Today I woke up feeling super sad. I would have seen my best friend, but she lives 1000 kilometres away. I had to move to this town a while ago. I don't have anyone that I feel close enough with that I could just pour my heart out to.
I miss my best friend. She always made me feel better about my life and about myself in general.
Now, I feel so sad. I wasn't expecting to see Alex today or anything. But he just showed up, unannounced.
He finds me crying and so obviously, he comforts me, but wants to know what exactly is up, you know.
"My mom divorced my dad a few years ago, around my 13th birthday. I was only hurt because I had to find out from someone else and I was living with her. She decided to keep quiet about it, but kept bringing this man into the house."
So I start explaining exactly what happened over the years.
He was a dark man in complextipn and chubby. I didn't like him one bit, but I was used to my mom bringing strange men into the house, even while she was married to my dad. See she didn't live with him. She lived far away from him because she "couldn't find a job around the place where he lived", but I know she just couldn't stand to be close to him for too long. They were never good for each other; I honestly don't know how they fell in love in the first place. My dad is not a bad person or anything, but they are just not good together. They are too different.
Back then, I preffered to stay with mommy, while my other siblings lived with daddy. I just got along with her that's all. We would fight a lot though, because we had the same type of personality, but I still preferred living with her.
The first time I had seen a strange man in our house was when I was seven. She said, "He's just a colleague of mine" for all of them. Damn, how many male colleagues does one have? I just went with it. If her doing that made her happy, then alright. It was a bit traumatizing though, I admit, watching them have sex at that age.
Mom and I went to a hotel and there were two beds in the bedroom. She told me to sleep on the one, by myself and that she would sleep on the other one. That was odd because she usually slept with me on the same bed. So anyways, I fell asleep, but I heard sounds that woke me up. I opened my eyes, only to scar me for life. It was dark, but I could still see what was happening between her and that man. There was so much action hey, the kissing, the touching, the grabbing, the sucking, the riding, the moaning, all the positions. After that evening, nothing she did ever surprised me again.
I guess she was finally over pretending to love my dad when she divorced him. He was completely shattered though. He loved her so much, still does. He is a pastor so he doesn't believe in divorces, but she had made her mind up.
I don't know why, but he would always talk to me about his heartbreak. He has other children, older children. I didn't want to hear that. I knew too much about what she had done behind his back, but I couldn't tell him. I knew so much about that marriage, I swear I was the third spouse.
So my cousin called me and she was like, "Savannah. I am so sorry about your parents getting a divorce."
I was like, "What? A divorce? What are you talking about?"
So that was when I found out. I was so hurt. Not about the fact that they were getting a divorce, I mean come on, that was bound to happen. But that she didn't tell me and I had to find out from someone else who lived in a completely different country, while I lived in the same damn house. I didn't confront her though; I decided to wait to see how long she would take to talk.
She took two months to tell me. I noticed that instead of bringing different men into the house, it was just that one - the dark, chubby man that I didn't like. That was so annoying because he wanted to talk to me all the time and tried to make me like him. He would give me money and buy me things. I mean, I took the things, but still. When are people going to learn that you can't buy one's love?
I decided to try to give him a chance, only for her though, because we had a little emotional moment about it.
Basically, she was driving me to school one morning and she said she didn't like my attitude towards that man.
I asked, "What did I do?"
"Yesterday evening, when he was finished with his food, you didn't take his plate to the kitchen for him."
Wow.
"Oh sorry mom. I didn't notice that he was finished, probably. I finished eating before him and I left to do my homework. I wasn't even in the same room as the two of y'all."
Like really though, what the hell was that?
"You were supposed to take his plate to the kitchen! That was so disrespectful of you."
"Mom, I have never done this for you, or any other man that came to the house. I didn't know it was a requirement. I'm sorry that I didn't get the memo. Is that what I should do from now on? Take everyone's plates? Then fine. I will, but you can't expect me to read your mind about what you need me to do. You need to tell me, which is what you usually do, so I don't know what the problem is now."
"Savannah!"
Mind you, I said that with no attitude, trust me. I was being genuine and sincere. So I don't know why she started tripping.
"Mom?"
She started to tear up, "You will not talk to me like that! You need to accept that your father and I are over and we will never fix things! This man is the man in my life now, accept him."
Seeing her cry made me cry, "I honestly don't care that you and dad are over mom. It never felt like you were ever married anyways. Mom I just met this man. Can you please just give me a second to take all of this in and get used to him?"
So she agreed and I agreed to be more 'respectful'. I still didn't like him, but I had to be fake around him, just for her. I hate being fake.
One day, I had just woken up and so I went to the kitchen and bumped into him. He said, "Morning" and flicked my boob. He touched my boob with his nasty hands and that nasty look on his face! I looked at him in shock and disgust. He flicked my damn boob and my mom saw that and said nothing!
