Chapter 37: Avoid But Never Forget
[EXELLOR ONEIRO'S POV]
“Umm, I need to excuse myself. I'm done with my food... I'll just go to the living room, Paul.”
I tried to plaster the sweetest smile that I could muster, while I was walking out, but in reality... I wanted to yell, scream... Like at that time, I wanted to crumple the spoon and fork that I was holding.
It's true that I really went to the living room after I washed my hands on their sink. I walked back and forth, trying to comprehend everything that happened. My eyes scanned the things that it should.
And one thing caught my whole attention.
Slowly walking towards it, the image became clear. Surrounded by a small wooden frame is a picture. A family picture. I can tell that it's pretty old, since I smiled, seeing a baby Paul in it, being carried by a woman who seems to be sitting, and smiling widely in front of the camera, and beside her's a man, standing erect, having this cold but cool smile, looking like a soldier, wearing a black polo.
Everything's perfect, 'til I realized, and I managed to look closer on the photo.
My smile slowly faded, and the sepia-filled flashbacks came into me like thunderbolts. Remebering those sweet eyes, wavy hair and a look that could kill, instantly, dark thoughts consumed me.
Oh... no...
I lost all hope. It's like losing the essence of humanity, forgetting who I really am, for once, truth became lies.
The world is too small to keep running away, I told myself...
I felt the sudden shiver ran through my skin, when I know a presence behind me. Quickly grabbing a knife hidden on my right thigh, I turned back, only to find a cold, sneering Timothy Funtelo looking at me.
Slowly, I let the blade slightly touch his adam's apple, making it bob, which meant he swallowed repeatedly, but never removing eye contact. Anger dripped within my stare.
“Is that... Miracle?” I asked him without any emotion at my tone.
He nodded slowly. “Miracle... Funtelo. My only wife.”
After the quick silence, he finally had the guts to ask me a question.
“Why... are... you... here?” he scowled, but tried not to move. Definitely, his voice's coldness can make you shiver, but there was no mercy in my eyes.
“Because of your son.”
“Hmm... But those eyes seems different...” he comments. “Those... eyes... You have the same eyes... as Raoul...”
“EXELLOR! DAD!” I heard the quick shout from Paul not far from us.
The fire in my eyes dissapeared. The strenght I had, fueled by anger, was gone. My skin suddenly felt so cold. And I started to hear my heartbeats again. I was back on my own self.
But my hands couldn't respond, it's still tightly clenched on the knife's handle.
A tear fell on my cheek. I never thought that this would be a possibility. Out of all people... why? My eyes weren't wrong... and so his words proves it too. The fiery pain inside my chest came back, and this time, it really hurts.
What did I do to deserve this things?
I remebered Paul's smile. For once, he taught me how to smile again... I did but... it seems that smiles have exchanges.
Everytime there's that one happy moment in your life, why some of us expect that something bad will happen? Too much happiness causes negativity. Thinking about it gives me migraine already!
“Sigurado ka ba sa babaeng ito, Trevor?” Timothy's head whipped on the side to look at his son's confused and scared face. “Talaga bang minamahal mo ang isang 'to?”
Paul never answered, feeling the fear he's showing from his face. I got the chance to finally look at him, as I slowly lowered my hand. I slowly wiped my tears from my cheeks, and quickly grabbed my bag to get out of there!
“EXELLOR!” I heard him yell, but I continued walking, trying to make my pace faster.
But every step I take, the heavy feeling in my chest worsened. I have to admit, that I felt embarassed, that he has to see it. He doesn't know all of me, that's why I was ready to show everything, but that scene earlier closed that opportunity.
“Exellor! Please! Kausapin mo 'ko!” Paul stopped me from walking as he catched up, holding both my arms.His eyes widened when he got the chance to stare at my eyes.
“Fck, b-bakit k-ka u-umiiyak?” he softly asked.
“You won't understand..”
“H-Hindi. I-Iintindihin k-ko.”
“You can't... I-I know you have questions for me that I can't even answer.”
“Hindi...H-Hindi ganoon...”
Paul was out of voice, and embraced me. His vanilla-scent gave me the feeling of sudden nostalgia. I remembered how he made me rose from my seat just to hug me.
Another tear fell.
His hug is tight, like he didn't want to let me go. Like he wants to hug me forever. I closed my eyes and let everything consume me. Happiness, nostalgia, anger, grief, sorrow, and guilt. Before, I could contain them but it seems, Paul made me... vunerable.
Before, I was numb. I was numb of these things, and the only thing I've waited for, is to find the truth, so I could rest from my colorless world. But when he came, he showed me the things that I already forgot. Made me the kid I was. Happiness was in his aura. Even though I know he could frown, my mind couldn't find out how would he do that, 'cause all I've seen within him, was happiness.
Seeing him in fear changed every feeling I have. They all got mashed-up.
