"I'm telling you, it was the strangest thing," Jenna says. She dips her brush into the watercolors and glides it over her paper, dispersing the paints. "I don't know how to describe it to you."
"What did you guys talk about?" Lynn asks. She practices blending the colors in her sketchbook, mixing reds with yellows to create soft oranges.
Jenna sways her head side to side. "Well, I was asking him how he was and he was...I can't explain it easily. Um, so you know how Gerard and like Brendon would make self-deprecation jokes?"
"Yeah," Cody says. He set his ruler down and stops drawing his grid to focus on her.
"It's like he's talking in that tone but you're just waiting for the joke part except there is none," she says. "I'd ask him how he is and he's gesture to his condition with like the casts and stuff. And we started talking about when he'll be getting better and he says it'll take a while for him to be able to walk again and that's at best. But he also was saying that like some things may never get better."
Lynn looks worried. "What did he mean by that? Like was he okay?"
Jenna pauses, giving an uneven look. "I don't know. I mean, I did ask him but he was very neutral about it and he was like well, I can't feel anything so it's not like I'm upset."
"That's really...strange," Cody ends up saying. Jenna nods her head alone in agreement. "Do you know when he'll get out? Is he able to go back to school?"
"I mean, I don't know about that," she says. "It's going to be a long time though, I can tell you that. And he mentioned you guys too."
"What'd he say?" Cody asks.
"Well, he was talking about art and asking how art was, what the next projects were. Then he mentioned he wanted to see you guys."
"That's good, I'm relieved he remember us," Lynn says.
"Yeah, me too," Jenna says.
Lynn glances in my direction but I continue staring at my notebook. I don't know why I took it out or even thought I was going to get work done right now. "What about you, Frank?" she asks.
"What about me?" I mumble, not bothering to look up at her.
"What are you thinking?" Cody asks gently.
The paper is completely blank since I haven't started my English homework yet but I have until Friday to do it. All I've written was my name and the date in the corner. March 3rd. "I really hate March," I mutter. "I really hate spring. And snow that's still on the ground. And the color white. It's so blank and empty and eerie. I hate hospitals and their white aura." The others look at each other nervously. "And I really hate Gerard."
"You...Frank, you don't mean that," Jenna tells me.
I glance up at her. "He's a jerk," I whisper.
"What? How could you say that?" Cody asks. He looks at Jenna but Jenna gives him a look because she knows I'm not wrong. "What happened?"
"Yeah, what did happen?" Jenna asks. "What did you guys talk about when I left?"
I sink down in my stool. I really should have stayed home today. "It doesn't matter," I mumble. "He's a jerk and I hate him."
"What happened exactly?" Cody asks.
"Frank, you know it's not his fault," Jenna says.
My face starts getting hot. I hate that I can never get out of this feeling and that I'm constantly on the verge of crying. I hate that I feel so miserable because of Gerard. "It doesn't matter, he's still a jerk now." Before she can argue again, I glance at her. "The way he talks to you is very different, he doesn't address you the same way he does me."
Jenna shifts. "The way he talks to me is very eerie," she says. "He was calling me names like darling or doll or sweetheart. But he wasn't saying it endearingly. It was...he was saying it like," she starts whispering, "he sounded like a psychopath."
"He probably is," I mutter.
"Frank, don't say that," Jenna says irritated at me. I glance at her unmoved. Lynn and Cody glance at the two of us worried and Jenna gets upset with me. "You know it's not his fault. You got to stop-"
"Jenna, he pretended to forget who I was when we got there. That's been my worst fear for the last week and he was just messing with me." I shake my head and scoff at her. "I'm sorry I'm bitter but he was a lot nicer to you than he was to me."
She stops for a moment and it falls silent. I glance down at my notebook staring back at the stupid white pages. "He doesn't want to be that way. And it hurts him more to think of you than me."
"Bullshit," I say.
