~The fact that the stories in this chapter actually happened to me made me laugh the whole time.
Also please read the authors note! Enjoy!~
My doorbell rang. I checked my phone and saw it said 8pm.
She's as quick as the kids who here 'free edibles!' at parties.
I threw my phone on my bed and ran downstairs to the front door. I unlocked it and pulled it open to be faced with a smiling Cassie. She lifted up a case of beer and in the other hand, a bag with Chipotle, ice cream, and oreos.
The messiah has arrived children.
I moved away to let her in, letting out a relieved sigh in the process. She walked into my house and looked around.
"Nice house you got here," She looked around more as she paused. "Months. You've been here months yet you still haven't unpacked everything?" She said motioning the hand with the beer towards the clumsy mess of boxes near my kitchen.
I rolled my eyes at her and began to walk upstairs with her following suit.
"You know if your mind is so closed how come your mouth is so open?" I questioned, peeking back at her. "With Matt now, I guess I shouldn't be surprised your mouth is so open, that di..."
She smacked the back of my head with the bag of cookies and I laughed at her. She pouted at me but soon laughed as well.
"Well, at least I'm getting some right now, unlike someone here," She whistled and I flicked her off playfully.
"That is the reason you are here, oh great matchmaker," I bowed to her jokingly as we entered my room. She looked at me shocked for a moment but soon a huge smile spread on her face.
Hopefully that's what she looked like when she saw Matt's dick. Cause I mean, we don't want a shista to not be satisfied.
She threw herself on my bed.
By all means make yourself at home. Just no fucking on my bed. My domain.
"Now," She paused and opened up the jug of ice cream. "Let's get started." She took out a few spoons that were in the bottom of the bag and handed one to me.
WE STAN A PREPARED SHISTA.
"Ok, so take your phone out," She motioned towards where my phone was lying and I grabbed it. I put in my passcode and handed it to her. She was looking through my phone when her face scrunched. She took the spoon out of her mouth and looked to me shocked.
"Yellow? Really?" She spoke and I nodded reluctantly.
What? It got me good dick in the past.
"What about it?" I said, pouting, as I ate another scoop of ice cream. She shook her head.
"Yellow is the most backhanded thing I had ever used in the past," She spoke. "Last time I used this I found a hot ass guy, I'm talkin' six pack and ALL. But the first thing he did was send me a dick pick because he was...turned on by my thigh high boots in my profile picture. Not me. The boots." She said disgustedly.
I started to laugh and she soon followed.
THAT'S a fetish that's new to me. And I know someone who had an ear fetish in middle school.
"Not only that bu....but he asked me if his dick was g...good," She said between laughs. "But he was literally like three inches! I told him I've seen better so I wouldn't h...hurt his f...feelings but then he s...said." She paused due to a laughing fit.
FUCK GIRL SPILL IT.
"W...what did he said GIRL TELL ME," I demanded trying to contain my laughter.
She took a breath and pulled a serious look onto her face.
"He said 'so, not bad right?'" She said lowly. But we both couldn't contain our laughter again and we both lost it.
"I...I'm telling you it's a curse! Hot guys almost always have small dicks," She said calming down and pointing towards me with her spoon. My laughter trailed off and I wiped a tear that had slipped out off my face.
"Luck of the draw I guess," I said as I chuckled. She hummed in response and muttered a quiet 'don't I know it.'
Why does she get to be so damn relatable.
She's one of those girls you want to hate, but can't.
I cocked my head towards her, "So what are we going to do then?" I questioned, pulling the oreos out of the bag and peeling the back open.
FOODGASM. Better than sex. Sex on the beach without alcohol.
I took a bite of an Oreo. I moaned slightly.
"Hold your horses there cowboy we haven't gotten you a boy yet," She said wiggling a finger at me and I rolled my eyes at her. She ignored it and continued.
"Well, we are going to make you a Tinder account," She smirked at me mischievously. I looked back at her confused.
"Don't you have to be eighteen?" I questioned. She deadpanned and looked at me with a shocked face.
This bitch don't want to be gettin' old ass guys on my ass. This ass is for me and Cole Sprouse.
I currently am debating between the two Riverdale boys. That Sweet Pea guy is the current dark horse.
"Aren't you like...17 right now?" She questioned me with a raised eyebrow.
