Word Count: 3994
UPDATES: The cover has been changed since the review. Score has changed.
Title: Onyx City Gods
Genre: Noir Fantasy
Blurb:
~OLD BLURB~
A jaded hitman searches for his missing ex-girlfriend.
~NEW BLURB~
In Onyx City, a crime-ridden metropolis, it's hard for good people to make a living. Lonely cynic, Darius, has to survive being unemployed because he'd rather be jobless than earn money by doing something illegal.
Unable to pay rent, he agrees to deliver a cargo container to a local kingpin. However, when the shipment starts begging for help, Darius allows one humane impulse to divert him from the orders. His change of heart ends with him gaining the gift of immortality, causing crooked cops, heartless gangsters, and power-hungry gods to hunt him.
In order to get them off his tail, he must quickly embrace his new culture as one of the supernatural.
Status: Ongoing
~
Starting Points: 30
Cover:
*Whines and flaps arms lazily*
-Eh. I do not like this. Well, that is a bit of a reach—simmer down, M. Let me rephrase: I am not sure that I like this as much as the previous one. Someone in the comments says exactly why it works better. The last cover feels like it belongs to the alleyway and that world, it seems alive and relevant (paraphrasing). This new one is too dark, and the text stands out unnaturally from the background, which gives it the appearance that it is suspended mid-air for no real reason except to tell the reader they are looking at a book cover. Sure, this is not a big issue but for what I have seen that has been established in this author's previous versions, it is rather important.
-This can work if the text is made to look like a hanging side sticking out from a storefront, but, as is, it looks weird and kind of boring. Suggestion: make sure to tell the cover maker to make something intimate that fuses with the scenery seamlessly, since this book accentuates that the city is an alive feature that coexists with its characters.
-It's not ugly, buttt, then again, since it does not work for me, I will dock a point in the name of principle. Boop! (-1)
Title: Okay, this title FINALLY makes sense! I did not say anything about this before because I assumed..well, whatever: The title looked like it was missing a preposition. I do not think in the last draft any of the chapters that I read ever self-referenced itself? So, me being a duck or probably out of it, never made the connection that the title is the name of the city in the book. I am not sure if my confusion is from my own doing or the author. Let us call it a draw! Anyways, no points lost because I still do like the title.
Blurb: This has walked out of blurb territory and straight into "summary-ville". I suggest to the author on reeling back how much information that is given here. I think stopping at "orders" for contextual plot information is a good place, then sealing it with a simple sentence that states that he must learn how to get accustomed to the new situation because of so and so. Other than that, this is a good blurb. No points lost.
Plot: Paranormal. Corruption. Urban. Paranormal. Corruption. Urban. —Need I say more? I think not!
Opening thoughts:
-So, the beginning of chapter one starts out like the original draft I read last year: super moody, reminds me of DC/Gotham (more so of The Watchmen), and MC Darius is walking in the rain, cornrows and all. Everything is going swimmingly, right? Right? RIGHT? Well no. Something always must go afoot.
-To put it simply, something is annoyig me but I cannot seem to put my finger on it. That, or my standards have risen in a year and I have gotten ridiculously harder to impress. Cannot really tell at this point. However, I will say that whatever this thing is seems to be consistent with itself so far. This does not mean that I am perpetually entertained by this thing, but I will give it that.
-I am about to complain, of course, and it might be subjective. Also, this might be a heavy case of stream of consciousness from here on so hopefully somewhere in this I make a point—let us see how this turns out!
*Takes a week to rip this chapter piece by piece before I rant*
-Nice, nice. *Bites into a wafer cookie*
*Pats crumbs away, smells fingers*
-I am ready.
Characters:
-Darius. He has become something short of a cunt, that is for sure. I am not going to fret so much on a character being ~eh~ so much so because I rather wait for a reasoning why they are the way they are before fully judging unless if it is far too "problematic" and just done wrong. As long as a character is realistic and feels like someone who existed before I begin reading their story, I'm calling it a success on the author's part. Dissecting the character for their actual person, morals, etc. comes in later for me.
-However, since I love to complain, watch me fret! Excerpt: "Pulling my hood, I grimace at the sight of the litter; it's all because of those pathetic beggars. If they are going to sleep on the streets, they should at least keep them clean. Otherwise, they need to go—they contribute to this city's deterioration."
