"It's amazing how words can do that, just shred your insides apart. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me - such bullshit."
—Lauren Oliver, Delirium
I pulled away from Brian's touch when he moved to wipe my tears again. Closing my eyes, I counted to ten. I was about to lose my shit. "Tell me something, Brian. Did you fall for her while we were still together?"
He hesitated, his mouth forming a silent 'oh' before he clamped it shut and swallowed. I frowned and snapped my fingers at him. When he dropped his gaze to the floor, I almost punched him.
"The fuck is wrong with you? Did you cheat on me with my sister?"
A heavy silence filled the room. I did not need silence, I needed answers.
"Tay," he said, slowly raising his gaze to find mine. "I didn't mean—"
I rose to my feet as a humorless laugh bubbled inside me. "So, let me get this straight, you came here with the intention of blaming me for your decision to leave and hoped that I'd be empathetic because you claim that Katie loves you more than I ever did, although you were hooking up with her behind my back the entire time."
He shook his head. "No. Tay, I never slept with her while I was with you."
"First of all, for the last fucking time, my name is Taylor and secondly, yes the fuck you did. You sure as hell didn't spend any time in my bed in those final months. Am I to assume that you were celibate?"
"It wasn't like that. Katie and I had a connection, one that I didn't feel with you."
It wasn't funny but I laughed. "So, once again, you came here to blame me when you were the one who had lost interest in the first place."
"I didn't—"
"And bringing the Jamie mess into it was the perfect cover. I've gotta hand it to you, that was pretty smart. You almost had me believing your bullshit."
"It wasn't—"
"You said that I loved you at my lowest and then I just didn't anymore, as if that made any sense."
"You—"
"What kind of person would I have to be to use you for your love and then pull away? You were no self esteem booster, Brian. I fucking loved you. I loved you even after the breakup and do you want to know how I know that I loved you? I know this because losing you nearly killed me!" I wanted to wring his neck. "How could you even think that you could transfer your guilt onto me and I'd let it go? How stupid are you?"
"That wasn't my intention. I just wanted you to realize that it wasn't entirely my fault. You played a part in our breakup too, Taylor. You—"
"Spent countless nights sitting by the phone, crying my heart out because you didn't call me all day and wouldn't take my calls and I had no idea why you were acting that way," I finished for him. "You might want to find another reason for leaving and this time, how about you try telling the truth."
"That is the truth. I didn't think that you cared as much anymore—"
"You're starting to annoy me." I narrowed my eyes at him as a less than wholesome idea came to me. "I'll make you a deal."
"Um."
"Either you tell me the truth or I'll make it my duty to attend both your engagement party and wedding."
He looked confused and I didn't blame him. He probably thought that I wasn't making any sense because he wanted me there anyway. Idiot.
I smiled. "And when the time comes to give a toast, I'll be sure to let everyone know that you are a lying, cheating, scumbag who most definitely deserves my sister, because she's just like you. I might even hijack a billboard in your honor."
He mulled it over, getting up from his place to walk over and stand by the window. "Look, Taylor," he said, turning to face me. I motioned for him to get on with it. "We didn't mean for any of this to hurt you—"
"No," I said, interrupting him once more. "I want to hear your truth. None of this we business. Take responsibility for your actions, I'll deal with your fiancée later. Go on."
He sighed. "Fine. I wasn't happy with you. We weren't compatible, we never were, but I was so taken by you when we first met that I missed the signs. It was wrong for me to continually string you along when I knew that my heart wasn't in it anymore."
I scoffed. "You think?"
"This is hard enough without your constant interruptions." He stared at me pointedly and I scowled. "I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that I was no longer in love with you. The minute that I realized, I should have fessed up. I owed it to you to say something instead of falling for someone else. But, Taylor, I swear to you, I never meant to fall in love with her. It just happened. One night we were just hanging out and then one thing led to another and—"
"Hold it." I put my hand in the air to silence him. "What is the one thing that led to another? I hear people say that a lot, but what does it mean? Did it start with a kiss? A look? Was it something that she said?"
He shrugged and I wanted to hit him.
"It was everything." He winced at the look on my face. "I'm sorry." I nodded and he continued, "I knew from our first conversation that she was the one. I just didn't have the balls to leave you then and I should have. I should've left two years ago."
I gasped. "Two years, Brian? You strung me along for two fucking years because you didn't have the balls to leave? Are you fucking kidding me?"
"I'm sorry!"
"I don't want an apology, you son of a bitch!" I pinched the bridge of my nose and took slow, even breaths. "Just... is that all?"
"It wasn't just the physical aspect. It's everything. She gets me, Tay."
"Good for you."
He started towards me and I stepped back. "Look, I didn't come here to hurt you. It's just... these things are never easy."
I crossed my arms, my heart thumping in my chest. I was beyond angry, but I wasn't going to yell anymore and I wasn't going to cry. I was just... done. "Thank you."
"What?"
"You can go now."
"Tay—"
"Get out of here, Brian. Your five minutes are long up."
"Tayl—"
I walked to the door and held it open for him. "Please, let this be the last time that you bother me."
