Posted on June 19th, 2017 | Edited on November 23rd, 2018
| . . . C H A P T E R - 2.21 : T O - T H E - B E A C H . . . |
On our way to the nearest pizzeria, he had pulled the top down. The peaceful feeling when the night breeze blew against my hair and face was something I absolutely found to be peaceful.
For some time, I just stared up at the clouded sky. We weren't deep into winter, but it was the onset and the nights were chillier than days. I snuggled into the jacket and reached forward to turn on the radio and switched through the stations until I came across a song I liked.
Somewhere in the middle of the song, I turned from looking out the window and staring at nothing in particular to gaze at Arnav. I truly did not appreciate everything he's always done for me. The last couple of years, at almost all of my panic attacks, he had been there to pull me out of it. He never asked too many questions after. He always made sure I was okay. He may not say anything directly to me, but in his own way from the sidelines, he kept an eye out for me.
If he hadn't, he wouldn't have noticed the night of New Year in college that I was uncomfortable at the beach crowd. He wouldn't have known to ask if I would hold his hand. He wouldn't have known to take me away from the crowd so I could relax. Now that I think about it, there were many more instances when we may have been surrounded by others, but he still kept checking up on me.
"Thanks, Arnav."
He briefly turned to me, and then back at the road ahead. "What for?"
"For always looking out for me even I may have thought I didn't need it." I offered the answer in one statement. If I started listing every single thing I had to be thankful for, it would be a very long list that may not end even after we had finished dinner.
He smiled, and there was something different in his smile.
"What?"
"What?" He asked back, not understanding my question.
"Your smile... it's different."
He squinted his brows, challenging. "Smiles can be different?"
I nodded, "Yes, just like tones and expressions - especially when you don't smile that often. I didn't even say anything that would have made you smile like that." I made an observation for myself.
It only made him smile wider - the fact that I had said something different but didn't even know it. "When you figure it out, let me know." He handed me the task.
It raised my determination level. I kept on replaying the conversation in my head, but couldn't pin-point it. I had only said thanks. "Come on, can't you just tell me?" I asked when he had pulled the car in front of the pizza place.
He timidly refused. "Where would be the fun in that?" He opened the door and motioned for me to enter first.
The place was almost empty. Perhaps because it was a weekday, and close to 9 pm. We took an empty booth by the window - we had many options to choose from. I already knew I wanted a plain and simple cheese pizza. I wasn't in the mood for any toppings.
I tapped my fingers on the table, waiting impatiently for a server to come and take our order. She should have no reason to make us wait given there were only two other tables being occupied, and both of those tables seemed to already have their food served. His hand came atop mines, stopping my movements. "Stop that." He said, making me aware of how it was irritating for him.
I did, but that movement transferred over to my feet as I shook them up and down. I was looking around, not noticing his glare. When I did feel him looking at me, I switched my gaze to his. "What?" I questioned, squirming under his intense gaze.
"Do you have anything against sitting still?" He questioned.
I groaned, "Come on, not everyone has your gigantic patience or ability to sit like a statue for hours."
"One would think you'd pick up on some things with hanging around me so much."
I mocked a laughter, "Yeah, right. Armaan has taught me not to pick up on bad habits."
He gaped at me, horrified. "Patience and manners are not bad habits!"
My response to him to stalled for the time being as the server finally arrived at the table. After our orders were placed, I answered, "They are in my dictionary."
He shook his head, not dignifying my argument with an answer. We both knew that if he had, I would keep the argument going even if he did have a valid point. "So, aren't you tired of always having pizza with me?"
I shrugged my shoulders, "Not really. This is the one time you can eat them without feeling guilty. Might as well. We do eat other food whenever its' with everyone else."
He teased, "Aw, you care about me."
I narrowed my eyes, "How did you come to that conclusion?"
"Uh, because any other girl would complain about eating the same thing all the time. But for my sake, you don't mind. Ergo, you care about me."
I rolled my eyes and tried to pass it by as casual, "Well, it's pizza, dude. No one can ever say no to pizza."
"Mhmm." He answered, obviously not buying my answer.
