He kissed me slowly. My heart beat matched every movement of his lips. Languid but enough to shake me down to my deepest core.
His mouth left my mine, tracing kisses down to my jaw until he reached the side of my neck. My breath hitched. His lips began moving again and found the center of my chest.I felt myself arch to make it easier for him.
I felt his hands on my back, unclasping my bra in just a flash. I bit my lip at the anticipation. I couldn't find it in me to open my eyes. My breath hitched when he found the peak of my chest and took it in his mouth.
Lumipad ang mga kamay ko sa balikat niya at napakapit. His tongue played with my tip before going to the other globe and giving it the same treatment.
"Xavi," I gasped out when I felt his hand on my flesh.
I was immediately transported back to the present. The girl in front of me was pale white. Fear was evident in her tear-stained eyes.
That happened the night after their game. It was our second time and last. Almost three weeks ago. I started counting in my head. I always get my period within the second week of the month. It's already the third week and I'm... late.
Umikot ang paningin ko sa naisip. Nanghihina ang mga binti ko. Kumapit ako sa sink bilang suporta at dahan-dahan ibinaba ang sarili hanggang sa tuluyan akong mapaupo sa malamig na tiles.
Dark spots were clouding my vision. I feel like the room was closing in me. Hindi ako makahinga.
"Lavie, I'm getting worried," I heard Ryd's muffled voice. He knocked on the door a few times. Hindi ko magawang magsalita o gumalaw man lang. "Papasok na ako, okay?"
"Lavie," Ryd exclaimed. I felt him rush behind me. Umupo siya at sinalo ang katawan ko. "What happened? Are you okay?'
Umiling ako. Atomatikong napuno ng luha ang mga mata ko nang tanungin niya kung ayos lang ako. Inangat koa ng mukha para tingnan siya.
"C-Can you please take me to a drugstore?" my voice trembled. I felt my tears roll down my cheeks.
"Lavie," singhap ni Ryd. "Bakit? Anong meron? May masakit ba sa'yo? Gusto mo ng gamot? Should I take you to the hospital?"
"No," I quickly said upon hearing the word hospital. I'm not ready for that yet.
"Just please... dalhin mo ako. Please?" pagmakakaawa ko.
"Kakagising mo lang. Hindi ka pa kumakain-"
Umiling ako. Hindi ko yata kayang kumain. Nang maalala ko ang bacon na dala-dala niya kanina ay biglang umikot ang tyan ko. Something bile rose in my throat.
I quickly pushed away Ryd and stood up from the cold bathroom floor. Kumapit ako sa sink at nagpakawala ng panibagong suka. I heard Ryd curse. Mabilis siyang nakapwesto sa tabi ko. He bundled my hair and moved it away from my face. His other hand caressed my back.
"You're fucking scaring me, Lavie," Ryd hissed.
I gargled with water to remove the lingering bitter taste. Nang maayos ko ang sarili ay tsaka ko lang ulit tinapunan ng tingin si Ryd.
"Ryd, please," I begged.
Buntong hininga ang pinakawalan ni Ryd bago pumayag. Hindi na ako naligo. I just brushed my teeth and changed into one of his shirts.
Pinilit niya ako kumain o kahit uminom man lang ng coffee para mainitan ang tyan ko. Agad akong tumanggi. If I'm really... then I don't think I'm allowed to drink that.
I asked him to stay in the car and bought a few boxes of pregnancy kits. Ryd gave me a questioning look when I returned but he didn't say a word. He just asked me if I wanted to go home. Umiling ako. He asked me where I wanted to go. Wala akong sinagot kaya wala siyang nagawa kundi ang ibalik na lang ako sa condo unit niya.
"Malamig na yung niluto kong pagkain. Iinit ko lang." He grimaced like he remembered something. "May iba ka bang gusto kainin?"
I was about to say no when I felt the weight of the paper bag I was holding. Humigpit ang kapit ko roon. May naramdaman akong kirot sa aking dibdib. I shouldn't starve myself.
"Can... Can you make a sandwich?" I timidly asked.
He nodded and smiled. He looked genuinely happy about it. "Okay. I'll make some. Get comfortable, 'kay?"
