"I FUCKED UP."
"You know what–scratch that. I fucked her."
Pleasantries, when it came to Dr Dufre and I, were overrated. Besides, nothing struck his attention like a good opening. And hell did I strike his attention. He pulled away from his sandwich reluctantly.
"Why do I even bring lunch?" He wonders softly before motioning towards the chairs.
"Please explain, but I beg of you, be less crude," Dr Dufre said and I nod.
Well, I would certainly try.
"Does this have something to do with the dress again?" He asks.
"Worse!"
"Worse than the godforsaken shirt?" He says incredulously.
"Federico."
This was more of a bridge to the real crux of the story. The main point was the fact that I slept with her. My overall attractiveness seems to have made her bend all of her morals.
The moment I woke up naked I regretted everything. I had taken her innocence and ruined it, snuffed out the light. It could not get worse than me. I the enigmatic but dangerous bad boy in all of the cliche high school stories. I was the playboy who rode a motorcycle that he seemed to fix himself even though he could have bought himself a thousand mechanics.
I was every parent's nightmare. And yet, hers thought it would a good idea to marry her off to me as if we were in the eighteenth century.
I had never resented sleeping with a woman before. I loved the feeling and they always welcomed me into the safe confines of their bedroom. And yes, Violetta had not backed away. Even when I asked her; giving her one last chance to not make the biggest mistake of her life.
"Do you regret the feeling?" Of course, Dr Dufre was very specific with his words.
Sometimes I played with the idea of lying to him. But then I would remember that he knew every inch of my brain as if he had taken an expedition inside of it. Maybe he had?
"I do not that regret that. It was like there were fireworks exploding in my brain each second I touched her. The entire world was gone and all that mattered was the feeling of her under me. The feelings of her body was my hands never left it once during the entire experience.
"It was if I was no longer human and my senses were heightened. Every single second was greater than the last and all I knew, when my brain was fuzzy and buzzing with firecrackers, was that I wanted the moment to last forever. So no, I would never take any of it back," I said and he nods, taking down notes in his little notebook.
"Do you wish that you had those feelings during the intimates moments with somebody else?"
"When it started, not at all. I felt proud that, despite the obvious signs that Federico was better for her than me even though she had only known him for give or take an hour, she chose me. She chose the man with the terrible past and probably terrible future. She chose the heartless jerk.
"Have I mentioned that I am her first? Even if we somehow manage to get out of this stupid deal, one day when she is asked who was her first: she will say me. She will say Diego Hernandez and the words may be laced with venom.
"But in the first moments, in fact, during the whole actual sex part, I was happy it was her. I was glad that the first person who managed to make my head explode was a wonderful, lovely person. And for just a moment, I thought maybe I could deserve her and all of her purity and love.
"And then it ended and she fell asleep. I whispered a few last things to her before I was left alone with my thoughts. And then the floodgates opened and guilt rushed in.
"And then, I hated myself. I hated that I felt such mind-blowing sensations when I had never felt them with any other girl and I hated that I pulled her innocence away as if it was a cord. I tainted her pure heart and I will never forgive myself," I said and Dr Dufre nods. He opens his mouth before stopping himself. He nods slightly to himself before speaking.
"Federico."
My blood boiled at the mere mention of his name. I stretch out my fingers to try and keep them from clenching into fists.
"I abhor him with every single fibre in my body. Every emotion that I can feel, I channel into hatred towards him. It is as if I learnt to hate just so that I could loathe him one day. He may take my job away from me and now he has to steal my fiance as well.
"I do not like that he was in my house, that he was in the same room as Violetta and I certainly do not like the way she looked at him. She already thought the world of him and she just met him.
"But you know what the worst thing is? The fact that I fear him deep down. That somewhere inside of me I believe he may just be a better candidate for the CEO job and that he would Violetta happy in a way that I never could. I hate that I have to compete with him," I let out a deep breath as I finish. Saying all of that seemed to take a weight off of my shoulders.
I never liked to admit when I felt intimidated. I always wanted to feel in power in a situation. I liked the feeling of control. But with Federico, I could feel it slowly slipping through my fingers and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
"You care about her?" Dr Dufre asks.
"Fuck, I think I do. I even told her but she may have been asleep. I was so overcome with jealousy that I told her we kissed the night before. It was also a perfect opening for me to jump in and kiss her again. And hell, did we kiss.
"I need that reassurance that she is my fiance even though I cannot give her the same. It is selfish of me to expect her to not get involved with other men when I am with other women. But I just need her to. I need her to be a constant in my life and the fact that I require that from her is an indication that I do care about her.
"I care enough to hate myself for being her first time. I swore to myself to never be a girl's first because it is supposed to special. A woman should expect something from her first and it should be beautiful and special. I cannot provide that so I never wanted to steal that from somebody. And now I have done this to Violetta," I groan and bury my face in my hands.
It just sounded worse as I continued.
"Violetta is a smart girl and I am sure that she knows that a first time is special. Maybe she knew exactly what she was doing when she decided to let you be her first. Maybe you are special to her," Dr Dufre said.
Me? Special to her?
I smiled.
I hope you enjoyed it! I'm not sure how much descriptions are but I hope that everything I think is properly said.
This is another huge step in their relationship so I hope it was entertaining to read it from his perspective!
Thanks for reading 🙈 Sorry for any errors 💚
~Lexy 😈