He stepped out and turned back to say something but I was already shutting the door. "I'm sorry," he said as it closed.
I took shaky breaths, clutching my stomach. There was a certain finality about him leaving and I was grateful. As much as I hadn't wanted to hear it, I was glad that he hadn't backed down. In a way, it was like he had set me free.
I made a cup of tea and sat on the sofa, taking small sips and thinking about the last few months. I hadn't realized how draining it was to spend so much effort on hating Brian and resenting my family, but here I was, physically and mentally exhausted. I'd stretched my emotions as far as they would go and now I was just done.
I didn't even want to have a conversation with Katie. It would only lead to yelling and crying but, tired as I was, I was going to have to deal with it. Not right then though.
I jumped to my feet when the doorbell rang and sprinted the short distance to the door, hoping that this time it would be Nathan.
I was right.
Stepping aside to let him in, I felt my eyes fill. I blew out a breath and tried to smile through my tears when he turned to me. His smile faltered, and he immediately took me in his arms.
"Not a happy birthday?" I shook my head, burying my face deeper. "Want to talk about it?" I nodded. I did want to talk about it, but first I wanted to cry, although I'd promised that I was done crying.
He led me to the couch and I curled up beside him, letting him envelope me. I breathed him in. He smelled like he hadn't yet showered, and it was my favorite scent thus far. Stroking my hair, he took my hand in his and gently squeezed.
"Brian was just here," I said in between sobs. "And I think that I'm finally free."
"No more wondering?"
I shook my head. "He stopped loving me a long time ago." I laughed then. "How could he string me along just to save face?"
Nathan sighed, kissing the side of my head. "I can't even imagine anyone not loving you."
I laughed again. "Oh, that's easy. Just fall in love with someone else one year in and then stay for two more for absolutely no fucking reason."
"Fill me in?"
I pulled away and sat facing him. I cried several more times as I got him up to speed and when I was done talking, I was also done crying.
"Fuck him." He stroked my face, wiping away stray tears. "He never deserved you, you know."
I chuckled, leaning into his hand. "And you do?"
"I'm trying to."
I held his gaze and for the oddest reason, I didn't doubt him.
"I'm trying to be deserving of you, too." I wasn't trying as hard as I should've been, but I was still trying. I cherished the fact that I was able to seek comfort in him when it came to dealing with my past relationship. It should have been weird and made things tense but it wasn't and I was thankful for his friendship. Now, I needed to be a better everything to him, like he was to me.
"You are."
"Yeah?"
He trailed his finger over my lips and I parted it slightly, sucking in a breath when he smiled at me. Without giving it a second thought, I crawled onto his lap. He raised his brow but didn't say anything, waiting for me to make the next move. I bit my lips as I leaned forward to kiss him, not missing the way that his body tightened.
We made out like that for a few minutes until he flipped me over so that he was hovering above me. I laughed as he trailed kisses from the top of my head to the swell of my breasts and then back to my lips.
He broke the kiss and looked at me questioningly. I loved that he was asking my permission before going any further although technically, I'd started it. I gave him the green light and burst out laughing when he picked me up. I was near tears when we reached my bedroom where he gently deposited me onto the bed. "You sure about this?"
I nodded, reaching down to unzip my onesie. He placed his hand on mine and I let him do the rest.
"I got you something." Nathan untangled himself from me and hung awkwardly off the bed, trying to grab something from the floor.
I smacked his naked ass and laughed when he turned back to roll his eyes at me. He wasted a whole three seconds to do that.
He sat up straight and I did the same, not bothering to cover myself. I never got the point of doing that when the other person had already seen you naked mere minutes before, but then again, I wasn't exactly shy about my body.
"Happy Birthday," he said softly while holding out a tiny black box.
"You got me jewelry before I even slept with you?"
He didn't laugh. "What kind of guys were in your life before?"
"It's called a joke," I teased as I took the box from him. "Thank you." I gingerly lifted the lid and gasped. It was a simple silver bracelet that was adorned with tiny diamonds, and it was already my favorite thing. I smiled at him, willing myself not to tear up. Looking up, I said, "you didn't have to."
"Yes, I did."
Now, I teared up. "Thank you."
He kissed me softly and I leaned my forehead against his, matching his slow, even breaths. "I love you," he whispered. I gasped but didn't pull away. I felt like I was frozen. "You don't have to say it back. I just wanted you to know that I do."
I nodded and swallowed. "I'm getting there, too." It was the truth. I cared a lot for him, but I didn't love him. Not yet. I could, now that I was finally at peace with the breakup, but it would take time.
"Let me make you breakfast?"
I chuckled as my heart-rate returned to its normal pace. "I love breakfast at noon."
While Nathan made us breakfast, I took another shower and got dressed in actual clothes. I'd just pulled on a neon-pink sweatshirt when there was a knock on the door. "Mhmm," I said, pulling on a pair of skin tight black jeggings .
"Phone," Nathan called.
I opened the door and kissed him just because I could and took my cell from him. Something had shifted in our relationship and I was totally okay with it. "Can I call you my boyfriend now?" I was only half joking.
