April 26th, 2017
Lauren doesn't know what's going on.
Her head hurts, because she knows she's not one hundred percent herself, even though she remembers auditioning for the X Factor, she remembers all of that life, and she knows she's lived it. But she remembers growing up here, she remembers meeting Normani in first grade, she remembers going through everything she went through with Camila with Lucy. It's like she's herself, but she has all of this new insight that she shouldn't have because of the way the other version of her had developed.
But most of all, Lauren remembers forgetting. Everything had slowly slipped away and she felt like she was constantly questioning her own sanity, not knowing what was real and what was fake, and she'd felt so alone, wishing that one of the girls were here with her.
And now, she thinks one of them might be.
She knows that Camila was here, at least at one point. With all the drunken rambling she remembers from New Year's Eve, it'd be impossible for her to be this Camila. And, you know, she's actually saying more than two words to her.
But there's no way to figure out for definite, without telling Camila what she knows, and that would ruin everything. She knows Camila wants nothing to do with her.
A part of her was completely disgusted to remember that she was the girl Camila had been so hurt by. A part of her had already known, but she hadn't realised the full extent of the pain she'd caused. She didn't know she'd ever meant so much to Camila. She knew that Camila had had feelings for her at one point, but she didn't know they ran that deep.
It makes her hate herself for being a coward more than she already did.
She didn't know that her own feelings ran this deep, either. She knew she'd felt something for Camila at one point, but she'd never realised how strong those feelings actually were until she'd remembered everything. And she'd thought those feelings had gone away.
Turns out she was wrong about that.
"Are you okay?"
Lauren blinks in surprise; she hadn't realised she'd looked so contemplative and upset. "Yeah? Of course I am."
"Are you sure?" Camila asks, coming to sit down next to her and rest her head on Lauren's shoulder, pressing a gentle kiss to her cheek. "You looked all upset and weird."
Lauren tries to laugh it off. "Yeah, sorry, just thinking about all of the projects I've got to finish. It's the last minute rush before exam season, so..."
Even though it's trivial, it's part of the reason she's not sure if she's really herself. She has all of this worry about things like that, about exams and about going away to college soon, but she knows she shouldn't worry about it, because those aren't her worries.
Or maybe they are. Maybe she's not entirely herself. Maybe she's this version of her, too. Maybe being stuck behind her own eyes for months, not even realising that she was trapped somewhere, had influenced her. Maybe a part of this other Lauren's soul had stuck with her. Or maybe she'd always had this other person inside her all along, and it's the circumstances that made them different. She doesn't know. She really doesn't know anything.
"Well, my baby doesn't have to worry about that," Camila smiles, and Lauren's stomach turns, because she knows if Camila knew, she wouldn't be calling her that. "This little smarty pants has a scholarship to an Ivy League school."
Lauren looks over at Camila with a small smile. "I still have to do well, though."
"Yeah, but still," Camila smiles, threading her fingers through Lauren's and giving her another kiss on the cheek. "You're going to kill it. I already know that. Because you're my smart babygirl."
Lauren blushes at the pet name, shifting embarrassedly, her mind flashing back to the night she'd been a little too drunk, and she'd crawled into Camila's bunk with her, practically begging the girl to dominate her. She'd been so fucking mortified that she'd avoided Camila as best as she could in their situation, talking to the girl when she needed to, in rehearsals and at shows, but not outside of that.
"Seriously, what's up?" Camila asks, pulling Lauren closer and dotting gentle kisses across her cheeks. "You're all tense."
"I'm just... thinking." Lauren sighs a little, trying to figure out the best way to find out what Camila knows. "You know, um... that girl? The one who hurt you?"
Camila blinks in surprise, frowning a little. "Yeah?"
Lauren bites down on her bottom lip. "Do you... still have feelings for her?"
"Baby..." Camila frowns, kissing the top of Lauren's head. "Of course I don't. I have feelings for you. She's nothing to me at this point. I want you."
Lauren looks down at her feet with a small sigh. She'd known that was coming, but it still made her heart hurt. "Do you hate her?"
"Again, no," Camila shakes her head, and that gives Lauren a tiny bit of hope, "I just... don't really feel anything for her by this point. Except maybe hurt and a little bit of residual anger. But you're the one I want. You're the girl who treats me like a queen, you're the girl who makes me smile when I'm feeling sad, and most importantly... you're my soulmate."
Lauren feels a mixture of both happy and sad emotions, because she knows that her desire to do things right had probably reflected in her actions while she didn't remember anything, but she also has to recall all of the awful things she did at Camila's words. She sighs again, resting her head on Camila's shoulder. "You really think... I'm your soulmate? Not her?"
Not me, Lauren means to say, not the real me.
"Laur, baby," Camila gives her a gentle squeeze around the middle. "She's nothing to me. You're everything."
