Chapter 22
Carina:
Acquaintances.
The word felt weird, rolling out of my mouth as I stared up at Draco, repelling the urge to wrap myself around him. It was hard. This was rational. We needed to end it, and we did. But why was I not happy?
"Draco?"
He looked at me questioningly, looking genuinely interested, I gulped, "Are you, uh." Wait I can frame this better, right? "Are you still mad about me knowing Ed?" apparently I can't.
Even my body seemed to agree, what with the way my chest tightened at the memory.
The question stumped him, that much I could see, but he made a valiant effort to keep the disgust off his face as he stared down at me, pursing his lips as if the words in his mouth tasted bitter, "I was never mad." He said tensely, leaning back on his hands as he took another minute to compose himself, to which I just nodded. He's not mad but it still bothers him.
Of course, for a person who grew up with blood supremacy as his backdrop, it would.
"Dray-"
"Don't." he cut me off, shaking his head slowly, "It'll be better for the both of us if we forget that this-"he gestured between us, "ever happened."
I snorted as I squared up to him, "You would do anything to avoid discussing your background, wouldn't you?"
"No." he countered, "I just don't see why opening up our past is helpful right now-"
"Because my past is dead." I answered, and in that moment I realised that while I don't hate Draco Malfoy anymore, I didn't want to go back to acting like this never happened. It happened and we are here and it helped us move past our differences, somewhat.
Not that I was going to run around suggesting it to other people.
His eyes blazed as he stared down at me with confusion, trying to figure where I'm going with this, "Carina, I know it is difficult losing someone you care about-"
"It's not." I answered, vaguely aware of how my heart was beating a little too fast for my liking, "Losing someone is something that happens daily, people die all the time."
His face scrunched up, his forehead creasing as he straightened up at my answer, looking lost, but something on my face must've made him start walking towards me.
"I lost the only father figure I had." I said, my heartbeat drumming in my ears, "But you were my friend." I continued, sniffing slightly as he stopped right in front of me, "And my friend started hating me the minute he came to know someone loved me like a daughter."
"Carina-"
"Why did you hate me so much?" I asked, the one question that had in fact kept me up at night, "Because your parents told you to?"
His face fell, and his arms wrapped around me but I looked away, my eyes were blurry, "I needed my friend." I ground out, "One that wasn't told to hate me."
"I didn't-"his face constricted as I looked back at him and I ran a hand down my face roughly, "I don't hate you-"
"That's not the point." I went on, trying to see through him. Draco Malfoy was a lot of things, but he was agreat friend. He's complex, a bully, a mean spirited person who will stop atnothing if you wrong him. But he also fiercely protective of his near and dearones. And that vanished the moment I realised I wasn't near him or dear to himanymore. "You hated me because your parents told you to."
"They didn't-"
"Oh, so you didn't stop talking to me after you realised your father might come to know you're socializing with someone who knows a squib?"
His mouth slammed shut, lips pressing into a thin line as I pulled away from his hold, dabbing at my eyes I looked up at him, "You are not your father, Dray." I whispered, turning around to put my hand on the door, "I've said this before and I will say it again, you are a good person."
*
It was easy.
Very easy to ignore the fact that Draco and I were so attuned to each other that I knew which side he preferred to sleep on. In the days that followed our drastic decision, the weather worsened, lessons got more boring, my guilty conscience eased up and the Quidditch mania increased. The season wasn't so far away and the fact that the last year was spent without any Quidditch just led to an acceleration of the fad.
Which meant that the Slytherin versus Gryffindor was drawing closer and the evidence started to manifest as both houses took the rivalry to the school corridors. Although, I have pretty great idea that jinxing people was definitely something my own house started. Not like Snape cared.
So Draco and his posse, safe to say were scarce company.
Which gave me a lot of time to catch up on homework, obsess over my mother issues and generally ignore the world by throwing myself in deep parchments.
After telling Daphne that the arrangement I had was over and done with, she hounded me with wanting to know who it was until I snapped and told her it was a Gryffindor, one I wasn't proud of. While she was proud of me for branching out this year, I shoved my guilty conscience down so low, sometimes even I forgot that I ever slept with Malfoy.
