AN: Listen to the song.......... Seriously, it's not a suggestion.
Mr. M's POV: ~Couple o' Days before the Wedding~
Left. Right. Left. Right. Turn.
Left. Right. Left. Right. Turn.
Turn. Turn. Turn. Turn.
The faster I spin the more I can pretend I'm not in my damaged office. The more I can give into sensation instead of thinking.
A knock on my door makes me instantly halt.
The immediate stop makes my head swim but I refuse to show it to her.
"What do you want?" I hiss through clenched teeth. It's taking all my will power not to hold out my arms to keep my balance. Vertigo is a bitch.
"I've been calling you. What type of husband doesn't answer when his wife calls?"
"Ex-wife." I correct while straightening my already straight posture. It never does anyone any favors to be slouching while involved in a sudden gunfight.
It's never escalated to physical damage and yet we always accrue more scars.
She looks comfortable leaning against my door frame. Almost like it's her right to be there. Except she's clearly unaware of my line drawn in the sand, the one that she cannot cross. She will stay on the outside peering in. We both know that I won't react nicely if she steps into my space, so she's making herself comfortable in my periphery.
She wants me to start this conversation but I refuse. Instead move to adjust my cuff link, only to feel nothing.
Surprised, I look down and notice that I'm in a long sleeve shirt, sweatpants, and sneakers. When was the last time I dressed so casually going to my office?
I'm not naive enough to say never, I have my days like everyone else-but those days are rare.
An eclipse type of rare.
I notice it in the corner of my eye but I don't move to doge the projectile.
Pain is nothing new to me.
I don't even tense up, the object doesn't even weigh a fourth of a pound. I hold it to my chest and look at the soft material.
"I figure that since you've already been in my panties, you might want to keep a pair. It also serves as a great way to get your attention." The mischief in her eyes makes my throat tighten.
Years of getting that exact look creep to the forefront of my mind and I have to fight the nostalgia, it's already gotten me in trouble once.
"What happened was a mistake." I want the elephant out of the room.
"What was? The sex or you screaming her name and not mine?" A silent challenge is handed out. We both know what I regret but we both also know that I feel bad for my outburst.
"I was hurting Nash." I sigh out.
"You still are." She sounds concerned.
"And? It's not your problem." I don't drop my heavy shoulders but I do sit down in my chair. Standing tall is great only in short doses.
Nash takes a step into the room but a quick glare from me has her stepping back.
I'm broken, not stupid.
"Let me in." She quietly begs. Nash could never have anyone hear her sound anything other than authoritative.
I watch her silently. There is no debate in my head, she will never get close to me again.
"Do you ever visit him?" I ask just as quiet. I bear the pain in my heart, noting that time has dulled it by a small fraction.
Her face does an instant transformation from concerned and heartbreaking to devastation.
"I didn't think so."
Now Nash is heavily leaning on the door frame, it may be the only thing holding her up right now or she's a great actress.
"Senior..." Her voice cracks.
I push to stand on my feet so fast that my chair hits the wall. I don't stop my forward momentum until I'm nearly right in front of her. My barrier protects her from my face to face wrath. If I cross it, she'll take it as her cue to do so too whenever she feels like I do.
"Don't. Fucking. Call. Me. That. Again." Each breath makes me angrier. My personal trainer will feel my rage later on today, I decide.
Poor Bastard.
I focus back on her and Nash is shaking in her spot now. I guess she must now know the strength of a man's anger, because never once before we split did she cower to my presence in an argument.
She never had a reason to.
I step back and I see the relief flood into her features. My eyes drink this in because its been decades since I've seen something so unscripted from Nash. Something raw.
"I'm sorry" She stutters out, her confidence is slow to rebuild itself.
"I don't care." I snap utterly done.
"Don't act like what we have has turned into dust." She snaps back.
"We both needed something that night, I'll give you that. I wanted someone familiar and you-what did you get out of our fucking?" I ask curiously trying to get her back onto familiar territory with me.
Her cheeks turn pink at my crudeness but she can now hold my glare.
"Besides the one release?"Nash sneers.
Her taunt is targeted at my ego but I brush it off.
"You weren't even supposed to get that. I was trying to be completely selfish but then I felt bad for getting off with your body but with someone else in my head."
She's not ready for my response and visibly flinches at my verbal arsenal. I want to feel guilty but somehow I can't manage it.
"Just leave me alone Nash and I promise that it won't happen again. I promise to never call- hell, I'll even lose your number. We don't work anymore, we can't change what happened or the scars we have from it."
"We can help each other, be there for each other." She quips.
"Like we were supposed to do in the first place?"
I get no verbal answer but her posture shows her inner pain and remorse.
