Chapter 27-
"I was raped last summer."
There was no going back now. I squeezed my eyes shut and leaned against the wall. I don't want to see his reaction yet. I'm scared to death. Before he can say anything, I quickly continued.
"I didn't want to tell you. Or anyone for that matter because it's disgusting. I'm disgusting. I'm useless and good for nothing. I'm nothing but a toy now to those two guys! A piece of trash. I don't even know why someone like you would like someone like me. Look at you and look at me. You're beautiful. All the girls at school are all smart and beautiful and they know how to cook and they're so talented and just perfect. The old innocent Reina is used and shy and isn't good with anything but hiding!" I stopped and caught my breath trying to calm myself, "You deserve someone much better than me. If you think this...we...can ever be together then you're wrong. You don't deserve a girl who has scars all over her body, taunted with a rape story."
I clenched my hands into a fist.
That was it. I told him everything and that was the sign. That was his cue to leave. All he had to do was just take five steps and he was out the house.
Out of my life.
No matter how much I tell myself I can handle the hurt, I know that I can't. I was never prepared for something as big as this. If he leaves, I won't blame him. It's a lot to take in. It's a lot to handle.
My dad couldn't stay so what makes me think that Calvin would as well?
I wasn't ever properly prepared for something as big as this. Why would he ever, in his right mind, want to be friends with, let alone, be in a relationship with a girl who was mentally and physically scarred?
I don't think Joshua or Megan could handle something like this either.
I didn't deserve any of them. All this time all I had been doing was lying because I was ashamed of myself and ashamed of what had happened to me. Too ashamed to ask for help.
It felt like we were in the room for hours before Calvin got up from the bed. I heard it squeaked but I kept my eyes shut afraid to see his back as he leaves for good. But I felt his presence right in front of me. I felt the heat radiating from his skin and I opened my eyes slowly.
Calvin slowly took my arm and intertwined one of his hands with mine while he pushed my sleeves upper as he examined my scars again but this time, the lights were all on so he can see it clearly. I don't flinch or move away, I let him feel them. Every single one.
"I think you're beautiful just the way you are," he finally whispered. I felt him staring at me but I didn't look up. Just hearing him say that made me want to break down.
"One day you'll leave me. You don't want a girl with a rape story," I said as I desperately tried to stop my sob and hiccups and pushed him away lightly, "You deserve someone who is prettier and more stable than me," I whispered, refusing to look at him. He held my arms tightly as if I would disappear if he let me go.
"Mon ange" he whispered holding my tear stained face.
I finally decided to look at him rather than the floor and my breath shortened as I met his intense gaze. He wiped my face with this thumbs.
"I don't want a girl who's perfect or prettier," he said, "because I want you."
Before I can reacted, he pressed his lips against mine softly like I would break at any moment. My eyes go wide but I closed my eyes after a few seconds and kissed him back sending wild tremors down my spine. The air around was faint.
Calvin Young was kissing me.
The girl who was a mess. The girl who was imperfect. The girl who was raped last summer.
"No," I softly pushed him away before he tried to deepen the kiss. As much I want it happen, I couldn't. "You can't want me," I whispered.
How can anyone want me?
"What's wrong with wanting you?" Calvin pushed back putting me on the edge of exploding as he pushed me until I was lying down, him on top of me.
"Don't you fucking see? I'm useless! Someone as strong as you don't need girls as messed up as me!" At this point I'm yelling, not caring if whether I woke up London or not. I don't know where the sudden burst of anger came from but it was taking over quickly. He deserved so much more than what I can offer and here he is standing in front of me claiming he wanted only me.
"Everyone leaves me at the end once they find out my past. I don't want you to realize how messed up I am later on and leave when I can just tell you now and save you the trouble. I'm...I'm not the innocent girl who you knew for three years when you hung out with Joshua. I don't like myself. I hate myself and what happened to me afterwards. I hate fearing people whenever I go out by myself. I hate having to wake up each night because of my nightmares. I hate how I caused my parent's divorce and because of me London is now pregnant. I'm a walking disaster. You can't want me. I don't want you. Please. Calvin," I whispered his name softly, begging him to leave.
