●Dean●
It took Cas two days to get settled into my dorm as he only brought half his things and already had a lot of that here. Nothing really changed between us, only that the uncertainty of whether I would wake up with Cas in my arms completely vanished. That was a guarantee now. And with my eighteenth birthday rapidly approaching, everything was perfect. Well, almost. The only problem was the nightmares. They came out of nowhere, resembling the one a few weeks ago as well as old ones of my mother. I dreamed about terrible storms and death, mostly me but sometimes Cas too. My lungs would be filled with water once again or I would be strangled by an invisible force or I would simply be writhing in unspeakable pain. Things became even worse when I would have to watch Cas go through that suffering. I would wake up in a cold sweat, gasping for air and just hoping I wouldn't wake Cas. He didn't need to worry about me. And lucky for me, Cas was a heavy sleeper and stayed unconscious each time I broke free from the seemingly endless torture. It felt wrong to keep this from him, but they were just nightmares. If it meant losing some sleep for Cas's peace of mind, it was well worth it.
•••
Cas let me sleep in way too long on Thursday. It was almost eleven when I finally woke up. He didn't let me freak out like I would have done to him, like I have done, before explaining that we didn't have school. "I wouldn't expect school tomorrow either," he told me with a wink, his eyes seemingly shining a brighter blue than normal.
I didn't even move my head from the pillow I'd claimed. "You had everything to do with this." It wasn't a question.
"Happy birthday," he said instead, which was practically an admission of guilt since my birthday wasn't for another two days.
"You know, I was fine with going to school today and tomorrow. My birthday is on Saturday, so I got that off already."
"I didn't want to go to school though. Think of this as an early present."
I smiled, wrapping my arm around my pillow. "Speaking of presents... Are you waiting to give me mine?"
"Who said I was getting you anything?" I watched him change out of his t-shirt and into a white sweater that went well with the dark jeans he'd already put on. "Enjoying yourself?" Cas asked with a raised eyebrow.
"It's a wonderful view."
He scoffed at that but still came over and sat beside me. The slight dip in the mattress was one that I'd grown accustomed to. I smiled at the fact that Cas and I had grown so close. He touched my face lightly, brushing my hair to the side.
"Why are you dressed?" I asked him, then I realized how weird it sounded. "Sorry, that's not what I meant."
"I'm picking up lunch." I started to ask where, but he knew it was coming. "Chinese takeout from down the street."
I started to get up, but Cas shook his head at me. "I'll go with you," I almost pleaded. "I don't want you going alone."
"It's okay, really." He touched my face once again. "It's a short walk, and it'll be nice to clear my head in the cold air. I-" He quickly pressed his lips together before resuming. "I have a lot on my mind."
"Okay. Just be careful."
"I will." He kissed me on the forehead and slipped out of the room, shrugging on a coat. I didn't fail to notice the way his smile disintegrated the moment he thought I couldn't see. Nothing made my heart break quite like that distressed frown or knowing that something was eating him up and there was nothing I could do.
•••
"Fucking Tadashi."
I looked up at Cas, startled. When Cas told me that he'd never watched Big Hero 6, this wasn't the reaction I was expecting to Callaghan's story. He hadn't said a word the whole time until that.
"Uh?"
"Tadashi. He ran in that building to save Callaghan, and he didn't even deserve to be saved. Look at everything he's doing."
That surprised me. How could he think that after learning about Abigail? "But it was out of grief. He lost his daughter."
"That makes it okay? He's allowed to do whatever he wants because he lost someone? He's allowed to destroy other people's lives? His revenge put innocent people in danger; it killed Tadashi."
"What are you saying?"
He turned back to the screen, biting his lip. "I don't know. I just don't think Callaghan deserves some special treatment. Lots of people get hurt, lose people they love, and they don't do the things he did. Tadashi and Hiro and Aunt Cass... They all deserved more than this."
"Are you sure everything is okay?"
He smiled, almost sadly. "I'm just overthinking the movie. Sorry. Just ignore me."
Cas focused back to the movie, seemingly already forgetting about everything. I, on the other hand, didn't think his words were going too leave me anytime soon.
•••
"Are you awake?" I whispered. It was pitch black and well past ten, the time Cas said he was going to sleep.
I felt him roll over beside me. "Yeah."
"Okay. Good. We should go to prom together." I realized that wasn't how I wanted that to come out.
Cas was quiet for a while before a yawn broke the silence. "Really? Is that how you're asking me? What happened to the big promposal you promised me?"
