and here i present, a chapter for all of us to enjoy together :) ignore weird mistakes and typos, enjoy the chapter! xx
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"If I wear a mask, I can fool the world. But I cannot fool my heart." - Reflection, Mulan
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Today has surpassed all standards to qualify as one of the best days ever. Chris coming over only meant that this day could continue just a little bit longer. However, there were certain signs that were hard to ignore during our talk on the phone - ones hinting that whatever put Chris in a bad mood today had something to do with his ex.
Chris has only briefly touched on the topic of his breakup with me, but I don't blame him. There's no denying that this is all very hard. To dedicate two full years to a person, only to have it end the way it did, was not an easy thing to overcome. It must be tough knowing that your significant other had eyes on someone else, and no doubt it hurt even more to let them go so they can be with that person. I knew Chris ending his relationship with her was the best route to go down, especially since she didn't reciprocate his feelings anymore, but still, my heart hurt for him.
For the most part, Chris has been nothing but a cheerful goofball since we've started talking again. In the moments where he wasn't, he allowed me to ever so slightly see his vulnerable side. That's what I wanted him to do. Back in my orphanage days, I always hated the way Jessica plastered a smile through the pain she was going through, refusing to drop the facade no matter how many times we told her it was okay. That act can only go so far before you snap. I just wanted Chris to know it was okay not to be okay.
Papa had been asleep for hours before Chris arrived, so I cautioned him to be quiet when he came in. Hands shoved deep into his pockets and hoodie pulled up to his nose, he muttered, "It's freezing out there" as he stepped into the apartment.
I shrugged. "I wouldn't expect anything less from New York. Especially at nearly one in the morning." I, myself, was dressed to battle the cold. The cold wasn't going to bother me with fuzzy socks, fuzzy pajama bottoms, and a fuzzy blanket. Dressed in absolute comfort and warmth, I was all ready to hear him out, even if it took all night.
"You think Richard will be okay with me coming over this late?" he asked as he followed me into my room.
"Are your parents okay with you coming over this late?" I said in return, raising a brow. "Probably should've asked this before you hung up on me saying you'd be coming over."
He waved a dismissive hand as he followed me into my room. "Nah, they won't care. Besides, it's you we're talking about, and your dad's literally right next door. We won't be getting up to mischief with him around."
"And I'm pretty sure I can sweet talk Papa into not being upset with me if he found out you were here, especially if I tell him why you came." I took a seat at the window ledge and patted the spot next to me. The cold radiating from the glass pressed against my back. Chris gave me a half-hearted smile and came to sit beside me.
"Guess my counseling session starts now, huh?" he tried to joke, but his tone fell flat with exhaustion and gloom.
"Hey, we may not have talked for a couple years, but I can tell when there's something up with you. I just want to make sure you're okay."
Chris stared ahead and rested his chin on his hands. I gave him a moment, let him sit silent with his thoughts, and waited to see if he'd speak. When he didn't, I let out a little sigh of my own.
"It's okay if you don't wanna tell me," I told him, not wanting to pressure him into spilling details he wasn't ready to spill. "I just don't want to sit here and tell you how great my day was when your day was anything but."
"I guess I was kind of hoping hearing more about your day would take my mind off mine." The clenching of his fist and hardening of his face displayed enough frustration to make my heart pang with hurt again. "It's just... my mind's been too damn loud lately."
" Chris." My voice was firm, and I leaned down forward so I could catch his eyes. His eyes were as stormy blue as ever. "Days. It's been just a couple of days since you broke up with her. You know this will take time." The extent of my knowledge on their relationship was very limited, but it didn't take a genius to know how much has actually happened. They were together a long time and that gives you a lot to look back on when things were over.
"Yeah, I know. I just... " A muscle in his jaw flexed as he clenched his teeth, the frustration he was feeling becoming more and more evident in his expression. "Don't you ever wish there was an on and off switch that could allow you to turn off your thoughts and emotions? Things would be a hell lot easier for me right now if I could shut my mind up in an instant."
"Actually, there's some people in the world who could shut down like that. They can shut everything out in an instant - even people if they wanted to."
"Well, I'm not one of them," he said, shaking his head. "My thoughts and feelings are fucking me over, Darce. At night, it's the worst."
Nights were like a double edged sword in that way. While one person may find comfort and peace in the darkest hours, others are kept awake with a manifestation of thoughts. I was never a big fan of nights, either, because of that exact thing. A trick that worked for me was leaving the t.v. on, or putting on some music when I fell asleep. It came especially handy during dark times, when I wanted to shut up the world and my thoughts.
