8: Choke on Chanel No. 5
I want her to die, I hate her so much...why would she do this to me to us. We were a unit...a fucked up one I might add but we were still a damn unit. She wasn't supposed to go rogue and call her engagement off, she was my anchor...she is the one that helped me to move on instead of calling his phone like an idiot. It was something about knowing a bitch sleeping in my bed and in my couture silk Versace sheets that just pissed me off. Victoria—my dear Victoria—I hope you choke on my Chanel No. 5 perfume I left behind, what's your excuse you don't even have to tell everyone you can call me I will unblock your number, I promise I will, just give me a reason.
Was he hitting you, do you want to 'John Tucker Must Die' this shit out or did you want to 'The Other Woman' this shit and make him bankrupt and unattractive to the women after us, I know a guy you know. But that's not the point, the point is you let the man that was—is my weakness—back on the prowl, this is too much temptation.
You know I suffer from Stockholm Syndrome right, I looked it up after this all happened, after he went to the same place that he embarrassed me at and confessed to the world during a post-game interview that he was still in love with me, that he wanted everything with me again, and I knew what everything was because he told me it after we made love, and he admitted that he, Clarence Jackson, suffered from Bipolar Disorder.
Usually if you were on the other end of it you would be sucking this shit up with a glass of wine in your hands laughing your ass off and yelling 'I told you so's' to the TV, but I didn't I sat up there with my mouth open like an idiot that I am.
I didn't remember the beatings nor, did I remember the bitches, I remembered the times where we were first together, and everything was beautiful, the promise ring before the engagement ring, I remembered the times where he would give me a kiss before every game and every time he would make a three-pointer he would slap the inner of his forearm where my name is tatted till this day. I remembered the times where he would treat me like the queen I am, and he wouldn't go anywhere without holding my hand.
God why am I stupid, I should be relishing in this and rubbing it in her face that I was the reason why their engagement didn't work out, but I would be stooping down to her level and doing the same thing she did to me. You know what I need, I need for someone to just slap the shit out of me, so hard that I remembered all of the shit he put me through.
What kind of example am I going to be making for my fans who think it's okay to go back to their abusers, for saying it's okay to be made a fool of and I don't build my brand off that. I build my brand off the empowerment of women, to stand up for yourself to be that bitch and I can't be that bitch if I have my enemy back in my bed.
Slamming my laptop shut I threw the glass ball that was filled with pins into the wall nearest to me, screaming at the top of my legs I cleared my desk, yes including my laptop. He couldn't just leave me alone, let me live in my life and I let him live in his.
I shouldn't be trending on every damn social media, I shouldn't be having people saying to take him back, I shouldn't have people saying to slice his tires. None of this should be happening right now, not right now, I was supposed to be drowning in the fact that I kissed a taken man and I liked it, who am I kidding I fucking loved it. But no, I'm thinking about this man who didn't deserve any piece of my brain, but he had it all.
Why am I contemplating on unblocking him on everything, why am I missing him, why am I missing his lips. Why am I thinking about taking him back, because of a fucking apology, what am I...a sucker? Majesty Jewels is no sucker, I have been a sucker for too long, I have played devil's advocate for too fucking long.
Hearing my door ring I snapped my head towards the door and I wanted to take my anger out on any and every one, I don't give a damn if it was fucking Girl scouts, I was going to throw the boxes back in their faces and tell them to leave and never come back.
Storming to the door I swung it open to see Clarence in the bones, in a hoodie and sweatpants with glasses on, yeah no one was going to see his 6'7 ass going into my apartment building, taking off his glasses he looked at me with those green eyes that made me fall in love with him in the first place. Those were my eyes, my green eyes, the ones he showed to only me, he was mines and no one else's, "I'm sorry Antoinette."
Biting my lip a tear slid down my cheeks, the anger was replaced by sadness, and just as my knees were going to meet the floor he rushed forward and wrapped his arms around my body, crying into his abdomen I gripped at the hoodie, these were my arms, the tears that were falling down my face were for him. This wasn't fair, he didn't play fair, he never did he liked to cheat he knew that he was my weakness, he knew that he could do no wrong in my eyes, he was my lifeline, "Why are you here?"
Looking up at him he looked down at me with sorrowful eyes something new to me because every time he cheated on me he never had these eyes, his green eyes had taken on a darker shade and they looked red as if he had been crying himself, "Because I fucked up and I did everything to you that I said I wouldn't." Shutting the door behind him he picked me up and my legs wrapped around his waist sitting down on the couch he leaned forward, and our faces were mere inches apart, "I don't expect for you to take me back after I embarrassed, cheated, and put my hands on you."
"Why? Why did you cheat, why did you do all of those things to me, I did nothing to you Clarence but love you and give you my whole world was I not enough for you?" I sniffled as I wrapped my hands around his neck.
Pulling me to him he nuzzled himself into my neck, "I was fucked up, it was a combination between the drugs, alcohol and not taking my pills."
Closing my eyes I knew what I was doing was wrong, I was making excuses for him and I was playing the devil's advocate once more. It killed me that I was doing this, that he had made me feel this way, that I wanted to kiss him until I couldn't breathe anymore, "Why didn't you tell me you were bipolar Clarence?"