"Thank you," I murmured. He just winked at me before heading back to the kitchen.
Kabadong naglakad ako patungo sa kwarto ni Ryd. My pounding heart was booming loudly in my ears.
Maingat na sinunod ko ang instruction na nakasulat sa kahon. I did it three times and waited for the specified amount of time for the results. Nakaupo lang ako sa saradong toilet seat at nakatitig sa kamay kong hawak-hawak ang pregnancy tests.
I watched as the line slowly appeared in one stick. Sumunod na lumabas ang sa pangalawa at pangatlong stick. I felt my tears build in my eyes again when the line doubled. All three sticks.
Positive.
"No..." I cried and started sobbing out loud.
I'm pregnant. I'm really pregnant.
How? We were careful. Xavi used protection. Kaya paano? What am I going to do now? My family... What am I going to tell them now? What am I going to do? Hindi ko na alam... Hindi ko na alam.
"Lavie?" I heard Ryd call again on the other side of the door. Kumatok ito at matapos ay ipinihit ang knob. It immediately opened.
His eyes were alert. Sa sink siya unang nakatingin. Mukhang inaasahan niya na nagsusuka ulit ako. Nang hindi ako makita roon ay pinasadahan niya na ng tingin ang bathroom hanggang sa makita ako.
"Fuck, Lavie..." He stormed towards my direction. He crouched in front of me and cupped my face. "What's wrong?"
"Ryd," hikbi ko. Mas lalong lumakas ang pag-iyak ko.
"What, Lavie? May masakit ba sa'yo?" He scanned my whole face and then held my shoulders to check my body for anything. He stilled when his eyes dropped to my hands.
"Is that..." Ryd trailed. Umangat ang mga mata niya sa akin. Matagal niya akong tinitigan. Sa mga mata niya ay kita na pinagtatagpi-tagpi pa niya ang mga nangyari. He exhaled sharply. "Buntis ka?"
Hindi ako nakasagot. Lumakas lang ang paghagulgol ko.
"What the fuck..." He wiped his face with his hands, looking completely problematic.
"Ryd... Ryd... Please don't tell anyone," I pleaded.
Hindi siya nagsalita. He looked lost and in a daze. Umiling siya at tiningnan ako ng deretso sa mga mata. "Sino?"
Napakagat ako sa labi sa tanong niya. Mas lalo akong naiyak. A part of me wants to answer him. I want to get it out of my chest, because I don't think I can say this to anyone, not even Alana. Dahil alam ko ang posibleng gawin ni Alana sa oras na malaman niya. She'll surely start a war and tell X and I don't want that.
"Who's the father, Lavie?" Ryd asked again. Titig na titig siya sa akin. Ayaw niya bitawan ang mga mata ko. He looked like he's not going to stop until I answer his question.
Pumikit ako nang mariin. "X."
"W-What?"
Huminga ako nang malalim bago tumingin sa kanya. May panibagong mga luha ang namuo at bumagsak mula sa mga mata ko.
"Xavi's the father."
Nanlaki ang mga mata ni Ryd. As if locked in Medusa's gaze, he went completely still. Umuwang ang mga labi niya. Hubog na hubog ang gulat sa kanyang mukha.
"What?" he choked out.
"We were in a relationship for three years. We broke up three weeks ago."
"But that's incest," he blurted.
"You think I don't know that? Sinubukan ko naman siyang iwasan. But he persisted and I was too weak to deny my feelings for him. It's immoral and a complete sin, I know, but I love him and he... loved me." My voice weakened at the last two words. "He loved me. Noon. Hindi na ngayon."
My chest ached like it's being ripped apart. Saying it out loud makes it more real. Mas masakit.
"Tanginang Xavi." Mariin siyang napapikit. His jaw was clenching. I've never seen Ryd angry before. Ngayon lang. Dumilat siya. Kita pa rin ang galit sa mga mata niya.
"Alam mo ba kung bakit kita dinala rito?" I know that's a rhetorical question, so I didn't bother answering. "Kasi hindi ko alam kung saan ka nakatira. Hindi ko matawagan si Xavi. I called Alana, but some guy answered and blocked me. Hindi naman sumasagot si Valen. Tinawagan ko ang mansyon ng mga Serrano. One of their maids answered. Ang sabi niya, umalis na ang mga Serrano papuntang France para sa bakasyon nila. Alam mo ba 'yon?"