That solidifies all of Lauren's thoughts. She knew Camila didn't want her, but she hadn't realised she'd completely lost her to this other version of herself, who might not even exist. Not if Lauren had been her the whole time, just unaware of it.
The person you've got to keep pretending to be, she reminds herself before another thought pops into her head, no, the person you already are, dummy. You have all of her memories. All of her thoughts. As well as the other one.
Lauren frowns at the thought, wondering if this whole experience has affected her for good. If she was right, when she thought that a part of this other Lauren had rubbed off on her. She wonders if Camila would be okay with her not being entirely herself, or this other Lauren, but both.
"Look, are you sure you're alright?" Camila asks her, taking her hand. "You seem like you've got a lot on your mind."
You have no idea, Lauren thinks, but quickly backtracks, or maybe you do. "No, I'm okay."
"Okay," Camila accepts her answer with a smile, "but, I want you to take a break from your studying. You're going to let me treat you to ice cream."
"That girl," Lauren blurts out, and Camila looks a little taken aback, "what was her name?"
Camila looks at her in surprise, and opens her mouth to reply, her jaw working. She looks deep in thought, as though she's trying to remember something important, before she answers. "I don't... I don't r- oh! Um, this is... embarrassing."
Lauren raises her eyebrows. Had Camila not remembered? Had she already forgotten, and this version of Camila had taken over, the same thing that had happened to her? Was Lauren too late? "You don't remember her name?"
"No, it's um," Camila lets out an awkward laugh, "I had a small... mental block, but... um, her name was Lauren, actually."
Lauren feels her heart hurt, and she nods, knowing for a fact that this is her Camila, not the other one. "Oh."
"Yeah," Camila laughs a little, "I guess I've got a thing for girls called Lauren, huh? Good thing is, you're the superior one in every way."
Lauren forces out a laugh, and when Camila kisses her, the worries dissipate for a second, but she knows Camila wouldn't be kissing her if she knew. Because Camila doesn't want her, or even like her in any way.
Because Lauren is nothing to her. Camila had said that herself.
"Anyway, come on, up," Camila stays, getting off Lauren's bed and picking up the textbooks littered around her, "we're going for ice cream. You need a well-deserved break."
Lauren lets Camila pull her up, and the younger girl pulls her in for another kiss. When they part, Lauren looks her over and smiles a little. "You're so beautiful, Camila."
Camila laughs, taking her hand and squeezing it. "Thank you, baby. You're pretty gorgeous, yourself."
Lauren hums in reply, letting Camila tug her down the stairs, and when the younger girl grabs her car keys, she frowns, holding out her hand for them, but Camila just looks at her, shakes her head, and walks out the front door. Lauren's eyes widen when Camila jumps into the driver's seat.
What the hell is she doing? She can't drive, Lauren thinks to herself. "Um, Camz, don't you think I should drive?"
"No, you deserve to relax," Camila shrugs, but frowns when Lauren makes no move to get in the car. "Well? Come on."
Lauren looks at the passenger seat, a little confused. "But you can't drive?"
"How many times do I have to tell you?" Camila laughs, shaking her head. "I can, I just don't have my own car, and my parents are pretty much always hogging the family one, so I never get to drive much. But I have my license."
Lauren frowns, because she's about ninety nine percent certain that Camila Cabello cannot drive, and she knows that this is most likely the Camila Cabello she knows. But... she can't act suspicious, because Camila may start to catch on, and then she'll lose her forever.
So, Lauren gets in the car, thinking that maybe if she dies in this universe, there might be a small chance she'll wake up where she's supposed to be, thinking about how she'd gotten outed and having to deal with that whole mess.
But, if she's honest, she'd take that over this any day.
They don't die; turns out Camila actually can drive, and when they get to the beach, the younger Latina buys her an ice cream and holds her hand as they walk down the beach together. Lauren knows she'll never get this, not if Camila knows, so she uses the memories from the other life, the one she lived but didn't, and tries to act like everything is fine.
Camila seems to buy it, because she doesn't question Lauren anymore, and holds her hand, content and happy as they stroll along the beach.
After a comfortable silence, Camila finally speaks. "You're not going to break up with me when you go off to college, right?"
Lauren blinks in surprise at the question, and it's only then that she remembers, yeah, I'm a year older than her. It didn't seem like a big deal when they were in a girl group and spent ninety percent of the year together, but in a place like this, where Camila will be stuck in school another year... it causes an issue.
Before Lauren can think about it, she's responding. "Why would I do that? You're my soulmate, Camz."
"I... I don't know, a lot of the time when people go off to college, they break up with their high school partner," Camila shrugs. "You know, in case they meet someone better. And... sometimes I feel like this is the only context I could have you in. Like, high school, where we live in the same city. We're not... far apart... or... whatever."
