*sigh*. Writing this book causes so many emotions since like every chapter, at least one member cries. Most being Jungkook cause he is still the baby of the group.😂💕💕
Well this story is called hate. And yeah.
CHAPTER 23
Spilling out
Even though we had a week of rest before promotions, I still woke up to the sound of my hyung's shouting outside. I groaned. What is it now?
Getting out an new shirt and pants, I remember the cuts I did yesterday. I remembered when Taehyung told me that he is sorry to make me cut again. I remembered how I just got out of his bed and quickly went to sleep without any words.
Panic engulfed me. No. He was making a guess. But if if he did knew about me self harming? What if he had felt the blade in my pocket.
I touched the sides of my sweatpants, panic washed over my face once I realised that my blade was gone. Taehyung didnt take it right?
I turned towards his bed, realising that he was already awake and downstairs with the others. I searched everywhere until I remembered something. I put it back under my pillow. Literally running to my bed, I quickly lifted up my pillow, sighing in relief once I see my blade there.
But it still doesn't change the fact that Taehyung knows. My own boyfriend knows that I do this to myself.
I changed into my clothes before looking at the cut on my wrist. How do I cover this? I groan in frustration before looking through my bag, seeing a bandaid. Maybe this will help?
Putting the bandaid on the cuts, I realised that it looks pretty obvious but I didn't care. As long as no one actually see the actual cut. I walk downstairs and the first thing I saw was everyone surrounding Yoongi and Jimin, who both had wide smiles on their faces.
I walked towards them, Taehyung notices me, he plants a soft smile on his face. "Good morning Kookie!".
Even though last night was still a blur to me, i returned the smile. "Morning TaeTae,". Taehyung smiles at that, that I replied to him, "what's happening here?" I soon asked, confused with why Yoongi and Jimin has a huge smile on their faces while everyone surrounds them.
"We are dating!" Jimin says happily. I widened my mouth in shock.
"Yessss! I knew this would happen! Congrats!!" I said while clapping my hands like a 5 years old kid.
From the corner of my eyes, I see Taehyung chuckling before he frowns, looking at something towards me. I stopped my childish side and followed his gaze, eyes widened as he was looking at my wrist, with the bandaid.
I frowned before looking down, feeling ashamed of myself.
"Jungkook? Your mood just changed so sudden, what happened?" I hear Jin ask me, spotting the concern in his voice.
"N-nothing..."
"Are you sure? You know we are here for you right?"
This is what I mean. I am a burden to them. They always have to take care of me. But I don't want the care. I want to take care of myself. "I-I'm Fine hyung..".
"Ok..."
Taehyung suddenly stands up, walking over to me. "Jungkook. Come on. Let's talk..".
I nodded without even saying a word as I followed him to the couches in the living room. I sat down with him next to me.
"Jungkook..."
"Yes?"
He sighs, noticing that I am not going to start the topic first.
"What's wrong? Seriously..."
What's wrong? What is wrong that you know that I c—
"Look Jungkook. I know you self harm. Please, don't do it anymore please..." he pleas, holding gently onto my wrist, noting wanted to hurt the fresh cut on my wrist.
I wanted to say, I'm ok before footsteps were heard. "Jungkook...." I looked behind me and there was the others, looking shocked.
Waves of anger and fright came over me. Anger because they decided to hear our conversation and fright because, what would they think of me now? What they still accept me? Am I really just a useless being?
"I-I'm S-sorry..." I said as tears brimmed the edge of my eyes.
"When did this start!?" I could feel the sadness yet anger in their voices. I felt scared now. Taehyung just sat there, holding onto me. He didn't help me answer but then I knew he couldn't. Because I never told him this too.
"B-before d-debut..." I whispered softly, not looking at their eyes. I didn't want to talk with anyone. I wish I never walked out of the bedroom. I should have stayed in there.
"Why didn't ever tell us?! Did you do it after debut too!?" At this point, I was shaking, my forehead was sweating, my heart starting to race. I was scared as hell. I knew they were angry that I never told them. Taehyung had noticed this.
"Jungkook! Calm down please!" He says next to me. I didn't even realise the tears that I was holding in the whole time were spilling out now. He tried to hug me but I just pushed him away and cradled myself in a ball. I rocked myself back and forth with tears spilling out. I kept mumbling the words, 'I'm sorry..'.
"I'm sorry for ever existing. I'm sorry for never telling you guys. I'm sorry for being a burden to you guys. I'm sorry for always crying. I'm sorry for my parents, that they have to live with this 'accident'. I'm sorry for being a pathetic, useless excuse of a human!".
The others had stopped moving. Obviously shocked because of my words. "Jun-.".
I interrupted them. "I'm sorry for having so many problems in my life. I'm sorry for you guys living with me and always have to waste your times focusing on me and my problems. I'm sorry for everything..my life, my parents, my friends, my family...".
They tried to talk again but I interrupted...again.
"Maybe my parents were right. I am an excuse of an human. Maybe I do deserve those beatings that they did to me. I am useless, worthless. I don't even know why I am here in the first place. I shouldn't be loved by people around the world. I shouldn't even be in this group..."
"S-stop j-."
But before they got to talk, I had already stood up, running to the bedroom, locking the door. Right when I got inside, I collapse on the floor.
Why does everything in my life have problems? So many problems. I cannot deal with this anymore. I got up and ran towards my pillow, pulling out my blade once again.
I began to make 9 cuts across my wrist. I didn't care anymore. One for Jin.
"how he always care about me." I muttered.
One for Yoongi.
"For always being the savage hyung that I love."
One for Hoseok.
"For being the best sunshine in the world, always trying to cheer up people.".
One for Namjoon.
"For being the best leader in the world."
One for Jimin.
"For being the best brother I've ever had for the past 5 years.."
I hesitated on Taehyung's cut...but I still did it.
"For being the best boyfriend. I-I don't even know how y-you put up with m-me..."
For myself. I didn't have any reason. I already knew inside my head.
For my parents.
"I still love you guys, even I hate you at the same time...I deserve everything. M-maybe you were right after all..."
And for the world and ARMYS.
"I'm sorry for existing. I'm sorry for doing this to myself...I-i love you ARMYS..always..."
I dropped the blade, making it cause a clink on the floor. I looked at the fresh cuts on my arm as the blood rolls off my arm. I realised what I done before an explosion of tears covered my sight.
"I-I'm s-so Sorry..".
That's when I heard the bang of the door opening and my 6 hyungs standing in front of the door, gasping at the sight.
"Jungkook!?"
**
...i cried for Jungkook in this story so much while writing this.
I'm weird...
-McTae_Tae-