Edited: November 05, 2020
| . . . C H A P T E R . . . 3 . 2 2 . 5 - D A M A G E D - O R - L O Y A L . . . |
[Angad]
Using the set of keys that I had to Armaan and Riddhima's penthouse, I let myself in. I wasn't in the mood of going to my empty apartment. I needed some company and I figured I'd go bother the lovebirds. I announced myself, "Amy! You have two seconds to get decent."
I had no idea what they were up to, but I might as well give them a heads up given I hadn't texted ahead to inform I was coming over. I was driving around to avoid going to my place, and before I knew it, I was outside their building and parking in the garage. Toeing off my shoes, I walked in.
The person on the couch is not one I was expecting. "Hey," Kripa greeted tearing her eyes away from the TV screen.
"Hi?" I questioned, walking around to sit on the opposite couch while listening around to try and figure out where Armaan and Riddhima were in the penthouse.
She informed without my asking, "Ridz was on call and so had to go to the hospital. Armaan has a late-night at the recording studio."
I should have texted ahead to make sure they were home. Then again, all the other times I'd popped by without texting ahead and they weren't here, there wasn't anyone else lounging about either. I had the freedom to make the place my own. "How come you are here?"
"I need your permission to visit my friends?" That tone, I knew well. She must have heard it herself since she apologized for snapping, "Sorry, that was a bit uncalled for. It's just my parents were in town - for the wedding ofcourse - but now dad is trying to fix things between us, I guess. But it's too late. He should have thought of that before he used me as a pawn to get Arnav to give half of his share to him. And the whole thing about how he tried to threaten he'd take Aarav away if Arnav didn't do what he wanted? Yeah, no, I'm done with him."
"Okay then." I give a curt response, biting back my opinion on everything. Because her father atleast still cares enough to try to mend their relationship. My parents never cared nor did they bother to pretend they wanted anything to do with me.
She exhales, "Sorry, again. Did not mean to unload on you. It's your fault though. You asked."
"My bad. Go back to watching TV then." I focused on the TV as she watched an episode of Friends. But... every few seconds, I couldn't help glancing over at her. Against my better judgement, I wanted to talk to her. Somehow, go back to the carefree days we'd spent in Goa all those months ago. I couldn't give her the wrong signals though. She was Arnav's cousin. Khushi and Riddhima's friend. I had to keep a clear line drawn between us. It couldn't blur.
"Angad?"
I blinked away from staring into space upon hearing my name. "Yeah. What?"
She looked at me and my absentmindedness before repeating, "I said, there's leftover dinner in the fridge."
I decided to listen to my gut least I do something to jeopardize it. "No, thanks. I have to go." I leaned forward to grab my phone and keys that I'd placed on the end table before settling on the couch. I need to get as far away from this female as possible.
She could ruin me the way she'd look at me with that innocent yearning of hers.
I was no good for her.
"Right. Ofcourse." She muttered, turning off the TV and leaving the remote on the couch before getting up and starting to walk towards the bedrooms.
There was something in her tone. "What's that supposed to mean?"
She turned to me, crossing her arms over her chest. "Are you seriously asking that?"
"Yes." Why would I ask if I understood what was laced in her words?
"Come on, Angad. It doesn't take a genius out of me to understand that you run the opposite way when I'm around. I get it, but don't you worry. I won't throw myself at you again. I got the message first time around. Or do you think I am one of those chicks with no self-respect?"
Okay, wow. She is pissed at me for that night in Shimla for not kissing her when she asked after she was drunk. But didn't I explain to her why I said no? It couldn't be termed a rejection, could it? It wasn't that, because hell. That big man upstairs knows just how much I had to control myself to keep from kissing her.
I took deliberate slow steps towards her. "If I walk the other way, Kripa, then it isn't because of you. It's because," I stopped a breadth away from her - I could reach out and touch her if I wanted to, but I commanded my hands to remain by my side, "I don't trust myself around you. I want to touch you in ways you can't even imagine in your innocent mind."
Her eyes widened a pinch at my raw confession, as if she doesn't know what to do with knowing this truth.
"But I won't," my voice lowered a pitch. "I've told you my only rule. I don't get involved with anyone who is friends with my friends."
If that wasn't enough, she was also Khushi's sister-in-law.
She recovered faster than I anticipated, and scoffed, shaking her head at me in disappointment. "You're a coward."
My jaw ticked. "Excuse me?"
She raised her chin in defiance. "You heard me."
I said through clenched teeth, "You don't know the first thing about me."
Anger flashed right back in her black eyes. "And whose fault is that? Yours, Angad." She poked my chest, accusing me, "You don't let anyone in. How do you expect anyone to know anything about you when you don't give them the chance? How do you expect a relationship to work with anyone if you don't even try? If you want what Arnav and Khushi have, what Riddhima and Armaan have, then you have to make it happen. You have to take a leap of faith and trust that whatever happens, you'll survive."
