Chapter 30: As The Clock Strucks 10
[EXELLOR ONEIRO'S POV]
Opening the big, rectangular box, in it, is a silver strapless dress. I'm not fond of wearing dresses so that's the only thing that I could describe from it.
No one had ever given me a dress. Now, there is... him.
He must have thought that I don't have a dress? Or no?
One of these days, or hours specifically, I liked talking to my mind. Asking it to make decisions. If everybody thinks thats weird enough, how about Paul... liking me all of a sudden? Is that even possible?
Am I assuming? Is he deceiving me? If he does, why? Does he have an intention? Or is it just real? Am I just scared? How about his eyes? His smile? Why those things contradict everything that I doubt about him?
Is it really love? Or a silly crush?
Even if all of that are unaswered, I just can't get them off my head. I really want answers from it. And now, receiving the dress, his words remained intact within me: … the first step to that is to trust yourself. Kung palagi nalang tayong magtatago, walang mangyayari sa buhay. If you have the chance, take it. I want you to be comfortable with me. Gusto ko pagdating natin sa ball, we'll enjoy our time. I want you there to be comfortable with your looks and feelings.
I quickly went to my closet, rummaged through some clothes, and found a white dress that looked classy. I haven't worn it since the day Don Kael bought it for me. It was the day of Jacob's wedding anniversary.
“Hala? Saan ang punta mo hija?” Don Kael asked when he saw me leaving, wearing the dress that I chose. The white one.
“Sa school po. Foundation Day.”
“Ah, kaya pala nagpadala sa'yo ng damit. Bakit hindi mo sinuot iyon?”
“I'm not comfortable with it, but I'll keep it. Pakitago na lang rin po ito...” I said, and lend my beanie to him. The look of concern is evident from his eyes. His mouth opened, glancing to the beanie and me.
“E-Eh h-hindi ka komportable kapag hindi mo suot iyan hindi ba?”
Before, I wasn't. But when he came along, I changed my mind. Funny how a single person can change you. On how you think about things, how you define and how you see the world. Telling me that he had feelings for me did nothing, but his actions somehow managed to make me believe.
Before leaving, I checked my phone for messages.
Jamiel
Uy gurl nasan ka na? Nandito na'ko sa party.
Kylie
Bruh I'll see you at the parteh.
Paul
See you later, beanie girl.
Beanie girl... of course.
I tried to wake myself up, remembering I'm already in front of the school gates. It sooned opened automatically, welcoming students and guests. I blended with the people around, but some eyes are already glued to me. I started walking towards the guy who's wearing a suit, paired with a gray necktie.
His eyes went to me, just as his jaw hung, obviously surprised. While walking slowly towards him, I wasn't aware of the blasting sounds from the school's sound system, the noisy people around me. This foreign feeling inside me deafened both my ears from hearing anything. I kept myself in control but in any moment, that could change.
“W-Wow, U-uh b-buti d-dumating k-ka...” he almost said in a whisper.
“UY EXELLOR NANDIYAN KA NA PAL... OH MY SHT.” Jamiel approached us, but her eyes was fixed on my head. Jayvee had the same expression as Trevor, only he managed to speak well.
“You look... ravishing tonight.”
I just nodded, while Jamiel still stared at me like I was some sort of a magical fairy. And no, I wasn't one.
“Students! Line up! We'll start in just a few seconds!” I heard the mc announced. We immediately went inline with other students. I can definitely tell others how they looked at me in awe. Or maybe in shock.
“Bakit hindi mo sinuot yung binigay kong dress? Hindi mo ba nagustuhan?” I head Paul asked beside me as the MC started the program, and did the talking.
“I did not wear it because you told me that I should be comfortable going here.”
“So... you're not... comfortable with what I gave you? And woah... you sure you're ready to let everyone see that scar on your head?”
“They already did.”
When the speaker introduced the dances, which is us, senior students, we proceeded to go inside the huge gymnasium and went in position. I could say I feel eyes staring at me wherever I look, but a burning stare caught my attention. It was Rhianne, dancing with some guy who's clearly starstrucked over her.
The slow piano started playing. I can tell from myself that the sensations were starting again.
~I was her, she was me,
We were one, we were free
And if there's somebody calling me on,
She's the one...
In an instant, a new Paul resurfaced. The one that had this serious look on his face. The one that made me feel something, weird. He held my body, like he owns it. His hold felt light, as I did the same to him, not breaking the stare that he's giving me. We started with slow movements, taking small steps back and forth. I couldn't break the stare we have now.