Xavi left? Without telling me? Kahit text man lang?
"Hindi mo alam," he deadpanned. His jaw ticked again. "He left you heartbroken... and pregnant. Putangina ni Xavi."
I cringed. I didn't like hearing Ryd curse Xavi that way. "He didn't know that-"
"Kahit na hindi niya alam!" nanggagalaiting sigaw ni Ryd. "Hindi ka niya dapat inakit na mahalin siya kung 'di ka niya naman pala papanindigan hanggang dulo!"
Hindi ko sinagot 'yon. Bigla akong nakaramdam ng panghihina. "Please don't tell anyone, Ryd. Lalo na si Xavi. Please... Please..."
Matagal na hindi sumagot si Ryd. Muli niyang ipinikit ang mga mata. I watched him calm himself. Nang tumingin na siya sa akin ay pag-alala na lang ang tanging nakikita ko sa kanya.
"What are you going to do now, Lavie?"
Nanginig ang labi ko. Kumislap ang luha sa mga mata ko. "I don't know."
The next days, Ryd constantly checked on me and reminded me to eat. Kahit na hindi niya naman ako sabihan ay kakain ako. I don't wanna compromise my baby's health.
My baby. Parang kinukurot ang puso ko sa tuwing naiisip 'yon. I feel lost, scared, sad, and happy at the same time.
Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin alam kung paano ko sasabihin sa pamilya ko ang tungkol sa sitwasyon ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko sa kanila. I can't tell them about Xavi being the father. Paniguradong malaking gulo 'yon.
Ryd:
Someone recommended me a good OB-GYN. Gusto mo magpa-schedule ako ng appointment mo?
Napangiti ako sa nabasa. Somehow, I'm thankful that Ryd found out. Kahit papaano ay nababawasan ang bigat na nararamdaman ko. His support is all I have right now. It gives me comfort.
Hindi ko na muna ito sinagot at itinabi na ang phone. Ibinalik ko ang mga mata sa harapan. Kumirot ang puso ko nang makita ang buong pamilya ko na masayang naglalaro ng Kinect. I couldn't bring myself to join the fun. I feel too exhausted.
It's the traditional Christmas party of Fabella and Sebastian. Kumpleto kami. My grandparents and Tita Les and her family are here. The maternal grandparents of Xavi also joined us.
"Are you okay, Lavie?" a soft voice asked.
Nalipat ang mga mata ko sa gilid at bahagyang nabigla nang makita si Mama Ava. Worry was transparent on her face.
Pilit akong ngumiti sa kanya para hindi na siya mag-alala. "I'm good po, Mama."
"You look pale. Are you sick?" Inabot niya ang pisngi ko. Siguro ay tinitingnan kung mainit ako.
I laughed a little. "I'm really fine. Just a little tired po."
"Well, don't overwork yourself. After dinner, head up to your room and rest," she ordered.
"I will, Mama." I nodded.
"What's happening here?" Napalingon agad ako sa nagsalita at nakita si Mama Nova.
"Lavie's exhausted," sagot ni Mama Ava.
Mama Nova looked at me keenly. The way her brows furrowed made me a little uncomfortable. Her eyes gaze me from head to toe. It made me want to cover my womb.
"I'm fine po, Mama Nova," I exclaimed to catch her attention. I smiled when she raised her eyes back to my face. She nodded and didn't comment further.
The dinner will be held at the patio. Nakaayos na ang lamesa nang lumabas kami. It was set up nicely. That's because Mama Nova hired a caterer for this night.
We prayed before the dinner started. Si Cassiopeia ang nag-lead. Ang mga maid ang nagbukas ng mga tray isa-isa. The smell mixed in the air. Agad na nasagap ng ilong ko ang amoy ng fried chicken.
"Ahh..." Celeste chuckled. "I love food more than anything."
My stomach turned. I could feel the acid rising to my throat. I pushed back the chair and stood up. I covered my mouth to hold it back.
"Ate Lavie, what's wrong?" I heard Dashiel ask.
"Lavie?" my father asked next.
