"Here we all sit in God's house, looking over my mother's dead legacy. She loved much but was also blinded by it. She was a sinner for many years. A sinner we probably all have been, but the important things aren't the things we have done as sinners, but as saints. My mom did some things pure-hearted, even though they may not have come to the surface."
I closed my eyes, breathing in the tension of the air and leading out the relief of it being over soon enough.
"I forgive her, God forgives her and, in my heart, she will live on as a saint. Loving for all eternity and correcting her mistakes one by one." I strolled down towards her coffin, gently pressing my hand against the surface. "Goodbye, for now, mother. God is taking care of us down here, just make sure you do not worry. We're all going to be okay."
I fell down on my knees, resting my forehead against the coffin. "I am going to be okay," I whispered to her one last time.
I clenched my fists and rose to my feet, looking over the crowd. "That was all, thank you." I bit my lip and returned to my seat beside Anthony and Liam, who folded their hands.
The priest gave me a nod before he treads forward again. I've written a funeral down on paper before, but nothing could match with the emotions I was feeling. Loneliness, grief, sadness, hollowness, regret. The list went on and on until there was no more emotion to be named.
It was sad.
However, to describe the scene as sad seemed so childish. Sad was something to be waved away with a friendly smile and a pat on the shoulder where some fun things would occur after. But still, sad seemed to describe it very well even though it was nothing to be swept under the carpet. Sad could be called the core of depression, the feeling you felt bumped deep within your heart in your darkest moments. The feeling there really didn't leave you, even though you couldn't identify it any longer.
"In the name of God, the merciful Father, we commit the body of Charlotte Watson to the peace of the grave."
Then the priest took his first handful of dirt and threw it down upon my mother, then the second and last but not least, the third and final, while uttering the words, "from dust you came, to dust you shall return. Jesus Christ, our Saviour, shall raise you up on the last day."
"Lord God, our Father in heaven, Lord God, the Son, the Saviour of the world, Lord God, Holy Spirit, have mercy on us. At the moment of death, and on the last day, save us, merciful and gracious Lord God."
He peeked forward his bible, turning through the pages until he found his destination. I folded my hands in front of me, pressing my lips together as I focused on the hole in the ground before me.
"Let us now listen to the words of Holy Scripture that assure us of God's safe-keeping in life and death."
He took a deep breath and buried his nose in the Bible before him. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
I followed the priest words with my lip, lip-syncing to him in some way.
The priest cleared his throat. "So, do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." I smiled at that. It was the first thing me and Liam ever heard from the bible. She read it up for us; our mother.
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also, in me. My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."
The priest looked at us all. "Let us pray."
"Our father in heaven, we thank you that, through Jesus Christ, you have given us the gift of eternal life. Keep us firm in the faith, that nothing can separate us from your love. When we lose someone, who is dear to us, help us to receive your comfort and to share it with one another. We thank you for what you have given us through Charlotte Watson. We now entrust ourselves to you, just as we are, without sense of loss and of guilt. When the times had come, let us depart in peace, and see you ace to face, for you are the God of our salvation."
And in sync, we all replied, "amen."
"Let us say the Lord's prayer together."
I nodded together with the rest or at least them I could see from the corner of my eyes. I folded my hands tight. "Our Father, who is in heaven. Let your name be kept hole. Let your kingdom come. Let your will be done on earth as in heaven. Give us today our bread for the day to come. And forgive us our sin as we have forgiven those who sin against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. For the kingdom. The power and the glory are yours now and forever. Amen."
The priest walked down and laid his hand upon the coffin's smooth surface. "Give her, o lord, your peace and let your eternal light shine upon her."
"Amen," I uttered with the rest, gulping hard as I knew it was all coming to an end. She would soon enough be buried deep under the ground.
The priest faced the congregation. "Receive the Lord's blessing. The Lord bless you and watch over you. The Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you. The Lord look kindly on you and give you peace; In the name of the father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit."
"Amen," I said again, bowing my head down, drowning in shame.
When the Martinez brothers rose together with Liam and each took a handle to hold, I stayed seated. A beautiful instrumental song rung out through the room as we each and every one stood and followed the priest and the coffin outside, so it could be hoisted down into the dirt.
"Watson!"
I shook my head and glanced behind. "Cynthia!" I stood as quick as I could and protectively folded my arms over my chest. I glanced down her stylish black gown, where a single rose petal was stuck.
"My condolences for your loss. Your mother helped my family a lot, so I personally wanted to say thanks. I may not like you, Watson, but we have one thing in common; our faith. And next time you go to the other church, don't step on the roses. They're not cheap."