Yes, I'm a junior and also 17. Turning 18 by the end of this school year.
My parents adopted me from a far away land with dragons and pixies and shit. My real parents were irrelevant and so my current parents held me back a year due to some medical issues I had as a child.
That is why I was held back a year.
LIFE STORIES WITH CLAY. RYAN SEACREST WHERE'S MY SPINOFF SERIES.
THE KARDASHIANS ARE QUAKING.
"Yes," I answered bluntly as I took another bite out of an oreo.
If Cassie was a guy and brought me this stuff. We would definitely would be playing a whole different ball game with these snacks.
She waved her hands around dramatically, "Then who gives a fuck?" She questioned loudly.
Blunt like the weed I convinced her smoke a few weeks back. Bitch was fucked upp.
I shrugged, "Then let's get this started biyach." I grabbed another scoop of ice cream and we started.
"Alright so profile pictures..." She trailed and began to look through my phone. I sat there patiently waiting for her to speak. I continued to eat but soon paused as she began giggling and I proceeded to slap her leg as I stared at her with a raised eyebrow.
"W..why is this i..in your phone?" She questioned. I looked at her confused but she turned the phone around and I saw a photo I had taken with Michelle when I was in 8th grade.
It was a photo of us. She was wearing a grey crop top that didn't fit her because her boobs were too big for it and me next to her wearing a green crop top. Under that crop top I had one of her bras on with those decorative balls stuffed in the cups.
When I get my own home y'all bitches DEFINITELY GON SEE SOME DECORATIVE BALLS.
"Hey don't judge," I spoke pointedly at her. "With some more work I will be sissying that walk on RuPaul's Drag Race." She laughed at me.
"Ooh for sure," She said sarcastically. I smiled and shook my head at her. She continued looking through my photos, picking a couple in the process. She stopped and looked up to me for a moment.
"You want to have any shirtless picks or no?" She questioned and I contemplated for a moment.
"Girl I love to look but not be seen. If they gonna want to talk to me they're going to have to like me with my shirt on first." I spoke confidently and she gave me a satisfied smirk.
"A queen with modesty, we respect," She spoke and high fived me as she continued. Soon enough she was done and so was half of the neapolitan ice cream jug.
Damn we thicc queens in here.
"Alright, next step is bio," She spoke. "What do you want people to know about you."
I thought for a moment, putting my finger on my chin.
"I'm adventurous, love doing things on a whim," I spoke and she typed while nodding her head. "I like to party sometimes but also just curl up on netflix." She paused and looked to me with a questioning gaze.
"Curl up on netflix?" She questioned, smiling. "You curlin' up on her, damn didn't know this was a spinoff of the HER movie." I felt the urge to laugh but joked around instead.
"I AM A CHILD OF GOD WHAT ARE YOU INSINUATING," I said in a low bellowy voice, we both seemingly contained our laughter but she lifted her arms up, releasing a laugh in the process. I nodded my head at her in a knowing manner.
"I love running...," I said.
"From yo problems," She spoke jokingly.
"SILENCIO!" I yelled and lifted my nose in the air. She laughed again.
This hoe is worse than those laughing wind up toys.
Or a vibrator. Only stops when you turn it off. Problem is.
I don't know how to turn this one off.
I continued for a little bit longer coming up with whatever bullshit I could. Not that it was untrue but damn it's hard to remember who you are on the spot.
"Alright anything else?" She questioned and looked up to me.
"Oh! I love dick and am open to new positions," I said quickly with a smirk crawling onto my face. Got her now. I looked up, innocently holding my ice cream spoon in my mouth. The shocked face I was expecting was nowhere to be seen and she smirked at me and shrugged.
"Alright and create..." She spoke and my jaw dropped. I tried to snatch the phone away from her hand but she wiggled a finger at me.
This bitch.
"Nuh uh Clay, you wanted this, what's the problem now?" She playfully spoke poking my nose. I felt my ears heat up and I clenched my jaw.
"I don't want no old as dick coming at me on this!" I yelled at her moving my hands around dramatically. "I get the whole 'age is just a number' shit but I AIN'T ABOUT IT AT 17."
She shook her head at me but I continued.
"IF I WANTED OLD DICK YOUR BITCH WOULD BE ON OMEGLE RIGHT NOW." I finished and she giggled slightly. She rolled her eyes and turned the phone around.