I slouched back in the booth and muttered, "Okay, whatever. If it helps you sleep better at night, then yes. I care about you. Happy?"
He faked a gasp, "Really? I would have never in my wildest imaginations thought you could care about me!"
I kicked his leg, "Don't be a jerk."
"Ow!" He faked pain. I knew he faked that response because there is no way my kick hurt. I had barely kicked him with any force. I raised my brows at him and he dropped the act, "I'm sorry. You just get riled up so easily, it's hard not to annoy you."
I smacked my lips, looking away from him. "That doesn't make it okay for you to be a jerk to me."
"Which is why I apologized. You know I don't do that often." He pointed out, making me reel from my hurt and acknowledge his apology.
I sat up properly and placed my arms on the table. "Okay, so while we are being honest, I have a few things I want to say."
"Shoot." He gave me to the go sign.
"Well, it's more like I want to ask you some things before I say them. But don't get mad or anything, okay?"
The server stopped by with our orders, "Here you are. Enjoy." Since I had glanced up, I saw her wink at Arnav, but he didn't even catch that. He straight away dug for his personal pan. She huffed and swayed away. I felt the need to roll my eyes at her exaggerated reaction.
He gently assured me that I didn't have to keep stalling the conversation. "Sweet pea, whatever it is, just say it."
"So the other day, I saw this guy at the office. I went to check the registry after he left, but his name wasn't in it. I was wondering if you knew him... Vivek?"
He stopped chewing momentarily hearing the name. I hadn't even touched my pizza while I was speaking, wanting to gauge his expression. The softness in his eyes replaced with a cold stare. He put the slice down and gulped down the morsel before repeating the name, "Vivek." He cleared his throat before answering, making me nervous about the answer. "Yeah. What about him?"
It confirmed that he did know him.
"Are you two - uh - friends?"
He exhaled audibly with a silent scoff, "Friends. No. But... we do have a complicated past." I waited for him to continue. He let out a sigh, as if not truly wanting to discuss this part of his life, but was being forced to. "Do we have to talk about this while eating?"
I sympathized. He didn't seem too comfortable in sharing. I couldn't force him to, even if my only reason for asking was to try to decrease the number of secrets I keep from him. "No. We don't have to." I answered, alas.
We focused on eating with a light conversation instead, discussing how the next few weeks were going to be at the office. Once we got back in the car, I figured we'd be heading home. Instead, I noticed he took a different turn.
"Where are we going?"
"To the beach where we can talk." His tone didn't give away anything. I couldn't decipher if he truly wanted to talk about the conversation earlier, or was just complying because I had brought it up.
I sat in silence while he drove to the beach, even though it killed me to not say something through the ride there.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
He patted the spot next to him after he took a seat on the sand, gazing towards the beach in the dark. It was certainly chilly with the ocean breeze and the constant sound of waves crashing. I followed and sat, pulling my legs to my chest and wrapping my arms around it.
I waited in silence, not wanting to put the pressure on him. A few minutes later, he started talking. "I told you; I know Lavanya since about 10th grade." I have no idea why he suddenly mentions her, but I listen, figuring that he must have a reason behind bringing her up. "And Vivek... he's her step-brother."
I felt all breath leave my chest at this piece of information. I never had imagined the two would be related. From having gotten to know Lavanya over the past weekend, I certainly could tell that she was nothing like Vivek. I guess that is where the step-siblings comes in the play.
Probably hearing me take a deep breath, he commented, "I know, hard to believe, but true. I never liked him, but I did get along well with Lavanya. So, I put up with Vivek."
I expressed honestly, "I was not expecting that answer."
He is silent for some time. Then, he asked. "Why did you ask about him? Was he...?"
I completed, "...one of the guys who raped me."
He inhaled sharply and froze. He turned away to stare at his feet. "I hate that word." He muttered in a low voice, perhaps under his breath.
"You and me both."
He continued after a brief pause. "You has said it was 'them'." He said it like a statement, not a question. Still I nodded in response. "He... he had a friend. Do you know him? Shyam?"
He knew both of them. I whispered out, "Yeah."
