Time.
They say it's an illusion invented by humans dividing our present, past, and future. It was designed because of our need to measure the cycle of life. Who even decided that there are sixty seconds in a minute, sixty minutes in an hour, and twenty-four hours in a day?
For me, it's the concept of reality, inspiring us to live. It's a system that resides before the day you were born and preserves even after your death. It's an endless indication of beginning and end yet time itself does not have a beginning nor an end.
In summary, time does not exist.
However, perpetual change does.
Like how the petals falling off each day, the trees and flowers no longer bloom after spring, cold winds during autumn, grey sky, and harsh droplets against my glass window. Winter was coming with the dead.
Because my mind was already begging to die of boredom.
I'd been working my brain out about what I could possibly do on Wednesday of our first week of winter break. During this season, I would usually go shopping spree with my friends but it was raining outside and I was under house arrest so that wasn't really an option. I had already wrapped gifts last Monday, decorated our house with Christmas stuff yesterday, and studied all night. My parents were also on leave, making sure that I was complying with their rules but it didn't mean I was in the mood to hang out with them.
The distance between us had grown. After practically begging them again to change their mind about the future endeavor they wanted for me and then shut me down instantly by telling me that I had no say in this, I could care less anymore. I may be stubborn for neglecting their wishes but this was my life, my own journey and I was the only one who decides which path I would take no matter how thorny and bloody the road is.
And it wasn't really helping that I couldn't spend even a godly time with my girlfriend.
I sighed as I rolled on my bed, gazing up at my room ceiling. Then a blissful smile formed on my lips before I buried my head in my pillow, letting out a happy squeal. I was glad that the sound of the rain muffled my excitement or else, Mom and Dad would certainly hear me.
Khloe is officially my first girlfriend. She is my girlfriend. Khloe Summer is my girlfriend!!
I haven't felt this thrill before. I had a few relationships beforehand but I'd never experience these upbeat emotions from them. My first boyfriend was a forced relationship for the sake of wanting to follow the school social trends. He was really sweet, not to mention, popular which amplified my already-soaring reputation by fifteen percent. Or maybe he was the one whose reputation improved because you were automatically a super popular kid if you're friends with Arisa Gail Valentine. Talking about Arisa, she was the one who hooked me up with my second boy toy as she had named him for me. Not that I was actually treating him like a toy but the guy was really a cocky jerk so it was safe to say that I wasn't really into him. I would always take my relationship seriously, however, they were lacking something I couldn't figure out so I was always the one who would break up with them. If I say I was done, I really mean it. No lingering feelings and sympathy at all, knowing it was all in vain.
But enough with my previous relationship because the point is, Khloe was my first girlfriend. I never had a relationship with the same sex before so this was all new to me. I thought I was ready and my determination of knowing her feelings for me was proof of that but 'we' happened, deciding to make it official... and it gradually produced a fear within me.
Nonetheless, despite the fear, I knew I made the right decision and even if I fight against my feelings, I would eventually surrender. I couldn't resist her cool persona, intimidating presence, and strong resolve for everything. Not only she was smart, Khloe was also intelligent, wise, and clever. Those lingering smiles whenever she found something endearing, forest-green eyes that would capture my senses into overdrive. Her voice raw, her whispers spelled desires, and her laughter sounded like a fire inside the freezing woods, oasis on the desert, dandelions in summer days. Arms around me that could melt the world outside my consciousness. Soft lips against mine that could ignite my mind on fire and bring warmth throughout my entire body. Those hot-fiery kisses were definitely my ruin. Those soft dances of our lips were my redemption. All of Khloe corrupted the time which doesn't exist in the first place.
I was missing her terribly.
Tilting my head to the side, I reached my hand out and grabbed the walkie-talkie from my nightstand. Gripping the device on my chest, I wondered what she was doing right at this moment. She was currently on the Elle estate with Quinn to celebrate the holidays there first then they would come back home at twenty-third to prepare for their own Christmas Eve.
Jeez! What a bummer! If only I had my phone, I would call her instantly.
As I closed my eyes, I heard the doorbell rang but ignored it. I was certain someone would get it. Hearing murmurs from downstairs, I placed my pillow on my ear, and slowly, I was falling into slumber. But then in a matter of minutes, a knock on my door pulled me out of the edge of my sleep.
With a heavy sigh, I lazily carried myself up from my bed and opened my bedroom door, revealing our new housemaid, Jenna. She gave me an apologetic look, seeming to notice my sullen behavior. Dad just recently hired her last month so she was still adapting to the nature of her job compared to the other senior maids who were already part of our family.
"I apologize, Miss. You have a visitor," she mumbled, her head hung low.
My eyebrows creased in confusion. I wasn't expecting anyone and the weather was really bad so who would have thought of visiting me anyway?
