a/n:
if alcohol, tEaRs and heAvY angSt triggers you, i suggest that you don't proceed with this chapter.
buckle up and enjoy the ride <3
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jennie's pov (surprise modafaka)
days.
weeks.
a month.
time spilled slowly underneath my feet. i die a little bit more inside every tick of the clock. i haven't seen jisoo smile because of me in ages. i miss it, every inch of me is craving to see it again.
it's been one month, jisoo haven't talked to me properly yet. i tried to reach for her multiple times, but it didn't work. i swallowed my pride for her, but for some reason -- it just wasn't enough.
i tried to invite her for breakfast, lunch, dinner, but every single time, she would always say she's busy or she has something to do with kenzo.
what is it with him anyways?
what is it with him that made her forget everything about me? is it his gentle nature? his kindness? his selfless self? what's so special about him that made her choose him over me? or maybe it's because i'm just really nothing for jisoo.
maybe for her i'm just someone who's there. . . but not really.
maybe i'm not so important to her than i thought i was.
weeks after weeks, i keep telling myself that one of these days jisoo would come running back to me. but every tick of the clock, i grow more hopeless.
and i want to numb everything. i want to numb my hands that used to squeeze hers whenever she's weary. i want to numb my lips that have tasted every crevice of her trembling mouth. i want to numb my brain because all it does is think of her instead of the solutions to the math problems.
but most of all, i want to numb my heart that continues to love her up to this day even though from the looks of it; i've already been replaced.
i want to numb every piece of me so i'll stop aching. so, i'll stop wanting her to be close to me at all times.
"yo, jennie, you need to stop," i felt lisa's hand gripping my shoulder. "you've drank like 8 shots of vodka. . . if you continue, you're going to pass out," the concern in her voice made me cringe. doesn't she find this ironic or amusing?
i mean, THE jennie kim, who's known to not give a single fuck about anyone's feeling, and is entitled as a "player" is drinking because of a girl? not just some random girl, but the one she bullied and made fun of?
such a hypocrite. yeah, i know.
"it's chill," i shot her a smug smile before grabbing the bottle of vodka and pouring myself another shot.
alcohol. i love the taste of it especially on bitter days -- it makes the concoction taste a lot sweeter. when your stomach gets full of alcohol everything starts to fill alright again. everything feels good, you forget your problems and the cause of your aches, your feel detached from everything, you forget for a while--
and that's what i need. i need to forget jisoo for a while.
"cheers?" i raised my shot glass, expecting lisa to do the same, but she merely shot me a deadly glare.
i felt scared for a second. lisa is a bubbly girl, she never looks mad or frightening.
"what's wrong?" i placed the shot glass down and looked at her worriedly.
"what's wrong?" she huffed and rolled her eyes. "jennie, are you for real?"
"what do you mean?" i raised a brow. my vision was starting to get blurry and i smiled to myself.
if i could make everything blurry maybe -- i'd look and be good enough for her.
"are you serious?" lisa raised her voice. "jennie, you've been drinking for six days straight and you're out here asking what the fuck is wrong?" she barked at me.
am i becoming like my father?
i flinched at the thought, and i made no effort to reply or say anything to lisa. instead, i grabbed the shot glass and was about to drink it when suddenly lisa snatched it out my hand.
"you need to stop," she firmly stated.
i rolled my eyes. "come on, lisa, you're no fun."
"damn right, i'm no fun," she said.
i tried to steal the drink from her, but my drunk self wouldn't move my limbs the way i wanted them to.
"i think eight shots are enough for today."
"i'm old enough to have what i want!" my voiced raised involuntarily.
i was shock that i've raised my voice to my bestfriend. i never raise my voice when i talk to them, this is the first time.
lisa was shock just like i was, but she quickly regained back her composure. "but you're certainly not smart enough to do what you want!" she said through gritted teeth. "jennie, this shit is not healthy! you're slowly destroying yourself!"
slowly destroying myself?
funny.
TWO WEEKS AGO;;
when the final bell rang, i immediately got on both feet. i literally shoved all my things inside my bag in one go. some of my classmates looked at me weird because they have never seen me this eager to leave. i was speed-walking around the campus, hoping to spot a familiar someone. i was literally on my tippy toes trying to look for her. i knew that looking for her in school especially when it's this crowded wouldn't be easy because jisoo is such a small bean.
but i wouldn't give up so easily, would i?
a few more minutes of roaming the area and still no luck of finding jisoo. i was about to call it a day, thinking that maybe she had already gone home by now.
"hey, what's up?" i felt a tap on my back. i turned around and rosé greeted my view.
"hey, rosie," i greeted her and we did our usual, infamous handshake. "have you seen jisoo?"
"yeah," she nodded. "saw her walking out of school with that boy kenzo."
i felt a slight prick right in my chest, but i ignored it. they're just really good friends. nothing more, nothing less.
"why are you looking for her?" rosé raised a questioning brow.
i shrugged. "just need to tell her something real quick."