-So, if this does not illustrate me thinking negatively of the guy, I do not know what will. Those two sentences managed to say a lot about Darius in a short time, which is a good thing. For one, it made me think about why someone who seems to be stuck and living in the "ghetto" would have such a heartless, unsympathetic outlook on the people who are struggling more than himself. In a way, he almost sounds like a conservative, and for me, I instantly assume that it has something to do with his upbringing and that's super interesting and kind of relatable for me to grasp onto as a reader. It does not make him likable, not even approachable, but I think it ties quite well with the actions he does further into the chapter.
-Spoiler alert: he murders two men and I was petrified, y'all! Overall, Darius is not likable, but he is intriguing. I feel like the author has enough respect for the readers that there is a reason for it so I do not mind all that much.
-Onyx City. Can be better, and kind of needs to stray away from the Gotham City similarities, but the descriptions are effective and do get across the point that it is a shithole. Maybe some subtlety AND giving some backstory/history that remains relevant while Darius strolls its streets can help to alleviate these dreadful woes and my obnoxious exaggerations. I go on a rant about this a few sections down.
-"The Clique" aka Kraken's mob (think of them as The Sopranos, or the gangster rats from The Tale of Despereaux, or something). They need a better name because my mental picture immediately made me think of high school, which is cringey. Anyways, the chapter barely speaks of them and with the lack of law enforcement their presence should be even more menacing and...perhaps visceral. At least try to show an attempt at making them into a force that the reader should be interested in. If not, they are probably going to note them as a "generic-mob group #56038837". (-1)
-Charlie aka Darius' landlord. This guy's characterization is probably the worst of all the characters that make brief appearances in Darius' journey from a street corner to his apartment. Even the two guys that Darius cut the FUCK UP held more character to them because we as an audience can assume why they must resort to mugging people to survive. However, THIS guy is nothing but a device used to hand Darius his first conflict that ultimately leads him to everything the summary stupidly gives away, thus robbing this scene blind of its tension (since we know Darius' decision AND its outcome). Also, he happens to be a white supremacist, maybe a neo-Nazi because?? I guess the Holocaust happened in this universe as well, so it makes the political landscape of this universe even vaguer. Not to mention how it is handled is not the best and it only made me cringe with the on the nose dialogue about Darius "not being a stereotype" for not doing crimes (ironic and untrue ha) like the "rest of them" and really having this character DO NOTHING but be a cardboard cut-out of a racist. I am not saying do an accurate representation of a racist for some misguided reason, but when dealing with controversial characters who will and/or can bring these themes into a book, make them feel real and not so corny. Does Trump-like character exist in this universe too? If not, why is the white supremacist so bold? Give us a reason to believe this happening in this world. (-2)
Dialogue:
-Fits with the narrative so far and is believable for the most part. I would try to improve the scene with Darius' landlord though. It is lame. (-1)
Grammar/Punctuation issues:
-Quite perfect, well, in the sense that I do not need to nitpick it. Yippee!
Inconsistencies (if any):
-Okay, obligatory rant commencing in 3, 2, 1...
-Descriptions like: "Layers of trampled litter swallow my feet as I trudge my way through. Often occupied by jacked-up lowlifes with baseball bats, the only way to avoid getting your skull smashed is to carry loose change..."— grind my gears in seemingly minor ways.
-There is nothing grammatically incorrect about them, or in the style that the author chooses to write the sentences, but in fact, in the way [the sentences] cannot handle subtlety that it is beginning to wobble on the line of "gritty-nitty realism" and "over-exaggerated foolery". Also, they seem shallow.
-SURE, SURE, this is a paranormal novel and expecting realistic is redundant and is "missing the point" and all that jizz, but when playing around with a paranormal that roots itself into the "noir" themes, maintaining a balance with reality and fantasy is essential to the execution of the story. I can take gods, immortality, specters and all that shit but what I cannot take is the first couple of paragraphs of this book telling me I am supposed to believe that this story is taking place in a world that has Tupac and Wu-Tang, cannot give me a timeframe in mind for its setting, and cannot give its readers even a HINT on why this region of America is in such shape. Is this taking place in the future? The past? Is this a dystopian society? Why is everything so shit(tier)? (-2)
-This would not be irking me if a bit of information about the politics of this world and why, for example, the government just disregards mass littering so much that Darius' ass is legit trudging through it. That is why I am triggered right now, y'all! Littering is never that blatant! If you are going to get the point across that this is an inner city, there need to be cops (and corrupt ones) everywhere; it cannot be treated as if this is some anarchical society with no laws. That does not make sense! (-3)
-Darius gets mugged and kills two guys, right? However, he could have simply left those guys immobile by, I do not know, breaking their necks (lol), or any body part that is not fatal. But I guess there is a slight risk that they can also make their "goons" come and beat him up or kill him once/while they recuperate. But then again, it seems like Darius can hold his own and they are amateurs so unnecessary murder scene seems unnecessary.
