NOTE: Sooooo sorry for making you guys wait! I'm currently editing How to be a Queen and that took up a lot of my time. Also, we're coming closer to the end of TROTG and I'm not so sure I'm ready to let go of this baby yet. Haha.
Mah heart and mah soul is in this book. XD
By the way, if you want to read the new version of HTBAQ, 18 chapters are up on Inkitt. Just go to http://alyssaurbano.com/htbaq to get the inkitt link. Thanks!
I'll keep this note short because I'm so excited for you guys to read the update!
Hope you enjoy!
CHAPTER 22 – DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME
"Where are we going?" I asked Ethan.
"You'll see. Soon," he replied.
I was so full and actually very sleepy but at the same time, I didn't want the night to end. It looks like Ethan felt the same way because a few minutes ago, he asked me if I wanted to go somewhere to continue this blind date.
Of course, I agreed.
Ethan's company was the best. I'm not deluding myself that this could lead to something more and it's really hard to explain... but it's one of those Cinderella moments. That one where a fairy godmother – in this case, fate – waves her magic wand and gives a poor girl a night to remember.
And in the fairytale, Cinderella only ever wanted to go to the ball. She didn't say she wanted to marry the prince outright.
And yep, ladies and gentlemen, that's exactly what's happening here.
For a while, we enjoyed each other's company in silence as Ethan skilfully drove across the busy streets of Manila. It's Valentine's Day and almost every establishment was decorated with hearts and cupid's bow. The others were still decorated red because Chinese new year is coming up as well.
All in all, love is in the air. Not for me though. Just like last year, I'm still single. I've tried my best and am still exactly where I started – except I now nurse a broken heart and less faith in men. Huh. I guess this means that I'm actually set back several paces.
All the guys I liked never liked me back. I guess Ethan would fall into this category as well. He's someone I'd want to be with but I know deep inside that I don't have a shot at that goal.
Cupid hit me with his arrow but he didn't hit my beloved and this is why my love is unrequited.
"You believe that?" Ethan asked.
I gasped for I didn't realize I actually said it out loud.
"Uhm. Was just thinking to myself," I hurriedly answered. "It's Valentine's Day and I'm seeing all these decorations and that was the first thing that popped into mind," I added.
"So do you believe that?" he repeated.
I shrugged and stared out the window again. "I'm not sure actually. Sometimes those we love do not love us back."
"Such is life," he said. "But then again, maybe it's just not what's meant to be," he added.
Huh. "That's true. I guess it's one of those light-darkness things."
His brow creased. "What things?"
"How would you know light if there is no darkness? How would you know happiness if there is no sorrow? Those things."
"Ahh, yes. We are meant to know unrequited love so that when the real one comes, we appreciate it in all its finest."
He was silent for a while, his fingers tapping an unknown rhythm in the steering wheel. When the traffic light was red, he turned towards me.
"But then again, some things start as unrequited. But if you find something you want so much, then you have to fight for it," he told me.
I looked at him but the light turned green and he fixed his eyes forward once more. Was he talking about his ex? Was this exactly why he was still fighting for her? Did he think she was the one for him?
I didn't know what to say so I just nodded.
"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind."
My eyes widened.
"Wow. A quote from Shakespeare!"
He turned towards me briefly and flashed me that smile that made my insides melt. Then, he ran his fingers through his hair. "Yeah, since we're blurting out random quotes, you know?" he said in a teasing tone.
I burst out laughing. "So you believe that?" I mimicked his earlier question.
Ethan nodded. "The popular interpretation is that it's just a fancier way of saying love is blind and does not look at the physical. For me, it means that sometimes, what you're looking for might be directly in front of you but you don't recognize it until you look deeper."
Whoosh.
There it goes again.
I smiled. "You should write a book about that," I teased. Ethan shook his head and looked horrified. "God, no. I don't know the first thing about writing a book. It will turn out scattered like my thoughts," he said.
"I don't think your thoughts are scattered. Actually, I enjoy our conversations very much. I feel like I could talk to you about anything and neither of us will get bored."
His face got serious and his hand gripped the steering wheel tighter.
"Don't fall in love with me, Alexis."
I wasn't sure I heard him right. "What?"
He turned to me and smiled. "I was kidding," he answered and then laughed. Hearing that did strange things to my equilibrium.
"Ha-ha. Is that a line from A Walk to Remember by Nicholas Sparks?" I replied. I heard him loud and clear, though. He was right. He wasn't somebody I should fall in love with.
"That goes both ways, Ethan. Don't you dare fall in love with me," I whispered.