Of course all of the above only applied when he wasn't near me, so basically it just applied for 4 hours a day, or when Draco was at Quidditch practise.
"Herms." I greeted as I settled on my seat in front of her and she smiled at me tiredly, her eyes flicking between the parchment and me, "What are you working on?"
"Flictwick's essay on Silencing charms." She answered, smothering a huge yawn and I giggled, "What?"
"Are you still knitting those ridiculous hats?" I asked, "You do know Hogwarts will run out of house-elves if you keep that up?"
Her nostrils flared at my declaration, "Well, it's better than them having to slave all hours of the day!"
I laughed, "'Mione, you really need to relax about this alright? You can't change the world overnight."
Her mouth opens with a counter without hesitation, "Well it's been a lot of nights."
Well, it's hard changing the mind of the president of S.P.E.W. She's been keeping up with homework, already studying for the O.W.L's and knitting hats and scarfs for house-elves to set them free. Let's not stress her out more.
Sighing I open the flap of my bag, getting to things I had actually come up here for, "Agree to disagree?"
She scoffs, going back to her essay, "Agree to let you not rain on my parade."
"Fine." I replied, setting to work, just so we could stop arguing, god knows I've had my share of it this year. So we settled down, working in silence as we just looked up with tired smiles from time to time. This was another instance where it was all too easy. But she knew. Of all people Hermione knew, almost everything, about mum, about Draco and about my highly increasing obsession with anything sweet and that's what made it difficult; Especially when she would decide to set her things away and look at me, as if trying to figure out what is on my mind.
There wasn't much.
She obviously did not think that way.
"How are you today?" she asked, setting down her quill and screwing the top of the ink bottle.
I shrug, still debating on the conclusion of my essay, "I think I'm going to send it."
Her eyebrows rise, "The newspaper cutting?"
"Yes." I say, looking up at her, "I think that should give her enough time to sort out a nice speech before I arrive back home for Christmas."
Her sceptical face just sets off a flicker of annoyance in me, "You know I think she deserves the benefit of doubt-"
"Which I am giving her." I cut in, "Besides, Daph thinks I should too."
She sighs, knowing she's defeated, "I just don't think you should crowd her with so much information, especially via mail."
"Well." I start, setting my things inside my bag, deciding the conclusion can wait till tomorrow, "She shouldn't have hidden my real identity then."
I'm almost out of my chair when she speaks again, "But she didn't.", looking at me critically she went on, "It's just a last name, a tag, not you."
I'm shaking my head before she even finishes, "You don't get it-"
"I don't have to." She answers clearly, "I know you. And I would still be your friend whether your last name is something different."
So I left put the part where it's Yaxley.
I chew on my lower lip slowly, "I love you, Herms." I say finally, "But I would still like to know why my mother did that."
"I know, Care." She smiles, "Just don't think that this isn't the real you okay?" she walks over to me then, wrapping an arm around my shoulder, "You're Carina, spunky, sarcastic, scary, a great friend, someone with the guts to screw Malfoy," I laugh, as we start walking, knowing no one will ever know the real extent of her words, "And an overall amazing person."
*
As cliché as it sounds, I felt him before I even saw him. It was quite as I trudged up the stairs to the Owlery, very close to curfew and very dark. Exactly, the way I liked it.
Logically, I knew my heart was beating double time because I ran up most of these stairs, but I knew I would find Draco inside before I even stepped in. And he was, standing in the far corner, the handsome black Malfoy family owl, perched on his shoulder, hooting feebly as his owner was bent over a table, scribbling something.
Letters to daddy dearest, I suppose.
So I stayed quiet as I crossed over to the other side, unfolding the letter I had hastily written, and read it one last time, reminding myself that I was indeed doing the right thing.
Williamson,
To put it plainly, I miss you a fuck lot.
Also, remember the thing I had with blondie? Yeah we broke it off. And since you are the only one I ever informed in the first place, I think you deserve to know how that chapter ended.