Hindi ko man tinitingnan ay alam kong nasa akin na ang mga mata ng lahat. Umiling ako bilang sagot pero mas lalo akong nakaramdam ng pagsusuka. I don't think I can stop it anymore. Tumayo ako at nagmamadaling tumakbo papasok ng bahay.
Sa bathroom ang deretso ko. I made sure to lock the door behind me before I dove for the sink and began throwing up. My eyes watered. Hindi nagtagal ay narinig ko ang sunod-sunod na katok sa pinto.
Napatalon ako at napatingin sa pinto dahil doon pero muli akong bumalik sa pagsuka. I heard my name being called by my mother.
My heaving stomach was bad enough. Nadagdagan pa ang paninikip ng dibdib ko dahil sa matinding kaba at takot. Alam ko na kung ano ang mangyayari ngayong gabi.
"Lavie, what's wrong? Open the door," my father's voice was calm as he knocked on the door.
"Open the door, Lavie," malamig na sambit ni Mommy sa isang malakas na boses.
I heard another muffled voice, but it wasn't loud for me to hear. Sinundan iyon ng panibagong boses.
I cleared my mouth with water before washing my face. Namumula na ang mga mata kong nag-iinit na dahil sa mga luha. The knocking started again.
Malalaman na nila. Imagining their reaction is enough to send me in pain. Nanghihina akong umupo sa toilet seat. A few moments later, the door flew open.
Unang pumasok si Daddy, sunod ay si Mommy. My grandmothers were behind them. Lumabas ang hikbi mula sa akin nang makita ang pag-aalala sa mga mukha nila.
"Lavie, what's wrong?" tanong ni Daddy. Lumapit siya sa akin at umupo sa gilid ko tila gusto akong kausapin nang masinsinan.
I don't deserve my father's kindness. I bit my lip. There's no use of hiding it. Nandito na. Kung hindi ngayon ay malalaman din naman nila bandang huli. I shook my head and sobbed.
"Mom... Dad..." I opened my eyes and looked at my parents. My father looked gravely concerned while my mother was pale. I can tell that she already figured it out.
She inhaled violently. "No."
I bowed my head, refusing to see the disappointment in their faces. Lumakas ang pag-iyak ko. "I'm pregnant po."
I heard them gasp out in surprise. I balled my fists tightly. I can picture out their faces in my head.
"I'm sorry po. I'm sorry," I covered my face with my hands and sobbed.
"Who's the father?" my father's voice got harsher.
Hindi ako makasagot. Hindi ko alam ang isasagot. Tanging iling lang ang nagawa ko. Takot na takot ako. I wish Xavi was here. I wish someone was here to hold my hand while facing the wrath of my family. I wish Ryd was here.
"Tell us who's the damn bastard, Lavie," my father gritted out the words.
I flinched at his tone. In my twenty-one years of existence, ngayon lang naging marahas ang boses ni Daddy sa akin. I've always been his good daughter, Lavie. Iyong Lavie na hindi sumusuway at hindi gumagawa ng ikakagalit nila.
I moved my hands away from my face and looked at their reactions. They all looked displeased. Pakiramdam ko ay sobrang laki ng kasalanan ko dahil sa ginawa ko.
Kung ganito pa lang ay galit na sila. Paano pa kung malaman nila ang totoo? Hindi ko kaya. I can't do this on my own. My heart can't take it. Ngayon pa nga lang ay gusto ko na lang mawalayan ng malay at hindi na magising pa.
I shook my head as I tried of thinking an answer. "H-Hindi... Hindi ko po alam. It was—a one night stand..."
"Oh my God," Mama Nova gasped.
"How can you be so irresponsible, Lavie Serein?" Mama Ava's upset voice did a lash to my heart.
Their words... Their stares... It will forever scar my heart.
"I'm sorry po. I'm sorry for being a disappointment. I'm sorry, Mom, Dad. I'm sorry," paulit-ulit kong sabi habang umiiyak. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry."
"You'll be the grand talk of the town," Mama Nova sternly said. "And bearing a child without knowing the father? It'll be a big scandal.