"I saw her today," Chris added in a grim tone. "I saw her with him. At the grocery store. They were smiling and laughing, and he did that thing where he wrapped his arms around her as she pushed the cart." He stared ahead, almost as if the sight was right in front of him.
"I get it, Chris. It's natural to feel, but while it hurts to feel, it hurts even more to dwell."
"I can't help but dwell, though!" The poor guy groaned, thumping his head back on the window.
I slumped. "Besides right now, have you talked to anyone about how you've been feeling lately?" I asked.
He shook his head no. "My mom's been trying to play the role of therapist, but I shut her down every time. As for my dad, well, he's made a few attempts with these man-to-man talks, but I haven't spoken much about Bridgit with either of them."
"Maybe that's where you should start," I suggested. "Bottle it up for too long and the cork will pop right off. Everything you've been trying to hold inside will fizz right out. The best way to prevent that is by taking the cork off yourself, and that way you have control of how much you'd like to let out."
He cracked a smile. It was the first real smile I've got out of him tonight. "Look at you with these fancy sayings," he said teasingly, nudging my knee with his. "All right, you win. Let's really have an impromptu therapy session right here, right now. As of this moment, I'm officially hiring you and will repay with whatever lunch you please."
I returned his smile. "I'm not certified or professional in any way, shape, or form, but I've got the determination to try and ease your worries even just a tiny bit," I answered with some optimism in my tone, then gestured theatrically. "Lay it on me, Christopher."
Now that he had a pair of listening ears at the ready, he looked stumped. "Where to start... This whole 'therapy' thing could take a while."
I gave him a look, then got up and flapped my blanket open and closed like a bird in flight. "Take note of what I'm wearing. See this?" Flap. "This is my ready-to-pass-out-at-any-second outfit. If it takes all night, so be it."
He looked down at his own clothing. "It's a good thing I came in sweatpants and a hoodie then."
I plopped down next to him. "So, do I need a pen and paper for this?"
"Just your ears will do."
"Well." I gestured for him to begin.
Chris leaned his elbows on his knees and took a minute to pick out a single thing from his myriad of thoughts. Then he said, "In the moments of wishing I could be with her again, I think of all the times I said 'no,' or 'maybe next time.' Because when your time with a person is up, you'll wish you took the chance and said yes. And all those potential times you could have been with them but had turned down - well, that's time you can ever get back."
Oof.
I blew out from my mouth. "Starting off heavy, huh?"
"One a.m. conversations can go from light nonsense to deep shit real quick," he chuckled. "Well, help me out, Dr. Darcy. Do I sound insane?"
"No, not at all," I said softly. "What you said is definitely true. It doesn't even have to be thought of in a romantic sense, either. Whether it's a significant other, relative, or friend, I think everyone wishes they could have more time with someone they no longer have time with."
"It's situations like this that make you realize just how many moments we've taken for granted. We do that because we assumed there would be more moments like it."
Damn, I thought, physically bringing my hand to my chest. I could actually feel my heartstrings being pulled at. It only made me think about Papa, Ben, Ronnie, and the others who were close to me. I wanted to be grateful and appreciate them more than ever. "Sounds like a good lesson to take from all this. Have you and Bridgit tried to stay friends?" I asked.
"No," he said with a slight wince. "I think we both know how much of a strained friendship it would be. But I guess it's for the best." His shoulders raised in a half-hearted shrug. "She's happy, y'know? I want her to be happy, even if it's not with me."
"Aw, Chris." Those words tugged so hard at my heart, I'm pretty sure something tore. I scooted over and gave him the hug I wished I gave him the night I saw him sitting brokenhearted at the booth. He leaned his head against mine, releasing a long, forlorn sigh.
"Would you like my final piece of advice?" I asked, placing a hand on his knee.
"Lay it on me."
"I think, in your head, you've given yourself all the advice you need to move on. It's just your heart's a little on the slow side when it comes to thinking in sync with your mind. You did what was best, and you know it was for the best. Give yourself some time to catch up and truly believe in what you did." I squeezed his knee and added, "I know it's not okay now, but it will be eventually. You know it will."
Chris knew all along that he'd be walking himself straight into heartbreak if he let Bridgit go, but best intentions took precedence over that. While his heart's still questioning if this was the right thing to do, his mind had everything to say it was. He can think with his head, but it's not like he can ignore the cries of his broken heart. This will be easier once the two were on the same page, thinking in sync again.