I moved her finger off my chest, "Easier said than done."
"Right," she commented, before shaking her head again. "Do you who you're actually punishing? You are not punishing your parents for how they are. You are punishing yourself and you don't hold yourself to a higher standard. You think you're not worth it, but ask your friends whose opinion you actually care for and they'll tell you exactly what you are worth, Angad. Maybe then you'll get over your self-pity and realize what you are caging yourself in unnecessarily."
"You know what? I may be a coward. I may think I'm not worth it. It might make me pitiful, but that's my problem. Go find someone else to fix. Or better yet, fix your own damn problems."
Wasn't she just ranting about her father? And now she is turning it around on me. atleast I've long since accepted the deal with my parents. Turning my back to her, I walk out.
The second the door slammed shut after me, I leaned against it and shut my eyes with a sigh. Maybe if she'll hate me for being an ass, then she'll stay away from me and I won't have to worry about keeping my distance.
Fuck.
That was exactly what Arnav did - for different reasons than mine, ofcourse.
I should go back in there and apologize.
Nope, that'd defeat the entire purpose of snapping at her.
Facing the door, I reached for the doorknob. I pushed the door inwards, walked straight past her frozen body as if she wasn't there and locked myself in Armaan's room.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
"Smiley, where are you?"
In the background, I heard Arnav grumbling and she hushed him before speaking to me, "Hey Angad, what's up?"
"This one time, I don't care if your lover boy has a problem because my emergency is more important. Can we meet?"
"Yes, ofcourse, but what happened?" I picked up the concern in her tone, but I couldn't risk telling her while Arnav was around her.
"Tell you when we meet. I'll text you the address." I ended the call and sent a text with the address of a nearby coffee place. Then, I drove myself there and waited.
It was roughly half hour before she arrived. I couldn't complain. There was always traffic and this place wasn't the closest to Arnav's either.
I watched from the window as she forced Arnav to turn around and get back in the car, most probably assuring him that he didn't need to be here and that I would drop her back - which I ofcourse would. I had to smile at the guys concern. Even if he seemed to want to be around her all the time, wanting to make up for the last couple of years when things were rocky between them, I couldn't be happier for Khushi that she'd found a guy like him who was so in love with her.
When she finally walked up to my table, she slumped down on the chair with a huff. "Sorry that took a while."
"Ordered iced tea for you." I simply informed; her apology was unnecessary.
She commented raising a brow and straightening up, "Oh, this is iced-tea level serious, huh? Alright, lay it on me."
"Tell me how the fuck I can stay away from Kripa."
She stared at me for a moment wrapping her head around my 'emergency'. I get it. She must have assumed my parents had fucked up again - which, they had. I'd get to that in a moment. She blinked, "Wait, this is about Kripa? But you haven't even seen her since..."
When she looked at me to finish her statement, wanting me to confirm I hadn't seen her since the wedding, I couldn't do that. I instead informed, "Since an hour ago. Get this, you know how I mentioned my parents insisted on me running this branch? Yeah, well, they decided to hire the company that Kripa works for to do-up the interiors and that company has given the project to Kripa. Now there is no way for me to not see her daily... atleast for the next 3 months. And that can't happen, Khushi. That just..."
"Okay, okay." She cut me off sensing my upcoming freak out. "Calm down. It's not that bad, right? Kripa is good to work with."
I exclaimed, "That's half the problem, isn't it?!" Running my fingers through my hair, I exhaled. "I can't be a jackass to her like I easily would with anyone else. I actually like hanging out with her - which is the whole problem. No way can we let one thing lead to another. You know this, I'm no good for her. I'll break her heart and that'll fuck up everything - if your guy doesn't bury me ten feet under first."
She rolled her eyes, "Don't be dramatic. Arnav isn't gonna do anything."
I gave her a look, for the chances were not in my favor.
She quietly mumbled, "I hope."
See. Even she can't be a one-hundred percent sure.
Dropping my head on the table, I lightly bang against the surface once. Then, twice. The third time, she slides her hand in between to keep me from hurting myself silly. "Grow up, Angad."
I frowned, lifting my head to look at her. I thought she was commenting about my head-banging action, but the lack of amused smile on her face hinted at something more. "What?" I questioned, clueless.
She clarified, "That's my piece of advice. Don't be shit to her and grow up. You just admitted it. You like hanging out with her. So, grow the fuck up and deal with it instead of freaking out like an immature teenager who doesn't know how to behave around a crush."
I defended, "I know how to behave around her!"
She tilted her head to the side in total judgement, and I slumped my shoulders in defeat. She knew me better. I couldn't behave around her. Not innocently, atleast. My thoughts went down the gutter around Kripa.
"I haven't told you one thing yet."
Her eyes narrowed. "Why do you look like you're about to tell me you kicked her puppy?"
"She doesn't have a puppy."
She kicked my shin under the table in a scolding. "Angad."