Huh?
Before I could open my little mouth to talk, she had stalked away in her high heels, her hair flying behind her. She was weird... and mysterious. I'll probably never understand her or her so-called friends, but for a moment I saw something good in her eyes.
I sighed and bent my head so I could look into the ceiling. "I pray for you, Mother." With that, I followed the air outside and walked over the mud, so see her being hoisted down into the ground, as two young women hymned a final song in the background.
I was the first to take the shovel and dig it into the pile of dirt. I took a good amount and swung it down on her. "Bye," I said and turned my back towards her, letting go of the pain the air had around her. My feet moved as if they had a mind on their own and though my name was being called, I just walked.
I glided my hand down into my purse and took a hold of the key she so generously had given me before blasting her own head off. The letter was down there too, but I figured I would start with unlocking the room she had given me access to.
I rocked on my tip toes as the iron gate closed shut behind me. It was just as it had always been; elderly and hideous. Now it just felt awkward, like the life had been sucked out of it. I strolled up to the door and went inside in the warmth of walls.
In the darkness, I could only see the boring walls and the silhouette of furniture. The wind brought the laughter and joy of the family there once had lived happily here. It sank away into the walls way to quick.
It didn't seem so prison-like when I was younger. It was more awake and light. A good house to play hide and seek in. It had a lot of hidden gems in its young days.
I marched into the living room where beer stuck in the air as if trying to replace it. Empty beer cans hadn't been cleaned since my father's hand had placed them there and cigarettes were scattered where he had once sat and watched television.
I walked over to the stairs and right around them where a hidden corridor was. Of course, I had always known its whereabouts since I loved to play hide and seek with Liam when we were kids. I roamed down towards the end, where a door was.
My mother's whispers hunted me down my neck, making me quiver.
"I am happy with you, I love you and want you more than anything," she whispered. "You saved me."
The passageway had no sign of personality or sanitation. Dust had a nice time flying around in the air and landing on the few lamps on the walls.
My hands whirled around the cold door handle and a gasp escaped mouth. I pulled but didn't get far, since the door was sealed. I fumbled with the key but got it stuck in the lock and twisted it to the side with a single motion. A little click confirmed that it was indeed the right door. What would it else be for? Mom and dad had always warned us to not go in here. It was their little mystery.
I tried again and this time it unlocked, scraping along the floor and throwing a disturbing whining into my ear as the trail of chemicals crashed into my nostrils. I coated my open mouth with my hand and dropped to the floor, landing hard on my knees.
The letter slipped out my hand, ending up on the cold hard floor. It was a child's room, with a bed and all. Different colors bounced out from the once white walls. They danced around the room and filling out the gab of a lost child.
All the drawings had once thing in common; one thing. Mom. It was written in various colors different places over the drawings. One, to my right, was just a couple of pink lines, but the signature in the bottom was not to be mistaken by. NINA. It was written with only capital letters.
This was all the things Liam and I had given Mother through the years of our childhood. She had saved it all in the room there meant the most to her; Mason's room.
I smashed my hands down on the floor, bending my upper body forward in a rush. Screaming subs left my dry throat one after one. Waves of pain crashed against the walls of our past. The cry from my mouth was so raw and in my shocked and black state, it still didn't make sense, but I knew she loved us more than we presumed.
But she was gone now.
A thick flow of tears streamed down my cheeks and my mind finally let my grieve over the loss I had suffered.
"Fuck you world!" I screamed with all the air my lungs had to offer. I gasped for more, wanting to scream and yell at everyone and everything. Unable to look through my puffy eyes, I rolled down on the floor and wept in the silence of the memorize divided across the walls.
A hole, no a dark void, boomed forward, crashing its power into my heart, making everything stop for a single moment before it was finally filled out. It was missing my grief I wouldn't allow myself to feel. My mother was gone. She was fucking gone and I was in all rights to cry my heart out for it, even though she had been a shitty one.
In that moment on the floor, with my mind going wild and my heart beating from depression and suffering, I had hit the bottom... hard.
Now, there was only one way and that was up.
I had promised her that I was going to be okay, it was no time to back out from that.
For now, I could cry and feel the misery of everything. Cry for the life I never had and only could dream off. Cry for the mother I had lost and the father who had never been there. Cry just because I was me and because it wasn't good enough. Cry for everything I had ever felt down or drank upon.
This was it. The last time I would ever feel so down.
It was time to finish my story.
To finish my book.
...
This is officially the last "chapter" of World of teens.
There will be an epilogue to just finish it off probably.
I'll save the speech for the next chapter and all the weird information.
Thank you
-Houzza