I was aware that I can still perform the dance. I memorized everything by the tone, but he might distract me today with that. As if he's now in control of my movements, I was... pretty astonished.
I tried looking at all the angles... would a guy like him understand me? Unlike Jayvee, he's much more... realistic, but he wanted to do things as he please. Independent, and doesn't rely on others. I saw how his life wasn't that affected when he lost Rhianne's friendship. Yes, he got emotional, but it really did not change him much.
And him liking me's... just... fantastic. He didn't know what I do and what I did. He's oblivious to everything I see and think. There are now second thoughts inside me that I don't even want him to know, the question that makes me... weak: Do I even deserve him?
And I say it like I already have... feelings...
Maybe.
Even though I couldn't see his face much with his mask (and I'm wearing one too), he made me feel like dancing in the fields, and instead of people, I could only hear the rustling of the leaves and the soft, slow instrumental played from my phone and heard from my earphones. The feeling's calm and something... foreign.
His eyes were too hypnotizing.
I didn't even know that we were done. Everyone clapped, and the guests gave us a standing ovation. Next up, were the other 2 strands, ABM and STEM to dance 'cause all of the strands can't be accomodated in a single place. We went on the sides, giving them the dancefloor. Paul led me to the side tables were food was served.
He quickly unmasked his face, revealing his whole face. And even before I could remove my mask, he did it himself.
“Wow, it is you.”
“Yes.”
“Nagbago na't lahat sa mukha mo pero yung pakikipagusap mo sa akin kasing-dry pa rin ng lalamunan ko.” he said, pouting.
I had curiosity etched on my face. “Atleast I reply.”
I saw how he stared at me like a fish, his mouth opening and closing. A fish, a good-looking fish.
“Seryoso... b-buti na lang tinaggal mo yung beanie mo. You still actually look good without it. Maganda pa sa naging style ng buhok mo.”
I tried hiding the scar without the beanie on and I figured changing hairstyles was the solution. I can feel both my hands were very clammy already, shaking because of my inecurities not bringing the beanie with me.
Atleast, I should've bought it wth me. God.
“Exellor, relax lang...” Paul's soothing voice woke me up in reality. He smiled, assuring that I'll be fine. If I will be fine.
“Nandito naman ako. Tsaka... your friends... and your a part of MD, kaya ganyan ka nila tingnan. Aimee felt the same thing before.”
He doesn't even know how I feel this much, considering I'm not only insecured about the stares...
We were both silent 'till the 2nd batch of dancers were finished dancing in the dancefloor. Paul offered a hand, but he was stopped when he heard someone yelling his name.
“Oh, tawag lang ako. Babalikan kita mamaya, Exellor.” he said before he parted ways and went through a sea of students.
And now I'm here, standing alone with the punches, and snacks.
“EXELLOR BRUH!
Oh no.
“HEY... WOAH! Dude, wha...” Kylie's smile instantly faded when she saw how I looked. Am I expecting people to look at me and change moods? I guess so. A guy beside her did the same.
“Sino siya Kylie?” the guy asked.
“Si Exellor. Yung bagong vocalist ng band.”
“Ah...”
Suddenly, the guy whispered something to her that made her lips twitch.
“She's not available, *sshole.” she discreetly answered, though I obviously heard them. The guy's face fell down but still kept a small smile and went away. Kylie lets out a big breath.
“My god, buti na lang umalis na siya. He's even worse than Greg. Sorry about that.”
“That's fine.”
“Buti naisipan mong tanggalin beanie mo, what made you do that anyway?”
My eyes drift to someone talking with the principal. Kylie immediately got my point.
“Ah... siya. Alam mo, wala naman masama kung... maging kayo ni Trev.” she suggested, but I think that's something... bad. Not a good idea.
“It wouldn't be a good idea.”
“Hindi mo ba siya gusto? Friends lang ba tingin mo sa kanya?”
Kylie's not oblivious to that thing. She knows that Paul already likes me. And I can see from her that she's very supportive of him as a bestfriend. And she has respect all over, though I haven't told her my secrets, even him. I'm too scared... and if I would, It would only endanger them.
Even before I could answer, an arm was snaked on Kylie's neck, making her startle. Greg's chuckle can be heard behind her.
“Ñeta ka! Ikaw namimigla ka ah!” she yelled at her, but he only responds with another series of chuckles.
“'Lam mo na! Tsaka, gusto sana kitang inbitahan sa sayawan.”
“P*nyeta may nalalaman ka pang pataga-tagalog diyan.”
