from fire by perta
Just as I expected it to be, the first week back to work was difficult. Seeing Justin was nearly impossible even though he was finished with school. Work was demanding for the both of us. As soon as he got home, he was taking me to work. As soon as he picked me up from work, we went to sleep. The cycle was exhausting.
It was a Thursday night when Justin had picked me up from work at the normal two in the morning time. When I looked over at him from the passenger's seat, I noticed the bags under his eyes. They were common during those car rides. After all, he was losing a significant amount of sleep just to come get me.
Multiple times I had insisted on taking the bus home, but he wouldn't dare allow that. Perhaps it was because he was a direct witness to one of my customers harassing me outside of Parker's, or perhaps it was because he loved me so much, or both. Whatever the main reason, he only wanted to pick me up. No one else.
Those car rides were quiet. Our fingers were laced nicely in my lap, which I occasionally squeezed in order to make sure I was keeping him awake. There wasn't much to talk about, either. We were both too tired.
How can we live like this until the fall when I go back to school? I don't know if we'll make it.
"Two more days of this," I lightheartedly pushed, attempting to make the situation seem less awful.
It was difficult.
He stifled a laugh. It wasn't hateful or angry, rather than all he could scrounge up with his lack of energy. "For the week."
I pursed my lips, resting my head on the cold glass of the window. I'd have been lying if I said I didn't feel extremely guilty for the circumstances. They sucked. One hundred percent. Sucked.
"We'll make it, okay?" he was the one pushing soft words on me then. "We're just not used to it yet."
I turned to him. "Do you really think this is something we can get used to? I don't want to ruin our relationship again over something so stupid like a job."
"You could quit," he shrugged.
I raised my eyebrows. I haven't been without a job since I was probably twelve. I had started working the diner then, and ever since, I worked. Also, the quickness of his idea had me believing he was thinking about me quitting the club for a while.
"I have nothing to fall back on. I applied at a million places, none of which called me back."
"You have me to fall back on."
I shook my head. "I can't do that to you, Justin. I'm not living off of your hard work. That's not right."
"It'll only be a few months, right? Until you go back to school. Then you can get a waitressing job like you mentioned before."
Instead of responding immediately, I pondered. Again, his quickness had me feeling curious. I wondered why he didn't tell me, but then again, we never saw each other. It was difficult to communicate anything to each other.
"How long has this been on your mind?" I asked bravely.
He didn't look at me. He focused on the road ahead. "The day after I took you to work for the first time. This has nothing to do with your job duties either. I'm comfortable with what you do."
"My hero," I teased sarcastically.
"Stop," he giggled tiredly, resting a hand on my thigh. I was pleased by the lightheartedness of our conversation. "I just think this is draining the both of us. I'm sure the nature between you and Nate was much different. Did he love and care about you? Sure, but not the way I do. I feel like we spend most of our time together in the car. It sucks."
My fingers lazily found his, his touch easing my mind instantly. He always had a way of making me feel better, even when I felt my absolute worst. He didn't have to try very hard either.
"I can't lose you again," he murmured softly.
My head turned to him, my heart thudding with anxiety from the thought of us ever being apart again. "You won't. Justin, you'll never—"
"I just don't want to be one of those couples that never see each other. We're not like every other couple I know that needs space from one another or likes to sleep in different rooms. We're not fucked up like that. I don't want to be like that," he explained.
I nodded, fully understanding his concerns. I didn't respond, considering my mind was flooded with thoughts on what to say and what to do.
Justin wasn't making me choose between dancing and him. I knew he would never force a decision on me like that. It was a matter of wanting to save our relationship and our sanity. The angst and heartbreak we had gone through in those years apart hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew I had to make a decision quickly. It was time I made one that would not only be good for me, but for Justin too.
Nothing was said between us the rest of the way home. Even when we arrived back to our place, it was so quiet. The sound of Justin's keys hitting the counter was the only sound since he last spoke. Perhaps he was drowning in his thoughts just as I was. Perhaps he was just that tired.
I followed him up the stairs into our bedroom. Still, no words between us.
I have to save this. I can't be selfish any longer. I can still be a confident, happy woman without this job. I can still have Justin. I can be happy.