Moving on,
You told me to talk to mum (As you have consistently), and to that I raise you a very critical piece of information.
I need you (and all your infinite wisdom).
-Your favourite sunflower.
"Carina?" the familiar cold drawl echoed across the Owlery just as I had finished re-reading the letter. My head snapped up to meet grey eyes, coming closer to me and I stiffened, rolling the parchment hastily and shoving the newspaper cutting in.
"Draco." I said, but my voice shook, so I cleared my throat as he stopped in front of me, his eyes scanning my face rapidly, and I cringed, holding up a finger to stop him from speaking, as I whistled for Leo.
"Take this to Will." I whispered to my owl, feeding him a treat as I rubbed his head. It was cold in the Owlery, and even though I was wearing two layers, a sweater and jacket it got me, but not as much as the heating furnace that was Draco Malfoy standing next to me, looking like he wanted to kiss me and kill me at the same time.
I waited till Leo had flown off, out of the many owl exits before I looked back at him, and stopped my hand from involuntarily fixing his hair that fell over his face.
"Draco?" I asked softly, breaking the trance-like stare he had going on with my face.
He stepped closer to me, inhaling deeply as I stood my ground, "When was the last time you ate?" he asked, his cold finger coming up to trace my cheek and I shivered at his touch, making him remove it instantly, as if he had just caught himself.
"Uh." I stuttered, definitely not ready for the onslaught of conflicting feelings in me at his closer proximity, "At lunch." I answered finally, shaking my head and taking a step back, just to break the stupor he created in me. It didn't work as easily it did in class, when I had furniture and people to act as buffers.
His face contorted in annoyance at my answer and he glanced at his watch, before setting me with a hard glare, "Its way past Dinner, Hadley." He muttered, stepping close to me as his hand wrapped around my forearm, turning us around to the exit, "Did you just skip a meal?"
Momentary anger flooded through my system at his stupid question and I found myself yanking my hand out of his grip, "No," I countered, stepping past him out of the Owlery, "just posting my mail, like you were Malfoy."
"Then why didn't you eat?"
"I will." I said, "Daph has some muffins kept just in case-"
"Muffins aren't dinner." He snapped, pulling me close in one smooth move to wrap his arms around me. "You look like you have lost weight-"
"How is this any of your business, Malfoy?" I asked, mentally readying myself to step out of his warm hold. Shit, dammit get your hormones under control, Hadley!
"I'm not going to let you starve yourself-"He said angrily, looking down at me with thunder in his eyes.
A snort escaped my lips at that admission, "Why do you care?" I countered with just as much anger.
His face fell, as he faltered, his grip loosening on me as he looked down at me, eyes dimming as the fire in it died, going dead altogether as I ripped apart from him, shaking my head at him as I fled the staircase.
The more steps I took away from him, the less the need to run back to him became.
How do you explain this to yourself if you claim to not even know the guy?
*
I was mad at him for the entirety of the next day, actually going out of my way to avoid his pesky presence in classes. It didn't bother our group, they were used to our cold wars and were just happy we weren't cursing or jinxing each other. Although the itch to do so manifested whenever his grey penetrating gaze turned to me and his eyes either blazed or softened.
I didn't delve on which way I wanted them to go.
So I took my escape route right after classes ended throwing a quick, "To the library" as I fled the classroom. While it worked as a good excuse, it was the truth. Now that I had posted the Engagement announcement I had of my parents, I needed more information, you can't blow off on people unless you have all the data. And I hardly think Snape is going to be forthcoming with more convenient cut-outs; so to the library it was.
It was tough, and almost took me way until dinner was over to find articles that even mentioned my father. Corban Yaxley was mentioned religiously as was Lucius Malfoy, and many other famed Death-Eaters who avoided capture after the first Wizarding War, stating being under the control of the Imperious curse.
That paper went straight to my bag, while I battled with an unknowing emotion to set the entire bundle of 1981 on fire.
Iwas born on a balmy August day, away from the brouhaha that was part ofVoldemort's then reign. But my so called father left us, merely a month in. To follow his LeaderI assume, to rid the world of competent witches and wizards who were better thanthem all put together.
