"I thought I told you not to look for me. I'm busy. So, let's make it quick."
I didn't have any time, right now. My time was taken up on looking over a potential contract. A contract that could be the best thing to happen to this company. I decided to stop since my lover refused to talk. I looked up to see him shaking. What put him like this? I stood up and got up close to him. I observed him. He had an envelope held tightly in his hands. The paper was going to be indented. I took the envelope from his hands. He held tightly to it like he didn't want me to read it. It drew more curiosity. What did it contain?
"Jin?" I said and I took out the letter. The first line read the name of a clinic not far from our apartment. It wasn't something I was expecting. The letter was nothing more than a test saying he was pregnant.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know how to tell you. And I know you said not to come here or your house. I—it's just I'm never sure when you'll come see me." His voice was shaking.
"You didn't pick up the phone." He excused himself. The evidence was the missed calls on my phone which were ignored.
There was a chilling shock coursing my body. I'm going to be a father again. This time it wouldn't be with my wife. What am I going to do? I thought I had been precautious and Jin had been on birth control. We both knew this couldn't happen.
"Fuck! Jin! I told you since the beginning that my priority was my family. You knew this wouldn't amount to anything. What do you want me to do?!" I raised my voice. I wasn't angry but I was frustrated. Frustrated because I couldn't do anything about this. I could only bring financial support and an occasional visit.
If they were lucky, I could probably sneak away and visit them a few days out of the year. They couldn't be my priority. That wouldn't be fair. Jin probably could see this happen. I needed this job to help maintain both lives. The company wasn't mine. It belonged to my wife's family. I was fucked if they ever found out about me being unfaithful. It wasn't like I cared about money but I had build a life and started a family with my wife. Jin was a life apart from that—a secret well kept.
Everything seems to be crumbling down.
Jin wasn't part of this world. He barely had any money when he met me. He wouldn't understand me. I don't understand him either. That was partly my fault for not caring to know him personally. I played house with him. That's all I did. I didn't mean to commit myself to him or to a life with him. I just liked the way he looked after me. I didn't mean to leave him pregnant.
My lover was crying before me. His face was red—almost purple— and he couldn't look at me. His sobs could be heard. Jin was having a hard time trying to contain himself. I couldn't bring myself to provide comfort because I didn't want him to misunderstand. It could lead him to think that I was going to leave my family. I wasn't going to get a divorce and start a life with him. It wasn't logical.
My wife and I had two wonderful children. I love my two children. They're so small, yet; they wouldn't comprehend if my wife and I separated and why I wouldn't see them anymore. Because I was sure once they learned that it was due to unfaithfulness, they would make sure I never see my children again. Jin wouldn't take me away from them. I'd support Jin and my son or daughter financially but they couldn't expect more.
"Go home. I'll see you after work. I'll have a contract ready. You'll get monetary support. Think of where you want to live. I want you two to have a nice home. I'll contact my lawyer."
He slapped me. I didn't see it coming. My cheek stung. I touched it. My hand felt cold compared to the skin on my cheek.
"Don't come. If that's the way it's going to be—fine. I'll talk to your lawyer. I only want support until I can work. It'll be after giving birth to the baby. You're a fucking coward Jungkook. I wish I could hate you. I really do."
He was angry and determined. I hadn't done anything wrong. I just couldn't do any of the things he wanted. Jin was a simple man. One which was about family, friends, love, and home. Ironic how he was family oriented and decided to be with a married man.
At first, he didn't know I was married. What should've been only one night turned into many nights. Eventually, I told him that I was married and he shouldn't expect me to come often. That day I remember he had been wanting to tell me something but once I confessed to be married he remained quiet. I remember him crying after having sex. The feeling of seeing him crying wasn't something I wanted to feel again and today I experience it again.
I was losing him. He was going to leave me. I couldn't say I didn't understand because I knew why. He had fallen in love with me. I'm not sure if I'm in love with him. It's the same way I feel about my wife after years of marriage. I'm comfortable with her and him but does it compare?
"Think about what you're saying. You haven't finished college. You have two years left. When they find out you're pregnant they'll take away your scholarship,"
I tried to reason. My cheek stung. I needed ice. I took my hand away knowing it wouldn't do anything for the pain.
"Don't you think I know that? Of course, I do. I got that scholarship for exemplary behavior and my good grades. The thing is I knew that I should've left you the moment you said you were married. I had fallen in love by then." He stayed silent.
Somehow I knew he would say that. I had felt it whenever we were together. Both of us felt guilty afterward, us being together. I'd feel guilty because I couldn't love him the way he deserved and had lied to my family. He felt that way because he shouldn't be my lover. There had been a silent understanding that I would leave after our "love" sessions. I did the first couple of months. Then he began to ask if I was hungry or wanted a beer. I should've known then things would rapidly go downhill. We were just walking on thin ice for those months. This had broken the ice. Would we both come out alive? I think, we will. He's determined and I'm determined to make the best out of this situation I created.
"But you don't love me. I think, it's best if I leave. Sorry, Mister Jeon for interrupting your busy schedule." He was turning away. I held onto him. It wasn't right for him to call me Mister. This wasn't us.
"Don't be irracional. Let's talk about it. I'll take my lunch hour now. We'll discuss this. We can figure out what to do." I'm trying to keep calm and not let my emotions take control of me.
Cool. I have to keep myself calm and cool.
Jin wasn't turning around to face me. This was making my heart beat irregularly. Why was it making me nervous?
"There's nothing to discuss. I'm having a child on my own. You're nothing more than a stranger. I'm sorry, for wasting your time. If it makes you feel better I'll sign a discretion contract. Otherwise, you know I won't say anything." He took my hand away from him. I, finally, was able to see his eyes.
"Goodbye, Mister Jeon. I hope you have a nice day." He walked away. I could see that this was goodbye forever.
Don't make it forever, Jin.
~*~
I stepped into the apartment after a long day at work. I had to come and see him. Tell him he was being irracional. That I was going to try and be a parent to our child too. He wasn't there. I looked for his belongings or anything to let me know he would be back.
I found my things and some of his things. He would be back. He only took a few things. He just didn't want to talk to me right now. He'll be back.
Right?
~*~
"Jungkook? Understand that he won't come back. He's gone and it's for the best. You have a family," I interrupted him. One, I knew what he was going to say because I, myself, knew it. Two, I didn't care to hear it.
"Look for him! I don't want our child to suffer. I want him back and back in our apartment. Got it? Hire an investigator!" I was getting anxious. I haven't seen or heard from him in four months.
There was a silence. He was contemplating his options here. All he needed to do was look for Jin. He was pregnant somewhere in this world. I wasn't sure if he was being well fed or had a roof over his head. I had provided him with all his necessities. I wasn't with him anymore and it worried me.
"Jungkook, he told me not to. He doesn't want to be a part of whatever it is you have planned. That boy was in love with you. He came into my office a mess and signed a discretion contract and he also signed that he wouldn't ask for anything from you. He gave up on you! I'm not just your lawyer, I'm your friend! As your friend—you fucked up. He could've made you happy. You were more at peace when you had him in your life and you won't admit that. As your lawyer...good riddance. He'll keep his mouth shut and he won't be causing you any trouble. Your image of the perfect family man is intact."
"The perfect family man?" I laugh. I abandoned my lover and child to remain perfect in the eyes of everyone. I'm an idiot.
"Look for him. He can give up on me but I won't give up on him."
May 7, 2018
Tickets for BTS go on sale today for my dates. Wish me luck!
Also, I feel like I could write a fic on this one-shot.