Elenor Ann-Marie Denley died at 10:31 a.m. on January 13th, 2018.
I was there, holding her hand and talking to her, when she finally passed and left this world. This fact left me scarred and stunned, and all I wanted to do after this happened was lay in bed all day in silent, mourning the loss of my mother.
We had sent her body off to be cremated, just as she had asked before the died, and they told us that we would have her ashes by the last day that Alex and I would be in Florida. We planned to have a mini funeral with just the family members that are here currently, and spread her ashes outside in our back yard in her beloved garden. My mother requested that we do this when she died, because her garden was her most prized possession and favorite thing ever, and she wanted to stay with it even when she was dead.
So now, the day after the died, I lay in bed with Alex, just silently spooning with him, too sad and tired to say anything.
Alex did his best to comfort me and hold me close to him since she passed, and he did do a very good job at it. However, there isn't much you can do when someone looses someone that close to them besides let them carry out their grieving process.
Mine, however, was just wanting to be held close, crying every once in a while, and eating to cover up my feelings. Currently I was just laying with Alex with a bag of chips in front of me in my reach, putting a few chips into my mouth every once in a while.
We have been cuddling together since we came home yesterday, not leaving each other once. We fell asleep in each other's arms and woke up still tangled together.
As I lay down with my back pressed against Alex's chest and his arms wrapped around me, holding close, I finally decide to break the hours long silence.
"My mom thinks-thought- that we are going to get married," I tell him, my voice coming out sounding deep and tired.
"Really?" Alex mumbles into my hair.
"Yeah. Do think so too? That we're going to get married?" I ask him, not caring if the answer wasn't the one that I wanted. I was already sad enough as it was, and one more thing to make me upset wouldn't do much more.
"Yes, definitely. I sure hope so, because you're the first girl I've been in a serious relationship with since high school and by far the best relationship I've ever been in," Alex tells me, and I can hear the confidence in his voice. My heart jumps at his words, and I feel happiness run throughout all the veins in my body for the first time since before my mom died.
"Really?" I ask, turning around to face him.
Alex nods and smiles.
"Do you think so?" He asks me, his hands drawing shapes up and down my back.
"Yes, I really think so," I tell him and smile back.
Alex's grin widens at this, pressing a delicate kiss to my nose.
"She also thought that we are going to have kids together. Do you think so too?" I ask him, my hand moving from being limp at my side to holding Alex's torso closer to me.
Alex nods. "Of course."
"How many?" I ask, smiling.
"Four or five," he answers with no hesitation.
"What are you trying to have? A basketball team?" I giggle.
Alex laughs a little at this.
"I just think that we'd made some beautiful babies and we should have a lot of tiny Alex's and Kota's running around the world someday," Alex says.
"I think we should have three or four. Definitely not five. I would die if I had to raise five kids, they'd be so much work," I say. "What names do you like?"
"I like the names Griffin and Chloe," Alex tells me.
"Those are actually way cuter than I expected them to be. I like the sakes Finn, Reese, and Eloise," I tell him. "You've given this some thought, huh?"
Alex nods. "Ever since we started dating. I imagined myself marrying you and starting s family, even if we never worked out and it didn't happen. I wouldn't have started a relationship with you if I didn't see a future with you," he informs me.
"Wow. I love you so much," I say, pressing my forehead against his.
"I love you too," he whispers. "Are you feeling a little better now?"
I nod my head. "Definitely."
"Good, you deserve all the happiness in the world," Alex says.
Suddenly, I begin to recall what my mother told my yesterday.
Never dwell on the past... And the thing I want you to remember most is to not grieve for me for long. I want you to be happy, and not mourn me and stop living for life just because I died. After I die, I want you to continue to be the happy, fun-loving girl you are and continue to live your life.
I finally realize that my mom wouldn't want me sulking for days in my bed, crying about her. She'd want me to be happy and continue to live my life, but still not forgetting about her. She knows how much I love her, and I don't need to grieve for days and days to prove it to her. She way that I should prove that I love her is to take her advice and continue living my life as if she never left. I know she'd want me to do that.
"Come on, Alex. Let's go somewhere," I suddenly suggest, sitting up and pulling Alex up with me.
"Really? We don't have to go anywhere if you're still upset and want to stay," Alex tells me, concerned.
I shake my head. "I want to go around town. I want to go and visit the one place that I used to go with my mom, and point out to you around the places of my childhood. My mom wouldn't want me sitting and grieving her, I know she'd rather me be up and happy and continuing to live my life. She'd rather me be doing this, and I would too," I say and get off the bed. I throw on one of Alex's hoodies over my T-shirt and some flip flops, and Alex and I make our way out of the door.
No one is currently downstairs except for the twins, who are napping together on the couch. We quietly tip toe around them and out the door.
Alex and I begin to walk on the sidewalk, me leading the way since I know where we're going.
"So where are we going first?" Alex asks me, putting his hand into mine.
"My mom's favorite cafe," I tell him.
It's a decently short walk to the cafe, and we pass multiple things from my childhood as we walk there. I point out a couple things to Alex, like the candy shop I used to stop at everyday with my friends, the donut shop I had my first date at, and the store I got my first job at.