What the hell is that? No that is disgusting behaviour and now I must respect you? That's crap.
Then an hour passed and my mom gave me a tray of breakfast to go give to him and so I did. When I gave it to him, he said, "Call me daddy."
I was like, "Excuse me?"
"Call me daddy."
"For what?"
"Because I am basically your father now."
"I think you're mistaken, because I only have one father and I don't see him in this room. "
Mom gave me some look and I walked away. I did try to respect him, but he really pushed my buttons. The guy had been there for two seconds and he already expected to be getting titles? Who did he think he was dude? Nah.
A few months later, I noticed mom's belly was a bit too big. Suspicious. So that man's daughter, Emily, and I used to chat occasionally over WhatsApp. So she was like, "I can't wait to see this baby."
I was like, "What baby now?"
So that was when I found out that mom was seven months pregnant and she decided to tell his children, but not me, her OWN CHILD. SEVEN FLIPPEN MONTHS.
So a few weeks later, she said, "You know that I'm gonna have a baby?"
"Yeah, I noticed that stomach and Emily told me."
"Oh, I wanted to surprise you."
Well I was pretty surprised.
She gave birth a week later to my adorable half-sister Shontelle Kelly Michaels. I decided to nickname her SK. That nickname kinda stuck with everyone.
When my siblings came to visit, they saw a baby and were like, "So what's up?"
And I was like, "She didn't tell you?"
Mom said, with total ease, "Oh that's your baby sister. Anyways, come help with the cooking."
That lady though. We all looked at her in shock. We all love SK though, don't get me wrong, but she could have went about that in a different way. And plus, it's him we didn't like.
I had to answer all of the questions my sisters and brother asked me, since mother was just not about to do that. They were angry for a while, and then got over it, like I did.
The holidays were soon over and my siblings had to go back to dad's for school.
It was now back to mom and I, as well as SK. That man barely came around because mom and SK would drive over to his house (an hour away) every weekend. She once asked me to go with her and I did, even though I didn't want to obviously, and I hated every moment of it. I took my laptop with me because I love watching my Netflix and all. So I got there and met that man's children -six children who all have different mother's; this should tell you a lot about him- and his brother. Surprisingly, his brother was attractive and young. He was 17.
The house only had three bedrooms inside and a few outside which he rented out to people. In the house, one bedroom was that man's and I guess my mom's too as well as SK, the other was for his brother and his son. The third room was for all of the girls I guess. What a mission. So I was in the girls' room obviously. There were two beds in the bedroom and he had five daughters - excluding SK. Luckily, all the daughters, except one, weren't there when I was there because they were all visiting their mothers. So I took the bed on the left side of the room and Emily took the one on the right. She was 14 at the time when I was 13.
During the day, they didn't really do anything. They just watched music channels and sat. I wasn't about to do that, so I went to the bedroom to watch my Netflix. Mom obviously had an issue with that, "You're a visitor, you can't just hide away all day long. You have to surround yourself with them because right now this is looking quite disrespectful."
She liked that word huh.
So I did just that, surrounded myself with them. I watched music channels all day long. I love music, but all day? No.
The weekend was finally over and SK, mom and I drove back home. It was always a great time when it was just us there. She laughed more and we didn't have tension. She was so loose. Around him, she never smiled with me, she always looked so stressed out and annoyed. I am honestly not exaggerating just because his entire existence bothers me, I'm being legit. I wasn't the only one who thought that. My older brother Shawn, my sisters Katelyn and Michelle also noticed when they visited. That man made her change completely so I don't understand why she was there. She said that he really supported us and I wouldn't understand.
So eventually mom stopped asking me to go with her to his house and just left without telling me. She wouldn't even leave a note or money for the weekend. One time there wasn't even much food in the house, just bread and butter. That's it. All I ate was bread, butter and drank water all weekend and a few days of the next week because she decided not to come home until that Thursday. How did I go to school you ask? She didn't think of that one now did she? I had to wake up early and walk. Wasn't I late for school since school was far? Wait wasn't I prefect? 'Yes' is the answer to all of those questions.
While I was there, only eating bread and butter, she was busy baking nice biscuits and cakes for them at his house. I found that out when I texted Emily asking her if she knew where mom was, since she had just disappeared. My mom wasn't answering my texts or calls so I had to ask Emily. That was touching.
So yeah, mom came back on that Thursday and pretended like everything was all good.
She was like, "He my girl. Wow you didn't burn the house down." I just laughed for her amusement. She was so surprised by the lack of food.
"Oh babe, how ever did you survive with nothing to eat?"
"Well, not like I had much of a choice mother dear."
"Oh baby, I'm sorry I was at her father's house. You know SK needs to see him and her other siblings too."