Don't fall in love with me. I know you'll break my heart like the others did. But I have this feeling that with you, I'll never recover.
Yet again, he laughed and a shiver slid down my spine. He thought I was teasing but if he only knew what was going on inside my head, he'd be out of here so fast he'd be gone the moment I blinked.
"Why don't you tell me about her?" Yes, I know what I'm doing. I'm opening the proverbial can of worms but I'm doing it to safeguard my heart the only way I know how.
"Her?" he shot back.
He ran his fingers through his hair. "I loved her the only way I know how. It wasn't enough. She wanted my time and that wasn't something I was able to give her enough of."
"Hmm."
"What?"
"Nothing."
"It's not nothing."
"Time is relative, you know," I told him. He raised an eyebrow as though asking me to continue.
"Life is busy and we're all busy. We could only have an hour to give but to someone that understands and appreciates, that hour could equal days."
His eyes lost their spark. "That was something I wanted her to understand."
"I get it, you know. The challenge for people like us is to find someone who understands our passion and love for what we do rather than cancelling everything in our schedule just so we could have time to give. More often, that which we give is never enough."
We stopped when the light turned red and he turned towards me. He stared at me with those intense, brown eyes that seemed to looked straight into my soul. He looked at me like he was seeing me for the first time.
"What did you love about her?" I asked him.
"Her smile. Her hair. Her eyes. The way she laughed. Her intelligence. Everything about her."
"Hmm," I replied.
I didn't want to say it out loud but those things he said was too general. If I knew someone and have been with that person for a long time, my answer would be different. I looked at him for a second and then resumed staring out the window.
Perhaps, I'd say: I love the way he runs his fingers through his hair when he's nervous or when he doesn't know what to say. I love his eyes and the way it seems to see all of me. I love his quick wit and his humor. I love the way his entire face would light up and the corner of his lips would tilt upwards in a smile before he'd full on laugh. I love the way his laugh would make me feel like I'm melting and yet freezing at the same time. I love the sound of his laugh and how he never holds back in showing his joy.
"I've told you about my ex but you haven't told me yours. Have you ever been so deeply in love, Alexis?"
His question took me back from my musings and into the present. "Yes, three times," I answered.
It was his turn to say, "Hmm."
"Hmm?"
"They say that in our life we really only fall in love three times. The first is the young kind of love where we don't know what we're doing but we crave the connection. The second one is the harder one where we try to reclaim the magic of the first love but realize that things are different. They say this is the tough kind of love where we learn more about who we are and what we really need."
"And the third?"
"They say the third is the one we never see coming. It's not a perfect one but it's more magical than the first, tougher than the second... but somehow it all fits. Like perfect puzzle pieces."
"And it's supposed to be the one that lasts?"
"Yes... Or the one we never recover from."
I closed my eyes and sighed. My first love was my high school boyfriend. It was magical and it was the kind of relationship wherein you try to mimic the ideals. It's full of hope and promises of forever at an age so young. It's full of innocence and helped both of us grow.
The second kind of love was with my college boyfriend. Yes, it was tougher than the first. It was harder and there were a lot of fights. It spun around and around like a wheel. At one point, it was high and the next it was low.
I thought the third love was with my last boyfriend. But it didn't last and I did recover. I'm not saying it was not real. In a way, I loved him. But it didn't have the magic of the first. Or the emotional rollercoaster of the second. It taught me many lessons, though. Perhaps there was no other explanation for it other than it just wasn't meant to be.
Ethan did say we only really fall in love three times. Whoever said this must've meant that there are three main loves in our life. It doesn't discredit the others. It just shines light on the big three.
"Is your third the one you never recover from, Alexis?" he asked.
I gave him a sad smile. "The first and the second was right. But the third, no. I'm still young. I'll fall in love again. Perhaps that next time would be my last."
Or the one I never recover from.
"My first ex was puppy love at its finest. It took us two years before we held hands, you know. The second one fit the description exactly right. It was an emotional rollercoaster. That was the kind of love that made me more mature," I answered.
"What about your last relationship? Is she the one you never recover from?" I asked.
He ran his fingers through his hair again and drummed an unsteady beat on the steering wheel with his fingers.
"I thought she was... all these years. I never did love anyone again after her. I didn't want to fail someone the way I failed her. Perhaps, I didn't want to risk even trying, actually. I thought I would never recover."
He blinked and then turned to look at me. "Now... I'm not so sure."
*******************************
Writing this pulled at my heartstrings. Haha. And this is how I know I still have a heart. LOLJK.
Hope you liked it and please do vote and comment! Sorry again for making you wait so long! I missed you guys and would love to hear from you. <3