He stared at me for a few moment in silence after my confession.
"But if it's not you, I don't want anyone else," he finally said stubbornly looking me straight in the eyes.
Even after my whole confession he still wouldn't budge.
Stupid, stubborn Calvin.
I swallowed, looking away and I do the only thing I can do.
Lie.
"I don't want you like that Calvin. By the end of the night, we'll be nothing more than acquaintances."
"So you don't feel anything towards me? You only think of me as a friend?" he pressed on. I knew he wouldn't believe what I had to say but I couldn't give in.
I had to do it for both our sakes.
"I only started to talk to you only because you were blackmailing me. You were nothing more than just an acquaintance. We'll go back to ignoring each other after we do something about Erik," I explained, trying my hardest not to burst into tears again.
He sat down and I was still lying on the bed since he pinned me down just a while ago.
There was nothing more to say after this was there?
"So you don't feel a single thing for me?" he whispered, sounding heartbroken.
"No."
Lie..
My heart started beating when I said this because I, in fact, did feel something for him. I liked him more than anything. More than I even liked Paul.
Calvin got up and stood right in front of me making me lean further into the bed. He climbed over me again and pinned me down once more. He looked determined and it was freaking me out.
Just a little.
Why is he looking at me like that?
He's not reacting the way I wanted him too. I wanted him to leave. He should've been walking away not coming closer.
"I've noticed over the years that you are the only person who can have a whole 10 minute conversation with someone and stare right into their eyes without blinking or looking away. Unless you're lying. Reina, look me in the eyes and tell me the truth. Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want me. I know you're lying. This entire time you've been avoiding eye contact. I know you want me as badly as I want you. You don't want to let me in even though I'm not letting you go anywhere. I'm not going anywhere until you let me be there with you. I'm not giving up on you because you're all I want."
Before I can yell, scream, or do anything, he kissed me again. This time I don't resist. If possible, I pulled him closer to me and slid my fingers into his hair. It's so smooth and I loved how it felt against my hand. He wrapped one arm around my waist lifting me up and I wrapped my legs around his torso, pulling him closer to me.My whole body ignited and the kiss seemed indefinite. It feels so good to be near him his body pressed against mine. Every ounce of my body wanting more.
After a while, we both pull away.
Our breathing were ragged and I could feel his heart beating going just as fast as mine. I looked up at him and I saw him staring at me intently and I knew he isn't going anywhere. He had made up his mind wanting to stay with me no matter what happened. I was so used to people leaving me and having to defend myself.
But here is Calvin, looking more determined than ever to stay with someone like me.
"Say you need me as much as I need you Reina," he whispered again softly, his forehead resting against mine, "I won't leave unless you give us a chance. Please. Let me in. I'll try my best to help you and find those fucking people who did this to you. I swear on my life."
Just like that, Calvin had me in his lap, cradling me while I silently sobbed. I didn't know how long I was crying. Crying before I was fucked up. Crying because my sister was pregnant. Crying for my parents.
But most of all, crying because for the first time I am relieved to have someone accept despite my past. My troubled life didn't trouble them.
And just like that I felt like I was home for once in what seems like forever. Who would have thought that one person was enough to make me feel so happy and relieved all at once?
We are two inevitable tragedies that somehow ended up together. Maybe it was pure luck I found him and he found me at the time we did. Any sooner would have been pointless but any later would have been too late. Whether it was by fate, by God or just time, it didn't matter.
I was happy he accepted me for me and didn't give up when I tried my hardest to get him away from me.
Calvin continued to hold me tightly while I cry.
He doesn't say much but he whispered sweet nothingness till I am lulled to sleep by his voice.
I was home.
----- ----- -----
"Reina? I'm off to school!"
There was a small knock on the door, waking me up the next morning. With my eyes still closed, I groaned an okay loud enough for London to hear. I heard her walking down the stairs and slamming the door behind her loudly as I opened one eye to look at the clock.
6:35 A.M.
Yesterday was just...how do I even put it?
Hectic?
Possibly one of the worst and the best night ever packed into one?