As the fair headed man stared back at me from the paper, I realised this was the first time I had even seen my father. Does he even know I exist?
If my suspicions are correct, maybe now he does.
But why now?
Why would he come back after he was away for 15 years?
15 years when I needed a father but had to make do with what I had?
The sniff that left my nose almost had my gagging, I will not cry for a monster. I will not cry for the man who left my mother when she was at her weakest and I will not cry for his crimes. Hastily shoving the bundle back in its designated space I stepped back from the newspaper covered table, satisfied when all the proof of me ever looking at old ones was gone. Apart from the one sitting in my bag.
"Carina?" a soft voice called just as I started out of the long aisle and I looked up to see Hermione watching me curiously from the opposite end, a N.E.W.T level Charms book in her hand.
"Herm-"
"Are you okay?" she cut me off, stepping closer and I notice she didn't look better either. In fact she looked like she hadn't slept last night.
I gave her a tight smile, nodding, "Yeah I was just wondering if you wold like to join me and Daphne to finish the Potions essay, Saturday evening?"
Her face brightened, and she was halfway into a nod, before she stopped, her eyes widening slightly a she shook her head immediately, "I can't this weekend. Sorry."
"Why?" This was the third time Hermione had turned down group study sessions. I'm almost starting to wonder if she's seeing someone in secret. Will go with this year's theme I guess.
She gave me a guilty smile, "I promised Harry and Ron I'd help them with homework and you know how they are accumulating a large pile between then."
I rolled my eyes, hitching my bag further up, "You know with you doing all their homework they aren't passing the O.W.L's!" I threw back as I waved goodbye.
She laughed as she waved back, it still didn't reach her eyes, but then she was terribly tired.
This year was a bust.
And it's just November.
*
It was late when I stepped into the Common Room that night, narrowly avoiding missing dinner, as I reached 5 minutes before the food vanished. After a very disapproving glare from Daphne and mutual goodbyes from everyone who were done with it, I had decided to post the new newspaper trivia to Will as well.
Blissfully away from Malfoy's presence this time.
Well, my luck didn't last long, because the minute I stepped into the almost empty Common Room, I spotted his dorm-mates hanging around my favourite couch, and to think I had planned to relax with a book.
"Malfoy, man." Nott whined, as I Zabini waved me over, "Wake the fuck up!"
Draco's face down body greeted me as I neared them and dropped my heavy bag on the coffee table, Crabbe and Goyle immediately yawning as they took their leave.
"Oh sit down for some will you?" Pansy said from behind and Blaise did, sighing as he walked to her armchair's arm, giving Nott as meaningful look, who just threw his hands in the air and stalked away too. So I took the now available seat on the floor, my back resting comfortably on the couch.
"Daph just went to bed a few minutes ago." Blaise supplied, rubbing his eyes and Pansy rested her head on his arm, "I want to too, but this buffoon has been sleeping here, since he got back from practise."
I laughed as I turned towards them, my right side, now leaning on the couch as my head very narrowly missed Malfoy. "Go sleep, Blaise."
"And listen to him whine about his back tomorrow?" he shot back, "No way."
This time Pansy laughed at his reasoning, and whispered something to him, which I took as an opportunity to stare at the sleeping body inches from me. Draco's face was turned towards the back of the couch, his hair standing out as the only bright colour on his otherwise dark uniform robes and the black leather couch. My hand instantly fell on it, parting the soft waves effortlessly and I held back a sigh, painfully aware of Pansy and Blaise having a murmured conversation.
Shit, I miss running my hands through his head, how is his hair so soft? I almost pulled back a few in my irritation, making a face at Zabini and Pansy now dozing.
"Go on up, you two." I said softly, my hand still playing with Draco's hair, weaving through them and gently tugging till I reached his scalp. A groan answered me and I smiled, shifting my gaze to the two as Blaise slowly got to his feet, but when the same low baritone moan reverberated from my right, my hand ceased their actions and I removed them as Malfoy's head moved, his own hand coming to scratch the back of his head.
