everything now by arcade fire
"Say it again," Justin's raspy voice echoed through me, his soft lips pushed up against my ear.
I pulled his dampened hair between my fingers as he moved in and out of me, my thighs burning from riding him. A groan fell from my lips before I said the words he so desperately needed to hear from me.
"I love you, Justin," I panted, my chest repeatedly hitting against his as we rhythmically moved together. "I've always loved you. I'll never stop loving you."
My hands were frantic. My mind was, too. I couldn't believe I was able to say those words to Justin. I never thought it'd be possible, but I loved him. I loved him so much for so long. I'd never love anyone else the way I loved him.
His hand wrapped itself in my hair to pull my head back, allowing me to look into his eyes. The eyes I loved. The face I loved. The man I loved. The man I would always love.
"I'll never get tired of hearing that, Kennedy," he moaned, his pace quickening. I cried out, feeling as if I was about to release any second. It was his voice. The raspy, sexy, breathy voice saying only my name had the potential to bring me over the edge. "I'll never get tired of it. I waited so long."
"Justin," I moaned when his lips nipped at the nape of my neck. One of his hands slid down between my legs, massaging me as we fucked endlessly. It was hot. Sexy. Lusty. It was love. It was dirty, but it was love. Our love.
He moved up and kissed my lips hard. His tongue was greedy to meet mine again, supplying me with a searing kiss that I'd always remember.
"I fucking love you, Kennedy Nolan," he murmured into my mouth for the first time.
Yeah, you read that right.
Remember the time he told me he loved fucking me? Read that again. He fucking loved me.
Justin Bieber loved Kennedy Nolan, and she loved him right back.
My body trembled, my orgasm coursing through me solely from his words. The highly skilled fucking was just an added bonus, of course. It was his voice that brought me to come.
With my fingers digging into his shoulders and lips firmly pressed against his, I rode out the high he had given me. He immediately followed, filling me instantly.
"Oh my god," I huffed, then squealed softly when he fell back and rolled on top of me. He smiled and kissed my lips repeatedly. "I love you, Justin. I do."
His index finger traced my damp forehead as his eyes locked on mine, searching them as if they had the fucking cure for cancer in them. It was so intimate and sensual. Everything about us was top of the line. I couldn't ask for better.
"You are so beautiful," he hummed, observing my slightly sweating body that was beneath him. "You're beautiful beneath me, you were beautiful at the party, and you were even beautiful when you were crying. I don't know how you do it."
Biting my lip, I couldn't help but blush. He was so blatant with his thoughts, and I loved it. I knew wha he was saying was always the truth. It was raw and real. It was never fabricated or sugarcoated.
He rolled me over again, putting me on top of him. I pulled the blankets over us, comforted by his warm skin against me. His thumbs stroked my back while my hands explored his face for the millionth time. The softness of his lips, the rigid jawline, the tired bags beneath his stunning brown eyes— they were irresistible.
"You're not so bad yourself," I kissed his nose, receiving a smile from him.
"Not bad, huh?"
I shook my head. "Not bad at all. Actually, you're beautiful, too."
"You think I'm beautiful?" he fluttered his eyelashes teasingly at me.
I laughed, kissing his lips once softly. "Of course I do. Boys can be beautiful. I mean, you have the prettiest eyes I've ever seen and one of the most genuine personalities. I love your lips. I love touching them. I love kissing them. I love the way you look at me. You get this look in your eye. I can't explain it, but I love it."
"You're the first person to ever call me beautiful," he squeezed me. "But coming from you, I'll take it."
We fell asleep once the sun began coming up. It was Saturday, after all. We had the whole day to stay in bed if that was what we really wanted. While I was okay with that, Justin had other ideas. I didn't argue his plans. Anything with him automatically meant a good day for me.
He was pulling me out the front door by three o'clock that afternoon after he nearly begged me to get dressed. I followed instruction— eventually— but had no idea what his intentions were for the sunny May afternoon.
Justin's speciality was not telling me where we were going. It thrilled him to know that I was clueless about his ideas. It gave him some kind of power high, which I let him have. I liked surprises, anyways.