"We can't heal each other." I state firmly knowing that I'm right.
Suddenly I know in my cracked heart who I want to heal with and for. Who can help me build without wanting anything out of it. Who won't judge me for not always being her rock. Someone who can instead be my rock and not crumble under my burdens.
The one person who seamlessly evaded my worst triggers and made camp in my frontal lobe. She made it so that I couldn't go long without wondering what she's doing or when I'd see her next.
The one woman I was willing to settle down with.
I look back at Nash and I find her staring hard at my face.
"You've never had that look on your face when we were together." Her whisper answers my silent question.
I keep my mouth shut because I honestly don't know how to respond.
"You were thinking of her. Already knowing that she's getting married."
This time, I'm the one to flinch.
Nash holds up her hand and I take the folded up white paper from within it.
"You'll be cutting it close." She sobs out before walking away.
I don't even register moving until I almost fall while running to my car. Luckily my remote start keys were already in my pocket, so my car is instantly opens for me.
I look at the address and immediately know that it's going to take me nearly a day to get there and even that's nonstop.And my chances are blown to hell if I get pulled over for speeding.
But I have to get there, she has to know the me behind the mask. I have to tell her...
she has to know how I feel before sealing her fate with someone else.
~
A smarter man would've booked a flight, but the thought alone made me restless. At least during the drive I felt like I was doing something.
I walk into the cabin styled hotel without luggage or a care. My body is buzzing with exhaustion but I can't focus on that now.
The sheet Nash gave me even has her door number on it.
I book one of the last rooms in this place and make my way to to her. On the drive I went over every scenario in my head.
Except the one where her door would be locked.
I pull at the knob and then shake the door as I get more frustrated. I hear someone across the hall moving around and on instinct I slap the door to get her attention.
A female yells for me to stop without ever leaving her room and I realize that this isn't how I want Phoebe to see me. Sweaty and sleep deprived are not at all sexy or alluring.
I back away from the door and head for the stairwell, climbing the stairs up to the next floor where my room is. My body suddenly feels like lead weights have been anchored onto every muscle.
I hear some commotion going on but I can't find the energy to pay attention, exhaustion tugs at my crumbling energy. I just barely make it into my room's bed before collapsing.
~
I wake up confused as to where I am. Nothing looks familiar to me and this bed is too fluffy to be mine.
When I remember, I shoot up and look at the time.
It's one a.m.
I debate on whether or not I should try her room again until I remember that tonight is her bachelorette party. Maybe I can catch her alone, just for a second.
While taking a shower, I decide to find more clothes for myself while in town. I have no doubt that that's where they are because this hotel has nothing to entertain people with besides a great view that can only be seen in the light of day.
Driving through the town, I make a mental list of all the bars she could be at before hunting down a 24 hour store that sells cheap clothing. I also take note of a suit shop that opens in a couple of hours.
The town surprisingly has a lot of bars considering its small population.
While in the second bar I find a part of the wedding party, but not the one that I'm looking for.
I stand still as Ross walks by me without one look of recognition. I want to hit him, to yell at him, to curse him, but I don't do any of that.
Instead I pay for two rounds of shots for him and his guys.
A hungover groom is a late groom.
Stepping out of the bar, I tilt my head to listen out for female chatter. The roads are quiet so I can safely assume that they either left already or are still in some bar.
I almost give up in the last bar before I see her.
She's obviously drunk but not so obviously with the wedding party. Her back is to the females celebrating and she's talking to herself. I slowly make my way to face her, it feels like another dream.
I won't survive if I'm just dreaming up all of this.
"Ah! My ghost! You've made it to the party!" Phoebe screeches.
I say nothing and just let her blabber.
"I wasn't sure if you'd make it." She gushes.
Hope springs up in my heart at her wanting to see me.
"Wait. It's a good sign that I've seen you three times before the wedding right? Kinda like Christmas expect you're the ghost of ex's past? But then again, weren't all the ghosts different?" Most of her words are slurred but I get the jist of them.
"Phoebe, I-" I stop because suddenly she starts bawling.
"You haven't spoken to me before. Is this really it? Will I never see you again?"
I quickly take her drunken form into my embrace and gently rock her. Knowing that I can never let her go again.
"I love you." I say aloud not looking down in fear of breaking apart her happy wedding.
Phoebe doesn't say anything, she doesn't even move.
And that's because she fell asleep against my chest.
~~
It's been so long since I've been able to sleep without drinking that I don't become aware of my surroundings until I hear my hotel door closing behind a fleeing Phoebe.
AN: Do NOT start requesting an update until next week. I'm not sure if this made sense and sorry for rushing it along. I'm just sssssooooo ready to be done.