Nodding my head, I stepped out of my room and followed her trail. Once I got the sight of my visitor, my sour mood changed as I beamed excitedly, rushing towards her and engulfing one of my favorite people in the world.
"Amanda, what a surprise!" I exclaimed as I pulled away and gazed at her in excitement.
The middle-aged woman who was Cassie's personal doctor smiled warmly at me. "And here you are, you've grown elegantly."
I giggled, holding her at arm's length. "Do you want me to call Mom and Dad? They're in their own office I think."
She looked surprised. "Oh, I thought they were out during this time."
I shook my head and tugged her into our living room. "No, they are on leave," I explained and turned my attention to Jenna. "Can you please call my Mom and Dad and tell them that Doctor Paige is here?"
Jenna nodded but was halted when Amanda spoke, "There's no need, dear. I'm in a rush, actually. I'm going to fly out of the country in an hour to spend the rest of the holiday with my family. I'm just here to give you something important. Your sister, Cassie, told me to give you this before Christmas of your senior year." Amanda's tone seemed off and then she grabbed my hand and handed a tiny device on my palm.
I looked at the flash drive with bewilderment. "Cassie?"
The doctor sighed, her eyes were somewhat recalling a memory. "She said it's a Christmas present and she asked me to give it to you personally. I was the one who recorded her video as her final wish before she passed away."
"But it's been years. Why would she give something like this after all these years of grief?" I questioned, my tone was desperate.
"Perhaps you should watch the video for answers, my dear," Amanda responded, her hand grazed my arm comfortingly. "I know it's going to be hard so you better be with your Mom and Dad while you watch it, alright?"
I bit my lip as I frowned in uncertainty. "Alright. Thank you, Amanda."
"No problem, dear," she said softly and embraced me in her arms. "Remember that she's always been here no matter what. Not physically but she always rests in our hearts."
I nodded as I pulled away. "I know."
Amanda smiled, caressing my cheek lightly. "I gotta go now. Happy holidays, my dear Hilary."
"Happy Holidays, Doctor."
After giving her a last hug, she walked out of the door, leaving me in a storm. Silently, I stared down at the flash drive in my hand before I turned to Jenna again. "Can you call my Mom and Dad and tell them I'm in the entertainment room? It's an emergency."
Jenna nodded immediately and then scurried away without any question.
I headed into the entertainment room with a heavy heart, not knowing what to think about all this. When Cassie died, it was devastating and at the same time, heartbreaking because even on the brink of death, she gazed at us with a strong heart. She never even cried — she was just there with a soft smile on her face until her last breath.
So I was certain that this video would show how she truly felt.
After setting up the flash drive into the TV system, I waited for my parents to arrive as I sat on the leather couch in anxiousness. And when I heard the door opened, I tilted my head to see my parents standing in the doorway with confusion in their eyes.
I stood up to acknowledge them. "Hi, guys. Doctor Paige was here and—"
"Hilary, we're in the middle of discussing something important so you better be not wasting our time," Dad interrupted me which instantly pissed me off. If he truly wanted to work his ass off, he shouldn't take a leave in the first place.
"Of course, it's important!" I exclaimed, my jaw clenching. "Cassie, your daughter, left a video message to Doctor Paige. I presumed you want to watch it with me."
"Cassie?" Mom's voice was surprised as she sauntered into the room.
I shrugged my shoulder. "Doctor Paige visited a while ago and gave me this," I said, pointing at the file on the screen which was ready to be played. "I don't know why Cassie particularly made her give this at this point so I want to know the answers with you."
Dad was taken aback and Mom looked at him in uncertainty. Quietly, they sat on the couch, totally defeated. I could feel that they were in a state of fear and confusion which brought a heavy air between us.
As I sat beside my Mom, I pushed the play button. After a few seconds of the black screen, the video revealed Cassie who was sitting on the hospital bed. Her head was covered with the same scarf I had given her as a present, her skin was pale, her body thin, multiple tubes attached to her yet she was still beautiful as her eyes consumed my thoughts and my heart. The sight of her was heart-wrenching and brought back terrible memories, yes! However, it also brought irreplaceable reminiscences.
"Doctor, is it recording yet?" her melodic voice echoed in the room, which skipped my heart a beat. I looked at my parents for a brief second and they were too focused on the screen. I could see my Mom's eyes starting to glisten.
The sound of laughter from Doctor Paige fetched me back to the video. "You can go on, love."
Cassie let out a toothless smile as she gazed back at the camera. "Hello, old folks and my pretty cute sister. You're probably wondering why I made this video. Well, this is officially my farewell message for the three of you."
A devastated gasp escaped from me while my Mom and Dad embraced each other.
"Doctor Paige gave me already the result of my condition and it seems in no time, I will leave this world for good. Seeing that I can't bring myself to tell all the things I want to say without spilling tears out of my eyes in front of all of you, I decided to make this. You guys probably won't move on from my death so I think this is necessary. For starter, it's alright to cry over me because I know I'm the best daughter and definitely the coolest sister in the world so it's already given to be in grief."
