I was doing so well but then something had to go wrong. I was over everything my past had thrown at me. All my wounds had healed. I was happy. I had a boy who liked me! But life had to say no.
Yesterday I received a message. First were screenshots between me and Chris from months ago.
Unknown- its me
M- y r u texting me
U- bc they're onto me. don't text my other number. they can trace me
M- they know bout what happened?!
U- yes
M- am I going to get exposed?!
U- idk
M- shit. do not expose me
U- THEY KNOW MEERA. THEY KNOW THAT I KISSED U N VANESSA
M- HOW
U- they have evidence
M- do not get me in trouble. if u ever cared plz
U- IF I GO DOWN UR BOTH GOING DOWN. UR FRIENDS KNOW. JESSICA IS MAD
Wait. Why would she be mad? I texted Vanessa.
M- yo
V- im crying
M- but r u sure
V- I don't think its him
M- same. it doesn't sound like him. n y bring up Jessica
V- exactly. I think it's her
M- text his real number
V- I did n he was like hey
M- ha!
I had to go to temple so I quickly deleted all the messages. I hope no one texted me while my mom had my phone. That would be horrible. If she found out about the kiss...
The next day I texted Vanessa. And we figured out it wasn't Chris. Someone was messing with us. But I had to be sure. I texted some of my old friends individually to test them. Charlie was in on it. So was Jessica. But I wasn't 100% sure. I asked Vanessa for Chris's number because she was still in contact with him.
M- um is this Chris? its Meera
C- hey whats up
M- apparently u
C- u ok? wym
M- someone is texting me pretending to be u
C- wtf imma find out
M- ok
I felt better. Then I told Charlie.
M- its a fake number
C- what
M- I texted the real Chris. n the fake one sounds too angry to be the Chris ik
C- oh damn
M- its one of us
C- sadly
M- its not u or diya. yall r always there for me. y'all know my pain. its not Vanessa. she was just as confused. its not shelly. or allen or or anjana.
C- um
Next thing I know I'm in a group chat with Charlie and Diya.
C- we r so sorry
M- it was yall
D- yea me n Charlie gave Jessica the idea. she texted
M- ok
C- we r so sorry
M- I can't trust y'all. u knew I was depressed. u knew I was in a really bad place. u knew how taboo Chris was.
D- it was a prank!
M- ok. Do u know how many times these last two weeks I've felt alone? Do u know how many times I wished I was back at IMS bc I knew I could trust u guys to be there for me?
C- I'm sorry but I wasn't alone in this.
M- ik but u know how heartbroken I've been. Do you know how many times I wonder if ppl r really my friends bc they like me or bc they need me for something? You of all ppl Charlie.
C- don't act like it was just me
M- im not. next time try n think y someone isn't telling u something b4 u do what u did. next time just ask
C- every time we tried to ask u would say part but never whole
M- MAYBE I WAS SO HURT I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO VOCALIZE IT. MAYBE I NEEDED MY WOUNDS TO HEAL B4 I TOLD U GUYS.
C- I TOLD U IM SORRY
M- ok its ok
So now I can't trust my old friends. But I had more problems.
Chris- so how u doing
M- I can't trust my old friends, the ppl who meant everything to me
C- I'm here :)
M- thnx
We talked for a little bit. He found out about James. But he said if he wanted to steal me back he could. And it hurt me. I didn't want him back. Hell, I didn't even want to talk to him right now. but I was scared, and in need of a friend. James was at MMA. and no one else was responding. I hurt; I was scared, I felt like shit. I felt betrayed. Charlie of all people knew me. He knew I was having problems as it is. He knew I was depressed. I trusted him and Diya over almost anyone else. And they had to do this. They wanted to pull a prank. They wanted some drama. God this reminded of Steven all over again. He played me for entertainment.
Everything hurts. And I feel so alone. I need James to hug me and say it's ok. I need someone to tell me I'm not alone. I have always had trust issues. I've always been afraid people will betray me. But I put my heart and soul into my trust in my old friends. We grew up together at my old school.
James. Sarah. Will. Mina. Maybe Vanessa. They were the ones who were there for me. They supported me and loved me as much as my old friends, and I'd only known them for a year. But they were busy right now. I mean I talked to Sarah for a bit but I needed to talk to her face to face. (Cue Never Be Alone by Shawn Mendez again). But I was alone. so alone.
I closed my eyes. I thought about James, about the laughs I had with Sarah, about the jokes I shared with Mina. these were the people that wouldn't let go of me. They didn't need years to get used to me. They just connected to me.
And here I was thinking my old friends were the ones I knew I'd always depend on. I thought we were past the lies and schemes. But it'll never end.
Sometimes it's those closest to you who hurt you.
Was I overreacting? After all they were just playing a harmless prank. They didn't think of its effects on me. I mean they knew I never wanted to hear about Chris ever again. They knew he had hurt me. They knew I was terrified of my parents finding out. they knew I was really really hurt right now. But they hadn't thought of this. And I know I should've just forgiven them and moved on like Vanessa did. But that hurt.
Imagine receiving a message from someone who hurt you to a point where you felt like no one was worth your time, no one loved you, no one was trustworthy. And then your parents, who you are absolutely terrified of almost find out that you kissed someone whose way older than you. You're freaking out, worried that the person is being put in jail, you don't want to get caught, and just when the panic is at its worst you are told by the people who you trust with your soul that they were behind all of it.
It hurts. Even though they've apologized more than once. I've forgiven them even if I haven't told them yet. but it hurts so much. Those memories keep coming back, and adding on to my current hurt. I want to break down so badly. I want to go back to those big windows that looked over the entire neighborhood at school. I wanted James to hug me. I wanted the comfort that he brought me.
I wanted good times again. I wanted to go to school and complain about how I had too much homework. I wanted to meet James on the stairs. I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted people to go say how cute we were.
I guess even these moments travel back to him. It's really starting to get to me.