"It's not," she snaps. Strands of her hair fall in front of her face but she ignores it. "Frank, you're really moronic to think you're obviously not the person he's closest with." I roll my eyes, leaning against the table. "Don't give me that. You need to listen to me. It's not easy, I get it but you need to understand he's been through a lot."
"Oh, like I haven't?" I snap back at her. "Like none of us have? Our friend died and we had to go to her funeral. We had to go to school without them. I'm sorry Jenna and Cody, you two got to stay home to process everything but we were here. Lynn came to art without any of her friends. I was in history without Gerard and the stupid twats behind me gossipping about them. We've all been worried about Gerard for the last week, whether he'll even make it. I'm allowed to be upset. I'm allowed to be angry."
Jenna looks at me, narrowing her eyes. "Are you finished?"
My face prickles with heat. "No," I mutter. "But what does it matter. Frank doesn't get angry. He just takes everything and accepts it without much question. That's always how I've been. I guess you wouldn't understand how I could suddenly be upset. Frank's always supposed to be chill.
"Don't talk to me like," Jenna says. "I'm not expecting you to be okay about everything, you're putting words in my mouth. I'm just asking you to have faith in him. You give up so quickly, you're not willing to fight for him."
"What is there to fight? There are no monsters we need to battle with some sword. It's Gerard and he's changed now."
"He's changed and suddenly you don't care?" she asks.
"Of course, I care, I care too much, that's why it hurts. That's why I hate him," I say. Jenna looks at me annoyed and it falls quiet at our table. The rest of the room is rather loud and busy, everyone distracted by their own table.
"Was it when you and he talked alone that made things worse?" Lynn asks gently. I flicker my eyes at her and she gives me a sympathetic glance. "What did he say?"
"What does it matter? The point is he doesn't care about me anymore."
"And you think he wants to be like this?" Jenna scoffs. "He wants to get better."
"Even if he did, want and will are very different," I say.
"He cares about you a lot, you can see it," she says.
"Where?" I ask. "Huh, where? Because you stare at him and it's blank. You look in his eyes and you see nothing. Even his voice is empty. He's...gone. He's not there. Believe me, I don't want to give up but...he was a dick to me. Sure, he's calling you all these pet names like some lunatic. Yeah, that's strange, really creepy. But he made me cry. And he kept doing it. He kept making it worse. So where? Where is it that he cares about me? Because the first step I took in there, he used me as a joke."
Lynn and Cody silent and Jenna looks at me softly. Her eyes flicker for a moment while thinking to think. "He did that because he thought-"
"Yeah, whatever, he thought it'd be funny. But it wasn't and I told him and then he said he knew. I know, I was there."
"Don't interrupt me," she says. "He did it because he was trying to get a reaction."
"Well, he got one and I was-" Jenna smacks me shoulder. "What!" I push her arm away but she catches my wrist. "Let me go," I growl, yanking my hand free from her, nearly falling out of the stool.
"Not from you!" she cries out. Cody and Jenna glance around awkwardly but no one else seems to notice us in the corner of the room. "He did it for himself. He's trying to get a reaction from himself, some sort of emotion, he's trying to get it to work. So yeah, he was a jerk to you, the person he cares about the most. And he was really creepy to me, someone he's always comfortable with. And if Cody was there, I'm sure he would have acted indifferent or uncaring, the person he's known the most."
A part of me starts sinking down. "He...he told you that when I stepped out?"
She pauses. "No...he just wanted to ask me about Cody and...me. But he did that for my sake or something? I don't know." That sounds familiar. "But I know Gerard. And I know he doesn't give up. On himself, he thinks he's a walking disaster and if I were to be honest, I know he wouldn't fight for himself. But he's not doing this for him, he's doing it for us. He's trying to get his emotions back."