Mom let out a sad laugh.
"But please, don't let the sorrow erase what we had. You know, our usual quirks, laughter every morning, and warm talks at dinner and those late nights watching a movie together. I may not be there but I will definitely watch over you, especially, you Hilary. Our crybaby and the one who put an extra smile on our family."
Upon hearing my name, tears began to flood out of my eyes. It was a great feeling to hear my name out of her mouth after a long time.
"Mom, Dad! Don't be too hard on my sister, alright? She's always a crybaby so don't get too mad at her when she comes home late at night after a wild party, is that understood? Let her do things I wanted to do. Let her experience crazy things, let her do her best at everything she desires, and let her fall in love and go through happiness, doubts, and pain that come along with it. Give her the freedom to make mistakes and surely, it will make her stronger. As for both of you, stay in love and support each other until the end of time. Dad, I know that you were sad when you leave your service because of me so if you want to go back to the military, please do it for me. Or otherwise, rock the business world with your entrepreneurial skills. And Mom, please don't be too hard on yourself. Have some time to hit the spa and salon. Stay being the best mother in the world. I made Doctor Paige give this to you at this moment of time because I know that the pain you're suffering because of my death will not mend easily. However, I know that Christmas will be coming in days ahead so I would like this video to be your turning point for a fresh start— for a change of heart. I want you guys to let go of me and face a brand new and happy life without holding back."
As the video continued to play, my Mom and Dad including me were already in a sobbing mess. Mom held me close to her side and I rested my chin on her shoulder while my tears flowed like a river. This time, Cassie, my precious late sister was already crying on the screen, her eyes were red as she looked at us lovingly.
"D-Damn this tears! I really thought I'm going to manage not to cry b-but here I am, always weak, always a softy," Cassie's voice was cracking miserably. "Ju-Just always remember that I'll love you always. Try to link all the stars in all the galaxies and you'll see how much infinite my love is for all of you. Dad... Mom, please promise me that you'll cherish each other to infinity and promise that you'll take care of my sister. A-And Hilary, remember when you told me you want to be an artist, promise me that you'll follow your dream and at least build a painting gallery as a tribute to me. That would be cool, right?"
A small smile formed on Cassie's serene face which caused a sting in my heart. "I'm so happy that I spent my life loving all of you. I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you guys, so much. I'm sorry for everything and farewell."
Once the screen blacked out, the three of us wept out loud. I was holding into my Mom for dear life as Dad enveloped us together in a secure embrace. Our differences were soon forgotten and all that remained was our love for each other. I had completely forgotten how this family made me whole again. I disregarded their wishes because of my selfishness without even trying to understand what was inside their hearts. They only wanted the best for me and although it seemed unpleasant against my needs, I had finally realized that they were just lost and couldn't move on from my sister's death just like I was. They, too, had their own battle, a shadow lurking in their core which produced by a tragic past that we couldn't escape. Because we didn't want to let go of her memories which were blinding our minds from realizing what's truly important.
That day, everything changed as we decided to have a fresh start— facing a brand new life ahead as a whole family.
•••••
"I'm missing you terribly, Klo," I whined as I held my phone to my ear. The sight of the blinking lights of the Christmas tree made me pout even more.
"Good thing you managed to get back your phone from your parents. But unfortunately, we don't have a reason anymore to talk through our walkie-talkie," Khloe said, causing me to smile involuntarily. "And I also miss you so much. When are they going to lift your punishment? It's way too dramatic already."
I giggled. "Soon."
The truth was, I wasn't grounded anymore and instead of spending my Christmas with others, I solely decided to focus my entire holiday on my family. We needed this so that we could understand each other and open ourselves in regards to our feelings. I apologized to my Dad for being stubborn and for disrespecting him but in my surprise, he was the one who was ashamed for not considering my positions. So they finally let go of me and told me I could choose any college degree I wanted for my future.
I just didn't want to tell my girlfriend about it yet because I wanted to surprise her. While she was gone, I would go to her treehouse and continue her father's painting. After a few more strokes of paints, in due time, it would shortly be complete. We were talking about a custom-sized canvas that was nearly three arms in length.
"And hey, we can still use it," I went on, dangling my legs on the armrest as I collapsed on our sofa.
"Ugggh, I want to see you but this freaking holiday break is consuming all my time, not to mention, your best friend and my sister are planning to hold a ski chalet party tomorrow. Seriously, can't they stop giving me errands?"
I knew about that party and I was already part of it. "What a bummer, I wish I can go there but anyway, and seriously, I knew that you're whipped so stop complaining about how Quinn controls you."
