Nathaniel Spade Vega stared down at the year-end project in his hands like he had a thousand times before and carefully set it down even though every emotion that swirled inside him wanted to lash out and be destructive. There was a tiny apartment filled with broken odds and ends and a punching bag that was weeping it’s innards out to prove his destructive streak was as wide as his father’s and yet this project of photographs was sacred and beyond his fury. He loved photography, knowing that he saw the world a little differently than most were able to and was able to capture that perspective with his lens in ways he could never just describe to others. This last project of his was even something he was remarkably proud of, and horribly tempted to hide away from the world because it made him feel vulnerable to display it. And when Nate felt vulnerable he went to one of two people, his best friend or his father.
But since it was well past midnight and he didn’t want to explain why he was at his parent’s house instead of his own little apartment, Nate just sat on the family room couch and tried to get his mind to quiet. Although the couch was new, Nate could just close his eyes and breath in the smell of his family, letting the lingering scent of chili peppers, gravy and the faint musk of whatever animal his mother had been working on during the day just fill his empty space inside up. He always knew he was a bit of an emotional wimp compared to what he should act like, but there was some part of Nate that was just able to turn off the emotions and be the more masculine version others expected. He’d done it earlier that night to avoid being overwhelmed by his turbulent emotions while talking to Grace, but like a true suck, here he was running to mommy and daddy to deal with them now.
“I can hear you brooding from here.” Adri, Nate’s younger sister said softly from the hallway entrance.
Nate opened his eyes and looked at his baby sister. She was actually older than Grace was, though Adri had inherited the slight frame of her namesake instead of their mother’s height so she appeared younger. It didn’t help that the dark haired Latina was wearing soft, girlie looking pajamas. “Guilty as charged.” Nate admitted with a pride free shrug.
“Did you already destroy your apartment again?” Adri asked with a quirked eyebrow, coming into the room and sitting on the couch next to him.
There had been days growing up that Nate would have gladly sold his sister just to get rid of her, but now that they were both a little older, and he had moved out of the house, they got along much better. She was the only person who knew how Nathaniel felt about his best friend, and that was mostly because she was the third musketeer to their Athos and Porthos. Although after he had moved away from home, Adri had become a little more somber and less apt to act ridiculous. She was trying to convince their parents that she was a responsible adult now, something no one quite believed yet. Even without Nate spilling the beans on the fact that she had a fake ID.
Nate didn’t answer Adri’s question, instead just letting his silence answer for him because his little sister knew his moods rather well. Self preservation had convinced her to learn to read him and she knew his typical responses. “Colby and Grace are going to the Fall Ball together. You going with anyone?” Nate asked instead, not able to just open up to his little sister about what was eating at him, the man code would not allow it.
Adri just gave a lopsided smile and nudged Nate in the ribs a little. “I can if you want someone to keep an eye out for you.” She suggested, knowing he wouldn’t be comfortable coming right out and saying it. But to Adri’s evident surprise, Nate shook his head negative.
“No, this one’s alright. Smart, loyal, honest and seems to be a good, polite man.” Nate shrugged, feeling weird describing another man.
Nate’s little sister turned to give him a plainly surprised look. “You mean that you’re alright with this Colby guy taking Grace out? But…” Adri frowned at whatever look was on Nate’s face. “You are so stupid. You deserve whatever heartache you bring on yourself for being such a ball-less dumbass.”
Nate sighed, having heard her call him far worse things in their 18 year long relationship as brother and sister. She normally kept the swearing to Spanish but every now and again revealed herself to be as foul mouthed in English as their mother was. “Adri, he’s a good guy. Mom might still think I’m pretty much a good boy, but you and dad both know just how… well slutty I’ve been. Do you really think that’s any kind of man to be for someone like her? No. Don’t even lie and say otherwise. I am not good partner material and I know it. I’m too violent when angry, too emotional when confused, too possessive and just not good enough.” He saw his little sister about to say something and just shook his head at her. Thankfully the brat part of her decided to stay quiet and she just gave him a strange look. “Adri you were there back then when she said it and I know nothing’s changed. I can be in love with her, but I can’t ever let her know it.” Nate’s hands twisted on the spine of his photography project and Adri tore the book from his hands before he could impulsively destroy it.
“Eres un idiota retrasado.” Adri spat at him and held the photo collection away. (You’re a retarded moron). “Do you know how many things I say to this day that I don’t mean? She was sixteen. Maybe if you actually told her all of the truth she’d be more open to the concept. Jesus Christ Nathaniel, just because she said in front of everyone that she would never be caught dead falling in love with her best friend ‘like one of those bimbos’ doesn’t mean you have to carry a torch for her! Either tell her, or give up and get over it.”