She turned the phone around and I saw that she never typed what I had spoken.
"Calm down you baby, I'm not Cher from Clueless." She rolled her eyes and I let out a relieved sigh.
You may not have her mind but girl you have that body. YES QUEEN.
"Now let me show you what to do next," She spoke and crawled next to me. She leaned over and showed me my phone screen. I saw a guy pop up on the screen. He was 20 years old and lived in a town near where we currently were.
He had a cute blue v neck on with jeans and was posing on a wall at what seemed to be a party. He had dark, I'm assuming black hair and light scruff on his face.
Reminds me of Reed.
If only he was gay. I would tap that ass real quick. Fuck all these other guys.
Literally and figuratively.
"He's cute as fuck," I spoke and she swiped to show some more of his pictures. Damn this boy had a six pack. Was athletic and tan as fuck.
~I want it all the fame and the fortune...~
And that dick THO.
"Alright so we're going to swipe right for him, if you don't like them then you swipe left ok?" She explained and I excitedly nodded. I snatched the phone out of her hand and begun swiping.
Loves travelling? Check.
Long walks on the beach? Uncheck.
I ain't no basic bitch that's for damn sure.
I felt like I was swiping for hours and I looked up to Cassie who was casually eating a cookie while on her phone.
Bae's got an appetite. LOVE IT.
"How long has it been," I groaned as I threw my phone aside and collapsed face first into my comforter. I heard her shift.
"7 minutes," She said clearly. I looked up at her with a shocked face.
7 minutes? Are people who do this for hours this damn desperate.
I am but that's not the point.
I groaned again and fell into pillow. I heard her shift again from beside me and felt the bed shift.
"I'll help you, now scooch your fat ass over," She nudged me over and I moved. I reached out and grabbed the ice cream jug that was now almost empty and oreos. I went to take a scoop but she stopped me.
"This is going to take a while," She said. I was about to retort but I soon saw her grab a handful of oreos and crush them in her hand as she mixed them into the ice cream.
Did I just find a goddess? I think so.
She swiped her hands together over the ice cream and proceeded to hand me a spoon.
"Let's get started."
----------------------------------------------
After a grueling two hours we found a couple of guys of interest to me. We finished the ice cream about ten minutes in because...why not? Now we were laying back on my bed drinking the beer she bought and just talking.
"So how are things with you and Mattyo?" I questioned her as a I took another swig of alcohol.
She got this really good polish shit from the polish store apparently.
I gotta start being more bilingual.
"Eh," She said. I sat up on my elbows and looked at her with furrowed eyebrows. I saw her peek over and me and she sighed.
"I love the boy," She spoke. "But he...he doesn't want to do anything you know? Normally I wouldn't care but it makes me feel...unwanted." She said sadly and sat up, crossing her legs.
"Girl, you are not unwanted, If you weren't dating Matt then you could be dating any other boy in the school," I spoke and she pouted down at her beer.
"I don't know, I'm not exactly the model thin pretty girl," She sadly said. "Although I come off strong I'm just really self concious." She spoke. I looked at her.
THIS GIRL HAS A BODY ANY GIRL WOULD DIE FOR WHAT.
"You have meat on your bones yes," I said. "But your thicc as fuck, you have curves and look like you could beat a hoe." I nodded approvingly at her. She sighed.
"I don't have a flat stomach, my arms sag a bit, and Matt is this fit guy who's on the football team, any cheerleader would fit way better with him than me," A snarl grew onto her face. "Even Chloe."
I quickly slapped her arm and she looked at me shocked slightly.
CHLOE COMPARING CHLOE TO A GOOD GIRL FOR HIM? IS THIS BITCH HIGH?
"How could you said that!" I scolded. "She looks like a whored up bratz dolls. And I know someone who had some quality time with those dolls in middle school." I pointed at her in anger. I frowned at her but soon smiled as I saw a smile creep up on her face. Mission accomplished.
"So stop comparing yourself, your gorgeous and Matt is the lucky one to have you," I spoke. She climbed over and hugged me tightly. I wrapped my arms around her and she laid her head on my shoulder.
"Thank you," She whispered and tightened her hold.
Alright, alright, hugs are great but any tighter and I think I might pop in places y'all don't want me to.