-Like he legit Samurai Jack's them like it is not anything...what the fuck. (-1)
-Again: WHERE ARE THE LAW ENFORCEMENT?! People apparently can be put on house arrest, so there must be a justice system in place, so where are the cops? Their presence should be felt, whether if Kraken and his men control them or whatever, there should be more than a siren! Is this a white middle-class suburb? NO! (-3)
-Excerpt: "This counts as my eighth-time street vermin have failed to jump me. When will they learn?"
???
-Yeah, Darius, I am wondering the same thing. Does he kill every single person that tries to mug him or? If not, how come there has not been some type of street bounty on his head by now? At least a reputation? Nothing?! (-2)
-The brief mention of race, or something along the lines, feels disingenuous. It reminds me of Netflix's garbage fart, Bright. It is like the author is baiting the readers into comparing the entire scene with our current political landscape and boy...does it feel cheap. I liVe for allegorical literature, film or a piece of art but this does not do that. It just happens to be there for the sake of...wanting to kind of address it, but also not? It could work if Charlie has more to do, and if the author has the balls to be bolder about it without getting corny and preachy too early on, but alas, he does not. (-2)
-Darius' philosophy of what's immoral and what's not is ironic and wonky, so much so that it is kind of grating me in the wrong way. As in the way, a cheese grater pretending to be a back-scratcher would turn out. I could probably ignore this for the time being, but it is mentioned often enough that it is as noticeable as a bleeding wart. Reasons: 1) He judges the homeless for the garbage that litters the city (which is doubtful since it cannot be only be them contributing to the deterioration of the city; it is also the lack of interference of government officials CLEARLY with law initiatives, volunteers, public incentives, normative and informational social influence, and then people like him), but does/show nothing to fix the problem with NO HINT of self-awareness. 2) Kills two men for mugging him but looks down on others for "succumbing" to the life of crime aka "selling their soul" (some BS) in order to you know...SURVIVE. 3) Has possibly killed EIGHT other people before, but thinks people who kill for money are "psycho". 4) He does not even think about his lie once or expresses guilt when he goes along with his Charlie's "appraisal" of his apparently "moral way of life".
-He is a walking contradiction in EVERY way and his philosophy is broken to hell! (-5)
-One moral question that has been nagging at the back of my mind: If Darius knows that anything that is in relation with Kraken is most likely crime and will fuck with his principles, doesn't that acknowledgment make him guilty of the impending wrong regardless of the outcome? Whether he admits it or not he is morally obligated to refuse an obvious job offer that may contradict his beliefs in the sake of his own interest. In the moment he agreed, he became morally responsible if that person died because he decided to ignore his better judgment. Sure, we know he ends up doing the right thing, but it does not erase the fact that he agreed. (-5)
-Getting super philosophical here, but to quote W.K. Clifford, "[You] are guilty if [you] accept a belief without sufficient evidence...and whether that actually leads to harm or not, [you] still have done wrong, epistemically and morally." Not making this stuff up, it is an actual theory in philosophy.
Likes/Dislikes:
-I like Darius' characterization, his contradictions make him more human in a way, and it's mostly executed well.
-The writing style is gripping.
-The use of metaphors are never random and comparisons are clear.
-The setting and the mood are alluring.
-Present tense seems to be handled well, the hell? (I did not highlight this in the rest of the review because it took me awhile to realize it. Pretty impressive!)
-I think this draft is a great improvement from previous versions.
-Some details really help elevate the writing and the characterization. For example: "When I unlock my door, its creak hurts my ears. Damn—I need to oil the hinges." This reads, to me, that Darius is not a very ambitious guy and the only thing he really wants now is a job, but he has no plans to set his sights on anything but the environment he has grown used to even though he hates it. Without stating it in black and blue, the author manages to conceal exposition within the narrative and subtext, thus adding another layer to Darius' character. It is probably my two favorite lines in the chapter because of its subtly. If it is not obvious, I get imaginary boners for the art of subtlety, guys. I can go on about it forever, but I will try to limit the torture so I will move on.