She could have just made that up on the spot but it makes sense. I don't know if that's really the case. She's one of the few people that truly know Gerard. I want to believe what she's saying is true. But I don't think I can afford to get my hopes up. I don't want to believe in something that may only hurt me later. When Lynn took me to go see him, I didn't want to get my hopes up in fear it will only hurt me more later. I don't know if I was right or if Lynn was right to still believe in him. Because, yeah, he's here and alive, he didn't die. But he also didn't come back.
"So does he not have emotions?" Lynn asks.
Jenna winces. "I mean, basically. But he also has this weird...attitude. Like he's lacking something, I don't know exactly what it is," she says.
"Extreme apathy syndrome," I say.
Cody glances at me. "Is that what he has?"
I nod my head. "It's complete emotional detachment and dissociation to his surroundings, which is what his dad told us. So I looked it up."
"You did?" Jenna asks surprised. I nod my head.
"What's...what do you find out?" Lynn asks.
"Well, if it's from his head injury, it may be coming from hitting the...I think the limbic system, which would be causing all these problems."
"The limbic system affects emotion, motivation, and stimulation," Lynn says. "We had a unit on this in psychology." I nod along. I know she's right I just don't want to say it. It also controls parts of memory, learning appetite, and sex drive. I mean...the memory part kind of makes sense because he's really foggy on some events that occurred. I wouldn't know if he's able to learn or eat and I never knew the last one. That's...I don't know what to think about that. "Is that the only possibility it could be?" she asks.
"That was one. But it also may be from the emotional trauma. So either from severe depression or the PTSD anxiety. Or both."
"How does one recover from that?"
I shrug. "Depends on the person but as far as I looked, there is no cure. Just time to heal if it'll heal at all." The others look at each other unsure of what to say. "That means this could be permanent."
"Or it may not be," Jenna says. "What's happened to you? You don't have any hope in him anymore."
"No, I just don't have any hope period," I say.
The bell unexpectedly rings and everyone in the room looks around surprised. The others look around, realizing they still need to clean up. I grab my bag and start shoving everything inside. Cody stops and sighs. "I'm going to have to go to physics without him. That's going to be really weird."
Jenna and Lynn look at him sympathetically. "It'll be okay," Jenna says.
"I know but this is different. It was just me and him and now it's just me. You guys didn't have to do this alone." I zip up my back aggressively and walk out of the room.
"Frank, wait!" Lynn calls out. They made the mess, they don't need me to clean it up. They don't need me. Cody's having such a hard time thinking about physics along. How could any of us possibly understand? It's not like I had history with just me and him. It's not like I dreaded walking up those stairs and hated every single minute being in that room, feeling alone. And I came back the day after it happened, the whole week after it happened. Listening to people talking about him. Yeah, I wouldn't know what it's like. They don't understand why I'm so upset. I guess none of us understand each other anymore.
I start walking down the hallway when I heard footsteps coming after me. They grab my backpack and I spin around. Lynn stands behind me without her bag. "Lynn, you didn't clean up."
"Frank, please don't be mad," she says.
"What do you want from me?" I ask. "I'm not mad at you."
She glances down. "That's because I understand what's going on with you. But the others don't. Maybe if you told them what was going on-"
"Forget it," I cut her off. "Lyndsey, you want to know what Gerard and I talked about alone?" I ask. She looks at me small, her eyes wide. "I told Gerard that I loved him and he told me he used to, but doesn't anymore." I grit my teeth and glare at her. Lynn stops, her mouth parting upset. "Gerard doesn't love me anymore, he made that very clear. He made it consciously and coherently clear. He was mocking me and I was crying. And he kept doing it. And I don't care about what Jenna said. Because it hurts like hell having to lose him like this. I can't afford to care anymore or it'll kill me. She doesn't seem to get that. It's not that I want to give up on him, it's that I can't do this anymore."
She doesn't say anything for a long time. Her long hair covers her arms all the way down to her waist. "There's a chance he'll recover."
"Yeah," I say, "and also a chance he never will."