We started our afternoon kayaking. It was something I never expected to do with Justin, or anyone, for that matter, but he told me it was a "must" in the city. If I didn't do it, I wasn't a real New York-er. I went along with him, finding great joy in it. The sun was on our side that day, giving us such beautiful views of the open water as we paddled around.
Soon after, we went to Bryant Park for dinner. They had multiple food stands set up around the perimeter, and I couldn't stop myself from choosing ice cream. The best part about being an adult is having whatever you want for dinner, including ice cream.
Just like everyone else, we sat on a blanket next to each other under the evening sun. We talked about everything. We acted like giddy teenagers, especially when I stuck my finger in my ice cream cone and smeared it on Justin's lips. He was shocked when he looked at me, then pulled me in by the back of my neck to kiss me. I tasted my strawberry ice cream on his lips, the sweetness not even comparing to the taste of his lips. I giggled softly as we kissed, not minding that we were acting like we were seventeen.
"They have a movie thing here tonight," Justin declared, looking down at his watch. "They set up a huge projector screen and play some old movies. Do you want to stay?"
I nodded excitedly. "Of course. It's such a beautiful day. I don't want to be stuck inside. I don't want to miss out on this weather."
"Everyday is beautiful with you in it," he grinned.
I leaned in, brushing my nose over his softly. "You're so mushy."
"Mushy?" he chuckled.
"Yeah. Mushy," I kissed his lips warmly, missing them from just an hour ago.
It was crazy to see how quickly Justin and I fell into our own little bubble again. We were in it once before, and it was such a comfortable place to be. When we were together, no one else mattered. It was just us, and it was so comforting. In our bubble, I was so reliant on him. He was my protector, and I was not vulnerable for saying that. I was still the strong Kennedy who believed in the fierceness of women all over, only I had Justin. He was the recurring factor.
Nate was good at letting me be an independent person, too. He knew I liked to be strong; I didn't like vulnerability. It didn't suit me well, unless it was for Justin. Nate respected my ideologies, and allowed me to be the person I was comfortable being.
Speaking of Nate, he had called me a few times and texted me after my frantic phone call from the night before. I texted him back, simply telling him I was drunk and I had turned a little sloppy. It was partially true; I'd tell him everything when the time was right.
As for telling him about moving out, I wasn't sure what I'd do. While I knew he'd be financially stable without me, I still felt guilty. He was my best friend in the city. We did everything together. He did everything for me. I didn't want it to seem like I was bailing on him or ditching him out of my own selfishness. Then again, I needed to be selfish. I deserved to be selfish for a little while. I deserved to be genuinely happy.
Dirty Dancing played on the giant projector once it was dark out. I sat between Justin's legs, my back leaning up against him. His arms were around me so comfortably, and if I hadn't been so infatuated with the movie I had seen sixteen times, I'd have fallen asleep. The innocent neck kisses that came and went every few moments kept me reeling as well.
That was one of the most amazing days I had ever had. It was sunny, I was told I was loved over and over, I was kissed, I was held, I was adventurous, and it was all with Justin. It was a dream come true. Descriptions with heavy detail couldn't do it justice. It was one of those things that I only wanted to cherish with him, and I planned to.
The day came to a close once the movie ended. Justin drove us back to his apartment, the whole way we had the windows down and we were singing to the radio as loudly as we could. It all felt too good to be true, but it wasn't. I was there and so was he. We were living our best moments with each other, and it couldn't have been any more perfect.
Justin was removing his watch, placing it on his dresser when I snaked my arms around him from behind and rested the side of my face on his back.
By then, I was already in my clothes for bed. One of his shirts sufficed.
"Thank you for today," I hummed, kissing his back through his shirt. I felt complete standing there like that. "It was easily my favorite."
He turned in my arms, his fingers swiping over my face to tuck my hair behind my ears. "Anything for my beautiful girl."
I scrunched my nose, hanging onto him as if I was attached. I was, actually. I was completely obsessed with him, minor flaws and all. It was a love I just couldn't get enough of.
"Do you really want to stay with me?" he suddenly asked, going back on our conversation about me moving in.
My eyes widened. "Yeah, of course. Unless you don't want me to, because I'll—"
"No!" he laughed, pulling me close. "I just wanted to hear you say it."