-This author is probably more indecisive than I am or about the same level of ridiculous, I cannot tell, but I will not be surprised if they decide to go and rewrite this again in a couple of months because some new version of this story popped into their head. They cannot be trusted at all! (-2)
-I think the narrative, in this case, needs to be pulled out. Not always! God no. More like pull it out when it needs to be. The story is already being told in Darius' own words and his voice is distinguishable enough. Forcing the readers to remain imprisoned by his wrong opinions and constant complaining kind of becomes an overkill at times. I think a way to balance this out is to let Darius' voice come out more passive (I don't mean use "passive voice") like the way his demeanor and attitude suggests he is. For instance, it does not make all that much of sense that Darius cares about what the beggars do to Onyx City since the readers are not given enough to understand what makes him feel that way. So, I guess what I am trying to say in this incoherent jumble of words is that there is a lacking in context for certain things. (-1)
-There is a bit too much descriptions about useless imagery that the readers have already gotten the gist on...like three sentences back. I can see the heroin and the shit on the walls, writer-bro. We all have. It has been constantly ham-fisted up the reader's anuses for the last twelve minutes. It is getting kind of stale and it is not as immersive as it can be. I provided an external link for mastering this below if anyone is interested!
-A continuation on my last point, but it's kind of obvious that the author is trying not to info-dump a landfill on the reader but they seemingly struggle to find that much-needed middle ground, which is understandable. However, even though these efforts are recognizable there are subtle missteps that expose this chapter for being the (well) disguised info-dump that it is!
*Nelson Muntz's nasally voice sounds somewhere beyond the void* "HA HA!"
-Joking aside, this is not an issue at first glance, but if someone read this chapter three to five times like I did in the span of a goDDAMN WEEK (I keep on falling asleep yo), it becomes more obvious. And my rule, at least, is if problems become more apparent over multiple readings/re-watching, then it needs fixing. I think focusing on Darius' thoughts instead of the scene Darius is experiencing and making the readers feel that they too are experiencing it with him is what is causing this problem. (-2)
- For others, even though this opening chapter is lush with information and descriptions about ~things~ regarding Darius and his world. I still feel like I am missing essential information that could have been told if others got cut out on the "editing room floor". My advice is to: 1) Think about what needs to happen in this chapter to get the character to their next point. Think of the end goal. 2) Once that has been finished, try to write the scene as it naturally flows out as you type/sketch it out. 3) Go back and start to fill in the details with scenery descriptions, things forgotten along the way, etc. 4) Read the chapter back and file through the details that are essential to the character's situation and keep the ones that are necessary for the readers' understanding. 5) Remember: If something has been described once in a scene (unless if it is an important factor), cut the rest and give some exposition on why said thing exists/functions in said scene for the plot (e.g. the filth of the city vs. why the city is filthy besides the obvious crime/corruption) if it is not obvious to the audience. (-3)
-Darius has a rough, CONSTANT case of the fundamental attribution theory, which is basically failing to consider external factors that can explain someone, their actions/situation. This is what makes me not like him. He is low in empathy and doesn't see things beyond his own experience. However, that's a realistic trait that many rats (including myself when I don't catch myself doing it), I mean, er-uh people have so it doesn't take away from his believability, but it does leave me with a first (sour) impression of this character. If the author has not planned this already, this can make a nice (or part of it) character arc.
-It took me forever to find what I did not like about this chapter, guys. That is a problem. At least for me, it is. *Sucks teeth*
-Ultimately this chapter kind of fell short for all of these shortcomings and it took me a while to admit that because I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU--AGAIN. But common sense pulled me through at the end, so I'm good now.
My Takeaway:
-I like this. In fact, I think this is the best start this story has had so far and it seems like it has finally realized where it wants to go, mostly, but something is missing. With a few tweaks, this can be...good. As for now, I am going to label this as "aight, I guess it's good" and "promising", but I think the main priority that should be kept for this author is to keep writing what they have and see where it takes them. Or, start again! Everyone's creative process is different and I am a hypocrite if I say otherwise since I do this to myself all the time (which is why I write these reviews: it gets my creative and critical juices working, plus procrastination is a full-time job yo!). *Crosses arms*
Why/When I stopped reading:
-Sadly—yeah "sadly", disgusting, right? —there is only one chapter so I stopped reading at the end of chapter one.
Gummy Bears or Dust: You get.............
*Drum rolls*
FLOUR.
*Winces*
So, false alarm? I mis-scored this book initially, but I still do believe bro will get this book right in time so they get to keep the follow and the vote! RIP, my bad. :/
Anyway, today is my mum's birthday and since we woke up late, I am rushing to get this out yikes. Laters!
*Chicken-noodle soup's away*