Something along those lines.
Calvin was on the other side of the bed, his arms still holding onto my waist rather tightly. I giggled at the sight.
Then it hit me.
Holy crap...I told Calvin Young everything about me.
From the incident to the fact that he admitted that he actually felt something towards me even though I confessed I felt nothing.
And to top it off, I cried in front of him.
I slowly tried to pry his arms off of me but I failed miserably. He had a death grip on me since I fell asleep on him yesterday. My eyes are still stinging from crying myself to sleep while he held me.
"Calvin," I mumbled as I pushed his arms away from me.
"Five more minutes," he groaned burying his head in my pillow.
He was not a morning person.
At all.
"We have to get ready for school," I explained as he groaned even louder but doesn't protest as he finally loosened his grip on me.
"How are you feeling?" Calvin asked staring at me with one eye open. Half with worry and half with relief to see me in one piece after what had happened a few hours ago.
"I'm fine."
There is an awkward silence followed after that. How was I suppose to face him after I confessed everything to him? And we kissed twice. Do I pretend nothing happened between us? What are we?
"Do you want me to make you some breakfast? Hot chocolate?" he persisted.
"Yeah...that'll be nice. Thank you," I said as he rolled over me in order to get off the bed, making me glare at him when he chuckled.
"Relax, I made sure I didn't put all my weight on you. Get ready," he said, bending down to give me a little peck on the cheek once more before disappearing.
Ohmygosh. I know right away I was full on blushing.
So...that means we're...official?
I couldn't wipe the small grin that was on my face. Even though he figured out something as big as that, he was still with me.
I slowly started to get ready, brushing my teeth and throwing a hoodie over my long sleeve shirt and jeans before making my way downstairs to see Calvin with two cups on the tables already prepared.
"I'm making some eggs and sausages. Should be done soon," Calvin said as he flipped over the scrambled eggs making my mouth water.
"You really didn't need to do this for me," I insisted.
"It's the least I can do. You still have bags under your eyes. Do you want Starbucks?" he raised an eyebrow when he examined my face.
"Your hot chocolate is enough to wake me up. Is this Nutella?" I asked, taking another sip.
He nodded his head, "I melted it and added some milk as well. Does it taste good?"
"Really good actually," I gave him a small smile as I continued to take another sip.
"So..." he said after he neatly transfers the eggs and sausages to the plates and sets it in front of me.
"Hm?" I tilted my head and stared at him as he bends over until we're eye to eye.
"About last night..." he trailed off and my heart races.
"W-What about last night?" I questioned, now playing with the hem of my hoodie and looking at the floor.
What about last night? My heart races, thinking the worst of the worst.
Was he considering that we should just be friends after it finally sank in that I was nothing?
"I think...that we should you know, give it a try," he said awkwardly the last part quickly and looked away, he almost seemed like he was...embarrassed.
"It?" I was confused now as I stared at him.
"Being a couple," he mumbled a small hint of pink forming on this cheeks.
"My, my. Are you blushing?" I chuckled, "Are you afraid to ask me out, Calvin Young?"
"After what happened between you and me last night. I don't think I'll even let you say no to me," he said honestly with a small smile.
"But I'm covered in scars," I pointed out, now pulling up the sleeves to show him. It was the first time in a while since I showed it to someone so willingly. He takes them and kisses them without even flinching.
"They're battle scars. They prove how much you've been through and how strong you are," he persisted while looking at them proudly on how strong and brave I am up to this point.
"I'm bad at cooking," I gave a small smile, recalling what I said yesterday.
"I don't mind cooking for you for the rest of my life," he replied quickly.
"I'm a walking mess."
"You're my beautiful walking mess. So, Reina Calverly, will you be my girlfriend?"
I chuckled, "And if I say no?"
"I'm dragging you back into your room and locking you in there until you agree," he grinned back in return.
"Then yes."
Just like that, I felt like I was on top of the world as he wrapped his arms around my waist and gives me another kiss.
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Reasons to Live: 27. "You're the only person living the true story of your life. You're the only person who can see the way you see, feel the way you feel."