I want to be saved. Honestly.
But it's not that I don't want to be saved. Not that I want to be broken. It isn't that.
I'm trying my fucking hardest. Honestly.
I never saw my father in my whole fucking life. Son of a gun seems afraid of me. Good. Let him hide Everytime he comes over to drink and do weed in the house. I don't give a fuck. I think I conversate with him once last week and let him keep one of my art peices. Fucking sad the daughter was the first one to give something. Should honestly be the other way around.
Fucking other way around.
Where was he when holidays rolled around. Or my birthday. I fucking waited for a phone call or a crappy letter that could even state "fuck you" on it and I would jump for fucking joy. I had no daddy to go fishing with. No daddy to teach me how to do jack shit. Such a sad bum.
I was born as a blue baby, not breathing on the hospital bed as my mother almost died bleeding. Fucking shouldn't have survived but I did. I survived and my mother almost named me something stupid, but my grandmother made her change it.
I wish I didn't survive.
Maybe that's why I was fucking stupid. Almost got held back in first grade or Kindergarten because I couldn't spell my name nor count to a hundred. Every single kid exept me. I passed though. The first grade teacher hated me. Fucking hated my guts for some reason. Always me that got yelled at or makes the whole class pay because of me. I gave back in additude and didn't care.
First grade was the time where I began my love for books and my first time being abused and bullied.
I was in his sister's room and she had a book shelf.
"Wanna read a book?" I hated being picked on. I don't want to be picked on for being a slow reader (even if I already volunteered for reading in class) so I agreed.
I grabbed a book about fairies. I tried reading only words I could read. I gave up.
I grabbed another book.
Junie B. Jones.....
I fell in love with those books . Simple to read and funny.
It fully made me fall deeply in love with books and get better with reading. I got better in school where I got all honors and As. I loved school because it was like an escape. Still an escape.
Second grade came, bullying got worse. One kid, in my classes still but not bad anymore, was new to our school. He picked on me. No matter how many times I had told, no one fully fixed it or cared. I cried alot. I don't any more.
I was breaking so young. I felt there was no hope.
I hated it at ten.
Double digits.
That was the first time I wanted to die. A little girl wanted to die at ten...isn't that sad? I fucking hated my house, him, people in my school. I hate it all.
A new man came into our life after the break up.
He was funny, cool, and a good guy.
Sometimes.
I mean it ended this year, but it was bad.
Hearing my brother wail and cry. Getting hit with a hanger, plastic bottle, and getting apologise to for doing it. Fuckin hurted like hell.
Bullying got worse every year. Lunch ladies, random students, teachers...it sucks.
My best friend that listened to me and helped me died.
"I will see you in a better place" my uncle said before he died last year.
I starve now. Or overdose on melatonin. Tried cutting.
This isn't even the summary of my life. Shit went down before in my life.
Watching your cousin being thrown against the wall like in a real fight since of his big mouth and screams of everyone and everything going down in front of my eyes. Watching your mother break down. Have panic attacks. Seeing a door have a hole in it because some one got mad. Hearing your brother tell you to kill yourself or when you take melatonin to take the whole bottle or instantly picks on you fully. I been told more than once to die.
I mean, there was times of rainbows and butterflies. I mean there was times we went on trips and going to Sesame Street when we were little. Laughter sometimes. Sometimes feeling of what maybe what love felt like.Doesn't mean it fixed me.
I'm sorry. I swear I'll get better. I'm not staying in the same place because I want to. I can't accept complements because I been told shit on repeat that I can't seem to see good things. I hid behind my humor. Not going from suicide to a funny laugh. I'm trying my fucking best. Can't be like wonder woman. Not in the snap of my fingers. I'm sorry I wasn't born that strong to roll over and get over it.