"Thank me by showing that boy who's boss," I said as I pulled away and looked her in the face. She smirked at me and nodded.
BDSM IS WHAT THIS GIRL IS THINKING. I'M TELLING YOU.
Right as she sat back my phone pinged and we looked at each other with wide eyes.
"God is answering everyone's prayers today," She spoke. At the same time we both swan dived over my bed to grab my phone but last second she shoved me over the edge and I fell onto the floor with my legs facing upward towards the bed and my face on the ground.
I ain't ready for ass play today sweetheart, no no no.
"OH MY GOD HE'S SO CUTE!" I heard her exclaim above me, I quickly threw myself up from the floor and threw myself beside her.
You don't have to be a hoe to want to fuck a cute guy. DON'T JUDGE.
I looked at the profile picture and saw a 19 year old college student who was going to UIC that I had seen before. He had dirty blonde hair and gorgeous green eyes. Slight scruff but also there were photos of him without, either way...we wanna smash the boy.
We matched and he had already sent a quick 'hey' to me in the messages. I saw Cassie quickly respond a hey back to him and we waited. I was slightly bouncing on the bed in excitement.
What? I haven't gotten some in a while. A hoe has her needs.
"Maybe you should make a sex joke," Cassie suggested. "Give him some hints you know what I mean?" She wiggled her eyebrows at me." I rolled my eyes and pulled my phone from her hands. I went to her messages and texted her a sentence. Her phone pinged and she looked at me and raised an eyebrow.
"You couldn't have just said it?" She questioned.
"JUST CHECK THE PHONE WOMAN." I yelled playfully at her. She laughed and opened it and soon laughed more once she saw my response to her earlier suggestion.
Claythecocksucker: Accurate.
I mean cum on, Cassie. I can't suck that.
I mean send. Oops.
I'm good what can I say?
Soon enough we were interrupted again by another message. It took a while later for a conversation to really get going because Cassie said we have to make him wait. So we wouldn't respond for fifteen minute intervals.
No sass, No ass.
Finally he sent something that caught my attention.
Tyler:
Your cute. You want to meet up sometime and hang out? I know a club that we can get into downtown. They don't card either if you want to go.
Now you are talking.
Also your? You're babe. Lucky your hot.
I looked to Cassie and we both screeched.
"Clay's/I'm gonna get some dick," We singsonged together as we hopped on the bed.
"RESPOND!" She yelled. I looked at her.
"It hasn't been fifteen minutes?" I questioned and she looked at me stupidly.
"FORGET IT, TAP THAT ASS BITCH!" She yelled.
She's a good egg.
I quickly responded yes and we talked about meeting up over the weekend. I told him I would meet him at the club he suggested at 7pm.
"Looks like were going to have another fun Saturday Cassie," I said with a smirk on my face.
Goodbye Kol. Hello Tyler.
---------------------------------------------
I walked into school the next morning almost skipping around happily.
Your bitch is high on life lemme tell you.
I went to each period and got weird looks from my classmates as they were confused with how happy I was. Each period we had some sort of project or paper we were supposed to write.
BUT A BITCH BE GETTIN' ASS ON SATURDAY SO STFU ALL OF YOU.
I even happily strolled into english class and plopped down next to Reed with a wide smile on my face. He slowly looked up to me and cocked a confused smile on his face.
We win more and more these days.
"What's with you?" He questioned and I turned to him.
"Why? Is there something wrong with smiling on this beautiful day?" I said cheerily, I swear I saw him cringe slightly at my enthusiasm.
He pointed outside and my eyes turned.
It was raining.
"What? I like rain," I shrugged, the smile not leaving my face. He cocked his head at me. I looked towards him and mouthed 'what?' again.
"Nothing. But normally you smile less than Kristen Stewart and today is a whole different story," He shrugged and reached into his backpack to pull out his laptop.
WAIT.
"You know Kristen Stewart?" I questioned him. He nodded and looked up at me but soon his eyes widened in realization at what I had been insinuating.
"THE BIG BAD BOY WATCHED TWILIGHT?" I screamed and all students looked towards us. Some laughed but as soon as Reed's deep glare met their eyes the smiles and laughter fell to a quiet whisper.
"Can you be any louder?" He questioned with a glare directed towards me. In the past I would have been afraid of his glare but now it wasn't so scary.