"oh? okay then, good luck," she patted my shoulder for the last time and i finally went off.
i literally jogged my way out of school. my eyes flashed back and forth hoping to catch at least a glimpse of the beautiful girl. again, no luck whatsoever.
just as i was about to lose hope for the second time today, i hear a very, very familiar laugh. i turned around and see jisoo -- with kenzo.
i see his eyes look at jisoo lovingly, i see him taking great pleasure by the angelic laugh jisoo's producing. when jisoo finally stopped laughing, she looked at kenzo like he's the most beautiful thing ever.
their eyes were gushing out with emotions and i couldn't stomach the fact that jisoo looks so fucking happy with someone else.
suddenly, i'm engulfed in such painful silence.
my fists closed, nails digging inside of my palms, yet i don't flinch. i don't feel anything at this moment because the painful throbbing of my heart overwhelmed everything else.
i feel as if my heart is being crushed inside my rib cage and i couldn't do anything to stop it. and just when i thought that nothing could get any worse; kenzo leaned to jisoo and captured her lips into a passionate kiss.
my mind screamed as my heart exploded into debris.
pull back!
pull away from him!
but she didn't. i see her kiss him back and every remaining intact piece of my heart shattered.
just how much pain am i feeling? it's as if my heart is being gauged out my chest.
i put my hand inside the pocket of hoodie and pulled out the two tickets for the movie jisoo wanted to watch and crumpled them.
then i slowly walked away from them -- i don't cry, my face remained static, but my heart is telling a different story. my heart screams and shouts -- too many knives are being stabbed at it. i feel like i'm being killed, but not really dying, my heart is bleeding and i feel nauseas.
i feel really, really nauseas.
for a second, i wanted to die?
but dying means not being able to see jisoo anymore -- so that thought immediately vanished. everything vanished, but the pain of seeing her with someone else didn't.
i drove home, my hands gripping the stirring wheel so tightly that i can feel the skin of my knuckles starting to separate.
i feel like i can crash any second now because there's an image of jisoo with kenzo flashing inside my head every now and then -- it's driving me crazy.
it's piercing my lungs with happy memories of jisoo and i can't properly breathe.
when i saw kenzo kiss the girl i prepared to spend the rest of my pitiful life with. . . i swear to god i never wanted to hurt someone so bad in my life; i wanted to rip the happiness right out of his face.
it's killing me that she can go around and easily find someone new and i just can't.
i see jisoo's smile in every cloud and her hauntingly perfect face in every reflection. because the more she ignores me, the more i want her; love doesn't want to be ignored and love will always find a way.
love is unconditional, you will fall no matter how much it hurts.
but i think -- what i've seen earlier is a perfectly clear indication that maybe i should just stop.
wait. when did i even fell in love with her?
oh, yeah, it was when i first kissed her in the school's parking lot. . . her soft lips on mine, i couldn't resist the butterflies in my stomach.
no, i didn't bully jisoo because i liked her. i'm not like that and my life definitely isn't a cliché one either.
i bullied her because i needed something to release my frustration on, but that something turned into jisoo.
when i first saw jisoo; it was the the first day of junior high. i saw her walking alone, head hung low -- she looked so fragile and soft -- she was the perfect target for me. every single day, i would unleash my pent up frustration to her and she'd do nothing, but take all of them in.
i was bad to her. i hurt her in so many ways.
they were moments that i just couldn't forgive myself for all the things i've done to her.
i never really expected that the girl i used to hurt would be the same girl whom i would fall in love with.
oh, the irony of it all.
with a sigh, i parked my car in our garage and got out. i went inside my abode and i wasn't even surprised to hear screams.
i see my father sitting on the couch. i wasn't also surprised to see him drunk, to see him angry, to see him screaming at everything that moves. i had gotten used to this already.
years of coming home and watching my father drink the alcohol right from the bottle. . . of course, i'll get used to it already.
believe it or not, my father is a successful business man -- but he's only successful because my mom, my father's ex-wife is with him every meeting and presentation. the only time, my father is sober enough to think decently is when they need to present something to companies to branch out.
my mother and father don't go along very well -- maybe that's why the divorce happened. they're only ever together when they need to go to business trips (they have to do it together because they both own the company and my mother knows that my father would be a mess if he tried to run a multi-millionaire company alone.)
"we're out of cognac, sir. . ." the maid cooed.
"what do you mean we ran out of cognac?!" i heard my father yell at one of our maids.
she flinched back, unable to reply to my drunk father. i can see the tears threatening to leave her doe eyes.
still suffering from the unbearable heartbreak jisoo gave me, i didn't want to talk to anyone at the moment, but i know that i had to do something -- she's too young to witness my father's bullshit.
"i'll buy you another one later," i said.
both my father and the maid whipped their heads to my direction. i can see how her face lit up the moment i stepped in and i also saw how my father's face turned sour the moment i spoke.
"what do you mean later?" he spat, he tried to stand up, but he failed miserably. i would've laugh, but there's nothing really funny about it. "i need it NOW!"
"then you'll just have to wait it out," i replied casually and shrugged.
i said that to anger him more and it worked like magic. before i could even process what was happening, my father had already stomped his way to me and pushed me so hard that it sent me flying to the ground.
i do not cry.
i'm used to this.
ever since my mother left him, i haven't seen him away from alcohol.
"how dare you!" he barked. "i don't have a daughter that's useless!"
i don't have a father who loves alcohol more than her own daughter.
i lethargically stood up. my already broken heart broke at his statement, but i still don't cry. i hear that almost every time we talk; i'm used to this.
i've come up with the theory that what fueled his alcoholic ways more is because maybe he found out i was bisexual.
if he could make everything blurry and disfigured. . . maybe i would look straight enough for him.
like maybe if everything is not clear. . . my straight A's would look good enough for him.
like maybe whenever he passes out with a blood alcohol content two times the legal limit. . . he dreams of the days that my mother was still happy with us.
i sadly smiled at the man i used to proudly call my father.
the heartbreak that jisoo gave me and seeing him like this sent me into a painful state of oblivion.
i finally cry.
a lonely tear rolls down my cheek, but no more than that comes out.
everything hurts like hell.
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a/n:
so, a piece of jennie's life. what do you guys think? oh btw, next chapter will still be in jennie's pov ;)