I would have never thought I would be able to accept this in front of him this easily. There was a burden unloaded, learning that I didn't freak out telling him the names of the two people who raped me. It didn't bring back any memories - just names of two people I despised.
"No," he said after, almost begging. "No. Tell me that's not true."
Is he reacting like this because of Vivek being Lavanya's brother? I imagine that is not something one wants to hear about their best friend's step brother... what heinous acts they are capable of. How would Lavanya react knowing this? Was she close to her brother? Though I hate Vivek, I find myself feeling sad for Lavanya. She was a kind person. She didn't deserve this.
I blinked away from my thoughts when he spoke, but his voice sounded different. Cold. Aloof. And yet, filled with something so deep and mixed in with some emotions that I couldn't pick out. "Khushi, there's something I need to tell you."
The fact that he said my name made me think it was something serious. I looked in his direction. "Okay?" I asked, feeling my heart start to beat at a faster pace.
"I'm so sorry."
My brows knit together, "What?"
I couldn't understand why his voice sounded strange... as if he was holding back something big. Why was he apologizing? Why did it sound like he was on the verge of breaking?
His voice started to quiver somewhere in the middle of his words, "You said I would hate you if you told me why you had that fight with Armaan... but I am afraid it's the other way around. If I tell you the truth, you'll hate me."
"Arnav, you're not making any sense." My head is running in all directions, attempting to catch meaning of his words but failing. Hate him? Why? He can't be blaming himself for Vivek. He didn't choose what kind of a person his best friends brother would turn into. When he didn't answer, I called him. "Arnav?"
He remained silent. I turned on the light in the phone and placed the phone upside down on the ground so I could see him. His head was in between his knees, hiding it from me. I moved to sit in front of him.
"Hey..." My voice came out soft, concerned. I hesitantly lift my hand to place it on his arm which was around his legs. "Look at me." I asked, and my eye instantly narrowed when he did. A lone tear dropped from his eye lid. It shocked me to no end.
My heart broke seeing the sight.
"What's wrong? Why are you crying?"
He shook his head, looking away. "I can't."
I understood he was saying with those words that he couldn't tell me. It left me beyond curious, but I could understand. This whole time, I was scared and couldn't tell him. Now, he was scared about something and refused to say it. I couldn't force him to say it. if he was being like this, it was much bigger than everything he had already told me.
"It's okay. Take your time." I assured him, "You can tell me whenever you are ready."
He shook his head again, "You don't get it, Khushi. I can't ever tell you... you would never forgive me."
I slightly smile, hoping the cheer him up, "That's where you're wrong, Arnav. You could kill me and I'd still forgive you." I always joked to lighten a moment, and he always teased me right back. But this once, it seemed to be the wrong thing to say because he broke down further.
Before I could say anything else, he pulled me to him tightly, wrapping his arms around my back. I gulped sharply at the sudden change. It took me aback completely, shocking me. He never hugged me unless I asked him to. I didn't know what to do other than hug him back with my hands around his neck. A few seconds later, I felt a tear fall on my nape. Ignoring my heart creating a havoc and pushing away all of my personal space issues, I patted the back of his head.
He kept on repeating, "I'm sorry", and it left me beyond confused. I wasn't understanding anything. Nothing was making sense. I just told him the names of two people who raped me. Instead of me being emotional, he was the one scared out of his mind and breaking down.
I leaned back, forcing him to pull away from the hug and look at me. I didn't think twice before cupping his cheek. I wiped the wet trail of tears on his cheeks with the pad of my thumb. When he registered my touch, the look in his eyes changed. He put some distance between our bodies.
"Shit, sorry. I shouldn't have hugged you like that. Are you okay?"
I found my lips curl up in a small smile. He was breaking down, but coming to his senses, still worried about me. "Look at you, Arnav. You're the one crying and going on to apologize for something I don't understand, but still worried about me. How can you think I could ever hate you?"
His fingers wrapped around my wrist and peeled my hands off his cheeks, pulling away from me. "You're just saying that now."
Again, I put one of my hand on his cheek this time instead of both, forcing him to look at me. "Don't you get it, Arnav? I started falling for you a long time ago. I could never hate you."