Using all the strength I have left, I slowly broke the hug, making him look at me.
“This won't end well, Paul.”
His forehead creased. “W-What do you mean?”
“Y-You don't know all of me... And I-it'll be a bother to know everything... You'll only get hurt...”
“What? N-No, no, you're not a bother. Nasa isip mo lang iyan Exellor.”
“It is... believe me... try asking me why I just pointed some sharp knife to your own father? Why do I have scars everyday? Why do I have to chase the syndicates that made Dad crazy? Why am I an illegal child of Rayanne? Why do I have to keep it a secret to everyone? Why.. Why do I have to lie...”
He was silenced, as his soft eyes never left me, trying to read any emotions that it has in there. I already stopped crying, but that didn't made me feel any better from the heavy feeling. From the pain. From the anger. From the guilt.
“... Why do I have to hurt you?” I whispered out of nowhere. I saw how his eyes widened. His lips pursed, like he wants to say something, but he can't. After the long silence, my hands tried to remove his hands that held my arms for so long. And it that moment, it is like I was stronger than him. He looked so lifeless.
“Hindi ako magsasawang kilalanin ka..” finally, he spoke, his voice almost broken.
“I'm a complicated thing. I made your life so complicated that it should've not been like that...” finally, some impulse made me hold my breath to say something that I don't know if I'll regret or no...
“I don't deserve you...”
I quickly turned around, and left him.
“Exellor!” he called out my name, but I kept my head from turning back. No, I need to fix myself first. If he believes in destiny, then let's try it.
Destiny... be my guide for my life is crumbling... I just want to stare at the sky... but everytime there are stars... they will remind me of him... I can play with you, and so you can too...
***
It's been days... weeks since that night. And it's been hard for me to redeem myself.
“So, class, we will be having our field trip for next week!” Mr. Santos announced, immediately followed by the cheer of students inside the classroom. He quickly notioned them to be silent.
I was back with my own self, befriended by silence. For once, I wasn't confortable with silence. But slowly, it helped me get up with my own life.
“DUDE! NA-E-EXCITE AKO!!” I heard Kylie's excited whisper while listening to Mr. Santos.
I never got the chance to glace at him, 'cause my eyes weren't ready. My eyes weren't ready to stare at Paul's. We were back at strangers.
He became quiet, and now, Jayvee was the one that came back to normal. Sometimes I would catch his stare, and sometimes, he would catch mine. It's like that for weeks. But we never tried to talk to each other.
I'm not used to it. He still gives me free lunch, but things changed. I seldomly visit the fields now, and he doesn't visit it now. I would always go straight home, not minding any wounds or punches that my father would give. Fortunately, knowing that I study at the school where Rayanne is, suddenly, he became attentive, and started talking to me nicely.
“...H-H-How a-are you?” I remember him asking me one time at dinner. I quickly stopped eating, for that's the very question that I was waiting for him to ask. For the longest time, I couldn't feel the pain on my wounds.
When he asked that, I could never get the answer that I wanted. I was not okay with everything.
Paul became a part of everything I do. Everything around me reminds me of him. The sky, the grass, music, smiles... I become tired all of a sudden by just thinking about it...
That's how I love him. I know to myself that I love him.
Rhianne even reminds me of him. For sometime, she tried to apologize to me, but I couldn't talk to her properly. I can see that she's sincere. Her eyes could even apologize.
But I was the one that couldn't get my mind fixed. I'm very tired from all of it.
[PAUL TREVOR'S POV]
I don't deserve you...
Hindi ko makalimutan ang mga linyang iyon, dahil sadyang tumagos iyon sa puso ko. Halu-halong emosyon ang nararamdaman ko dahil sa mga katagang iyon.
Una... para akong nanlumo dahil... hindi pa rin siya nagtitiwala sa akin. Pangalawa... ay kahit papaano'y nagkaroon ako ng saya dahil sa nabigyan ako ng pag-asang patunayan sa kanya na... mahal ko talaga siya.
Nasasaktan ako tuwing makikita ko siya muling mag-isa. Sht!
Noong una, ay pinilit ko siyang kausapin ako pero ang nagagawa niya lang ay ang tumingin at manahimik. Gusto niyang mapag-isa. Sa mga titig pa lang ng mga mata niya, ay parang alam ko na kung ano ang tumatakbo sa isip niya, o kung ano mang gusto niyang sabihin kahit na hindi na niya...sabihin.
Ang daming pinagbago sa nagdaang araw.
Iniiwasan niya ako.
Alam ko iyon. Pero hindi ko alam sa sarili ko kung bakit hindi man lang ako makaramdam ng galit sa ginagawa niya. 'Twing makikita ko siya, nararamdaman ko ang nararamdaman niya. Kaya nga sa ganoong paraan, ay parang naging akong siya.
