"How are you doing?" Liam asked by my side, holding my hand.
"I don't know. Mrs. Hamilton gave me a good description, but there is still something missing."
He squeezed it tighter and single tear wetted my hand. "What is it? Can I help you find it?"
"She gave me a gift when we talked. It was in a square packet. Do you know where it is?" I asked him, catching his glazed eyes.
"Maybe Anthony have it. Shall I find it for you?"
"Yes, please, that would be nice." I croaked a fake smile forward from very deep inside.
He shook his head. "You don't have to fake smile to make me feel better. Our mother died and you've all the right to grief." He stroked my hair away from my sweating temples. "I'll be back in a few minutes and I think Antonio wants to see you soon."
He let go of my hand and strolled towards the closed door. As he grabbed the doorknob, I unfolded my mouth. "You're hurt too, aren't you?"
He sighed. "Yes, very, I loved our mother no matter what. She just left, just like that. No longer in my life, as I wanted." He said it without turning and who could blame him. He just told me he loved the one who had watched his sister get abused by their father.
"You know, at some point, you and I both have to realize that some people aren't supposed to live I our lives, but in our hearts."
"Thanks, I needed that." He cracked the door open. "Now let me find that box for you. I'll be back in a minute." He closed the door shut after him.
I glanced out into the wildness of the city again. Everything appeared fine with cluttered rain dripping down the window and with a soft northern breeze accompanying it to make the trees dance.
Though the sun was nowhere in sight, I knew that it couldn't slip from the sky and soon enough, it would carry its light forward again to brighten up this earth as it always had done.
As I gawked into the unknown, my mind began overthinking. What if I was wrong about the gift? I shook my head violently. No, I wasn't going to overthink things right now, because sometimes it's best to not think at all, not imagine or wonder, and not obsess. Just inhale a deep breath and have faith that this is your path and that everything is going to work out in the end.
"You can do this," I told myself, imagining myself stand strong, wipe my hair away from my face and look everyone dead in the eye; claiming my crown.
Liam burst through the door again, swinging around with the package with mother had thrown to me yesterday. "Here it is. Anthony found it in your hands, so he took care of it."
"Thank you." He granted me the package and relaxed on a chair beside me. I stared at it, turning it upside down to see if there was anything with it.
"So... what are you supposed to do with it?"
I peeped up. "I don't know."
"Maybe try to open. I don't think out mother would write anything on a gift, to be honest."
I agreed and opened the box with care, my fingers skimming over the edges. When the first layer was gone, a little wooden box was left engraved with one letter. N. It was really for me.
"What does 'N' stand for? Nina?" Liam asked and bent in to see it more precisely.
"I don't know." I opened the box with a swipe of my hand, revealing a white folded paper. "A letter?" I stretched my hand down and twirled it around the crunchy piece only to see a key laying very finely underneath. It was old and used more times than my house key. Not that it says a lot.
"What is that for?" Liam asked beside me, guiding me into reality again.
"I don't know."
"You've said that a lot the last five minutes." I smiled as he did. "Um... maybe the letter says what it means?"
I shrugged and began folding it out with extreme care. I promptly recognized the writing as my mothers. The way her A's and M's arched couldn't be done by anyone else. It was long not too long, but longer than I had presumed and with troublesome words.
"Aren't you going to read it?"
I glanced up at him, shaking my head. "No."
"Why? Not long ago you didn't want anything else?"
"I just... I just want to wait for a little."
I coughed, my brother's hands quickly girded around me in an embrace of sympathy and regard. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine."
"You know, I know you worry about a lot of things and especially Mother and Father. They're sinners and defiantly not someone you should be feeling down about or blaming yourself about." He stroked my hair, settling down the paper for me and sealing the box.
"But I'm a sinner too... We all are." I bit my lip, squeezing back the emotions.
"Well... can't we be sinners to be saints? God is forgiving and he knows how pure your heart is." He pointed at my chest. "You may have sinned in your past, but that does not make you a sin. Only what you choose to do after and forever is what decides if you're a saint or a sin."
I placed my hand nearby his cheek. "You always bring light to our faith. Thanks for that."
"You're welcome. Our parents may not have given us much, but they gave us each other and our faith... that's all I ever need." He smiled, pressing his hand upon mine. "Remember that, Nina. You're more important to me than anyone else and I regret all I have ever done to hurt you. I will make it up to you. That's my promise to you and Him."
A sparkling tear glistered in the corner of my sight. "Thank you for coming back to me."