"You have no idea how glad I am that you didn't say 'it could be worse,'" Chris told me after a good amount of time gone by. "Like, yeah, it could be worse, but that doesn't mean it doesn't fucking suck right now."
"I don't think I'm the slap on the back and a 'it could be worse' kind of person," I assured him, my face twisting. After being told that by several people - including myself - during the course of my up and down moments in life, the saying wasn't very comforting once you come to the realization that things are still pretty bad. I guess it's just a matter of whether or not you'd like to be a pessimist or an optimist.
"Well, I think you hit the nail with that last part. You've said exactly everything I needed to hear and more. Thank you. And y'know," he mused with teasingly narrowed eyes, "maybe you're really a therapist in the works, Darce."
"Or maybe I just sounded like an inspirational tumblr blog because I follow way too many life motivating accounts on social media," I replied, only half-joking as I stretched my legs in front of me. Maybe less than half, I silently added with consideration. His laughter was like a pin popping the bubble of deep conversation that surrounded us in. I could feel the weight in the air lifting. His carefree smile was back, and it made my heart swell knowing I was able to help put it there. I'd noticed the tension in his shoulders when he first walked in, but now he sat with ease in his posture. I'm glad to have alleviated some of his distress, but the session to do so brought me to the brink of exhaustion. I was going to pass out.
"Now that we've got the heavy stuff outta the way..." Stretching with my arms high above my head, I all but collapsed onto my bed like a sea lion on land.
"What was that?" Chris asked when the rest of my sentence came out muffled.
I lifted my face from the mattress and said, "I think I'll leave my part of the conversation to another day. I've given you enough to think about for the night."
"I'd ask if you're sure, but you're practically already falling asleep right in front of me."
He was right. My eyelids were weighted shut with exhaustion.
Chuckling when all I could manage was a nod, Chris took one of my pillows and threw it on top of me. I grunted and rolled onto my back, chucking the pillow back at him with a hushed yell, "Don't abuse your uncertified therapist!"
"Come lock the door before you knock out," he ordered, still chuckling as he tossed the pillow back so that it landed onto my face. I didn't bother with retaliation this time, just pressed my face deeper into the cool fabric as I curled up on myself. And there, at that moment, I'd found the most perfect, most comfortable position. And what does one do after making such a discovery?
Let yourself drift off to sleep, of course.
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My eyes were still heavy with exhaustion when my alarm clock woke me up for school five hours later. It was only after I hit snooze three times did I register how I most definitely fell asleep during Chris's company last night.
Of course I did. Way to go, me.
To make things even better, on the fourth and final snooze attempt, I was able to open my eyes long enough to read a text from Chris saying he ran into Papa when he headed out last night. Crap. I'm not sure if this was a text of doom, or simply a head's up. Was Papa upset finding Chris last night? It shouldn't be a big deal, right? I knew the truth wasn't as scandalous as a father would think after catching a boy sneaking out of his daughter's room late at night. It was just a late night friend therapy session. I'll tell him just that.
Still, I couldn't help the creeping paranoia that I'd be sending myself straight into some kind of burning wrath if I walked out of my bedroom. If it weren't for school, I would happily hide in my room for as long as I could. Alas, that's not what my fate had in store for me.
To my surprise, I came into the kitchen to find a different person sitting at the breakfast table, helping herself to a cup of coffee. She was still dressed in her pajamas, and black strands of her hair hung crazily from her lopsided bun. When she saw me, her brown eyes narrowed.
"You!" London started, pointing a finger at me, "You had a boy over last night?"
I gaped at her. Oh, so was Papa not the only one who caught Chris leaving the apartment last night? "How did you know that?" I exclaimed, my voice rising to baffled squeak.
She waved a hand dismissively at my question. "Not important. Point is, you had a b-o-y over and you didn't even tell me you were seeing anyone!" She threw her hands in the air. "Unbelievable. How dare you! I'm hurt, our friendship is hurt, and it's all your fault," she ranted, continuing to flail her arms with every word.
I rolled my eyes, but couldn't help the smile that pulled at my lips. She could be so dramatic. Trust London to be up at the crack of dawn just to get the early bird special on some hot gossip. Too bad this gossip was ice cold.