His eyes widened, filled with shock at my words.
"I love you, Arnav."
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
Posted on November 26th, 2018
| . . . C H A P T E R - 2.22: H I S - B A T T L E S . . . |
"Don't you get it, Arnav? I started falling for you a long time ago. I could never hate you... I love you, Arnav."
The second I confessed, he pulled away from me, standing up. "No. You don't."
I stood up after him. "What?" Now he was going to tell me what I felt?
He answered in a clipped voice, "You only think you do because I told you just days ago I saved you that night."
Before I could have processed anything, my hand flew up to slap him. As soon as it hit his cheek, my eyes widened. The guts of him to tell me that? To question my reason for loving him? After everything we have been through... Though I felt hurt, I was more hurt at myself for slapping him. "Arnav, I..." I couldn't even finish apologizing for he turned around and walked back to the car.
I had no choice to follow him, filled with regret. I never resorted to violence for anything for anyone. How could I have...?
I kept glancing at him the whole way home but he didn't utter a single word. Once I got out of the car, thinking I could talk to him before going inside but he backed off the driveway, leaving again. Where? I had no idea.
I just heard the tires squealing when he slammed the breaks, turned the wheel, and drove away. I stood there, shocked. After everything that happened tonight... It killed me that he wasn't talking to me.
With a heavy heart, I pressed the door bell and waited for HP to open the door. He seemed to wait at the door for Arnav, probably knowing we had left together. "He is not coming," I informed and despite curious, he didn't ask any questions and locked the door. I ran up the stairs towards the guest room.
Trying to process everything about tonight was harder to accomplish.
Grabbing my phone, I called Riddhima.
"Hey Khushi!"
"Ridzzi. Are you home?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Armaan?"
"Yes, but why?"
"Could you ask him to pick me up?"
"Khushi, what's wrong? Are you crying?"
Probably having heard her, Armaan took the phone from her and questioned, "Doll? Why are you crying? What did Raizada do now?"
"N-nothing," I answered with a sniff, "Could you please pick me up right now?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm leaving now. Just hang in there, okay?"
"Hmm. Thanks." I ended the call and waited, impatiently as always.
I couldn't process anything by myself. I needed my support system, for them to give me a remotest clue on why Arnav was acting this way.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
After Armaan picks me up, he kept asking me to tell him what happened but I asked him to wait so I could tell both him and Riddhima at the same time instead of having to repeat twice.
However, halfway to penthouse, I received a call from an unknown number which I answered. "Hello?"
"Khushi? This is Lavanya."
"Lavanya... uh, hi."
She expressed with a sigh, "Okay, look. This is a weird request but if I text you an address, could you get here? Arnav is here and I have no idea what the hell is wrong with him and I think he'll listen to you."
I grumbled, "I doubt he wants that right now."
She insisted, "It's what he needs. I tried getting through him but I can't when I don't know what's happened. He won't talk to me and I don't know what else to do so please, can you come?"
"Okay, yeah." I gave in to her pleading. It's what he needs. That what had roped me in initially. He was pushing me away for whatever reason, again, and I would be damned if I allowed that to happen again. Especially not after I just confessed my feelings to him. I hadn't meant for that to happen. I had only wanted to tell him about Vivek, the messages I've been getting... but we can never predict what conversations can lead to, right?
And now that it had led to this, I needed to see it through.
After I get Lavanya's message, I ask Armaan, "Can you take me here instead?" He reads the message when I pass him the phone.
"Okay, but what happened?!"
"I'll tell you later, promise. Let me just figure it out myself first."
He breathed out a sigh, compromising. "Okay." He added in worry, "Are you sure you're okay?"
I answered honestly, "I don't know."
"Sometimes, I want to beat the shit out of him for how he keeps getting to you."
I said just to calm him down, "He didn't hurt me, Armaan. We just had a few heavy conversations and I don't know what he is so guilt ridden about... but I am not letting him push me away - that's for sure. So, don't worry. I'll set things right."
He nodded and added for good measure, "And if he still doesn't listen, let me know. I'll set him straight."
