Two years. Two, miserable years since I last saw his face, touched his chocolaty biceps, smelled his scent which kinda made me think of sour patch kids and apple flavored twizzlers. Two years and I am sick of being apart from him. Mister Wonka.. Where are you, you sexy son of a bitch?
I was higher than the high sierra.. literally. I was on top of the Washington monument, looking over the whole city of Washington. Wondering, how in the hell did I get on top of this thing in the first place?
No matter. Not now, anways. What matters now is hunting those bastards.
Just as I was about to ninja flip off of this cement behemoth, I hear ZZ top playing in the distance. I peek through some random binoculars that I pulled out of nowhere, because I have no bag with me, what so ever, and my booty shorts are too tight to breathe in let alone put binoculars in. Anyways, I pull that out and I peek through. Yes, she's coming. Riding in a mad max looking rig, radio blasting so loudly that the windows cracked slightly, was my best friend and partner in crime: Spearmint.
110 lbs of dirty blonde haired craziness, with her thick framed glasses that miraculously survived the Loompa takeover, a run in with an ex boyfriend and being dropped into a toilet... a billion times. Anyways, she and I have known each other since we both came out of the womb. Which is technically impossible since she's two years my junior. Is that even the right term?
Anyways, we've known each other for as long as I can remember. And I can't remember much, so this says a lot. Now what was I doing again? Oh right, standing ontop of a ridiculously high place watching my best friend park nearby.
Like a majestic angel descending from heaven above, I leap from the Washington monument and as I fall, feeling the wind whip past me like a thick cloud of locusts I think: Shit. And pummel face down into Mint's car.
KUWHAM!! was the noise that was made when I hit the car. Obviously..
"What the actually fudge?!" shouted Mint as she kicked the door open and strided out before slapping my ass.
I slowly lifted myself from the dented metal before groaning. "Only love.. can hurt like this." then rubbing my head afterward.
Mint put her hands on her hips before biting the bottom of her lip. "I bagged three more who were hiding out at the mall. These little orange shitbags are getting more and more scarce in this area. I think we need to move up north. Maybe we'll find more-"
"Mint.." I couldn't help but intterupt her, I had to say something about our future. I stared down at the pavement below me, then lifted my eyes to her. "What will we do with our lives if we kill em all? What if we take down general Loompus and it's all over with? Then what?"
Mint's mouth pooched and hung off to the side, something she always did when she was thinking. A hum left her throat. "I really don't know. I mean.. live until we die, I guess."
I winced at that answer. "Do you think there is more to life than this? I mean, do you think we can repopulate the earth?"
Mint's eyes widened then she lifted her hands. "Hey, I know I've never been real good at the laws of attraction, but I don't think I swing that way."
I felt blood rush to my cheeks as I shake my head. "Ew no. I mean, with guys!"
Mint looked like she was tired of my foolish talk then turned to the driver's side door. "Get in, we need to trade in our catch before the corpses start to rot."
I swung my head as if she hadn't diminished my pride before I strode to the other side. We both slipped into the car and drove off.
***
Las vegas, Nevada. Once the most lively city right next to New York, now lie desolate with but a few residents. A tiny group of survivors who were also rescued by Willy and his little boy band. I never really caught their names. Oh wait, hold on.. I remember. Miles and Gerald. Yes.
Anyways, this small group is made out of three guys and a girl. One of the guys was an older gentleman with master skills in weaponry. He can make weapons out of anything. And here and lately, he's been making weapons out of something you wouldn't think be possible. Candy. He merged candy and steel, creating nearly impenetrable weapons. His latest is a licorice whip that I have my eyes on. Damn, it was beautiful and I hope this bounty is enough.
Mint parked the car in front of of what looked like an old Casino resort. Worn down and ruined, but still strong enough to be decent shelter for those who resided in it. With a pop to the trunk, we both exited and each grabbed a sack of dead loompas to present to mister weapon master.
The lobby was where he made his delicious little loompa killers, and the lobby was the first room we found ourselves in when we passed the threshold of the building. I could almost feel my toes tingle from all the excitement I was feeling about getting my whip. As we went up to the counter, a small little crazy looking dog that looked like a mixture of a Wookie and some sort of irish wolfhound come running up to me. He started jumping up on me, ever so happy to see me.
"Dammit, sit down!" Mint commanded in a stern tone.
The dog, who's name was literally "Dammit", sat down and looked up at his momma with sad eyes.
"Oooh, I can't stay mad at you." she cooed before petting his head and turning her attention to the man who was sitting on an old computer chair, looking down through tiny spectacles at what looked like metallic cherries.
Then, he slowly looked up at us. And with wise and dark eyes he said: "Honky tonk badonkadonk." and at that moment I realized that he was as wise as fuck, man. I mean I had a spiritual moment when I heard him utter those beautiful words.
"So, you girls weeewoooo got the bounty I asked for? Weewooo." he asked, slipping his magnifying spectacles off.
Mint nodded, then threw the sack of loompa bodies onto the table. "We didn't get the amount you-"
"Wweeewoooo. Then you don't get the whip." he interrupted, like the majestic and wise bastard he is.
I gasped, then slammed my nub onto the table angrily. I say nub because I lost my hand during a freak accident. I wondered how hot a microwave could get. BAD IDEA. (Not what really happened, I just don't feel like talking about it right now) "What?! But I need that licorice whip! I want it! I want to feel it all over my bodeh, I want it to move my bodeh. I want to move it, move it." I then pointed at the dog. "He wants to move it move it." then I pointed at Mint. "She wants to move it move it. We want to, MOVE IT!"
Mint shook her head. "What she is saying is that she wants that whip more than anything, sir."
"Please...weewoo.. call me by my name. Jimantha Jim jimminy jim jim jaroo." he said, putting the spectacles back on.
"Alright, Jim," Mint started. "Loompas are getting scarce, and Dessa need that licorice whip so what will it take to get that weapon from you?"
He rubbed his bearded chin, then rubbed his neck, then rubbed his nipples before answering her. "Get me the golden Loompa."
I slowly turned my head to Mint, and Mint slowly turned her head to Dammit, and Dammit was staring off into the void like the fucking retarded Wookie he is.
"Golden Loompa?" We both asked at the same time.
The golden Loompa is an Oompa Loompa who thought it was a good idea to dip his dumb ass in melted gold and now struts around Nevada thinking he's the shit because his butt is made of gold. His name is Oompizzle Loompizzle. The snoop Dogg of the loompa world and head of the Loco Loomps of rekt street. Yeah, he maybe mad but we straight hood. And when we straight hood we know how to smoke dat nug and role it son. We's wickidy wickidy wack, yo. More wickady wack than that paddy wack.
So anyways, my shawty and I looked at each other and I thought: Yo son, hows we's gunna bag dat mutha fucka and live to see the next morn, son?
But the look on my home boy's face told me that she was ready to prove to Jim that we can bag that askhole.
So we went out like old flat top. We groovin' out the motel slowly, looking through juju eyeballs. I looked at Mint, she was looking like she got toejam football, and I felt so good I thought I had monkey finger. Man would I give anything to shoot coco cola right now.
Man, I feel like a spinal cracker right now. I lit my turd role and took a puff of that good shit. Maaan was that some good shit. And I was ready, ready to bag Oompizzle.
So anyways, we slipped into our ride and headed toward rekt street. The lonely streets had a silent aura to it. And I could almost hear the screams of the people echo through the empty streets and alleys. And memory after memory came flooding in..