I shifted uncomfortably. "I never said that. But I was just making sure you wanted to go. If you want, your big proposal will come later," I added.
"Actually I think there's someone I want to ask."
I smiled. "Oh, really?"
"Yeah. They're very attractive and smart and play the piccolo. Really just amazing." He moved closer to me, burying his face in my chest.
"Is it me?"
"You?" I felt the vibrations of his muffled voice by my collarbone, which was an odd sensation. "No, I'm asking Jo."
I started laughing. "I think her boyfriend might have a problem with that."
"And what about my boyfriend?" He was enjoying teasing me.
I decided to be honest. "He might get a little jealous too."
Cas hummed into my chest, sending another wave of vibrations through my skin. "Well, in that case..." He nodded, which I thought was the end of our conversation, but he turned his head so his next words would come out clear. "I would love to go to prom with you."
○Cas○
It was almost three in the morning when I heard Dean the first time. He made a noise that could only be described as anguish as his body temperature plummeted. I wasn't sure if the noise or the sudden cold woke me up, but I was awake nonetheless. I had almost fallen back to sleep when Dean made the sound again. He was having a nightmare, and like other nights in which his dreams were filled with terror, I had no idea how to proceed. Waking him seemed like the best idea, yet he would probably stay awake for the rest of the day. If he didn't sleep now, he wasn't going to sleep for another twenty hours. Dean has pulled all-nighters to study, but I didn't want him doing it now. His birthday was the next day; he would want to be well rested to face his family and whatever their plans were. So once again, I let his dreams continue, just hoping it was the right thing to do.
I couldn't sleep for hours after that, as I told myself that if one more whimper came out of Dean's mouth, I would wake him. While that never happened, he did start talking in his sleep. From that alone, I got a decent picture of what all was going on in his mind.
I caught him mumbling my name and portions of my name, along with mentions of the rain and his father, John not Bobby. But the part that sent a chill down my spine was when he breathed out a single word: unstable. This was also followed by my name, a connection that made me go cold. And not just me. I felt the whole room drop in temperature, something I didn't mean to do.
Uneasy, I lifted my hand a few inches above me and warmed up the air. Dean's nightmare had drained his body of its usual fiery heat, and he happily curled into me. Despite his pounding heart, which I could feel as his body pressed into mine, he never made any noise that would suggest his dreams had been interrupted by nightmares. Just like that, everything was back to normal.
°°°
It wasn't my intention to start anything, but then again, the road to hell was paved with good intentions. All I did was kiss Dean after I got out of the shower and finished getting ready to head to bed. It was Dean who pulled me back in, parting my lips before backing away with a smirk.
"Did you use my toothpaste?"
Yes, I did. I ran out two days ago and have been using yours. This is the first time you've noticed. But all I said was, "Maybe."
Dean shook his head in a way that wasn't upset or annoyed at all. No matter what he would say afterwards. His eager kiss also lent itself to the not annoyed side.
I felt his tongue run along my lips, almost begging for entrance. Then every ounce of exhaustion I felt before that melted away. Suddenly, I was wide awake. Minute after minute of our moment passed as the moment itself got more and more heated. And between my ability to control the temperature and Dean's body heat... Well, the room got considerably warmer too.
Right up until Dean started tugging at the waistband off my sweatpants. I felt my stomach drop and with it, the temperature. Everything hit me all at once: how fast Dean and I were moving, how far Dean intended on this going, how close we were and how close we were to dozens of other boys from our school. I felt guilty about it the second it crossed my mind, but I couldn't help but wonder if this was all Dean wanted. I mean, we had only been together for a few months, and here he was, wanting to have sex. Maybe that's all this was. Maybe Dean was just humoring me all this time when we talked about the future and how we felt about each other.
No. That's impossible. I'm just overreacting.
Dean pulled away the moment he felt the icy air. I think I stiffened up in his arms too, but I wasn't so sure.
"Is everything okay, Cas?" He only had to look at me to see that it wasn't. "Oh God. I'm so sorry."
"I'm just- I'm not ready for... that," I drifted off, looking away from Dean.
"It's perfectly fine. I don't know what I was thinking; I should've made sure it was okay before I went any further. I'm sorry, Cas."
I nodded, trying to get my heart to settle so I could hear myself think. "It's fine, Dean. I'm tired. Just- Goodnight."