Something about the way that Alex smiled at me and seemed intrigued by everything I was saying made my heart melt. If I wasn't already drowning in my love for this boy, I definitely was now.
"This is it," I say as we turn the last corner and reach the small, cozy cafe.
Alex opens the door for me, and I smile and thank him as we walk in together.
We walk up to the order counter, and take a look at the menus. However, it's a waste of time for me to look, because I already know exactly what I'm going to order. My mom and I always used to get the same thing whenever we'd come here, and I planned to get that.
When Alex finally decides, we both tell the person in front of us our orders.
"I'll have a black coffee and a toasted croissant," Alex tells them, and then lets me order.
"The vanilla bean brew and a chocolate chip muffin," I tell them, and my heart immediately aches for my mom when I hear the words come out of my mouth.
The cashier nods and puts our orders in and tells us that they'll call our names when our order is finished.
We wait patiently for a few moments while they make our food and coffees, and collect them when they all our names.
"Here, I have a specific booth I want to sit at," I tell Alex, and lead him to a two person booth in the back next to a big window. This booth was my moms favorite, and she'd insist that we sit at it whenever we came here and it was open. She loved being able to sit and chat with me while looking out the window and watching the people walking and just living.
"Hey, Kota. I know that now isn't really the best time, but I wanted to show you this picture I took," Alex tells me as I sip my hot coffee.
Alex hands his phone to me, showing me a picture that brings tears to my eyes. While I was laughing and talking to my mom the first day I arrived in Miami, Alex managed to sneak a picture of the two of us giggling and smiling together. I feel a tear fall down my cheek as I smile and look over the photo.
"I love you so much, Alex. Thank you for taking this, I really needed it. Can you send it to me?" I ask him, and he nods.
I quickly get a notification from my phone that I have a text from Alex, and I save the photo to my camera roll.
I decide then and there to post about my mom on my instagram, letting the fans know what's happening in my life. By posting this, I will explain why Alex and I have been MIA the past few days and why David drove us to the airport. I read through some tweets directed towards me on my Twitter, and I realized that everyone has concerned and worried about me, so it is time for me to give them an explanation.
So, I type out an entire paragraph and post the picture and explanation to my instagram. I notice as Alex's phone dings, and I smile as I realize he has my post notifications on. I watch as Alex likes my photo and reads through it, then looks at me.
"I'm so proud of you for doing this, Kota. I know it was probably hard for you," Alex says, reaching across the table to hold my hand.
"Thank you," I say, smiling.
I watch as he comments on my picture, and I wait a few more minutes before going back on to look over my post.
(This is not the real picture that I wanted you guys to imagine, because Kota does not look like this and has blonde hair, her mom is not this old, and it's not in the position I imagined. But it's the closest one I could find so I apologize)
Liked by ernst, daviddobrik, and 98,765 others
DakotaDenley: A couple days ago I got a call from my dad saying that my mom was dying. As soon as that happened, Alex and I flew all the way to Florida the next day so that I could catch my mom before she passes. Even though So was on her deathbed, she still managed to smile and laugh with me, as shown in this picture. She was always, by far, most joyful and happy person in my life. However, I only got to visit her for two days before she passed. She passed away yesterday morning, while I was with her, holding her hand. I was there beside her when it happened, and I was the only one there to witness her last words and final moments on Earth. If I have anything that I've gotten out of this traumatic experience, it would be to spend more time with your loved ones, and to not live in the past. I hadn't seen my mom for a year until two days ago, and I wish I had been able to spend more time with her before she went. However, I decided not to dwell on this fact, because before my mom died, she taught me some very important things. One of those things, as I mentioned before, is to not live in the past. This lesson has helped me find happiness again after her passing and stopped me from wasting my life grieving her when she wouldn't have wanted me to do that. I am sorry that I couldn't give you guys an explanation until after it happened, and I hope that you guys can forgive me. I wish you all good and happiness in life, and hope that you will be able to see it, too.
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Daviddobrik: I am so sorry for your loss, Dakota. I love you and miss you dearly, and cannot wait until you get home so I can give you a big, long hug ❤️
Ernst: I love you so much, my strong, beautiful girl. It's amazing how well you've powered through this and have been able to find happiness despite the sadness. Even though I'm literally right next to you right now, I just want to let you know how proud I am of you, and that I love you so, so much. Your mom was truly an amazing woman, as I luckily got to see before she died, and she's in a better place now 👼🏼❤️
Lizakoshy: So sorry for your loss, beautiful. I'm sure your mom was an amazing woman, and I'm saddened that I didn't get to meet her before she passed. Can't wait for you to come back home so I can give you a long, tight hug. See you soon, love u so much 💕
Tears brim my eyes as I continue to read more and more as the likes and comments keep flowing in, and I read the heartwarming messages from my friends like Scotty, Toddy, Jason, Zane, Kristen, Heath, and so, so many more. I smile, my heart full of love and happiness as I like and reply to the heartwarming comments.
"Hey, babe, you okay?" Alex asks, noticing the tears in my eyes.
"Yeah, I'm just really happy right now," I smile, putting my phone down and looking up at Alex.
"Good, you deserve it. I love you," Alex tells me.
"I love you too," I smile and squeeze his hand.