I found it in me to smile and hug his arm for I couldn't hug him while he was driving. "I love you, brother. I don't think I have said it enough lately."
He smiled back, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. "You don't have to say it. It's always implied." Five minutes later, he pulled up in front of an apartment building. "Go get him. Call me if you need a ride back."
"Oh, don't worry. Go to sleep. Arnav's here."
He nodded, believing Arnav wouldn't leave me to catch a rickshaw so late in the night. Reading the address again for the apartment number, I took the stairs up given the elevator wasn't coming even after I waited almost three minutes for it.
This is what I dislike. Elevators in apartment buildings are rarely kept up to maintenance. Someone should sue these landlords. What are people like me are supposed to do who have issues climbing up six flights of stairs to the desired floor?
After I rang the doorbell and Lavanya opened the door as if she had been camping out by the doorway itself, she gave me a weird look. "Why do you look like you just ran a marathon?"
I spoke in between pants, not even completing the sentence properly. "Stairs... I... elevator... where is he?"
Before I can answer, Aarav ran out and his hands went around my hips as he hugged me, given his height. "Khushi!"
"Hi... Aarav." I answered placing my hand over his head.
Looking up, he asked. "Are you here to take daddy home?"
"Uh, do you not want me to?" I couldn't decipher the look in his eyes. Maybe he wanted his dad to stay with him. He was a child after all, and any child would want his parents to stay together under one roof.
He answers by grabbing my index finger and pulling me inside, "I'll take you to him." Standing outside a closed door, he motioned for me to come closer and I bent down to reach his height. He spoke in a lowered voice, "He's inside. I think he's sad. Will you bring him out? I don't like it when he's sad and he locks himself in this room."
I gently cup his face as his pleading eyes get to me, "I'll try, okay?"
He nods eagerly and walks aside to stand next to Lavanya. She tugs him along, "Aarav, come. How about we go back to the living room and watch cartoons while Khushi talks to dad?"
He let her nudge him away and I twisted the door knob and enter the dark room. The lights are turned off and as I close the door behind me, it is all darkness. I have no idea where he is in this room or where the switchboard might be.
He seemed to know someone entered for I heard a voice from my left, "La, I told you to leave me alone."
I took careful steps in the direction having no idea if anything was in my way. Navigating in dark is scarier when it's an unknown place. When your eyes are open but you still can't see anything. It's how it feels where Arnav and I are going... there is a destination... we just don't know what it is or where it is or how long it will take for us to get there.
My knee crashes against a hard furniture and I pat around in mid-air to try and figure out what it is.
He turns on his phone light, ready to scold Lavanya when his eyes find mine. "Lav... what are you doing here?"
I put a hand over my eyes trying to shield the light shining at me, "Lavanya called me. Could you lower that?"
He did while also muttering. "She shouldn't have. Go back."
"By myself?"
That seems to make him ask another question, "How did you get here?"
"Armaan." It wasn't important however and so I tried to direct the topic, "Arnav, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have..."
He cut me off, nodding towards the desk behind me. "My car keys are there. Go home."
I crossed my arms over my chest, "I'm not going anywhere."
"Khushi..."
I remained stubborn, "Arnav, don't push me away again. Please. You need me and I am not going anywhere this time. So, will you just talk to me?"
After a few passing seconds, he answered. "No."
"Arnav..."
"I can't force you to leave but I can choose to not talk."
He walked over to the bed, turned off his phone light and had the guts to slide inside the blankets and pretend to sleep. How could he think of sleep right now?!
I walked over to stand at the side, wanting to glare at him but hell, in the dark, he couldn't see that! Letting out a sigh, I picked up his phone he had left beside the pillow and walked over to the other side. While I had my back to him, I swiped across the screen to text Lavanya to not worry and go to sleep from his phone before opening YouTube and typing in a name of my favorite song.
Right now, it just seemed very apt.
Sitting on the other side of the bed, I played it and placed the phone in between us.