“Duuude... alam ko may problema ka pero hindi ako sanay sa'yo.” minsang pang nakomento ni Kylie habang kumakain kami ng lunch.
Kahit papaano, nagawa ko pa rin naman siyang bigyan ng lunch araw-araw, at natutuwa ako tuwing kakainin naman niya iyon ng walang pasabi.
“Jusko, puro na lang damo kiyang kinakain mo. Kainin mo na rin yan at baka maging skeleton ka pa niyan.”
Alala ko pa kung paano ko pa siya napapagalitan dahil sa mahilig iyang kumain ng salad.
“You should eat. Come on, you're looking like a skeleton already!”
“That's an exaggeration.”
“It's a metaphor, miss.”
“It's actually a simile, Paul Trevor.”
Napangiti ako sa sandaling ala-ala niyag iyon. Suot-suot niya pa noon ang beanie niyang pula, na ginagawa pala niya para itago ang sugat sa ulo niya.
“Take... my beanie off...”
Ramdam ko ang mga sumisisid niyang mata sa akin ng utusan niya na ako mismo ang magtanggal ng beanie niya. Kahit na sugatan, kita ko kung paano niya pinilit ang sariling hawakan ang kamay ko para magkusa iyong mapunta sa beanie niya.
Gulat ako ng maramdamang basa ang isang pisngi ko. I just... cried. Damn.
“P*ny*ta, kanina ngingiti tapos ngayon iiyak... Nakakatakot...sabihin niyo nga, nagkaroon ba ng bipolar ba si Trev?” rinig ko pang bulong ni Kylie, pero sinuway lang siya ni Greg. Kita ko kung paano ako binigyan ng makahulugang ngiti ni Jay nang magtama ang paningin namin.
Nag-kaayos naman sina Greg at Jayvee sa issue nila kay Kylie. Ngayon ay sumasabay na rin siya sa amin at ayos na rin sila ni Greg, at parang dati na kung makipag-usap at makipag-biruan.
Buti na lamang at kahit papano'y naiintindihan nila ako. Sinabi ko naman sa kanila yung problema at binigyan naman nila ako ng advice para kumalma't umayos kahit papaano.
Dahil nang mga oras na iniwan niya ako sa labas ng bahay, parang pinagbagsak ang langi't lupa sa mundo ko.
Para akong nabaliw na hindi ko malaman. Nasasaktan na nalilito. Kung hindi dahil sa mga kaibigan ko'y baka hindi ako nakapag-isip ng maayos.
Sa hindi rin inaasahan, ay naging ayos rin kami ni Rhianne. Minsan ay nahuli niya akong nakaupo sa bench sa student lounge na malapit sa center ng mismong school. Doon natatanaw halos ang harap ng mga buildings pero medyo tahimik rin dito.
“Hi.” nahihiya pa niyang bati.
Nangiti ako. “Hey.”
“So...” she awkwardly smiled. “I-I'm sorry??”
Bahagya akong tumawa sa biro niya. “Sige na, upo ka na.”
Umupo naman siya sa tabi ko at agad nagawi ang tingin kung saan ako nakatingin. “Hey... you okay?”
Wala akong nagawa kung hindi sabihin ang totoo. “Actually, I'm not.”
“Oo nga e. I heard the news... nabanggit ni Jayvee sa'ken.”
Nanatili kaming tahimik ng napansin ko ang kanina ko pang pagtitig kay Exellor. Wala akong magawa kung hindi bantayan siya sa malayo. Kahit paano'y kampante ako sa kanya... dahil hindi tulad ng mga nakikita ko sa pelikula, ay walang lalaking lumalapit sa kanya at siya mismo ang kusang lumalayo sa tao. Madalas ko siyang makikita sa mga pasulok-sulok lang, na nagsa-soundtrip.
“Talagang hindi ka pa maka-move on ah...” sabi ni Rhianne. Bahagya akong natigilan.
“Sa totoo lang... hindi pa... kami but... it feels like it.”
“Ha? A-Ang gulo naman nun, pero nasaktan ka ah? Kita ko't ramdam ko Trev. Mahal mo talaga siya...”
Hindi na ako nakapagsalita dahil sa wala talaga akong masabi sa lahat. Totoo naman kasi. Ngumiti ako dahil kahit paano'y pinanindigan nga ni Exellor na hindi na muli suotin ang beanie niya, though I miss her wearing that.
Rinig ko ang pagtikhim ni Rhianne. Napalingon tuloy ako sa kanya. “U-Umm... Kaya ako nandito kasi gusto ko humingi ng tawad, Trev. Okay lang naman kung hindi mo ako patawarin pero mawala lang itong bigat ng loob sa nagawa ko ay okay na ako.”