"Oh, calm down. I'm not seeing anyone, London," I told her as I took a yogurt from the fridge and came to sit besides her. She instantly took the spoon from my hands and dipped it into the thick, blue liquid, gesturing for me to explain. I rolled my eyes again. "His name is Chris. He's a childhood friend of mine. I told him he could come over any time if he needed me, and last night just happened to be one of those nights. We ended up talking about his breakup and I gave him advice. That's it."
London blinked. "That's it?"
"That's it," I said, shrugging. "Promise. And c'mon, London, I would've told you if I was seeing anyone."
At that, London smiled, but that smile quickly turned into a blatantly suggestive smirk. "I was expecting something a little more juicy than that, but what I'm hearing is" - she nudged me with her elbow and sang - "he's single."
I hit her with a smirk of my own. "Didn't take you for one to have their eyes on high schoolers. No college cuties catching your eye, or are you just bored of them already?" I teased.
She shoved my shoulder. "I meant for you!"
"On the contrary, honey," chimed a new voice. Papa emerged from his bedroom, dressed in burgundy slacks and a polo, and stopped in the kitchen to give London a pointed look. Her cheeks blazed a bright pink, causing Papa to chuckle to himself. I raised a brow, watchful of the conversation they were having with just their expressions. You know the one - the "I know you know that I know" and "don't you dare" exchange you have with someone who's threatening to expose your secret.
There's a lot you can say through a simple look, and I'm sure London was able to read mine pretty clearly when Papa opened his mouth and London blurted a rather defensive, "It's nothing!"
"He hasn't even said anything yet and you're telling me 'it's nothing?'" I asked, leaning back in my chair with my arms crossed. "C'mon. Tell me."
"It's -
"Oh, it's nothing," Papa interrupted, placing a hand on top of my head. "It just turns out you weren't the only one who had a boy over last night."
My cheeks burned at the dig, but then my attention flickered to the last part of that sentence. I gasped - half theatrical and half serious - and the dramatics of it made it sound as if I was coming up for breath after being held underwater.
"Are you serious? You had a b-o-y over and you didn't even tell me?" I cried, repeating back the words she had said to me. Though she swatted my hand in annoyance and I continued to tease her, the knowledge that London had a boy over made me giddy.
London and I have only known each other for the few months that we've been her neighbor. The apartment she stayed in across the hall was actually her uncle's before he moved back to South Korea to teach school there. He's continued to pay for the apartment so she could stay there during her studies. In the time that I've known her, she hasn't been very active in her dating life. She's very focused on her schoolwork, so any involvement with a boy made me want to tease her endlessly about it. She may have a couple years on me, but that doesn't mean we vibed any differently. So, clearly, I wasn't done teasing yet.
"Wait, wait. Tell me this. Was it friendly or was it" - I gave an overly-emphasized winked - "friendly."
"You're such an idiot."
"Yeah, an idiot waiting for answers! I spilled my answers, now it's your turn."
Papa shook his head at us. "What am I supposed to do with you two? I caught one boy sneaking out of our apartment last night and another one sneaking out of London's this morning."
I frowned. He must have been listening in on our conversation in his room. He didn't seem bothered, but I wouldn't be surprised if he really was. I could imagine myself in his position. It's suspicious stuff to catch a boy sneaking out of your daughter's bedroom at one a.m. without you knowing he was there in the first place. I'm actually surprised Papa's kept his cool. I was expecting the wrath of an overprotective dad to come down on me this morning.
"So, are you upset about Chris coming over, Papa? I'm sorry if you are, but nothing happened. I promise."
"And I believe you," he replied, much to my reassurance. "What Chris said to me last night matches up with what you said to London this morning. He's a good kid, and I trust him."
I took that as stamp of approval. It made me smile. I'm sure Chris would be thrilled to know. "You should trust me, too," I murmured, standing up so I could wrap my arms around him. "I'm not a bad kid either, Pa."
"I know, but you're bound to get grounded for something at some point."
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so this was an edited og chapter. next chapter requires new content and more revising, so it may take me a little while to upload. i have family coming in to celebrate my mom's end of chemo/birthday + college is coming again so i'd like to spend more time with my friends and boyfriend before they leave </3
c. q. - tell me about a late night adventure you've had!
i'm taking a social media detox in my life right now, but i'm very active on wattpad (of course) and my new author instagram! sneak peaks, updates, and other fun stuff (like q&a's and a face reveal lolol) over there, if you fancy checking that out :) link is in my about me on my profile!
thanks for being lovely. i love you lots!