"It's going to be hard with work," I murmured, my eyes falling. "I don't know when I'll ever see you."
He nodded, tracing his fingertip over my hairline softly to bring me comfort. It worked. "I know."
"And what about you? I can't have you coming to get me every night at two in the morning when you have to be awake so early. What if it doesn't work, Justin? I mean, I'd be such a burden to you if—"
"Kennedy, stop," Justin exhaled. "It's going to work. I'm going to make it work. I told you, I'm not losing you again. That's not an option."
I paused, unsure if I should have told him. Then again, if I wanted us to work and be happy, I needed to be truthful, even if it caused some tension. I'd thank myself later.
"Justin, I've been looking for other jobs," I confessed. He looked confused, probably because I seemed so happy with what I was doing. "I can't be what I am and be with you, too. It just wouldn't work."
"Yes it would," he shook his head. "It's gone well so far, right?"
"But I was off all week. You haven't lived with me when I'm actually working. It's different, Justin. You're a doctor, and I'm— you know."
Something was happening to me. I suddenly felt uncomfortable saying the word, and I wondered if I was ashamed. I didn't want to be. I loved my job, but why was I becoming so much less confident with it?
I know why. Fucking Kayla.
If it weren't for Kayla, I'd never have second guessed anything. It may have never crossed my mind for a second. As much as I disliked her, she was so right. A doctor and a stripper? That would never work.
"Where is this coming from?" he asked, continuously holding me. I appreciated it. It was nice to feel safe while I was talking about something that genuinely sat wrong with me. "You brought this up last night before the party, too. What's going on?"
I shook my head. I didn't want to tell him it was his ex-girlfriend that shook me to the core with her jabs. It wasn't like me to be bothered by something someone said, but I couldn't stop myself from it.
Earlier that week, I had a dream about Justin and I talking about the journal and him kissing me shortly after. One part of it struck me more than the kiss, though, and it was the part where I said that the life I was living wasn't the one I wanted to live. I was "a pole dancer with an associates degree."
Perhaps my dream was showing what I really felt about myself, and Kayla was the trigger.
"I'm just being realistic."
"But this isn't you," he interjected. "You were so comfortable with yourself before, and then—" he paused, realization hitting him like a train. Darkness flashed over his eyes instantly. "It was Kayla wasn't it?"
I swallowed hard. "No, I just—"
"It was," he interrupted. "Ever since that day she came here and said that shit, your confidence has been shaken. Did she tell you that? Did she tell you we couldn't be together because of our jobs?"
I couldn't lie. I nodded.
He sighed, clearly aggravated by her. "Kennedy, don't listen to her. She doesn't know what she's talking about."
"She's not wrong. How can you and I be together? I'd be such an embarrassment to you."
"Don't say that."
"It's true. I just want you to be proud of me like you were in high school," I murmured. "Back when I used to care about my future and about who I'd be. I gave it all up when you left, because it didn't matter. Nothing mattered to me, and it showed. Look how I ended up."
Both of his hands held my face. "I am proud of you. I told you. You're so smart and confident and comfortable with yourself."
"But what if I don't want to be this anymore? What if I don't want to be that girl?"
"That's fine, but do it for you. Not for me, or Kayla, or my friends, or your family. Do it because you want it. It won't get you very far if you do it for someone else. Be selfish."
I nodded. He was so intuitive, so smart. Everything he ever said to me was always something I took to heart. He gave excellent advice for every situation, and I cherished every bit of it.
"What did I tell you before?" he asked, pulling my attention up to him again. "I don't ever want to hear you doubting yourself again."
I pressed my lips together, nodding again. He was right. I needed to pull it together and bring back the confident, strong Kennedy that I fell in love with. Falling in love with yourself was so important, and I needed to take my own advice. Justin's too.
"I still want a new job, though," I softly admitted. "I think it's time to be a grown up."
He kissed me on the forehead. "As long as you do it for you, then I'll support you every step of the way. I'll sit right next to you while you make your resumé and apply to places, and I'll even see if I know anyone looking. We'll figure this out, alright?"
I smiled. I believed him.
a/n: kinda short....lil bit of a filler but also kinda not???? fuckin Kayla man......
please vote ily 💞