This wasn't healthy. I knew Prem would only bring on these feelings. He had been my best friend, but whenever he came to mind, I remembered his brother who I had loved first. The boy who I compared every guy to. It was stupid but it was the way my mind worked.
I guess I still loved Raj. But I didn't want him. Just thinking that gave me anxiety. I liked James.
James was cute and funny, but Raj was so mysterious and sexy.
Raj managed to make me smile with just his presence. Raj had this amazing curly black hair. His glasses only made him look hotter, rather than nerdy. He had muscles like James, but even though he wasn't bulky, he was buff. He wasn't that overly muscle. He had just enough.
But it was different from how James was built. James was more lean. He loved to smile, but I never really hear him outright laugh. He prefers a more subdued way for everything. He's trustworthy rather than mysterious. He's the sort of guy who you can depend on.
Everything was a jumble. I couldn't keep comparing the two like this. James didn't deserve this. Not right now. I just didn't know how to stop thinking about the moments I had shared with Raj.
When he'd stare at me from across a room and wait for me to turn before turning away.
He used to make sure to brush past me whenever he could.
When our temple had hosted a play, he and I were supposed to be husband and wife. When our director told us this, we didn't say a word but you could tell he was just as happy as I was.
I knew when he was nervous or scared or happy. It was to a young naive me, fate.
When I was forced to be partners with Vikram at temple, Raj thought we'd get paired up. I ended up pairing with a guy who went to my soon-to-be high school. And Raj knew this. He wasn't too happy.
Raj wanted to fight and had started but couldn't without giving away what we were.
These moments had reinforced my notion that he and I were something special. But maybe it was just a stupid obsession made up by a young girl aching for a cute love story.
Until school started, I recited Only James. And the problem was that none of my friends knew about this. I hand't told Sarah because she didn't know much about Raj and Prem.
vanessa and my old friends didn't approve of my unhealthy relationship with Prem after we had floated apart months ago. They'd be pissed off I was back to Raj too.
They liked me and James. It was cute, no complications. It was the relationship I needed after my love issues.
And the thing is that even if I told anyone, how could I explain something even I didn't understand?