Lauren hears the underlying implications of that. We're not in a world famous girl group with intense shippers breathing down the back of our necks. We know who we are and we didn't have to figure it out under the scrutiny of billions of people. "I'm never going to leave you. I know I won't meet someone better, because there isn't anyone better."
"Okay, I just... had to ask," Camila mumbles, shrugging, "and you'll come home? To see me?"
"Or you can visit me," Lauren suggests, squeezing Camila's hand, "we'll do both. And Skype exists."
If she thinks about it, Lauren is pretty sure they'll be able to maintain a healthier relationship with her away at college and Camila here, than they would've been able to when they were stuck on a tour bus for months on end.
"Yeah, I guess you're right," Camila agrees, "I feel better about it now. I don't like... thinking about the future. It's honestly terrifying to me."
"Same," Lauren answers immediately, because she doesn't know if she'll still be stuck here in the future. "You applied for a few colleges, right? Even though you're not sure about going?"
"Yeah, mostly because of my dad's persuasion." Camila sighs, looking down at her feet. "And before you ask, I looked at a few near Columbia and in that general area. But like I said... I don't really want to go to college. It's not for me. I know that."
"Because you want to do music," Lauren finishes for her, thinking about how she'd felt, at age fifteen, thinking about going on The X Factor, not realising the pressure of fame and how much she'd truly hate it. "Have you ever thought about how much fame sucks, though?"
Camila laughs, and smiles a little knowingly. "Trust me, I've more than thought about it."
Me too, Lauren thinks. "And you'd live with it? You'd be okay with it?"
"I think so," Camila murmurs, shrugging, "it's not... it's not like I'd love the fame, because a lot of hate comes with it. But I think if I just focused on the love, I'd cope. It'd be worth it to make music."
Lauren frowns, not realising how much music was really worth to Camila. Personally, she doesn't feel entirely the same, since they basically just get handed songs and get told to sing and dance to them like puppets. She doesn't know how Camila could like that.
Then again... she'd had the feeling that Camila was going to leave for a while now. "What if... what if you got into it and you just got handed shit to sing. Songs you didn't connect with."
Camila bites down on her bottom lip. "I mean... I've told you I only want to do my music. That it's... it's personal for me. Writing songs is like my therapy."
"I never realised how personal it was for you," Lauren admits, even though she'd known Camila wasn't happy in the group, but a lot of the time, none of them are. "And you... you write about me?"
"Yeah," Camila smiles at her, kissing her cheek, "obviously. You're my girlfriend and I... I have a lot of feelings for you. My songs are about my feelings."
"Oh," Lauren smiles a little. "Well, uh... you're still going to let me hear them, right?"
"Of course, baby," Camila smiles, "you're the first person I'll play them for."
Lauren smiles, but her heart aches, because she knows Camila wouldn't be saying things like that if she knew, which is all the more motivation to keep this from her. She just needs to figure out what she's doing and how she's going to do it.
It shouldn't be that hard.
-
April 27th, 2017
"She's being distant again."
When Lauren hears her girlfriend's voice drifting out of the classroom, she frowns, and stands closer to the door, trying to listen in.
"Have you tried talking to her?" Dinah asks, and Lauren blinks, wondering if they're talking about her. "You know, since communication is normally the best way to go in relationships."
"Yeah, we've spoken." Camila sighs. "She says she's fine but then she looks all daydreamy and weird, like she's super deep in thought. I think maybe she... regrets sleeping with me. Maybe I wasn't good enough or something."
Lauren has to hold in her snort of amusement. Camila was probably the best she's ever had, and she's about to walk into the room and tell Camila just that, but she's stopped by Dinah.
"Or maybe she's our Lo," Dinah suggests, and Lauren freezes in shock. Dinah's here too? "And maybe she's not telling you because she thinks you're this Camila."
"No, we've worried about that before, and it turned out she was just a little scared of ruining our friendship," Camila shakes her head, "she's not that Lauren."
Lauren has to admit, it stings a little to hear Dinah say our Lauren and have it corrected to that Lauren. She's trying to ignore it, but when someone else speaks, her heart practically stops.
"I mean, Dinah's got a point, Mila," Lucy says, and Lauren hears Camila's sigh. "We're certain she's been here before, like Dinah. Dinah snapped back into it, so maybe Lauren did too."
"No," Camila's voice is shaky, and for a moment, Lauren is more blown away by the fact that Lucy is here too, but at Camila's words, her heart breaks. "I don't want her here. She'll ruin everything. I- I love my Lauren, and I don't want her ruining the only chance I might have to be happy."