"Always." He settled his forehead on mine and wordlessly shut his eyes. I imitated him and took deep breathes, his breath jostling my exposed neck once my own breath was released.
"I have to go now, but Anthony will be here shortly." He tore away, making sure to stroke a strand of hair behind my ear before stepping completely away. "I also think Antonio would like to talk to you... his mother did also die... in some way."
"Yeah, of course. Just go, I'll be fine."
"Okay, great.... and remember that if you would like to talk about anything, I am right here. Just give me a call or something."
I glimpsed down. "I don't have a phone."
He sighed genuinely and ran a hand within his hair. "Well, I suppose mom and dad never thought about buying one to you." He was in thought for a moment or two. "We're gonna buy you one as soon as you leave this creepy place. Deal?"
"Deal."
"Good."
He then rotated his frame around and left the room one step at the time. He politely closed the door after him, leaving me alone until Anthony would come see me. I missed him, to be honest. I fell way to hard this time.
Why am I actually still here? I may be broken, but I haven't fallen completely apart yet. Why have I survived?
The door wielded open and with a happy thought, I twisted to see at Anthony. "Anthony I am so sor... Gabriella?"
"Hey, Nina." She closed the door after her, turning her whole torso in doing so. "I may not be the person you hoped to see, but I have to talk to you because you're actually the only person who fully knows about my relationship with your mother."
"I'm sorry, but I don't have anything to say right now." I spun away from her, gazing out the glass.
"No one knows how much I cried that day Antonio first came home to us. He was an angel, but not mine. I'm so sorry and in the light of the events, I have come to the conclusion that I was the one that caused everything. It was my decision to take Antonio away from your parents twenty-six years ago. The event that caused all of this to escalate."
She cleared her throat, but I still didn't answer.
"He was a beautiful boy growing up, really a good resembles of your mother, however, as he entered his teenage years, your fathers features dominated. He was friendly by nature, more caring than any other of my sons. He believes in God, like you and your family. That's why he became a lawyer; to put the sinners behind bars where they belonged."
Silence whacked through again, but only for her to interrupt it once again.
"God, I know this is weird to say since I am not Christian in any way, but I think that God is up to something and this was the way it was all supposed to play out... you know about your brother. I only wanted the best life for him and personally, I believe that I gave him it. What I did was wrong, but I gave him a loving and caring family which is the reason he is the man he is today. I'll not apologize for making him a good man, but I will apologize for everything else. For causing your parents so much hurt and in some way causing the pain you're feeling today. Your mother meant a lot to me and I am so sorry for your loss."
After a moment I spoke, "do you miss her?"
Her words scattered to the floor, "Every damn day. Deep inside she was a good and loving person. I just think she fell in love with the wrong person."
"See everything revolves around my father. He was the reason for all of this. He killed my mother, he drew my brother away, he abused me and he did it all because he lost one of his sons. His pride and joy if you can say it like that. Maybe it is your fault, but him being like he is wasn't your fault. You taking Antonio just triggered it."
"You must still be the one hurting most from all of this and I am sorry."
"You shouldn't say sorry to me, but to my mother. She was the one who ended up with her name engraved in a headstone." For the first time, while Gabriella had been her, I twisted to look her in the eye, watching grief and sorrow glide down her cheeks.
God, I wished I could cry like her right now because I should. My mother killed herself, I should be crying a river in someone's arms while shouting how this wasn't fair, but nope, that wasn't what my subconscious chose to do.
"You're right, you don't need a sorry. I have figured out that much. You need someone to tell you that everything Isn't alright, that your world has indeed fallen into the ocean, but that it's all going to be alright in the end. He has a plan for you and soon enough the rainbow will replace the storm."
I nodded my head slowly, the calm feeling of her words brushing against my skin as a light September breeze. "Thank you for that. I really needed it."
"I was once broken too. Your mother helped me and I never repaid her. If I can help you, Charlotte will not ask for another payment, I am sure."
"You say that as if she loved me."
"Her life was complicated, but if there was one thing she did, then it was to love. She loved you very much, sadly, she loved your father more." She captured my hand, her sweat mingling with mine, creating a hot tension between us.
"I know, she always loved too hard to not be broken in the end," I said with a heavy sigh.
"You're a clever girl, Nina, you're going to figure this out at some point and if it reassures you in any way, I'll be there to help you whenever you need me."
"I appreciate that." I glanced down at the box in my lap. "But I think I have to do this on my own."
"Do you want to honor your mother's memory?"
"Sinner or saint, all our lives are stories there deserves to be written down."