"I expected better from you. We all expected better from you. Your Dad and I treasured you like a jewel. How could you allow this to happen? Nagkulang ba kami? Naging maluwag ba kami masyado sa'yo? We gave you so much of our trust, Lavie. Tell us why," nabasag ang boses ni Mommy habang sinasabi ito. Tulad ko ay umiiyak na rin siya. Dumoble ang sakit na nararamdaman ko.
I'm sorry, Mommy. I'm sorry for being such disappointment. I'm sorry po.
"You drank too much alcohol that you lost your mind? Or were you so in heat that you willingly let someone fuck you without any protection—" patuloy ni Mommy. Para niya akong sinampal sa mga salita na ginamit niya.
Hindi ako makasagot. Pakiramdam ko ay wala akong karapatan na sumagot pa sa kanila. I deserve all their words. I deserve more than just their words. Kung sampalin man ako ni Mommy ngayon ay maiintindihan ko siya.
No parent would want this situation for their child. They want what's best for me. Naiintindihan ko ang galit nila sa akin ngayon kaya tatanggapin ko ang lahat-lahat.
"Avis," Dad called out to stop my mother.
"There's no use in questioning why and how it happened now," Mama Ava said. "Our main priority should be protecting Lavie and the baby from anything that could hurt them."
Tumama ang tingin ni Mama Ava sa akin. Napayuko ako. I can't look at them in the eyes. I feel unworthy of this family. Pakiramdam ko ay isa akong kahihiyan para sa pamilya namin.
"I'll bring her to England," Mama Nova stated out. It wasn't a suggestion. It was a statement. Umangat ang tingin ko sa kanya dahil dito. She wasn't looking at me. Her eyes were at my parents.
"I don't think that's a good idea. At times like this, she needs to be close to us. Her family," Mama Ava disagreed.
"Lucas and I will be there. We're family," sagot naman ni Mama Nova.
"Ma, ga-graduate na si Lavie next semester," sabat ni Daddy.
"Practicum siya next sem, Luke. You think she'll be allowed to take it with her case?" malamig na tanong ni Mommy dito.
Nagpatuloy sila sa pag-aaway kung ano ang makakabuti sa akin. I caused this. It's all my fault why all of this happening. My eyes dropped to my womb. I held it gently.
Mama Nova's right. This will be a huge scandal. Wala akong pakialam sa sasabihin ng tao sa akin, pero ang sasabihin nila sa magiging anak ko ay hindi ko kaya. I don't wanna hear anyone bad mouthing my baby. Just the thought of it hurts me and angers me.
And Xavi won't be gone for long. Babalik din siya sa Pilipinas matapos ang bakasyon nila sa ibang bansa. Even if he doesn't care about me anymore, I'm positive that the news will reach him. I know it would be right to tell him... but I'm scared.
Nakipaghiwalay siya sa akin dahil hindi na niya ako mahal. I don't want him to feel obligated to be with me or support me just because we have a child. And worse, what if he doesn't want me and my baby? Just the mere thought of it was enough to slowly kill me.
Tama si Mama Nova at si Mommy. Mas makakabuti sa akin kung sa ibang bansa na lang muna ako. My baby will be safe there. We'll be safe there.
"I'll go," I stated out loud, stopping them from talking.
Sabay-sabay silang napatingin sa akin. Mama Nova nodded. My decision seemed to have pleased her and my mother.
"Good. I'll schedule you an appointment to a OB-GYN tomorrow. We need to know if there are any complications in your pregnancy. Then we'll book a flight next thing tomorrow."
Hindi na nila binanggit ang tungkol sa nangyari sa dinner. They just said I ate something bad as an excuse. Matapos kumain ay pinagpahinga na nila ako. I felt like a robot, following all of their commands. Walang reklamong sumunod ako sa kanila. Iyon din naman ang gusto kong gawin.
In the middle of the night, I woke up feeling sticky. Sunod kong naramdaman ang panunuyot ng lalamunan. I reached for the remote to switch on the light.
I sat up and pushed away the comforter covering me. My eyes dropped down and my heart quickly followed.
My eyes watered. I shook my head and touched the sheet, wishing that touching it will make it dissolve and disappear.
"No... No !" I screamed out, loud enough to make my throat burn in pain.
Blood. There's blood everywhere.