"I'm ready to forget it, all of it," I told Jesse on the way home. It had been complete silence since we left the hospital.
"I'm going to make you dinner tonight," He replied.
I laughed, "You can barely see."
"It's okay."
I laughed again and wrapped my fingers in his.
I was about to turn down our street when I fell completely nauseous. I slammed on the brakes, opened my door, and puked out the side.
"Holy shit," Jesse said, "are you okay?"
"Yeah," I said coming up for a breath. A thought came over me. Dear God, what I pregnant? I couldn't be. Not now. Not in the midst of all this crazy shit.
"Do you want me to drive?" Jesse offered.
"I think I'm better off driving than you," I replied.
I pulled into the driveway and said, "I help you get inside, then I have to make a quick run to CVS. The doctor said to get you some ice packs."
"Okay, thanks for taking care of me... I'm really sorry about all this shit. I want to get out of this, but I can't right now."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. Let's just focus on getting you better right now."
***
My hands shook as I picked up a First Response pregnancy test from the feminine hygiene isle. I couldn't stress this enough. I just wanted to get it over with. Before I left, I grabbed a couple ice packs so I wasn't completely lying about coming here.
"Planned or unplanned?" The cashier asked me as she rang up my test.
"Very, very unplanned," I chuckled.
"Well good luck with whatever the test says," she smiled and handed me my receipt.
"Thanks." I fake smiled.
I've done a lot of crying the passed few days, so I sucked up my tears and headed home.
What would Jesse think? Would he pick me up by waist and spin me in a circle with a huge smile on his face? Or would he cuss and yell and call an adoption agency?
I'm not even going to think about it now. I'm just going to see what the test says. I started to feel sick again on the way home, but I think it was just because I was nervous.
I pulled in the driveway and just sat there for a minute, thinking about the future. Everything would change. I just wanted a little longer to myself with Jesse before we had a family.
I finally got out of the car and slowly walked up to the house. I took a deep breath and unlocked the door.
"Hey, babe," Jesse smiled when I walked in. I swear his smile could always brighten my day.
"Hey," I said and slid onto the couch next to him. "Whatcha doing?"
"Watching Ice Road Truckers," he kissed me on the cheek.
I instantly felt better and put my face close to his. We touched noses and then went in for a deep kiss. He lied me down on the couch and crawled on top of me, pinning me down by my wrists.
"Are you sure you're okay?" I asked. "You're in not pain?"
"I'll get over it," he said and started kissing me again.
***
"I'll be right back," I said and crawled out of bed where Jesse had been staring at each other for twenty minutes.
I went to the bathroom downstairs, grabbing the bag from CVS.
I fiddled with the pregnancy test box and quickly did it before Jesse thought I was doing more than peeing...
"Wait three minutes" is what the directions said as the final step of the process.
I turned away from the sink and counted to 180 before turning back around.
One line. One.
"Thank God," I exhaled. I wrapped the test in toilet paper before discarding it in the trash.
I stepped up the stairs and went to the guest bedroom where Jesse lied under the white sheets with his eyes closed.
"Jesse?" I whispered.
"Yeah?" He kept his eyes closed.
"This morning, I was afraid, that since I got sick on the way home, that I was pregnant."
His eye he could open immediately shot open.
"What? Did you take a test?" He seemed worried.
"Yeah..."
"And?"
"It was negative."
He sighed, "Good."
"What if it had been positive?" I questioned.
He looked at me in the eyes, "I'd be really happy, Hanna. But you know this isn't the best time, exactly. You know that eventually that's the plan."
"Yeah, I know." I kept quiet for a second. "I almost snorted meth yesterday."
"What?" Jesse stood up. "Are you kidding me, yo?"
"No. You were missing. I was stupid. I stopped myself, thank God."
"You know how addictive that shit is. I'm lucky I went to rehab when I did. Jesus, what if you had been pregnant?"
"I, uh-, I don't know." I stammered.
"If you ever think about doing that again, tell me," he demanded.
I nodded quickly and climbed back in bed where I drifted off to sleep...