"You woke up the beast!" Zabini said, his voice laced with a yawn coming through but he got up fully, pulling Pansy with him, as Draco awoke, turning around with a confused expression to meet my face just inches from his.
Merlin, sleepy Draco is impossible to be mad at.
A smile broke out on his face, making me almost want to return it, when Zabini called out a loud Goodnight, struggling with Pansy's dead weight as he helped her to the door, shouting a, "Bed, Malfoy," as he passed us.
Draco's raised head immediately met the couch at Blaise's disappearance, his eyes on me as I bit my lip, winking at him and going to stand up, when his hand caught mine, pulling me down from my half crouch. My butt hit the carpet with a soft thud as I opened my mouth to tell him off, but he didn't give me the chance, pulling my hand to his hair again, his eyes so hopeful, I faltered.
"Stay." He said, "I just want to sleep."
The dark circles under his eyes showed me just how much. So I nodded, settling down again as I tore my hand from his grip and parted his hair, pulling a bit at his strands as he let out the softest moan ever, his eyes shutting. This time, I smiled.
"I miss that so much." He murmured, rubbing his face harshly as he settled further back, making me arch over, "Come here." He ordered, opening his eyes just for a second and I shook my head.
This was difficult enough.
"I won't bite." He said amusedly, "I promise."
My hand continued playing with his platinum hair, as I shook my head again, "Sleep."
"I'm sorry." He whispered suddenly, his grey eyes, opening and softening as they stared at me, "This year has been shit so far."
A small smile lifted my lips at that admission, "Tell me about it."
"I don't regret it though." He said lowly, holding my chin between his index and thumb, as he gently caressed it and I sighed.
"Don't regret what?" I asked slowly, "Dumbridge's power hungry tactics, the duties your father has passed onto you, the approaching O.W.L's stress, or sleeping with me?"
A breath-taking smile answered my rant, "Just the last bit." He said cheekily, winking at my sour face.
Man he really knew how to get past my defences.
"Just sleep?" I asked, removing my hand from his hair as his thumb continued to rub my chin, "And you'll wake up early to go back up?"
He nodded, smiling a bit at my defeat, "I promise."
So I got up, pulling my hair out of its tight ponytail in its process and settled next to him, naturally falling back to our preferred position with my head on his chest and his hands around my waist. It felt odd, like I was finally able to relax and I shivered at the thought, making him wrap his hands tighter, "Hands in my hair, Hadley," he whispered, "I didn't offer you my body as a mattress for nothing."
*
I think I'm going to throw up.
But I ran anyway, as fast as I could towards the pitch as I could, with Blaise in tow as we jumped over slippery grass to get to Malfoy, lying with blood steadily streaming down his nose, making his pale complexion look sicker.
I was vaguely aware of madam Hooch shouting, but at who I didn't dare to see, we were just few feet away when she bellowed, "Go! Now!" and I whipped my head to look at Potter and a Weasley twin slump their shoulders and turn around.
"Draco." Blaise said as we came to a stop next to him, falling to our knees as he sat looking up at the sky, trying to get the blood from his nose to stop bleeding I suppose.
"Are you okay?" Pansy asked panting as she fell to the round next to me and he gave us a thumbs up, his knuckles torn and bloody too.
"Dray what the fuck?" I said lowly, knowing we had an audience but I didn't care, as I lifted my wand out of my coat pocket, ready to fix his face, when he started to lower his head to level me with a nasty glare. "No." I shouted, loud enough to make Pansy and Zabini jump, "Keep your head up!"
"Don't you fucking speak to me that way-"
"Episkey." I fired at his face, watching his face contort in more pain and shut up as I fixed his nose.
"Carina-"Daphne started as she made her way back with Crabbe and Goyle in tow, but I was too busy having a staring match with Malfoy, steadily getting his hand towards me to fix his split knuckles and I was almost there, my wand pointed and I had just opened my mouth when a shrill throat cleared around us and all of us looked up to see Dumbridge smiling down at us sweetly, her eyes locked on Draco's hand on mine and I let it go immediately.