"Oomph." I groaned at the impact. She thinks her hits don't hurt, but they do. She doesn't realize her own strength. "If you have a kid one day, he or she is going to be very violent, you know that?"
"Just tell me what the fuck you did, Angad!" She snapped in irritation.
I commented under my breath, "And you've started cursing a lot."
At her hard glare, I quit the side antics and fessed up. I told her about the night last week when we fought. Well... it was mostly on my end where I lost it at Kripa for trying to show me the mirror. At the end of that little story recap, I winced and rubbed my other shin - courtesy of Khushi.
"Why do all men do idiotic things when confronted by their own feelings?" She rhetorically commented, and I had no response. I guess we were wired to self-destruct. After a long sip of her iced tea, she moved it to the side and entwined her palms together. "Okay, no round about answers. Tell me honestly. Do you like her?"
I stared at my own hands on the table. "I'm too damaged for her, Khushi."
She reached across the table for my hands and squeezed, encouraging me to look up at her. When I did, she smiled that easy smile of hers that always rubbed off on others. It's why I called her smiley - not just because her name translated to 'happiness'. "You are no more damaged than me, Angad."
I countered in a sharp tone, "You're not damaged." I didn't like her using that word for herself. What she went through was different. It couldn't be compared.
She exhaled, her eyes softening with raw honesty that implied just how far she'd come - just how comfortable she'd gotten talking about it. "Maybe not now, but I was. For the longest time after I was raped, I was messed up and I made everyone else's life hell too. It's the truth, Angad, and I'm okay to admit it now." She patted my hand, before refocusing and shifting back to lean against the chair, "But back to you, you recognize your flaws. Isn't that the first step? You taught me that, remember?"
I frowned as my own words of wisdom were used against me. "I didn't think you were listening." Her lips tugged upwards and I sighed, reaching for her iced tea. We always shared it. "See, recognizing where I am messed up in the head is one thing, but I don't think I'm ever going to get over it. I'm never going to be able to forgive my parents for stealing my childhood away from me - no matter how they are trying now to make up for it. I've accepted it, but I could never forgive them. It's 15 years too late."
"Angad, resenting your parents has nothing to do with Kripa."
"They are one and same."
Refusing to accept that, she argued. "Tell me, why'd you make the deal with your parents that you'd join the family business if they agreed to stay out of your personal life?" She didn't wait for me to justify it - having her own take on it. "Because you kept those things separate. Your parents are on one side, and Kripa - your personal life - on the other. They're not the same, so you can be with Kripa, if that's what you choose to do."
She leaned forward, taking the iced tea back and playing with the straw. "See, it's all about your choice, Angad. As a child, you made the choice to stay with us - accept Armaan and as your family when your parents were too busy with their careers. You made a choice when you flew all the way to Australia just to apologize to Riddhima for yelling at her to stop acting like mother because you couldn't imagine losing her as a friend. Today, you have a choice again. Let them ruin you again. Or, get up and move on. Get serious."
While she took her time sipping, I pondered over her words. I do have a choice. I can choose what makes me happy. But, a relationship. "I've never even had a relationship lasting longer than one night."
"And?" She questioned as if not seeing the underlying issue.
"Don't you get it? I don't know how relationships work. I haven't had the best role model. I don't think I can have a relationship without screwing it up."
"My friend, I have no doubt that when you do decide to commit, you'll be fiercely loyal."
I scoffed at the word. "Loyal."
I caught the shift in her body language and moved my leg just in time before she'd kick me again. She smirked - I had learned - before passing the tea back to me. "Should I remind you how many fights you got into growing up because of Armaan? How many fights you started for me and Riddhima? Or how you sat by my bedside night after night to wake me up from my night terrors so I wouldn't wake up screaming? You were there ready to bail me out when dad first mentioned arranged marriage. You helped Armaan realize his true feelings for Riddhima. You're nothing if not loyal, Angad. You were always there whenever any of us needed you. If you treat your friends this well, imagine how you'd be towards a special someone."
"Ask your friends whose opinion you actually care for and they'll tell you exactly what you are worth, Angad."
Kripa's words rang in my ear. I didn't have to ask Khushi for her to tell me exactly what I am at the core. I wasn't a heartless player. I wasn't just damaged. I wasn't just resentful of my lack of childhood. I'd learned a thing or two along the way about friendship and family. About how to care for others. How to treat them and not take them for granted.
She must have seen the light bulb lighting in my head. "It's okay," she said empathetically. "Sometimes it takes someone else saying it to us for us to realize what we already knew about ourselves."
"I think I know what I have to do."
"If you get stuck, you know I am a phone call away."
"I do. Thanks, Smiley."
"Always, Angie."
"You are terrible at giving people nick names."
"Ugh, tell me about it."
Laughing, a weight lifted off my chest, I push the chair back and open up my arms. "Bring it in, Smiley."
What would I do without friends like this?
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .