CHAPTER FIFTEEN
"What a slut time is. She screws everybody."
Yerim doesn't come find him that day. And the day after. And the day after that.
For some reason Jeongguk feels restless. Although he knows clearly that he hadn't done anything wrong to offend or hurt her feelings, he can't help but feel like Yerim was ignoring him.
He's contemplated a dozen times between talking to her or wait like a coward until she finally feels better. He takes the latter choice, a mistake because it only makes him feel more and more restless and guilty. As if something's missing.
As if a part of him is gone.
Jimin drags a hum that manages to get Jeongguk's ears vibrating even when he's on the other side of the line. "Yerim's giving you the cold shoulder? Well that's unusual, did you do something wrong?"
They had exchanged numbers before Jimin got discharged—for emergency purposes, the older had said—and Jeongguk has never really thought that his number would come in handy. After all, he's awkward around people older than him?
Well not really but who wouldn't be self conscious when speaking to the epitome of the sun.
But desperate times call for desperate measures and Jeongguk was surprised that the older bothered enough to picked up.
"I'm positive that I'm innocent?" he replies slowly, dragging the words as if he isn't sure himself. What did he do wrong? "Is it her mood swings?"
"Nah, she doesn't usually get that. I've been her friend there for like a little more than 2 weeks and she's basically Dora the Explorer 2.0. Never happy, never sad."
Jeongguk licks his bottom lip and leans down on his arms on the railings of the rooftop. The calm breeze sweeps into his hair, sending it into a mess that he doesn't bother fixing anymore. "Ahh, what do I do?" He doesn't even realise that he's whining.
Jimin responds with a laugh, amused by his desperation. "Did anything happen this week? Think, Jeongle, think."
"Jeongle—Weeeeellll," Jeongguk slurs. Should he just tell him the truth? "There was this guy who came over to visit her with his fiance a few days ago."
"And?"
"Do you know a Kim Taehyung?"
"Kim Taehyung? Ahhh, that fancy Gucci ass?"
"Gucci wha—yeah, that's him. He's Yerim's ex boyfriend. Wait, how do you know him?"
"He's an old friend. But we don't contact much anymore. So he's Yerim's past lover, huh?" Jimin sounds awed, as if he's been hearing news of their past relationship for the first time.
Jeongguk sighs and rubs his forehead as he mumbles, "Apparently. And he's engaged."
"So let me get this straight; Yerim's ex guy visited her with his fiance and now she doesn't want to talk to you?" Jimin asks.
The younger hums in response.
"She's obviously not over him."
Uh... ouch?
"How is that related to ignoring me?"
"She's not ignoring you. You know how girls are. They think too much up until the point where they forget about the other things are happening around them. If I was her and I had cancer, and my ex visited me with her freaking fiance, I would've felt beaten up too."
Jeongguk thinks about it for a moment—the older has a point. Although he's never experienced anything that close to a real relationship before (before Yerim, but he isn't even sure of what they've established between them. Are they friends? Or a little more?), he guesses that besides having a weak heart himself, emotional heartbreaks hurt a lot too.
"Talk to her," Jimin says. "She needs you this time, you know."
Jeongguk doesn't have to hesitate this time.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
He heads to her room with a donut in his hand; it's covered in white frosting, probably glucose sugar. He knows that's what she likes best—anything sweet and soft. It suits her just right.
He quickens his pace as he gets nearer to her room and tries to go through what he's going to say to her in his head.
Hey, this is for you. I thought you might want to eat something.
Jeongguk finally stops outside her door and inhales a deep breath before clicking it open. At first, all he can smell is the familiar scent of lemons and rosemaries as if she leaves a trail of that intoxicating smell everywhere she goes. Then he notices the heat. Is the airconditioning off or something?
"Yerim?" He calls out carefully as his eyes scan around the room. She's nowhere to be seen but her blanket's a mess. There's a bowl of half eaten porridge sitting on the table. It's still hot when Jeongguk touches it.
"Park Yerim," he tries again only to receive the same response. Silence. He puts the donut on the table next to the bowl and glances at the bathroom connected to her room. The door is closed but the light is on. Maybe she's just inside and Jeongguk was overreacting over nothing.
He waits a little while more for her to come out until there's the sound of a banging coming from inside the bathroom. Jeongguk narrows his eyebrows in confusion and darts towards the door. He calls her name again and receives the sound of someone... throwing up in the bathroom sink. The stench fills the bathroom and he swats a hand in front of his face to get it out of his nose.
"What's going on? Are you o—" He stops when he realises that she is in fact throwing up in the bathroom sink. Her back immediately tenses and stiffens up upon hearing his voice. As if she's been caught doing something that she's not supposed to.
Jeongguk reaches out to touch her back soothingly but she bends her head lower, splashing some water on her face before turning around to face him.
He takes a good long look at her and can't help to stare agape. She looks like a mess. Her lips are chapped. Her skin has lost their previous radiance. Her entire aura is just... Gone. She looks terrible, and Jeongguk feels terrible.