"Are you sure you should be pointing a wand at a hurt man, Miss Hadley?" she asked, coming closer to us, her face pink with the cold and my jaw locked, a part of my brain telling me to shut up before I got another detention, but the other, the bigger part ready to scream this bitch back to her gruesome pink cave she crawled out of.
A cold hand clasped around my wand bearing one again, and Draco's eyes flashed at me with warning as he gently lowered my wand with his bruised hand.
"Professor," he started, his voice hoarse, "I think the real culprits are Potter and that Weasley Twin, not Hadley who was trying to help-"
"We have a matron, Mr. Malfoy." she answered with her girlish voice high as she eyed McGonagall marching across the pitch to the castle, amongst the general crowd of dissipating students.
"There's no need to trouble Madam Pomfrey." Draco said and urged all of us to nod, "Hadley has always been good with healing spells."
The warming of my cheeks was purely due to the running exertion I had been on.
"Healed a lot of people have you?" she asked turning to look down at me and Daphne pulled me up, motioning for Zabini to help Malfoy, as I looked way from the pink toad who was very well supporting Slytherin if the green scarf around her neck was any indication.
Why do we get arseholes in this house?
"She has actually." Blaise said, smiling his dazzling smile and Dumbridge's retort stopped short at it, "I'm afraid, Pansy here is very clumsy, and taking her to the hospital wing everyday isn't ideal."
To prove the point, Pansy forced out a small embarrassed laugh, "That's me, the klutz, inspiring people to learn spells to help me."
"Actually," Daphne cut in, "that basic spell was taught by Professor Flictwick last year." There's obviously no need to tell her that mum taught me that spell in the first summer back home.
God knows what underage magic will lead us to.
"I see." Dumbridge said, scrutinizing each of us, before nodding.
"If you don't mind, Professor," Draco said, leaning against Zabini, "I would really like to rest-"
"Oh yes." She agreed, "I have to sort out your attackers too." Draco's face lit up, "I do expect you to drop in to the infirmary," she went on, looking severely at me, "Have a good day students."
That said she marched away towards the castle, turning the corner out of the Quidditch pitch just as Draco was pulling me to him, holding up his hand in front of me and I sighed. Pulling his hand close, his very cold hand close and murmuring the spell quickly, before I dropped it abruptly and pulled Daphne towards the exit.
It wasn't long before Malfoy swung his arm around my shoulders and fell into step next to me, I made a face at his gesture, attempting to throw his hand off, but he stopped, pulling me with him as he gestured for the others to carry on. "We'll catch up." He said, looking at me as the others shuffled slowly away, just Blaise and the girls though, Crabbe and Goyle had opted to change out of playing gear back in the changing rooms.
"What?" I asked, once everyone was out of hearing distance, looking at him as he shook his head, pulling me to him, his hands running up and down my back as he sniffed my hair.
"Thank you." He murmured in my ear, planting a quick kiss just below it, making my shiver against him, but he pulled back and I exhaled at his expression, it was blank.
"You started it, didn't you?" I asked, looking at him expectantly, "Don't deny it we saw it happen."
It was his turn to sigh, as he shrugged, "Potter was saving Weasley's neck-"
"So what?" I asked, "It's a team sport."
"You don't get it-"
"I don't want to." I said, "I didn't care when you guys made those badges, hell I'm wearing one." I said, pointing at my chest, the badge now concealed between my scarf, "I care when you go ahead and provoke people into hitting you-"
"You care?" he cut me, looking at me flabbergasted and I made a noise of frustration.
"As much as we like to kid ourselves," I started, my voice steely, "I can't deny the fact that I still don't want to see you being pummelled."
That said, I turned around, stomping up the hill to the castle, not stopping even when Malfoy once again caught up with me, his arm going around my waist easily as he stayed quiet on the journey to the Common Room.
It was when we got to bed that day that Daphne had hugged me expectedly, whispering how proud she was at the way I still stood beside Draco in his hour of need and the guilt of not telling her washed over me again.
Along with the sinking feeling that I had gone ahead and become friends with that bastard again.
So much for acquaintances.
**