“Ano?” Greg lend a hand for her. Kylie accepted it though, and winked at me before coming with him.
That was... out of the way.
“Xellor!”
Another one.
It was Jamiel, wearing a aquamarine cocktail dress, with her hair tied into a double braid, her face painted with light makeup and her feet wearing black heels. Her wide smile complimented her look even more.
And now, the smile fades away when she saw how I look.
“Ikaw pa rin ba yan, Exellor Oneiro?!”
“Yes.”
“Wooooow... Buti tinaggal mo yung beanie mo! God! Ang ganda mo seryoso! Kaya pala daming boys na pinagbubulungan pangalan mo kanina.”
“Huh?”
“Kanina habang sumasayaw tayo, lahat ata halos ng boys eh nakatingin sa inyo ni Trev. Pero syrempre mas nakatingin ako sa mga mata ni my Prince Jayvee.”
Prince Jayvee??
“Hey, if it's not too personal to ask... bakit mo nga pala... tinanggal yung beanie? I mean sa kahit anong event noon sa school naten hindi ka naman nagtatanggal ng beanie noon ah.”
My mind debated whether I should answer her directly or just tell her tidbits of it. Thinking she knows a bit of my secret makes me wanna say the truth.
“I followed...Paul's advice.”
“ADVICE?!”
“He told me that I should be comfortable here in the party, with him. I think it's time anyway.”
I had a hard time practicing to get used to not wearing the beanie. Yes, I'm used to people, but the scar on my head inverts that 'used to' statement. Even by touching that, I get dark flashbacks that would play right in front of me. Which scares me a lot. I practiced removing it and looking to myself at the mirror, telling myself a hundred times, that I should do it, in the name of trust... and this weird intensifying feelings that I can't even stop.
“S-Sabihin mo nga saken, n-nagugustuhan mo na ba ako, Sebastian?”
“Maybe.”
I can't lie to my maybe. I'm not numb. I can still feel anything. Feelings made the world into something colorful and revolutionary. Everyone can feel, and I'm no exception. Well, even schizophrenics have feelings. They just don't know how to express it or so.
So, that maybe, might turn into a... yes. And I can already see it slowly turning into that.
Jamiel had that smile that she would only show a few times when she's pretty serious. I know everything that involves me takes a lot of understanding but... in simple terms, it's just that complicated to reveal anything at once. I'm a human being who's very complicated to begin with...
“Nagbabago ka na talaga.” she said, almost quietly, in contrast to the students chatting around the gymnasium.
He's changing me, and I'm already aware.
“I know. This feelings that I felt with him is no mystery anymore. I couldn't just deny it, to the point that his presence is one of the things I want to see in a day.”
“Oh.. sh*t... totoo nga..” her smile even widened at that.
I gave her a weak, small smile. It's just... impossible.
“Oh well... sana talaga no...” somehow... she read my mind.
“Oo nga pala, nakita mo ba si Chris?”
“Huh? I haven't seen him.”
“Umm, pwedeng patulong naman sa paghahanap oh, kasi nandoon sa guests table yung papa niya, eh nakita ako, yan tuloy!”
I just nodded and went through a sea of student, having their slow dance. Others were already sitting, eating foods served from the tables on the sides. My eyes scanned the whole area. Chris Sintel wasn't on the tables.
Now, I went searching on the dancefloor. Some were trying to pull jokes while dancing, but others were very serious, as if this is their last night.
My eyes went scanning one by one, until it stopped. Oh no, I wasn't that far from them, just enough to see something that made a pang inside me.
I froze on spot, unable to do anything. I was just staring, as the pain slowly killed my strengh, weakening me, tearing my head.
Seeing his lips on hers hurts.
Seeing it's Paul and Rhianne hurts even more.
I felt a lump in my throat, I can't even breath properly. Everything went slow from my vision.
Is it all deception? Just fantasy to cover realities? Is his words enough to hypnotize me?
Reasons were concrete, but feelings betrayed.
I looked at her. She's like an angel, dancing with a magical mortal.
Makes me think, she's his bestfriend, after all. She came before me. I just came, and now, words tried to twist my mind, but his actions... god.
She deserves him, but... it's...
My chest hurts a lot. I can't even describe how. It's like fire spreading throughout my body. It's like bullets being fired endlessly at me. It just hurts like... sh*t.
I slowly turned around, trying to forget that sight. I closed my eyes, trying to stop the threatening betrayal of feelings to me.
As the clock strucks 10, I went away from the guy who made an illusion just to make me live in fantasy that lives inside this haunted reality.
I like it so much that it hurts already.