Wilder
After Colin left me in my room to sleep, I still felt anxious and when he came back he found me pacing my room. He got me some food and soda. And when he suggested it, I told him I didn't wanna sleep but then blacked out right after that.
I guess the exhaustion of wreaking my room and not getting proper sleep eventually got to me.
Now, it was 8 am and I had no idea how I had managed to sleep this much. The big game was today and I didn't have much to do since the reporting time was 4pm.
I looked around at the havoc I had managed to summon up last night, trying not to think about what had brought out such violence.
I ignored the mess and walked down to the sitting room where Colin was splayed on the couch watching some rerun of some old show. He got up and saw me, as he kept a plate of his half-eaten sandwich on the kitchen counter, "Want one?"
"Yeah, also what happened last night?"
"uh... You went full hulk on all the furniture in your room so I mixed two Xanax pills in your soda."
"Sounds about right." I nodded, making us some coffee.
I wasn't surprised. Every time I went crazy Colin calmed me and I never questioned how he did it.
He made me a sandwich and asked me the time the game would start and some other things.
He never asked me what caused me to go crazy, he waited for me to tell me and I loved him for it.
I spoke to him some more, ate- then walked up to my room. I had a diary to read and Colin said something about going out to get either clothes or totes. I wasn't really paying attention.
The anxiety was too much to bare.
I sat on my bed staring at the cover of her diary.
Scared of the unknown.
I couldn't get my mind off what Damian had done.
And moreover why Kea was still with the bastard after she knew what she knew.
It was frustrating trying to wrap my head around the whole thing and I was beginning to lose patience.
Which had never worked out well for me in the past.
I picked up my phone and called a guy I knew in New York.
"Mark, Yeah hey listen man, I needed some info on a guy here. His name is Damian Tasser. Get me everything you can on him."
I hung up feeling a little more in control of my life.
Then I saw the diary and felt the little control I had just gained, slip away.
I clutched onto it nervously. Then slowly turned to the page where I had stopped yesterday.
I had to know, no matter how ugly it got, I had to know why.
Why Kea wasn't with me.
--
Back to the party.
I went with the intention of only staying for a while but then I saw Reyes.
Is it weird that I just called him Reyes?
I knew he had followed me to Lucas's room. He looked worried when he entered and I kinda liked thinking - he was so bothered because of me.
He was asking me things when we sat on the bed together but all I kept thinking about- were his lips- his beautiful face and those carnal hands.
I was three bong rips high at the time and man I had never wanted to kiss him more.
I told him my favourite quote, no big deal.
Just that he's the only person in the world that knows it now.
And he got weird after that as his eyes softened and he looked at me funny. Maybe he was thinking about kissing me too.
At least I hope so.
He said 'I wasn't beyond repair.' 'it's okay to accept when you're broken, Kea.'
And suddenly I felt like I was back on the couch in therapy with my mom trying to make me be normal.
But I wasn't normal and no one told me it was okay to not be normal sometimes, everyone was hellbent on making me a mushy girly girl who liked pink and drooled over boys and tried out for the cheer team or at least secretly wanted to be one of the popular kids.
I never gave a crap about any of those things, but no one cared enough to not want to change me.
I was not made out of the mould my parents had created for me. I was different and that is why dad left and that is why mom keeps her distance.
Because the person that I was, wasn't worth a second chance.
Reyes thought by saying that he was giving me hope but he just proved my point that I had a chance at fixing myself, that I wasn't beyond fixing but what if I didn't want to be fixed. What if until now I thought I was fixed.
What if I thought I didn't need repair but you chose to fix me anyway?
--
This fucked me up.
I never meant to make her believe that I thought she needed fixing.
I just said that in that moment because I thought that's what she needed.
Kea was perfect and it sucked that every time I tried to show her that she didn't believe me.
It killed me that she couldn't see how brilliant she was.
--
I drank so much so fast after that, I blacked out. Looking at Reyes's midnight eyes was all I remember last.
I woke up in his bed the next morning.
I mean how many times did I have to wake up to these situations to actually learn.
What's wrong with me?
I didn't know how I got there or what I had done after blacking out.
All I knew was that my bra was gone.
I was still wearing my pants.
Reyes confirmed that we didn't do it, which was a huge relief because sex with Reyes isn't something I'd want to be drunk for. Not that we'll ever do it but it's just nice that he felt the same thing.
He was nice to me, even when I acted like a complete dictator.
He gave in to every whim of mine.
Like he was enjoying it.
He's funny and caring and mature in an annoying sorta way.
OH god, I sound like a monster.
I should probably stop before it gets ruined.
..
Knowing what happened next, I tried not to feel too good about all the nice things she said.
..
sup?
I'm sitting in my car right now and a lot has happened since my exultant note yesterday.
The bitch at school who writes the newspaper, the one that hates me- wrote an article on the front page of the daily news. For all to see.
I don't even remember her name but she made the entire article about how I wanted to get into Reyes's pants.
And the worst thing is that Reyes never told me about the Kiss.
How hard is it to tell the girl you had breakfast with that she got drunk the night before and kissed you?
What's so hard about that?
AHHHHHHHH
The thing is that I don't really care about what all these people think of me. They have been making up their minds about me for a really long time.
What makes me nervous about the things that the fucking bitch wrote was what Reyes would think.
I was so worked up, I gave him hell and in turn, he proved that he absolutely did not give a flying fuck about what people thought- by kissing me in front of everyone. It was kinda badass.
Then he took me behind the stands and asked me out.
I said yes, well kind off.
I like this guy.
I really do and I do not know what to do about it.
I feel like running away.
But something tells me he'll chase after me.
Wow,
I'm gonna go dig myself a hole now.
..
And honestly I would.
I would chase after her till the end of time.
The fact that it's been a few months since she wrote this, is proof enough that I would never stop wanting to be with Kea.
..
Okay, I think I screwed up our date a little bit. I don't know what I'm doing, this is so fucking unlike me.
Reyes Wilder makes me nervous.
The butterflies in my stomach kind of nervous.
And when I get nervous I screw things up. More than usual.
He was waiting for me outside this restaurant where Damian took me once to show off. But he was just trying to feel me up the entire date.
I just didn't want to relive that.
So when I saw Wilder standing outside looking pretty close to perfect, I saw what I was wearing and realised how fucked up this was.
I was on time. I was high but I was on time.
But I got cold feet for a million reasons and at first, I thought I would just wait for him to get tired and leave but when he didn't budge for a long while.
My heart melted a little.
So yeah I went on the date and yes it was brilliant, is brilliant. I'm technically still on it. Well, I'm at his place now and I came down to the kitchen to get some water.
So I thought I'd just write this down before changing my mind.
He is amazing and I refuse to believe it's true.
But for now, I'll go along with it because... I don't know.
I guess I just wanna see how it works out.
..
I shut the journal, I couldn't get myself to read any further. I knew what was going to happen next.
She sounded so happy, so innocent, so oblivious to the horrors of the next day.
She wrote this the night before the incident in her bedroom happened.
This was the last night Kea and I had that could be called normal. After this night everything went to shit.
A storm that till date, nor I or Kea have seemed to have had recovered from.
But this was it, wasn't it? If I didn't read further I would never find out what she has to say, what she really feels, why everything turned out the way it did?
Why she hid this notebook in a box out in the jungle?
So I opened the journal to the damned day.
Mentally cursing- everything.
Like I hadn't lived this day in my nightmares over and over again already.
"Okay, let's get this over with."
.....