She pushes past him wordlessly and back into the room, retrieving a towel from the edge of her bed and wiping her face dry.
"What happened?" Jeongguk asks as he follows her from behind.
"Nothing," Yerim mumbles. "Forget you saw that."
This time, Jeongguk's patience is leveled very thinly. So it doesn't take a few couple more words to push him over the edge. Before he can stop himself, he's bursting out everything he's been keeping to himself for days.
"God damn it, Yerim. You were throwing up. I need to get a doctor," He turns around to go before he feels two hands wrapping around his waist—she's hugging him from behind.
"Don't," she mutters into his back. "Stay with me. That's all I need," she sounds so weak. So fragile. So... tired. Jeongguk's heart clenches. How long has she been feeling like this? Why hadn't he come earlier?
He turns around and immediately throws his arms around her, pulling her into a comfortable and warm embrace. So close that she can hear his heartbeat.
"It's getting worse isn't it?" He says it so softly. As if he's afraid that him stating it will make it come true.
Instead of saying something, she tightens her grip around him. He traces his fingers on the back of her head through her hair. "Talk to me," he whispers.
"I..." her voice is filled with desperation. "I can't eat. I want to. But I can't."
Jeongguk lets out a shaky breath and all of a sudden he feels like crying.
"I-It happens sometimes. I eat, and I throw it all up. It won't go down, it's stuck there. It's choking me, Jeongguk, it's choking me."
"Lets," Jeongguk steps back and holds her by her shoulders, looking into her glassy eyes. "Lets go get some fresh air," he intertwines his fingers in hers and leads her out of the room and up to the rooftop.
They end up sitting over the edge with their legs thrown over. He still hasn't let go of her hand. She just stares out at the horizon, her breathing much steadier compared to before.
"How do you feel?" He asks.
"I don't even know," Yerim replies. And she sounds like she really means it.
"I..." She trails off, finally looking down at her feet as she swings them through the air. Just one small slip and she could plunge down below. And it's such a long way down.
Jeongguk squeezes her hand to encourage her. "You?" He prompts.
"If I were to be honest," she starts off slow. "I've been feeling horrible."
"You should've told me," Jeongguk can feel the heat starting from inside his chest, but still he holds it in. "You shouldn't have tried to handle it on your own. Sometimes we all need a little help."
"I'm sorry."
He scoots closer to her and moves a fringe out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. She flushes instantly but looks away before he can see. "You've been ignoring me? It drives me insane," he confesses.
"I wasn't ignoring you," she answers faintly. And then, in a much softer tone, she adds, "I'm sorry."
"Stop apologising," Jeongguk says. "I'm not mad or anything, I was just... worried sick."
To his surprise, Yerim actually laughs. It sounds so fresh and new, as if he hasn't heard that beautiful sound come out of her mouth for years. He savours every second of it. All burdens fly out of his chest when he sees the way her eyes smile like crescent moons.
"I'll tell you what," she turns, a flicker of absence in her expression. "Before we met, I loved this particular guy. He was from Daegu. Kim Taehyung. My first love I supposed—and please, don't interrupt me," She cuts him before he can open his mouth to speak.
"We met in highschool. All those typical romances that you usually see on TV or read about in books. We both took theatre at the time. He taught me how to act, how to control my expressions, how to put my tone right for the mood of the characters and stuff like that," she pauses and takes deep breath.
The air around them suddenly feels so compressed and Jeongguk can practically sense the tension floating above them. More particularly; above her.
"I respected him. Followed him around alot. He confessed to me and we ended up together just as we graduated high school. We loved each other. We were practically inseparable," she smiles at the memory.
"And then one day it just... stopped. We drifted apart and it was like drowning, slow and painfully agonising. We stopped doing things together, barely even talked sometimes. I knew that something was wrong but I never dared to talk to him about it. I was just that stupid and I sat there, waiting for things to go back on its own. Like a fool."
"And then the cancer came," She chuckles bitterly. "I didn't know how to tell him. But I figured that since we were already starting to fade away, I broke it off with him for good. Cracked under the pressure and pain and I was sick of everything. I took it out on him. He tried to fix me. But you know fixing a person isn't like fixing a toy. When you fix a person, you put yourself up to be broken. I didn't want him to be broken," Yerim reaches out to take Jeongguk's hand in hers for comfort. He lends her his hand without hesitation. Listening to the ache in her voice and memories that were never meant to be dug back up.
"Besides, I think we already had a silent establishment on the fact that we just weren't meant to be. Maybe I wasn't in love with him. Maybe I was just in love of the idea of being in love," the air is suffocating. "He only found out about the... illness a few weeks after. Came to see me once and never again, until recently," she swallows a lump in her throat.