"It would have been nice to be told that you were going. Just calling me or even a note mom. You just disappeared and you weren't answering my calls or texts. There wasn't any food or money, I had no transport for school and..."
"Stop it. You're just listing problems. You didn't die."
"How can you even say that? You know, I thought you were different with that man being around, but clearly I was wrong. He changed you completely. You're not even yourself when it's just the two of us."
"Savannah!! Goodness! I am your mother! Where is this coming from?"
"Mom. I'm not disrespecting you. We're having a conversation. Gosh! Can we even have a normal conversation without you accusing me of giving you attitude or being disrespectful? What happened to you mom? I am your daughter and you're treating me like I'm just some burden of a responsibility and you treat his kids like your children."
"You know what? Do you want to go back to living with your dad with that mouth? You think I'm so horrible? What has he done for you? He won't even send me money to buy you anything. He won't even send money to actually pay for your existence."
That was such a lie. My dad bought her a car to drive us around, bought all the furniture that house contained, he had to pay for all the other three children's, who were also her children too, varsity fees. He bought me airtime and data every month. He was also struggling financially.
"That's such a lie mom. I know you and dad have your issues, but don't make him sound like a monster. I hate the fact that you two do this. I don't want to hear about your hatred towards each other."
"What's wrong with you? You're even worse than when you were a child."
That hurt because I had actually changed a lot from when I was a child. I was such a horrible child. I gave attitude to everyone, I would slam doors, yell at people, I slapped my big sister, I lied a lot, oh hell I even called our security guard a 'penis' in front of mom. I decided to change myself when I was 12, in grade six. When mom and I were arguing I was 13. So it hurt that she had said I was worse, even though I wasn't. It made me feel like I was just not good enough even when I tried to be by changing everything about myself, although it was hard. All my efforts meant nothing.
For a moment the two of us just stood there in awkward silence, still shocked at what just happened. I was in tears and decided to go to my room. I was really tired of everything.
The next year, I decided to go to boarding school. I just couldn't live at home with that man changing mom into a cold thing. So I left. I would visit during certain weekends and holidays.
At that boarding school I met my best friend, Ariana. She made my life so much happier. I always knew I had a shoulder to cry on with her in my life.
By the end of November that year, school was over for the year so I went back home. I was so excited to see my mom and SK. I missed them both so much. Mom already had the whole holiday planned out for us. She wanted us to bond and fix our relationship, go shopping and stuff like that. But then the first night I got home, that man came, unannounced.
So then obviously, her attitude towards me changed immediately.
Mom and I had a stupid argument about my attitude again. So then she went off to her bedroom. That was the last conversation we have ever had. About stupid attitude and disrespect.
Mom and that man went to the bedroom as well as SK. I fell asleep on the couch.
My brother Shawn was in his room and my sister fell asleep on the couch too. They both came to visit.
So as I was sleeping, I heard screams and people panicking. I opened my eyes to find my sister freaking out as well as that man.
I stood up and went to find out what had happened. I saw blood. Bloody sheets. The bed was nothing but blood. Mom's blood. Red liquid dripping from the bed. She was breathing funny and then she just stopped breathing. She STOPPED BREATHING. The man did CPR, but that didn't work. My brother and the man carried mom to the car and drove her to the hospital. I just stood there, staring at the bed. I noticed that SK was doing the same thing. She was on the bed. She went towards the blood and then I came back to reality and went to fetch her. She began to cry and I cried with her.
Later that day, that man came to tell us what had happened. Apparently mom had a miscarriage and she lost too much blood and she was in a coma.
Apparently she flat-lined until the doctors finally revived her back to life.
My life changed from that day. They wouldn't allow me to see her. I went to my dad's house.
My life fell apart. I began to drink, smoke, meet strange men. At some point, when they thought she would not make it, I thought about suicide. I was a disaster. I did anything and everything to feel better. That only made my life worse.
After a year, she got out of a coma, but things were different. She had a brain injury so she would never be able to talk or walk again.
It's been three years and she is still like that. I visit her every time I can and talk to her. She can hear us, but can't respond. Whenever she wants to respond, she just cries loudly. That's how she communicates with us. It's great to know that she hears me, but I miss her voice, I miss her hugs and kisses and just everything.
She lost so much weight and her neck is in some weird position. I don't really understand why, some medical thing.
My family can't even afford to keep her in a special care centre anymore, so they keep her at home and got her a nurse.
I just miss her so much. And it's so sad to think that I will never hear her voice again. The last thing we spoke about was my attitude. We never got a chance to fix things.
Every time I see her, I cry and that only makes her cry.
My mom was like my best friend. We had a lot of arguments and fights, yes, but only because I just wanted her to love me like she used to before he came along. I just wanted her to be my mom. I just needed her.