“Look, pinapatawad na kita diyan, nadala ka lang siguro ng emosyon... pero dapat hindi mo na binalak gawin pa iyon. Alam ko, hindi ikaw ang tipo ng taong magaling gumawa ng bagay na ikakasira mo dahil sa laki ng konsensiya mo... Mabait kang tao... Kaya hindi ko na rin nagawang magalit ng ganoon katindi.”
“B-Buti naiintindihan mo 'ko. I just want us to stay as... f-friends.”
“Baka nga naturuan niya ako e. And that's bestfriends.”
Kita ko ang pagkagulat niya. Natawa naman ako ng marahan. “Seryoso. Nakaka-miss ka kaya! Para kumpleto na ulit tayo.”
“Siguro, when I'm ready Trev. Aaminin ko man, hindi ganoon kadali magtanggal ng nararamdaman. Probably everyone hates me.”
“Eh pati na rin kasi si Exellor dinamay mo pa.”
“I know... I'm so stupid that I did that. Sinubukan ko noong humingi sa kanya ng tawad pero... tingin ko wala siyang balak na kausapin ang sinuman, kahit ako pa.”
“I just hope that she'll be okay.”
“Kaya eto lang ang kaya kong gawin, na sa'yo muna humingi ng tawad. Pasensya na sa foundation day ball, p-pasensya na kung lagi kong pinagpuntiryahin si Exellor. I swear I saw within her eyes na gusto na niya akong suntukin ng oras na pinabugbog niya ako... pero para siyang nanghina...”
Nangiti ako. “Ganoon siya e.”
“Kaya sana Trev, 'wag mo siyang susukuan.” mas seryosong tugon niya.
Wala naman akong balak, Rhianne. Don't worry. Sinuklian ko na lang siya ng tango, na agad naman niyang nakuha. Tumagal muli ang katahimikan sa pagitan namin, hanggang sa magtanong muli siya.
“Not to be rude... or jealous pero... bakit mo nagagawang maghintay sa kanya samantalang... parang sinukuan mo ng ganun-ganon na lang?”
“... Kasi alam kong may tiwala ako at tiwala ka sa akin bilang kaibigan. Matagal na kitang nakasama e. Tsaka hindi tulad ng ibang tao, hindi ka mahirap intindihin. Siya, si Exellor... kinailangan kong makuha ang oras para malaman kung anong nasa isip niya. At wala pa doon ang buong katauhan niya. Hindi siya mabilis magtiwala. Para bang nainteres akong pag-aralan siya, hanggang, mahulog na'ko. At nang mangyari iyon, ay mas lalong umigting ang determinsayon ko na dapat magtiwala siya sa akin dahil hindi ko siya sasaktan.”
“So... dahil wala siyang tiwala sa'yo?”
“....dahil naniniwala siyang sinasaktan niya ako.”
Masakit ang paglabas ng ngiti ko sa ma nasabi ko. Totoo... na nasasaktan niya ako pero... parang ang kapalit naman noon ay ang katotohanan.
“Alam mo Trev...” panimula ni Rhianne, at maigi akong tinitigan. “... kailangan mo siyang makausap. Kung gusto mo, sama kayo sa Nueva Ecija field trip natin.”
Oo nga pala! Yung field trip! I almost forgot!
“Eh diba pang junior high-school iyon?”
“Yes... pero may mga ilan-ilang section sa Senior High na naka-scheduled para sa dalawang places para mag-field trip. Yung iba, halos sa Manila, swerte lang ng ICT dahil napadpad sa Nueva Ecija, pero nakadepende kung sasama ang bawat isa. May waiver rin kasi.” ngiting ngiting sabi niya, at nakuha pang ngumisi.
Kumunot ang noo ko dahil sa iniasta niya. “Oy Rhianne ano nanaman bang plano mo diyan?”
“Sumali siya.” bulong pa niya na parang maririnig sa di-kalayuan. Kahit hindi niya sabihin ay alam ko kung sino ang tinutukoy niya.
“And... I think it's a great idea since may balak akong pa-extension ng field trip para sa mga gusto pang magbakasyon na rin sa Ecija, nag-paalam na 'ko kay Mama.”
“T-Talaga?!”
“Hmm... At kung magtatanong ka, nalibre na 'ko ni Mama kahit hindi ko sabihin...” natatawang sabi pa niya at tumayo. “Aalis na 'ko... kahit iyan na muna ang magawa ko para sa inyo. Hindi pa ito sapat para maging sorry sa lahat ng nagawa ko. Pero eto ang kakayanin ko para sa'yo at para sa kanya.”
Nagpaalam na siya't tuluyan nang tumuloy sa loob ng office, at nawala sa paningin ko. Kasabay noon ang bigla kong paglingon sa harapan, at nalamang wala na rin si Exellor sa paningin ko.
Napabuntong-hininga ako bago tumayo.
Papatunayan ko ang lahat ng kaya kong patunayan. Hindi mo kailangang matakot at magsisi, dahil nandito ako para sa'yo.