--MALE--
Jab koi baat bigad jaaye (When any matter gets ruined)
Jab koi mushkil pad jaaye (When any difficulty arises)
Tum dena saath mera o hamnavaaz (Stand by me, my beloved)
Na koi hai, na koi tha (There is no one, there was no one)
Zindagi mein tumhaare siva (In my life aside from you)
Tum dena saath mera o hamnavaaz (Stand by me, my beloved)
"Khushi, turn that off," He instructed after a few minutes but I didn't. When I saw him reach for the phone from the screen glow, I grabbed it first and put it on my other side knowing he wouldn't reach over me.
His palms turned in a fist. I forwarded my hand and placed it over his, forcing him to let go of that fist and sliding my hand in his, holding it, entwining it with my fingers so he wouldn't fist them again and clench on anger. I just wanted him to calm down, to stop thinking with his mind, to stop this overthinking that was leading him to react with guilt and pull away from me for whatever reasons he deemed big enough that would get me to hate him like never before.
Ho chaandni jab tak raat deta hai har koi saath (As long as the night is moonlit, everyone gives company)
Tum magar andheron mein na chhodna mera haath (But you don't let go of my hand in darkness)
Jab koi baat bigad jaaye (When any matter gets ruined)
Jab koi mushkil pad jaaye (When any difficulty arises)
Tum dena saath mera o hamnavaaz (Stand by me, my beloved)
Na koi hai, na koi tha (There is no one, there was no one)
Zindagi mein tumhaare siva (In my life aside from you)
Tum dena saath mera o hamnavaaz (Stand by me, my beloved)
--FEMALE--
Vafaadaari ki voh rasmein nibhaayenge hum tum kasmein (Those intentions of faithfulness, we will obey vows...)
Ek bhi saans zindagi ki jab tak ho apne bas mein (...As long as even one breath of life is within our control)
Jab koi baat bigad jaaye (When any matter gets ruined)
Jab koi mushkil pad jaaye (When any difficulty arises)
Tum dena saath mera o hamnavaaz (Stand by me, my beloved)
--MALE--
Na koi hai, na koi tha (There is no one, there was no one)
Zindagi mein tumhaare siva (In my life aside from you)
Tum dena saath mera o hamnavaaz (Stand by me, my beloved)
Dil ko mere hua yakeen hum pehle bhi mile kahin (My heart now believes we had met sometime before also)
Silsila yeh sadiyon ka koi aaj ki baat nahin (This is a link of centuries, it's not a matter of today)
--FEMALE--
Dil ko mere hua yakeen hum pehle bhi mile kahin (My heart now believes we had met sometime before also)
Silsila yeh sadiyon ka koi aaj ki baat nahin (This is a link of centuries, it's not a matter of today)
--BOTH--
Jab koi baat bigad jaaye (When any matter gets ruined)
Jab koi mushkil pad jaaye (When any difficulty arises)
Tum dena saath mera o hamnavaaz (Stand by me, my beloved)
Na koi hai, na koi tha (There is no one, there was no one)
Zindagi mein tumhaare siva (In my life aside from you)
Tum dena saath mera o hamnavaaz - 2 (Stand by me, my beloved)
He doesn't say anything even as the song ends but I know he is awake. Every now and then, I hear him inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly. He is fighting whatever this is by himself and I am just so desperately wishing he would just share. He keeps trying to fight his battles by himself and refuses to let anyone help him. Or, maybe, he lets Lavanya and Anjali occasionally help him. But me? His first instinct is always to keep me away from it. His resolve... it is stronger than my stubbornness.
He falls asleep eventually in that silence, letting that win over my pleas for him to come back to me. It felt like I was losing him all over again and I couldn't. I just couldn't let that happen. It hurt too much. Maybe more because I was hurting for him, wanting him to reach for me like I had every time I needed it.
My only comfort is that even though he figuratively pulled away, he allowed my hand to hold on to his. Not once did he fight that.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
| . . . A U T H O R - N O T E . . . |
Hi everyone!
Combining both chapters to fit them into the posts already made in this old book instead of having to create new ones in between.
Not the happiest update but I still hope you like this addition. Chapter 22 is entirely new. Something of a return from Khushi to when he has always been there for her and now, for her to show him she is going to be there for him too...
Comment & Vote <3