The whole dangerous facade was actually an adorable puppy facade.
He was like an overprotective german shepherd. *Swoon*
I smiled at him and opened my mouth to yell again but I felt his large hand slap over my face.
Damn large hands large...
"Do. Not." He spoke menacingly. "I was forced to watch them by my twelve year old cousin alright?" His grey eyes pierced mine and still no fear was instilled in me.
All I can think about now is him watching twilight on a couch with a twelve year old who probably had tea parties with him.
He would be a damn good daddy. *wink*
"I'm going to take my hand off now. And then you're going to tell me why you're so smiley today so we can get off this damn topic. Okay?" He questioned but it came out more as a demand. I nodded towards him.
The only man who can demand anything of me outside the bedroom and get what they want.
Switch him out for Kol please.
He removed his hand and sat back in his seat. I thought back to this Saturday and got excited all over again. Tyler seemed like a really cool guy to hang out with. He was active in the LGBT community and went to tons of marches and even spoke at them sometimes. He had a great sense of humor and was currently at UIC going for his medical degree.
I'd let him operate on me anytime.
"Well," I begun. "I started talking to someone." I said excitedly and Reed waited for me to continue. He looked at me intently.
"He's in college and is going for a medical degree at UIC. We're meeting up at a club this weekend downtown," I said with a content sigh. "I'm really excited."
Reed looked at me and sighed slightly.
"He's not too old for you right?" Reed questioned. I shook my head.
"Only by two years, he graduated high school last year, almost two years ago now," I said. Reed nodded.
Exasperated, he ran a hand through his hair.
What's this boys problem? What's with the interrogation?
He looked up at me with concern lacing his sharp features.
Good look on him.
"Just be careful ok Clay?" He said. "And if you need anything, if he...tries anything. Don't refrain from calling me." He spoke, his voice lowering to a protective depth.
Even better look on him.
I nodded towards him and smiled. He put a hand on my shoulder and I gripped his forearm.
DAMN THIS BOY IS MUSCULAR. HE'S FUCKING THOR IN A PRIME TIME TV SHOW OR SOME SHIT.
"Just...be careful," He spoke and looked into my eyes deeply. I couldn't help but let my mind drift to our previous conversation a few weeks prior to today.
'Y...you remind me of someone I used to know.'
Was this another thing that relates to that someone? Who was he always referring back to when it came to me?
Concern soon crept it's way onto my features. I opened my mouth about to question him but I was soon cut off from speaking.
"What's going on here?" A deep voice asked from behind me. I looked back and saw a slightly angered Kol peering over me. I turned back to Reed and realized the position we were in.
His hand was gripping my shoulder as my hand gripped his forearm. Our faces inches apart as we both were speaking to each other previously. The first time I realized Reeds leg rested between mine. I blushed slightly and we pulled away from each other.
Mr.Bonejangles comin' out to play today y'all.
I looked back up to a glaring Kol and I rolled my eyes.
"What were you two talking about," Kol questioned, his eyes narrowing on Reed.
"What were doing over the weekend," Reed answered coldly. Kol flashed his eyes to me.
"You two hanging out?" He questioned me. I looked to him.
"No, I'm meeting with someone," I answered stiffly. I saw his eyes slightly widen and a sad look grow on his face which soon reverted back to anger. I saw him open his mouth to ask what I assumed would be 'who?' but I quickly cut him off.
"We ain't got time for this shit today can we just get to work?" I said annoyed and Kol ignored me and continued to glare at Reed.
Clay is the name. Breaking relationships between 'bros' is the game.
The both nodded and we got to work. Chloe joining us a bit later, her lipstick slightly smudged and her hair out of place.
Guess I'm not the only one who can give good ass head in this school.
~Hey loves i'm so sorry about the later update. My computer has been slowing down this past week or so and it's been taking me a bit longer. Two days ago my computer completely crashed and I had to go get it fixed. But now everything is good and I can start getting chapters moving again!
Hope y'all are excited to meet Tylerrrrr.
ALSO THE FAM NAME HAS BEEN CHOSEN WE ARE NOW
'THE HOES WITHOUT A CAUSE'
Big thank you to the hoe we love who came up with the name, GoodThingsBadThings
Thank you love!
See you soon loves~
~your bean, kam