"You can call me whatever you want," he said, leaning in for another kiss.
The phone buzzed in my hand reminding me that it was there, and I broke away. "Okay, boyfriend." I whistled as he walked away and then glanced at the phone screen. Katie's most hideous picture was smiling at me and I thought about just tossing the entire thing in the trash. "Yeah," I answered sullenly which contrasted with how happy I was actually feeling.
She sighed on the other line. "Happy Birthday, Taylor. I trust that you're well?"
"As well as I can be after finding out that you were sleeping with Brian behind my back for two fucking years."
I heard her sharp intake of breath. "Tay, I know it sounds bad, but I honestly never meant to hurt you like this. You are my best friend and I love you the most in this world. Brian took me by surprise and I didn't expect to fall in love with him." I'd heard all of that so many times that it meant nothing now. I get that they fell in love and all is dandy for them, and yesterday I would've been shouting, "But, what about me?" Today, however, I was no longer held hostage by a failed relationship that was doomed from the very start and admitting that felt a thousand times better than my anger ever did. When I didn't respond, she continued. "Is this worth throwing away our relationship over?"
"It obviously is to you." Just because I wasn't angry didn't mean that I couldn't pull her legs for old times sake. I didn't want him and if they were soulmates or whatever then they could drown together for all I cared. Or get married. Whatever.
"I love him, Tay. I've never loved anyone the way that I love him."
"Gross."
"Do you hate me?"
A month ago, I would have said yes and cursed her out, but not now. I'd heard what I needed to be able to move on and there was nothing left to fight for.
"Taylor?"
"I'm here." I rubbed my eyes, wanting to hang up the phone but also wanting to appease her for whatever stupid reason. Maybe it was because she was my sister and I did love her or maybe it was the fact that it was our birthday and I didn't want her to be hurt on our special day. Whatever it was, it was making me feel things and it was a weird place. "Katie, I don't hate you. I'm disappointed in you and I'm hurt, but I don't hate you."
I knew that she was crying because it was silent except for her quiet sniffles. "Can I see you?"
"Katie..." I was ready to turn her down, but she cut me off.
"Please, Tay. I only have one sister and I know that I've royally screwed our relationship up, but you're the only one that I've got, and I miss you so much."
I sighed. "Not today."
"That's fine." Her voice sounded perkier and I shook my head at her optimism. "I leave tonight for three days, but when I get back?"
"Maybe." I'd need to sleep on it and depending on the mood that I woke up in, we'd see.
"I really am so sorry, Taylor. I should have told you a long time ago. I didn't because I was just as much of a coward as Brian was and I didn't want to lose you. Now, I see that by keeping you in the dark, we've only hurt you even more and I am truly sorry."
"I don't want your apology. You did a fucked-up thing and you're going to have to carry that guilt with you for the rest of your life." That was enough of a punishment for her. Brian, I'd like to see burn, but I knew that Katie's guilt would destroy her and that was enough for now.
"I know. I'd carry it for a thousand lifetimes if it meant that I could have you back in just one of them."
I smiled despite the gloominess of the situation. "You can't." I didn't want to prolong the conversation any longer and give her hope that we could somehow talk our way past the hurt. "Happy Birthday, Katie," I said before hanging up.
I plugged my phone in and headed to the kitchen. I put my arms around Nathan and held on to him. We hadn't discussed him saying that he loved me, and I was terrified that if we did, he'd take it back. After everything that had gone down, hearing him say that, as unexpected as it was, didn't make me want to run for the hills.
I followed him into the living room with my arms still wrapped around his torso. I was living for our newfound relationship. I pouted when he disentangled my arms so that he could put on some music but was soon laughing when the first song came on and he came back to me.
He held out his arms and with a smile, asked me to dance. I was still laughing but I managed a nod. It was laughter caused by happiness. It was giddy and innocent.
"You're as smooth as Tennessee whiskey. You're as sweet as strawberry wine," he sang in my ear as we danced around the room. I placed my head on his chest as we moved and held his hand a little tighter. "You're as warm as a glass of brandy and honey I stay strong on your love all the time." Tears slipped out and I sniffled. I was back to holding onto him and we were just swaying from side to side.
"You're the best present ever," I whispered to him. "Thank you for being the best part of my day."
"Thank you for letting me."
I wiped my tears. Looking up at him, I said, "we need to talk."
I held onto his hand as we sat on the couch. It obviously wasn't a breakup kind of talk. I just needed to clear up a few things.
"Is this about the love stuff? Because I'm standing by it."
"Kind of." I made swirls in the palm of his hand with my fingers. "I don't want you to ever feel like you're giving more than you're receiving. If we're going to be together, I'd like for us to be equal. I don't want this to go down the same route as my last relationship."
Although I knew that almost everything that Brian had said was complete and utter crap, I was still scared.
"Okay." He took both my hands in his and kissed them. "I'm not your douche of an ex. I know a good woman when I see one."
I laughed, pulling my hands away and standing. "Dude, trust me, I'm a terrible woman."
He shrugged. "I can live with it."
I held out my hand to him. "Breakfast?"