Chapter 29 - Lies
Julia's P.O.V.
I can only stare. Harry had answered the phone and as he talked, he watched me. He'd uttered a barely audible "Aunt Jane, who was it?" And then he went pale. Terror is icy in my veins, freezing me to my spot. I don't want to know who was in the accident.
Harry seems to have a different idea as he slowly slides his phone back into my pocket, glancing at me with pain in his eyes.
"Harry, what is it? What's going on?" The words tumble past my lips breathlessly. My heart is pounding. I can hear it in my ears. It's going to pound out of my chest. "Let's take you home." He barely whispers, so quietly I wonder if I imagined it.
His arm slides through mine again and I'm following him silently towards the car. I am so terrified. What's happened? Did something happen to his father? Harry's green eyes are focused forwards, jaw set. His face is blank, brows furrowed in thought. Finally I can't handle to look at his face any longer so I quickly draw my gaze down to his arm.
What happened that's so bad he won't even look at me? But then I see it. His arm is trembling. In fact, his whole body is. Despite the warm summer night, he's shaking like a leaf as he reaches to open the door for me.
I slide into the cool car, keeping my gaze on my dress. The only thing that hangs in the air is silence. Dead silence. Harry won't speak and I'm afraid to. I'm too scared to even look up at him. So slowly and carefully, I slide my hand over to place on his. There's a short pause before he withdraws his hand from mine, placing it on the steering wheel.
Hurt flashes through me and my hand stings as if he'd slapped it. When I look up at him, his expression hurts even more. His brows are furrowed deeply in sorrow, eyes glossy with raw pain. I actually would strongly prefer he'd slap my hand over this. The pain is nowhere near as bad as seeing him hurting.
When finally, he pulls up in front of my massive home.
And then his eyes meet mine.
A shock is sent through me and I recoil as if I've been pushed. Because it's then I realize the pain isn't for himself. He's hurting for what he's going to tell me.
"I don't want to know." I immediately whisper, feeling tears prick my eyes.
"Julia..." He chokes, his large hand raising to cup my cheek. He clenches his jaw, blinking quickly. His head ducks for a moment and I see his brows furrow in brief anger. I can't even breathe.
"Julia, I hate myself for being the one to tell you." He barely breathes, his eyes closing as his face contorts in pain. "Harry, please.." I whimper hoarsely, tilting my head to rest my cheek in his palm. My hands come up to grab his wrist, my other hand placing over the back of his to keep him close to me. I need him close to me. And finally, he opens his eyes and looks up, hesitantly meeting my gaze.
"Julia, your mother." He mumbles thickly.
And I die.
My hands fall limply into my lap as I gaze at him blankly.
"Pips, she was in an accident." He whispers guiltily as if he's the cause of it. His words hang in the air.
My throat tightens, the lies trying to force their way to cut off my breathing. But I've beat them to it. I stopped breathing the moment his glossy eyes met mine with that awful, raw guilt.
But there are no tears in my own eyes. The wetness rimming my eyes has gone. My mouth is dry. My heartbeat has all but stopped. Someone carved a hole in me. Someone has jabbed a rugged knife into me and cut a hole out of me. I can feel my insides crumbling to nothing. I can feel my heart slowly sinking and leaking out, leaving me empty and cold. My lungs burn for air but I have no motivation to breathe in. There is nothing but emptiness.
"Say something." He finally breathes, brows furrowing pleadingly.
But I can't obey his command. In fact I can't even move. I just stare at him stupidly. Harry flinches, fumbling to unbuckle his seatbelt as he leans closer, cupping my face as his thumbs rub against my cheeks feverishly, his eyes rimming with tears. I notice absentmindedly, I've never seen him cry before.
"Julia, please.." He chokes, his shoulders bouncing once with a suppressed cry as his lip trembles violently.
"Say something, move, breathe, cry, scream, just do something, you're scaring me, baby!" He begs frantically.
"You're lying." I finally mumble, all the air I'd been holding rushing out.
His head hangs for a moment as he lets out a relieved huff before his eyes lift to meet mine as he shakes his head. "No, honey, I'm sorry. I'm not lying." He whispers breathlessly.
And it hits me.
She's really dead.
And suddenly I feel so exhausted.
I reach up to push his hands away from me, swinging open the car door as I stumble out dizzily. I hear Harry's door slam shut and his footsteps pad around the car until he's standing n front of me. And then the crying comes.
My shoulders bounce with silent sobs, my chest wracking for breaths to keep up with my cries. Harry's face immediately crumples, his hands reaching towards me.
"No!" I shriek, causing both of us to jump from the volume that I didn't know I had the strength for. Suddenly, anger is flowing through me and I shove against Harry's chest as hard as I can, surprising both of us when he stumbles backwards. But the pain on his face isn't because of me, it's for me.
"I hate you!" I sob, wavering on the heels that are now an obstacle from not falling over.
"I hate you, stop lying to me, this isn't funny!" I barely whimper, struggling to keep my balance.
But Harry doesn't look hurt like I expect. Instead his voice is a soft plea, his hands twitching towards me.
"Julia, darling. I know it hurts, please, let me help you." He takes one step towards me and I immediately stagger away, my stomach flipping when I fall backwards onto the hard asphalt. Harry's eyes immediately widen and he bends down to help me. But I don't care. I don't want him to touch me.
"Leave me alone!" I shout, pulling my hand away.
"You cut your hand, Julia, let me help you..." He says quietly, gripping my elbow lightly.
"Get away from me!" I snap, ripping my arm free of his grasp. My throat burns from the violent sobs that tear their way up my throat. And then I'm exhausted again.
My head hangs as I cry and cry. I only have enough energy to bat Harry's hand away when it touches my shoulder.
"What's going on out here?" Tony's voice booms across the night, light from the house spilling across the yard.
"I need help!" Harry calls to him, his hand gripping my arm again. "Don't touch me." I moan, shifting to hug my knees. The silky dress pulls uncomfortably at my hips but I don't care, hiding my face in my arms. I struggle to tune out the voices that are suddenly humming around me. I faintly recognize Thomas and Alice. I recognize Tony and Laura. I definitely recognize Harry's, I'd know that voice anywhere. But I don't want to hear any of their voices.
"I'm so sorry..." I hear Harry whisper, his breath warm on my cheek.
And I grow rigid.
"'I'm sorry' is just a way of saying 'I'm glad what happened to you didn't happen to me.'" I choke, leaning away from his touch. I can barely draw in a breath through the sobs. Everything is blurred from tears but there's one thing I can make out distinctly. Harry's shocked face.
"It did happen to me." He whispers quietly.
And I fall silent.
There is no hurt in his voice. There is no anger. The only thing I can hear in his voice is sympathy. And this causes my sobs to quiet to weakened cries. There are so many hands on me. So many hands rubbing my back, my hair, resting on my knee. They all disappear, replaced by one arm sliding around my back, the other looping under my knees.
I know who it is. I know I was screaming I hated him. I know I wouldn't let him touch me. But by now, I'm too tired to care. I don't want to move. I just keep my eyes closed, my face buried in his chest as weak cries wrack me.
My arms are curled to my chest as I let him cradle me like a baby.
I feel myself bounce and sway as he walks, as he walks up the stairs, as I'm laid into bed. I feel myself being stirred as he pulls the pins from my hair and it trickles down my back. I hear daintier footsteps come into the room as his leave. I feel the dress being pulled over my head and the new clothes being pulled on.
I hear Harry coming back in and his soft humming as he slides in the bed behind me, wrapping his arm around me. And the last thing I know before I fall asleep is my face is sticky with tears, Harry's body is warm around mine, and theres a gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to lay.