[ a u t h o r ' s n o t e ] : first of all, OMG! i am sooo sorry for not updating for seven months (yes, seven months). one of my excuses is that i had no inspiration at all to continue writing Operation Pucker Up, but after reading some comments a few of you left on the last chapter and on my message board to update, i did :) also, i decided that this should be a chapter so anyways, here is chaper six of Operation Pucker Up!
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》CHAPTER SIX // ℓιρℓσcкιηg 101
"Okay... so maybe I lied a bit." Stella said, wringing her auburn brown ringlets, smiling sheepishly as I glared at from where I was still sitting after the whole phone feud. The day wasn't over yet, and I was awaiting the dreaful arrival of Stella's apparently hot neighbour, Hayden Wilde.
"Oh, please, Stella. You say that like it's not a normal thing." I said, smiling sweetly at her as she innocently flipped me the finger. Despite the current situation, I laughed out loud. "But anyways," I continued. "Enlighten me."
Stella rolled her eyes and strolled over to where her bagpack was, laying on her bed. She zipped it open, spilled a bit of the bag's contents onto its bed and grabbed something that rolled out. She turned towards me, her eyes gleaming mischievously. "Okay... so like I said before you rudely interrupted me-" I shot her a sweet smile to which she rolled her eyes "-so we're not exactly going to ditch the potato."
I groaned, already annoyed with the change of plans, yet also relieved that I didn't have to sit on a stranger's lap and seduce him (or so Stella pointed out earlier). "So what now?" I asked, sarcasm lacing my tone. "Are you gonna get me to make out with the potato? And then bring Hayden over so I can sit on his lap and watch him get a boner? Because no thank you-"
"No!" Stella said, laughing. She dropped the potato in my lap. "I am going to teach you how to kiss."
I laughed at that. "You make that sound so casual, like it's a normal thing for you to be teaching someone how to kiss using a potato."
Stella shrugged. "Please, it's not my first time."
"Really?"
"Really." Well okay. That was perfectly normal. Note the sarcasm.
Stella grinned. "So are you ready?"
I couldn't even care less anymore. I shrugged. "Fine. Whatever. Let's go and get this done with so I can lose my lip virginity to Zack tomorrow, even though I also thought I'd give my first kiss to someone special at a special time at a special place; not to my best friend, straight tomorrow with no preparation and at stupid high school. So all those disney princesses get their happy ending and I don't?"
Stella rolled her eyes and said, "Oh please, Dani. You make it sound like losing your lip virginity to Zack is basically the definition of Armaggedon."
"That's because it basically is," I deadpanned.
To which Stella was intelligent enough to ignore. "Okay, enough with the sad talk, let's get to the potato makeout sessions!"
I groaned at Stella's use of words to what we were doing right now, and wanted more than nothing to just stomp right out of their house, walk all the way to my own home and just lay in bed under my covers. And maybe sleep for 100 years like Aurora did and wait for my own Prince to come. But Stella obviously wasn't going to have it.
She grabbed my arm and hauled me out of the comfy beanbag I was recently residing in. She handed me the dreaded potato and grinned. "Okay so let's start Liplocking 101." She paced back and forth in front of me while I stared at the potato which I was soon to kiss.
"Okay, so before you start any of the liplocking, you need to make sure you don't come on too strong and unexpected. You need to make sure that you just don't make a lunge for their lips without warning, because that could result awkwardly." She paused. "So in this case, you need to initiate the kiss. Drop some subtle hints that you're interested, and show some signs that you're heading in for a kiss without coming right out and saying it out loud."
I was actually listening and concentrating to every word she was saying- I mean, I didn't exactly want my first kiss to turn out horribly, even if it was to Zack Calvert.
"Here's how to communicate romantically and subtly without making it too obvious that you're going to make a lunge for their lips- try looking briefly at their lips, but make sure that you get caught while you're doing it so they have some sort of an idea. Make your mouth look appealing- use chapstick or lipstick to smooth over flaky lips. But trust me when I say this- do not use any lip gloss when trying to kiss someone."
I frowned, "Why not?"
Stella flipped her hair over her shoulders. "I've overheard way too many guys complaining about having to kiss goopy lips." I nodded understandably.
"But anyways- back to the lessons. Make sure you keep your breath fresh with mints or spray, although make sure to avoid gum as you might have to spit it out awkwardly if the other person leans in for a kiss."
I should be taking notes! Who knew kissing was so much trouble? I thought it was just a simple lip to lip action, with the occasional fireworks, of course, and the whole world spinning, and let's not forget the butterflies.
Stella continued, "Okay, so in usual ocassions, you would set the mood with a romantic compliment. So, let's say you approache Zack in all his glory, and you've already done all you can and dropped the hints and all that, you've gotta pull out more stuff outta the hat." To which I rose an eyebrow confusedly.
Stella grinned at my confused face. "So go big and pay the other person, which in this case would be Zack-" I grimaced at the sound of my best friend's name-"and pay him the most sincerest and most genuine compliment you can think of. If you get it right, the other person might actually take the lead and kiss you."
"Which most probably won't be happening," I corrected earnestly, giving her a look as she rolled her eyes at me.
She placed her hands on her hips. "Okay, now will you please stop interrupting?" She sighed in utter frustration at my mock salute but continued on anyways with her 'liplocking 101' lessons.