“I’m trying to do exactly that Adrianna. There’s someone in her life now that can actually be everything she deserves. It’s not me and I sure as hell am not going to screw that up for her.” Nate’s tone had lost its calm tone and he once again fought to push his emotions back. He stood up from the couch and paced, despite his emotional turmoil his voice never rose above a heated whisper and Adri’s had remained the same, quite but impassioned tone. Their parents had ears sharper than bats and neither one wanted a parental intervention at this point in their lives.
“So then what are you going to do after that? Don’t you get to be happy?” Adri asked, her face trying to cover up the pained expression she knew he wouldn’t appreciate. Nate’s little sister was a shameless romantic and she had gone through a brief stage of ‘you two should never date’, only to jump on the ‘best-friends should turn lovers’ bandwagon a few others were a part of. Hearing that Nathaniel was still not only refusing to tell Grace how he felt but was going to encourage her relationship with Colby had to be killing part of the romantic inside his little sister’s head.
Nate stopped his pacing to turn and look at her, not wanting to kill some of her innocence. “I stay her best friend until Colby is settled and I know what happens after that. The man hates me, has every right to think I’m unworthy of even her friendship and eventually he’ll replace me in her life completely. That’s how real life works Adri. If I claim to love her at all, that means I get to do the shitty things that hurt so that she is happy.” Nate shrugged, pulling on the quiet parts inside to numb away the emotional screaming that had started somewhere in his chest.
“That’s not right.” Adri said simply, her dark eyes full of emotions she wouldn’t express while Nate was around to see them. He hated to see his sister upset and she knew her crying over this whole stupid thing would only hurt him more right now.
“It’s my own fault Adri. I know it and accept that I should have done things differently a long time ago. But since I can’t change the past, I can only try to be the best friend I can while I’m still able to.” Nate walked over to the couch and pulled his little sister up and into a hug.
Despite her sometimes tough attitude and the feistiness that all the Latina women had in the Vega family, Adri hugged her brother tightly and snuffled into his chest a little. She was such a romantic wimp at times and it made Nate feel guiltier for exposing her to this part of his life. He’d just needed someone to talk to, and like always he’d not taken into account how it would affect the other person. Which was one of the reasons why he was so glad Colby seemed like such a decent guy, he wouldn’t hurt Grace. And why Nate hated the man for being everything he couldn’t seem to be.
“Bien gatito, vuelve a la cama.” Nate instructed, turning his sister around by the shoulders and giving her a gentle push towards the hallway. (Alright kitten, back to bed).
“Are you sleeping on the couch?” Adri asked as she walked towards her room.
Nate shook his head negative and watched Adri walk away, a small frown on her face. He was still too pent up to sleep and staying here was just going to keep eating at him. There was only one other person who was going to be awake at this time, and could use the company, so once again Nate headed back to the James’ household. Only this time he didn’t climb into Grace’s bedroom but tapped lightly on the kitchen door, unsurprised to find Opi ghosting around the household.
“Talk you into some pancakes from Denny’s?” He asked softly of the pale skinned and shorn headed woman.
Ophelia James gave him a scrutinizing look, from the hands that were white knuckled around his photography project to the stress creases that had to mar his usually mobile and expressive face. “Alright, pancakes it is.” Ophelia agreed softly and walked with Nate to his car.
He watched the stiff way she moved and the slight hunch of her shoulders as she settled into the passenger seat of his car and knew that he wasn’t the only one struggling with a personal demon tonight. Only the chances that hers were far more crucial than his pulled Nathaniel out of his self centered worry and forced him to start the careful dance that was always involved when it came to making this woman open up.
“So when are we going to the doctors?” he asked, knowing that no matter what she would never ask for someone to go with her. This woman was the embodiment of independence and self sufficiency, even to the point of obstinacy.
“Excuse me?” Ophelia asked, her face a nearly blank statue visage but the slight crease at her mouth told Nate that he had hit the nail on the head with a hammer. If he wasn’t driving he’d be able to focus on her guarded expression more but knew that crashing right now would only hurt a lot of people that loved them both, and help no one at all.
“I asked when are we going to the doctors? You’ve got something eating away at you beyond the usual and I am not going to stand by while you face it alone. So when’s the appointment to go?” he asked again, his bold words seeming to shock the normally eloquent professor into silence. Then she gave him one of her rare, soft chuckles.
“Monday after class.” She answered without further explanation. He’d probably get one later in the night, but as always he knew better than to press Ophelia. She’d clam up just as quickly as he could and he knew from experience that her wit was far sharper than his own. Part of him felt guilty for being glad to have a distraction from his own troubled personal life, especially when it involved Ophelia’s continued survival. And yet part of him was also glad.