Wiping my tears away with the pad of his thumb he shook his head, "Because I wouldn't be perfect in your eyes anymore and I didn't want you to lose that vision of me, but I ended up turning into a monster and destroying ya trust."
"Who called it off and be honest with me Clarence." I said regaining my composure.
Rubbing the small of my back he admitted, "To be honest she woke me up, and when she said she had, had enough because while I was getting better mentally I didn't want to go out and party after every game anymore, she didn't want what I wanted and it didn't help that we would argue over you every time you updated your blog she would be on it and making little comments about you, and I knew then that I wasn't over you because I took up for you," Putting his forehead to mine he said, "I never got over you she wanted the me who was sick and you want me for me you've never asked for anything and you've always been my everything."
Closing my eyes I tangled my hands in his thick hair, "Who was better?"
Looking back at me he looked confused before realizing what I was talking about, licking his bottom lip he moved his hands to my ass and gave it a squeeze, "You know no one bust it for me like you do baby." He muttered.
Kissing him he slowly began to take over the kiss liked he always liked to do, slipping his fingers underneath my tights he palmed ass moaning into the kiss he nipped at my lip, taking one hand from around his neck I broke the kiss and slapped him, with all the force I had, he looked at me with shock, "That was for everything you put me through and embarrassing me on national television."
Biting his lip he leaned back in and kissed me again, taking his hands from my tights he grabbed my thighs and stood up, "I'll give you the world if I have to if I can have you back."
That night was spent Clarence Jackson making love to me and giving me everything I missed. I was two years sober before today, I was going strong I didn't need to do life changing things anymore to try and halt my plans on going back to him on my knees begging for him to take me back. But Clarence Jackson was a drug that was incurable unless there was someone out there who could give me the cure, who could help me rid of this man, there wasn't, and I was just going to become a cycle and accepting this man for whoever he is...God why did it have to be him?
As he was using my body as a body pillow I didn't begin typing until I knew he was under deep slumber, and when he was asleep, he was asleep.
The saying goes, "Hell is a pathway made of good intentions", I have sealed my fate and I have accepted the fact that underneath all of this clothing material held a vulnerable girl who was never over being embarrassed in the parking lot of an arena with paparazzi that followed our every move. I'm going to hell for doing what I thought I was right, I'm going to hell because I thought every action I took was for the greater good and for my sanity.
But it wasn't what I was doing was selfish and just dumb, I didn't want him to go because he was everything that I was used to he made me feel safe, when I was being held in his arms before I fell asleep, how before he started putting me in chokeholds he was giving me bear hugs and whispering sweet nothings in my ear.
I liked the fact that he could be my muse whenever I was in a tight hold of what to write for my OOTW's I liked how he didn't mind showing PDA and telling the world that he was all mines and not interested in no other girl, I like to drown in the good memories of us because we have so much but we also have a lot of bad memories and to a sane girl she wouldn't excuse his actions but I'm years of being turned out by the fashion industry and upper class so I have never been the most sane of everyone.
"Do you think Ms. Jewel is going to take Clarence Jackson back?" Wendy looked at the crowd through her glasses. When the crowd screamed 'yes', she made a little sneaky smile...bitch, "Good because I think so to, I mean we all read her blog yesterday and she doesn't seem more 'haha your wedding did work out' but more 'I see you've changed so let's try this again'—"
Her segment was cut off by Clarence changing the channel to ESPN, "Who gives a damn what that lady got to say when her husband has a mistress living a few miles away from her house."
Rubbing his scalp I said nothing, what Wendy was saying was completely right, and everyone knew that I was a weak girl who was hiding behind Dior. But I didn't get the reaction I expected, instead of, 'I'm not supporting this bitch', I got, 'Ok Majesty whatever you think is right', it was like I could say nothing wrong to these people.
Untangling my hands from his hair I pushed him over to his back and straddled his hips, looking up at me he wondered what was going through my mind, "If we do this then we are going to do it my way, you are going to tell me when you need to take your pills and you are going to tell me when you are going through one of your episodes, and if I even so much as hear about you fucking with another bitch I will cut you off and you know what I will cut off if you ever lay a finger on me again ok."
Massaging my hips in his hands he said, "I said I will give you the world just to have you back so I'm willing to play on your court babydoll."
Kissing him I nodded, "Good." My phone ringing interrupted the moment, sighing I took it off the charger to see Robyn calling me, she must have read the blog, picking it up I said, "Hello."
"We'll talk about your blog later, but Isabella has cleared to me that she wants you to cover their engagement dinner gathering no if's, and's or but's." She said bluntly.
Biting my lip I knew he was going to be there and I hadn't seen him since our little situation, and that was about two weeks ago, there was no way I could dodge this with calling his agent, no I had to actually be in the same room as him and communicate with the both of them, and I have to talk to Isabella like I never had her fiancé's tongue down my throat and dry humping him against the wall, "When is it going to be?"
"Tomorrow at eight...bring a date." With that being said she hung up.
Dropping my phone it plopped on the bed next to him, with no warning I blurted, "Come to an engagement party with me."
see you next update-- a.a.