"So anyways- where were we?" She didn't wait for my reply as she continued. "In most cases, you would compliment the other. So maybe, for example, let's say, you go up to Zack. Of course you say your polite greetings-" a statement to which I snorted at, which of course, received yet another disapproving look from Stella "-and then after all the formality and such, and all the hint dropping maybe go right in and drop the big guns."
Stella had a faraway look in her eyes, which I would be lying if I said I wasn't freaked out a tiny bit. "Maybe you could compliment him on his clothes, or you know, his facial features." Her eyes brightened. "Like you so blatantly admitted a few days ago in the cafeteria, maybe you could compliment his dimple, which you oh so love. Or, you know, those green beautiful eyes."
My jaw dropped open. "I did not admit anything like that at all!"
Stella stared at me with a dead expression on my face. "Yeah, okay, so let's forget the fact that you actually didn't admit just that, but also the fact that he was the idea of your perfect guy...?"
I looked away, biting my lip. Stella Everley was right- but hell no was I going to admit that out loud. Who knew what that would do to her ego? She continued staring me down until I sighed, giving up and feeling pressured under her patronizing gaze. "Okay, okay. So what? I describe someone as my "perfect guy" as someone who apparently sounds exactly like Zack. You'd be surprised."
Stella groaned. "Okay- it doesn't matter. You're in denial, and you know it."
My jaw dropped to the ground. "I am not in denial!" I protested.
Stella grinned. "Puhlease. With you, De Nile isn't just a river." She singsonged, winking and somehow managing to piss me off even further. When she saw me start to sit up from where I was sitting with my fists curled, she backed off, her hands in the air as a gesture of surrender. "Okay, okay, I'll stop- but only if you pay attention to the lessons."
I sighed and rolled my eyes for the upteenth time. "Okay fine," I sighed, gesturing for her to continue.
She smiled triumphantly. "Okay, so after you've complimented his eyes, or his dimples, or his, uh, non-existant abs-" I snickered "-that's when you start the liplocking." She paused. "You should seriously start taking notes from now because kissing is just a simple lip-to-lip action," she stated, practically voicing out what I thought exactly.
I grabbed a pen and noteback from her bagpack clutter.
"Don't waste any time- don't even wait for his permission. Just close your eyes, lean in, pucker up, and start smoochin'."
I raised an eyebrow. "That's it? 'Close my eyes, lean in, pucker up, and smooch?'" I recited, saying every word and writing it down.
Stella shrugged. "I guess I should probably take that motion step by step." I nodded, rolling my eyes. "Okay so- always make sure you have your eyes shut when you lean in, because if you don't while you're moving in towards his lips, you're going to end up looking like a cross-eyed retard."
I noted it down.
"When you're kissing, usually you don't want your hands just hanging beside you, because then the kiss won't have passion, and a kiss without passion is like a drink without a cup." Stella stated, "For girls, their hands are either behind the neck, or on the man's shoulders.
"For guys, they usually wrap their arms around your waist, or if they're feelin' rather humpty-dumpty, they will let their hands travel to your ass. And when they do, girl, stop the kiss and knee them right where the sun don't shine. Got it?"
"Got it." I muttered, scribbling furiously into Stella's notebook. Kissing sounded like a ton of work! After about half an hour of kissing advice, well, it was time for the 'potato makeout session' as it had been unfortunately and humiliatingly come to know.
Stella walked over to me sitting on her beanbag and grabbed the notebook on my lap with all the advice she had given me on liplocking. After skimming through it, she handed it back to me with a nod. "One more thing," she said, "Underneath all the rest, in big capitals, write down the most important rule of all in kissing."
I grabbed my pencil from the floor.
"Focus on the feelings."
I felt a frown forming between my eyebrows so I looked up at Stella, who was staring at me intently. I glanced down one more at the statement I had written in capitals, just as she had instructed. "Feelings?" I asked, my voice laced with confusion.
"Feelings." Stella repeated. "Like, per se, if you're thinking about how bad the kiss is gonna be, or how horrible it is kissing your best friend - then boom. Your first kiss? Probably gonna be your last, considering how much of a catastrophe it will end up being."
I shuddered, copying down what she said. "This is still so weird. It'll be like, kissing my... dad."
Stella rolled her eyes and sighed in exasperation. "See what I'm talking about!? Your puny little brain is filled with negative thoughts! When your lips touch, I want you to be thinking: I'm making out with my best friend and that's a good thing. Instead of: I'm making out with my dad and for some reason, it's sexy. Okay?"
I couldn't help the shudder that ran through my body. "Okay."
"Oh! And don't forget to just keep breathing! My cousin once told me that when she was making out with her boyfriend, she fainted because she wasn't breathing and not enough oxygen was reaching her brain."
I felt my nose scrunch up. Yeahhh, kissing sounded super fun. Fainting, and whatnot.
Stella smiled with satisfication. "Well, okay then. I guess that concludes my kissing lessons. Now pick up the potato and start showing me what you got!"
I grimaced and glared at Stella, picking up the potato hesitantly. "Why does karma hate me so much, Stell?" I grumbled.
She grinned. "Danielle, karma's a b*tch." She winked. "And that b*tch is me."
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Unedited
[ a u t h o r ' s n o t e ]
finally an update after seven months! well i have an excuse - y'all have no idea how frickin awkward it is to search up 'how to kiss' and then hastily deleting my history.
no.
never again.
amazing cover on the side made by the equally amazing pretence pretence