Justin yawned as he removed his watch and placed it on his nightstand. I studied him as his back faced me, wondering how it was even possible for me to have been so selfish. He had given up so much for me, even four years ago. It was time for me to repay him.
"Justin?" I softly called, pressing my lips together. He turned to me, and I immediately noticed the exhaustion in his expression. He looked as if he hadn't slept in weeks, which was most likely the case. Guilt struck me like a train for the millionth time that night. "Okay," I nodded.
He furrowed his eyebrows. "Okay?"
"I'll quit," I swallowed. "I'm quitting."
"Kennedy, you don't have to make a quick decision like this. I—"
"No," I interrupted. "No, you're right. I can't not see you. We're not fucked up like that. We're not."
Justin moved closer to me, his hands not shy to touch my face in order to soothe me. Whenever we spoke in seriousness, he made it a point to show me he was listening. He always did.
"It's time for me to do what's best for me. For you. For us," I nodded, and he rested his forehead over mine. "I love you so much, Justin. I'm not going to let anything ruin this again."
Several soft kisses were placed on my lips to showcase his gratitude. I could sense the smile played upon his lips without even looking at him.
Things were okay.
The next night, I put in my two week notice at Parker's. Brandy was unpleasantly surprised. I could tell by the tightness of her lips as she read my resignation.
"This is not what I was expecting to see from you," she sighed, folding up the letter and stuffing it into her pants pocket.
I nodded. "I'm really sorry. I'm going to school in the fall, and—"
"I don't need an explanation. I know you're a smart girl," she turned on her heels before walking in the other direction.
A huge part of me expected bitterness out of her. After all, she had just asked me if I wanted to make stripping a full time gig. I was sure she expected a simple yes or no, not a two week notice.
Nights at Parker's we're borderline miserable after that. Brandy made sure of it. If there was a call in, Brandy didn't bother to cover it, which meant I had to wait on double, or even triple the tables on my own. And as much as I hated Brandy for it and wished I could simply walk out, I didn't. Working through a final two week period at a job was essential to maintain good relationships and references. If I had left, that would have been three years out the window.
"Do you need some help?" Nick, the bartender, asked when he noticed I was scrambling to remember drink orders.
I shook my head. "No. I'm good, thanks."
"Brandy is such a bitch," he muttered. "You're literally her best employee, and she's abusing the shit out of you for putting in your resignation. It's bullshit, Kennedy. And you know it."
"Of course I know it," I reached for the bottle opener before opening five different bottles of beer. "I have one more week left of this torture, and I'm gone. She can never say I left on bad terms."
Nick took my ordering pad off of the tray I had the beers on, studying it quickly before returning it. He quickly lifted the tray without asking me, then started heading in the direction of table nine. "You're too damn nice, Kennedy."
I placed a hand on my hip and watched as Nick waited my table for me, which I had to admit was somewhat helpful. Even just a moment alone without having to remember a million things at once was enough to calm my frustrations.
It was my last waitressing shift for the week, which meant dancing was on the schedule for the next two nights. I still loved it, even though it may have seemed like I lost interest. It made me feel powerful and confident, but I was losing that adrenaline rush I used to get when I danced.
"Not paying you to stand there," Brandy pulled me from my thoughts as she skimmed by the bar. "If you're checked out, don't bother coming in for the rest of your shifts. We have enough people freeloading here."
Bite your tongue, Kennedy. She's just upset that you're leaving. Let her be that way if she deems it appropriate.
I drew in a deep breath, slapped on a famous Kennedy smile, and went to check on one of my many tables.
Justin and I didn't speak very much that night. Any night he had to work the next morning was very quiet due to how tired he was. I understood, and I didn't question him for even a second. He was doing me a favor by picking me up.
I wanted to vent and rant about how terrible and unprofessional of a boss Brandy was, but I refrained. I knew that if I started, I'd only rile myself up.
When we got home that night, I went upstairs to immediately remove the horrible night from my body. My clothes, my makeup, and even the scent of Parker's Place had to be taken off of me. I hopped in the shower to do so.
It was a definite bummer that I had grown to love Parker's so much over the years, but a sudden change in my life had forced me to hate it. The job was great for someone with no family or responsibilities or significant others to tend to, but since I had someone in my life that I cared about immensely, it changed everything. I knew it was for the better.