"But you know what? That's when I realised that the world's cruel, it's a riot. He still remembers what kind of food I like to eat, remembers how much I love painting with a passion. It's been 2 years and he didn't even try to forget me. He looks like crap even when he's in love with Seoyeon. You know why? It's the memories," She breathes, and suddenly Jeongguk notices the slight quiver in her lips, as if she's afraid. "No one can save anyone from their memories."
They're so close that their knees are knocking against each other. And Jeongguk prays that deep down inside, the universe will give them a little more time.
It's clear what Yerim is getting at, he attempts fighting his next words but it's ultimately impossible. All he can manage to say in the end is "Let me help you."
Yerim smiles, sad and bitter smile with no meaning of happiness at all. "You're going to regret."
"I won't regret," He replies without a second thought. "You said that we had a choice. You said that you wanted to be happy. You created a whole new universe and it was so beautiful I fell in love with it and everything in it," He stares up into her eyes and they lock gazes, neither wanting to look away. "If it's the memories that you can't stand, let me help you make new ones. Better memories that you won't even bother looking back anymore. Just give me a chance."
The memories she's given him were a hundred times better than anything he's ever experienced in his entire life. And if she can give him that, he can give it to her too.
"There's not much time," Yerim breathes out. "You and I. Here... there's not much time."
"What happened to choosing happiness? What happened to being comrades and flying around among all the stars and silver moons and big big planets? What happened to not being afraid of death? What happened to defying death?"
She looks at him as if he's grown two heads. Biting down on her lip, she averts her eyes but not before Jeongguk catches her chin with his hand and tilts her head back to face him.
"You once said that a life without challenges wouldn't have meaning. What happened to that?"
"Don't you understand?" She whispers. "It's the way I cope. It gets better when you say things to convince yourself. It gets better when you act like you don't care at all."
"But you do care," Jeongguk says. "You're just afraid of facing the truth."
Taking a few gulps, she says, "Aren't you afraid of death too, Jeongguk?"
"I'm not afraid," He answers. And he doesn't even think of lying. "Of death, at least. I'm afraid of not being able to live my life before I die. I'm afraid of making mistakes that I will carry to my grave. Afraid of losing all the chances that go my way. Afraid of having regrets."
Afraid of losing you too, he says in his heart. "We live everyday in uncertainty. I might die tonight, you might. Or tomorrow. Or the day after. We'll never know. They say to live everyday as your last. I think I finally get that line now. We won't have all the time in the world, Yerim."
If the both of us were to leave tomorrow, I don't want you to go with regrets.
Yerim shifts slightly, moving a fraction on an inch closer to Jeongguk. But not too close. "You know, the wedding. It's on my birthday," she says regretfully. "I don't know if he remembers that or not but... it hit me there a little?"
Jeongguk finds himself blurting out the answer quicker than his mind registers it. "I think you should go."
She gapes at him in disbelief, as if he's just told her to go and bring him a roasted ostrich.
She stutters out, "I... I'm not sure about that—"
"You want to get over him, don't you?" he's surprised at his sudden courage. His voice doesn't even stutter or shake like he thinks it would. But his heart certainly hasn't calmed down yet. Every mention of this so called Kim Taehyung sends daggers into his chest. Even if they mean nothing to each other anymore, like Yerim said, memories don't go away that easy.
"Jeongguk—I'm not strong enough," she whispers softly.
He clutches her hand and brings it up to his chest, right where his heart should be. She stares at it for a moment, blinking her eyes in confusion as she waits for him to explain.
He gives her a smile. Something warm and comforting."You're the strongest person I've ever met, Yerim. I think that's a gift."
He reaches up to cup her cheek in a hand. Her skin is soft under his palm. The outlines of her face are shining, just like the sun. "What if I make a fool out of myself?" She asks, looking up into his eyes.
He quirks an eyebrow. "And how would the oh-so-mighty Park Yerim do that?"
"I don't know like, bawl my eyes out or something," she rolls her eyes playfully.
"You know, I don't see why we should bother establishing those rules if we don't even keep them."
"I do keep them."
"You basically broke them all in a span of an hour."
"At least I'm still alive," she pinches him on the thigh, not hard enough to hurt. "That's one rule we should never break. It's forbidden," she whispers that last part into his ear as if it's a secret. Jeongguk smiles.
"You're not going to bawl your eyes out. I'll push them right back into your sockets," He teases and messes her front hair, sending her hands flapping at him. It's too dangerous to play around where they're sitting, but none of them seem to care.
Yerim nudges his shoulder and leans her head onto it. "Hey," she says. "Can we maybe... skip the wedding?"
"So just the dinner?"
"Just the dinner. It'll hurt a lot less with food."
"Sure, tiger," He leans his head over hers and they stare up at the sky. It seems to be staring back at them, the wind whispering a silent praise in their ears;
It's going to be okay.
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AN
Can I just have a reaaaaally short rant
Have you ever felt so sad by the mere thought of someone up until the point where your emotions just jumble up and you're left there not knowing what to feel
Because I do :(