With that, I laid down so my back was facing Dean, almost so far from him that I was off the bed. It's not that I didn't want to have sex with Dean, just not there, at that moment. I felt like we needed to wait for a time when my mind wasn't a mess with figuring out my problem with my powers. Besides, who even knew what would happen with my powers so out of whack? I didn't want to accidently electrocute him while we were...
I could feel Dean watching me, but I didn't turn around, not even when I heard his breathing even out into a peaceful sleep.
●Dean●
What the hell did I just do?
•••
For the hundredth time that day, I glanced at Cas from across the room, trying to figure out what was going on in his head. He barely talked to new all morning, only wishing me a happy birthday. I tried to bring up what happened the night before, but he shot me down each time. And when we got to my house around noon, he disappeared to talk to everyone but me. Right now, he was taking to Benny. They seemed to be having a good time, except Benny kept shooting me confused looks. Me too, pal.
Finally, I caved. "Hey, can I talk to you?"
Jo dragged her eyes up to my face. "What's up?"
"In private, Jo. Please."
Her expression changed from her usual goofy grin, and she told Zayn that she had to go for a while. "Okay, what's going on?" she asked when we got to her room. It looked the same as ever: from the light grey walls to the unmade bed to the clothes hanging out of her hamper. It was comforting, in a way. "Is this about Cas and why he's been so weird all day?"
So, I told her. Everything. From the dreams of my mother and Cas to what happened last night. She stayed quiet for a long time afterwards, not having said a word since I began.
"Okay," she said slowly. "I have a few questions." I nodded, telling her to go on. "First, the dreams. Explain what you meant by recurring nightmares."
"They started years ago. I would have nightmares about my mother dying for weeks around the anniversary of her death. Well, I say that like they stopped. But I started dreaming about Cas dying this year too. I thought they ended until a week or so ago. I- I dreamed that Cas was dying like Mary did, but I was the one who started the fire. It was like... like I couldn't control myself. I knew what was happening, but I couldn't make myself stop. And then I had to watch him slowly die." I looked down at my hands, neatly folded in my lap where I sat cross-legged on my sister's bed. They were shaking. "I've been having those nightmares all week, Jo, and I'm scared. I don't want to think I could become like him." She knew what I meant, despite my lack of elaboration. I didn't have to say that I didn't want to become John: untrusted, unloved, unwelcomed by his family, unable to control himself or his powers. Unstable. "I'm terrified."
"Where does Cas come into this?"
"I love him, Jo; I don't want him getting hurt because of me."
She seemed to regret the words before they even passed her lips. "So, your idea of not hurting him is to have sex with him?"
"I wasn't thinking last night." Her face screamed Obviously. "What am I supposed to do?"
"About Cas? Just give him some time and space. Let him think everything through. As for your other problem? Wait and see if those dreams mean anything. If so, you might want to think about distance for yourself. And Cas. If there's really something wrong, you need to tell Mom and Dad so we can figure this out together."
"Please," I begged, "don't say anything to anyone. Not yet."
"If you say so. But I hope you know what you're doing."
Me too.
•••
Cas walked into our room, kicking off his shoes and going straight to the shower without a word. Just like the rest of the day. When he came out, fully dressed, I moved to him. "Cas, please talk to me. This silence is driving me up a wall. I don't know if this is about last night or something else, but I can't know unless you tell me. I hate spending the day without talking to you."
He swallowed, hugging his arms to his chest. "I just don't know what to say to you. I don't know why last night is bothering me so much, but it is. You were so ready to take this a step further, but I'm not. It just feels like we're in two different frames of mind now."
Hesitantly, I touched his face. "Nothing changed between us: we're still on the same side here. I'm still Dean, and you're still Cas. I get it that you're not ready, and I respect that. I completely understand. Honestly, I don't even know if I'm ready." I moved to rub the back of my neck uncomfortably. "I guess I just got caught up in the moment last night. But if you can, I'd like to just go back to the way we were before. I don't like this tension and not being able to talk to you. So if you're ready, whenever that may be, I'll be here for you in any way."
I ducked my head and went to the bathroom, but Cas grabbed my wrist, a panicked look on his face. "You're making it sound like we're breaking up. We're not, are we?"
I saw a flash of blue out of my peripheral vision, which I ignored. "No, Cas. We're not breaking up. I was just saying that-"
I never got a chance to finish as Cas's lips crashed into my own. It wasn't until a few moments later that I realized he was crying. Tears dripped onto my face, stinging so much worse than his silence today.
"I don't want anything to change between us."
I ran my thumb under his eye, wiping away some of his tears. "Then it won't."