Lauren feels like every single one of her heartstrings has snapped. She'd known it, of course, but it hurts so much to hear Camila say it. I don't want her. She knows she'd fucked up, and she hadn't treated Camila properly before, but she'd do anything she could to fix it. She just hadn't realised that maybe Camila didn't want her to fix it.
You're my soulmate, she'd said. But she didn't mean you, Lauren tells herself, she meant the other one. The one that wouldn't ruin everything.
Lauren wipes at her eyes, hating herself for crying. She's realised she hates herself for a lot of things, things she wishes she could fix, but she knows she can't. Camila hates her, and she wants the other Lauren. The other Lauren makes her happy.
Even though you are the other one, a tiny voice in the back of her head tells her, you just didn't know you were somebody else while you were her. Subconsciously, you probably influenced her.
Lauren swallows the lump in her throat and tries to wipe her tears away, deciding something. She knows she can't have Camila, and that's her own fault. She can't have Camila, but the other Lauren can, and the other one makes Camila happy. If Camila wants her, with no memories of Fifth Harmony, then Lauren knows what she has to do.
Lauren makes a promise to herself. A promise that she's going to figure things out and disappear, so Camila can have the Lauren she wants. It could end up with her being erased, or trapped inside her own head again, or just going back to the real world, but she's going to do everything she can to make sure things are back to the way before, when she was blissfully unaware of her own presence. She's going to do everything she can to make sure Camila is happy.
She owes her at least that much.
So, when she hears the others getting up, as if they're leaving the classroom, Lauren hides. She watches as Dinah and Camila head down the hallway, and after a few moments, Lucy comes out of the classroom, lagging behind.
Lauren watches her for a moment, before she ducks out of the janitor's closet she'd hidden in and grabs Lucy, pulling her inside.
"Jesus Christ, what's your fucking problem?" Lucy snaps, and for a moment, Lauren thinks she's still mad about the breakup, but then her memories kick in; they'd gotten back together, until Lucy had broken up with her again, the only excuse being we're better as friends. But, Lucy realises who it is, and her expression relaxes. "Oh. Um, hey? Not to be dense or anything, but why did you ambush me and drag me in here?"
"I need your help," Lauren says, sighing. "With Camila."
"You're not breaking with her, are you? Because I'm not going to be the messenger." Lucy says, before she hesitates after seeing Lauren's tear-filled eyes. "Wait, are you okay? Have you been crying?"
"I- I heard you guys. Talking." Lauren mumbles, worrying on her bottom lip with her teeth. Lucy looks worried, like she's trying to figure out some excuse for the crazy-talk, but Lauren interrupts her. "I- I don't... I don't really know how to explain it, but I- I kind of... after sleeping with Camila, I woke up again. Because you were right, I have been here before, and it was like... like I was stuck in my own head, but I didn't even know until now, and- and... I need to figure out how to go away again. How to forget again."
"You're you?" Lucy frowns. "Well, we could probably catch up with Camila and Dinah, and we could tell you our theories on how we think we're going back and..."
"No. Not just... not necessarily go back," Lauren interrupts, shaking her head. "I just need to... to forget again. Or disappear. I heard what Camila said. She doesn't... she doesn't want me. She wants things the way they were, when I didn't know I was me, so... I need to go. For her. So she can be happy."
"Lo..." Lucy looks at her in complete and utter heartbreak, and pulls her in for a tight hug. "You don't need to think about that. Camila... she doesn't mean the things she's saying. She's just confused and- and she's focusing on all of your flaws. She's created this weird separation between you and the other you, even though you're the same person. But she loves you. Any you."
Lauren ignores the tiny spark of hope in her heart and shakes her head. "She doesn't. She wants things to be the way they were. You heard her. She... she called 'this one' my Lauren. She wants me when I don't remember, and I'm- I'm going to give her that."
"She wants you. I promise," Lucy assures her, but Lauren shakes her head. "I'm telling you, she's just too caught up in this whole thing and she doesn't even realise that you've always been you. If you were here and you forgot, you were obviously still there subconsciously. You were having dreams about it, so it's obvious that you were influencing yourself, even if you weren't aware of it. Maybe you being here is... is like, a wakeup call for Camila. It'll tell her that this isn't her reality."
"Just... don't tell her," Lauren pleads, "Camila can't know. I'm trying to fix things and disappear, and if everything goes to plan she won't have to know."
Lucy sighs, but nod. "Alright. I won't tell her. But... I don't think this is going to work."
"I need it to work," Lauren mumbles, shaking her head. "I need it to. I- I need to do this one thing for her, so she can be happy. She deserves it."
Lucy just shakes her head, like she knows Lauren's plan isn't going to work, but Lauren does her best to assure herself it will. She's going to do this for Camila.
Even if it kills her.
-
Quick reminder that this might not update next week if I don't have wifi in Spain but i'll post on my message board on Monday if i've got wifi and if this will update k bye