My life without Justin wasn't terrible, but I was unhappy. Although I did discover confidence, security in myself, and independence, our lives complimented one another's so wonderfully. Once I knew what it was like, I didn't want anything else. I couldn't accept it.
I climbed into bed beside Justin, wrapped up in one of his sweatshirts. At that point, I routinely kissed his forehead or the side of his neck, which I did do, and we fell asleep from there. That night was unusual, though. Rather than just going to sleep, he turned to face me as I attempted to settle under the covers.
Smiling at the sight of him, I rested my head on my pillow before lifting my hand to the side of his tired face and stroking it with my thumb. His brown eyes flooded into mine, and a part of me wanted to cry from how much I missed even just little moments like that one. I refrained, too tired to open up that can of worms.
"I missed you," he whispered as if we were seventeen again, sneaking around as we always did.
I nodded, pushing my lips to his lightly for just a moment. "I missed you, too."
His fingers trailed up and down my bare legs underneath the blankets, sending a rush of chills throughout my body. Even the gentlest of touches from him were enough to send me over the edge.
From there, he pulled me closer to him so that our bodies were no longer strangers, although it was starting to feel like that was what they were becoming. Our nearly opposite schedules took a damper on everything, including our sex life.
"My mom called me today," he murmured, his hands still firmly on me to feel our closeness.
I shook my head, confused. She never called him. She never attempted to be around. What was her sudden interest?
He chuckled dryly. "I know, I did the same thing. I think the last time I heard from her was after I graduated high school."
"Well, what did she want?" I asked, truly concerned. A big part of me knew exactly why she called, but I wanted to know if he had connected the dots himself. He was smart, of course, but he also had a very forgiving soul. Sometimes, it blinded him from accurate decisions.
"One of her clients that lives up here saw my name in the paper for graduating. She thought it would be nice to congratulate me," he stated dryly, showing me he knew exactly why she called.
She was suddenly proud of him because there was recognition there for her. All Justin was going to be was a way for her to network with new clients for her real estate. That was all she ever cared about. She only ever cared about the money.
Empathetically, I brushed my thumb back and forth over the soft skin underneath his eye. "What did you say?"
He shrugged. "Not much at first. I mean, I haven't heard from her in four years. She knows nothing about me, and here she is, suddenly wanting to act like a mom again."
"How so?"
"She wants us to come visit her. I told her I would think about it, but I don't feel very good about exposing you to her bullshit. It's exhausting," he explained, closing his eyes.
I swallowed hard, nerves discovering me immediately. I knew she was a very sophisticated woman. A manipulative, money-hungry, abandoner too, but very intelligent and very judgmental. "Do you know where she is now?"
"I thought she was still in Virginia, but I guess she's in Maine now. She sells beach houses in the Camden area because there's more money there. Go figure."
I nodded, understanding completely. Still, I felt so sorry for him. No one should have to deal with that, especially Justin. He was one of the kindest, most genuine people I'd ever known. How he was the product of two awful people, I just wasn't sure.
"We don't have to go," he looked up at me with his heavy brown eyes. "I don't really care either way, but I know how nerve wracking this kind of stuff can be for people and—"
"Justin," I stopped him, snuggling myself a little closer to him. "Yes, it's nerve wracking. But if you want to go, we'll go. You can see your mom, and maybe you can have a real adult conversation with her about her actions and how they've affected you over the years," I licked my lips. "Anything you need from me— anything at all, I'm your girl. If you want to drive up to Maine right now, we'll go right now. Or if you want to say 'fuck her' and leave it at that, we can do that, too. You just say the word."
He smiled softly, and I swore a light chuckle fell from his lips.
It was the first one I had seen from him in a while that wasn't laced with sarcasm, and it warmed me from the inside. It was such a beautiful sound that I missed so dearly.
"I love you, Kennedy Nolan," he glowed.
My heart thudded happily at his words, wishing I could have recorded that moment and saved it forever. Like I said before, even the smallest of moments with Justin were absolutely everything to me. Even the ones where we lay in bed and talked about how shitty his mom was.
All of them.
a/n: guys i am alive and also very sorry i disappeared i have some real shit going on right now but i am back for u
please check out all i ever knew was your name :)