"She doesn't control me, missy," Khloe spat, making me chuckle. "But I will gladly let you control me. It seems like you're the dominant one in this relationship."
I blushed hard as dirty thoughts began to pop into my head. "That's not true. I-I'd rather—"
"You rather be at my submission. Ahhh, kinky, eh?" Khloe teased and I bit my lip, totally flustered.
"Shut up, Klo! I'll hang up if you don't stop!"
Her laughter boomed on the other line. "But I really hope you'll able to come tomorrow. Should I sneak you out again?"
I let out a soft smile. "It's fine, Klo. I don't want to get in trouble anymore so it's probably better if we see each other next year."
"This sucks! I didn't get to spend Christmas with you, even on New Year's Eve."
I giggled. "Patience. I know it's complicated but we're gonna see each other after that, okay?"
"I know but I miss kissing you," Khloe stated and I could imagine she was pouting her lips cutely.
It was already decided— I was going to kiss her senseless tomorrow until my lips get swollen.
"You don't have any idea," I muttered, closing my eyes, taking this moment with her until a call alarmed me from the fuzzy state I was in. I looked at my screen and the name of the caller caused my eyes to roll. "Ummm, Klo, Mom's calling me. I have to get this."
"Oh, alright," Khloe's voice was tinged with disappointment. "Can you call me later if that's okay with you?"
"Of course! I promise," I said, a never-ending smile remained on my lips. "Talk to you later, my cutie."
"Hey, I'm not a cu—" she protested but I immediately cut her line with a loud giggle. Khloe hated being called cute because she believed she was fiercer than that.
"When are you going to tell your best friend about your newfound lover?" a certain voice caught me off guard, realizing I had cut Khloe off the line to talk with this oh-so-sweet Quinn.
I rolled my eyes again. "Well, hello to you too."
"I'm asking you a question, Blondie. Risa's been giving me a hell of silent treatment last night for not opening my mouth. Obviously, she wants me to tell something she already knows, and me as being a respectful friend, I refuse to clarify what's going on with the two of you, doofus."
I scoffed. "You should've put your mouth between her legs instead."
"I've already done her hard so she's good for now," Quinn said with confidence.
I gasped. "You don't need to tell me something like that."
"You started it! But you need to tell her... The sooner the better."
I sighed as I sat up. "Alright, I'll talk to her tomorrow before the party, are you satisfied?"
"No shit, Ry," Quinn said in incredulity, "This is for your own benefit and I won't let you hide my sister like she doesn't deserve the world. Stop this bullshit!"
"I'm not hid—"
"Oh really? You're likely avoiding her at school at all cost," Quinn interrupted me with her loud mouth.
"I'm not avoi—"
"Rubbish! Did you even ask her out yourself? No, because you expect her to do the date thing because you're such a damsel in distress!"
"It's not like—"
"Shut up! It's like that—"
"You shut the fućk up!" I screamed out loud, not even bothered if my parents heard me because this bitch was rude as an assh0le! "Listen to me, deadsh!t! I'm not hiding her, nor even avoiding her and I'm planning to take her on a date already so screw you!! And goddamn, she deserves the fúcking world if possible, I will give everything to her because I love her! I am fùcking in love with Khloe, do you understand?!"
After my outburst, I panted like I'd run a marathon. An enormous heat was on my face while my jaw clenched in anger. How could she be so rude all the time?!
However, to my disbelief, Quinn burst out laughing as the sound of her glee rippled through my ear.
"You piece of—"
"So you're in love with my sister," she stated more than asked.
Straightaway, the heat on my cheek exploded in embarrassment as I realized what I'd just exposed. "I-I don't— That's not what I'm trying to say."
"You're fùcking in love with Khloe. Blondie loves my Khloe. I'm telling her! I'm telling her," Quinn sang teasingly before the line instantly died.
With my mouth ajar, I stared at my phone, my eyes widened in shock. Dammit! That bitch hung up on me?! And she was going to tell Khloe, no!? No no no no!!
No freaking NO?! I'm in love with Khloe?! And she's gonna find out about it through Quinn! No way!
In a massive panic, I gripped my phone hard and tapped the call button. However, I immediately ended the call once I saw my Mom in the hallway with an eyebrow raised.
I opened my mouth to say something but I was frozen in my own place.
Stepping into the living room, Mom looked deadly in my eyes. "You're in love with a girl?"
Oh shit! This was going to be a long day...
•••••
Author's Note: This is a need filler but I apologize for not updating these past few weeks. I'm on a business project so I'm super madly and literally busy. And in my defense, it's my birth month so there's a lot of get together and all. Not to mention, I was alone on an island at exactly my birthdate. It was a solo trip, roaming around with strangers around you and exploring the ocean with snorkeling gear and of course, with my camera. To compensate for my busy schedule, I will update again on Monday. Yada!
My dirty feet! but the view! Haha!