A/N: IM SORRY THIS IS SO LATE! I've been so busy this last week because of the school year ending and I have awful writer's block. I'll try to write LOADS all over the summer. I travel a lot so I'll just write on the planes or in cars, I guess. This chapter is really bad and rushed, so I'm sorry. Enjoy.
(Unedited)
12.96.08.
Ashton and I decided to walk to school together. A few times our hands brushed which made my breath hitched. We were mostly silent except him laughing and making fun of the people dancing in their cars. I kept talking about how nervous I was about my time, wondering what they would be like, even though the entire time I want to say I'm praying it's you, Ashton.
By the time we get to the school, Ashton's completely silent. We walk to Science together, sitting at our table. We have a short conversation about what had happened the night before we're silenced.
-
At lunch, Calum's new girlfriend was clinging to his arm, so I decide to invite Michael to sit with me and Ashton, which he simply agrees to. He's quiet around Michael, and everyone else. I don't understand why he's not around me.
Michael's off talking about his timer and how it runs out in a month. When I tell him mine's this afternoon, he congratulates me, as I earn a sad glance from Ashton. He is, of course, without food, but when I offer him my chips, he shakes his head, followed by me sending him a worried glance and Michael sending him a strange one.
I couldn't hold in the question anymore. "Ashton, why don't you eat?" He freezes, looking at me with a hurt expression. Michael raises his eyebrow at me, so I drop the question, quickly changing the subject to Calum.
Ashton didn't let out another sound for the rest of lunch. He was staring at his hands, not replying to anything. When lunch was finally over, I'm reunited with Calum. He starts talking about Carsyn and how sweet she is, blabbing about how cute she is, and making me roll my eyes.
Once we make it to math, we sit in the same seats as the previous day, with Ashton and him next to me. Ashton fakes a stretch and sneakily checks his phone before relaxing and puts it back in his pocket. I chuckle at him causing him to grin at the wall.
The class went by slow, but we decided to stay quiet today. I didn't feel like dealing with 'Jade' today. Mr. Leikin passed out the homework 10 minutes before the bell rung, since there was a football game tonight and he wanted everyone to be able to go and 'support the team.' Usually at this school 'supporting the team' meant getting high off weed after the game if we win.
He allowed us to pair up to work on it, so Calum partnered with Carsyn while Ashton and I partnered, but we didn't even do the work. We ended up talking about Phil's new video.
6.07.03.
By the end of class, we never did finish that worksheet; he was in an in-depth fantasy about what he would do to Dan Howell if they were alone in a room in awful detail, making me laugh harder than I have in a while. We were walking to the buses together, when Calum caught up with us and took my attention. Ashton's voice slowly faded from my ears. I zone out of Calum continuously talking about Carsyn, he's getting annoying about it. I look at Ashton; he's fiddling his thumbs, without thinking I blurt out, "Can we walk home?" Calum goes quiet before shrugging and mumbling, "Sure." Ashton nods, kicking a rock in front of him.
-
Of course, I invited Ashton and Calum over to help me decide what to wear. No matter what gender you are, you turn into a teenage girl who is freaking out over what to wear on a date when it comes to your time running out. I threw on many different shirts: my Nirvana navy blue shirt, my plaid flannel with a black shirt on under it, my few Jawbreaking shirts, and my tie-dye tank-top. We finally agree on my navy blue Nirvana shirt with my black skinny jeans.
After about three hours of talking, Calum starts getting hungry and pouting. We move downstairs to watch TV and eat crisps. Ashton didn't eat any.
Once Calum left, it was just Ashton and I. We made our way back up to my room. I finally let out the question, once again, "Ashton, why don't you eat?" He freezes, dropping the album he's holding. I automatically know I said the wrong thing. "I, um, I can't." Silence. "You can't?"
He sighs, "I can't..." He's crying now, and it's my fault. I hug him, he pushes me away. "I moved here because I got bullied... I got called fat, an emo, a fag, anything really. They would hurt me, beat me up, and pushed me into the lockers. They'd followed me everywhere. They'd send me tweets, or they would message me on Tumblr. I could never escape. So I came here, to get away. That didn't work. Everyone here already hates me. I've already been called a fag and fat. I stopped eating a while ago. I have extreme anorexia and borderline anxiety. I started self-harming in Grade 9. When I was forced to get into my physical education uniform in Grade 10, I tried so hard to hide my scars, I couldn't. Everyone saw them. It got worse. They'd tell me to kill myself, to cut more. I would cry myself to sleep. I came here expecting everything to be the same, than you came along, Luke." I'm crying with him, hugging him again, this time he lets me. "You cared about me and even got me a friend, Michael, and I think Calum is okay with me. I've tried to eat, but it just comes back up. I'm sorry, Luke. I'm sorry I'm not perfect."
He wipes his tears away before wiping mine. "It's okay, Ashton; that's okay." I look at my time.
00.56.07.
Ashton's looking at it too, he slowly leans away from me. "You should get ready. You don't want to leave them waiting." He smiles gently at me, tears still rolling down his cheeks. "I'll see you there, Luke." He walks out my room, leaving me to my own tears.
-
Once I got at the game, I searched for Ashton, finding him, Michael, and Calum chatting. I smile to myself before walking to them.
00.24.08.
I join in on their conversation to calm down my nerves. It doesn't work. Thoughts are racing through my head. They won't show. They won't like me if they even show.
Calum tries to calm me down once he realizes me wiping my hands on my pants to get the sweat off. Michael and Ashton join in.
00.10.05.
I look around, no one else looks nervous; no one else looks like they're looking for their soul-mate. I decide to make my way to the front of the bleachers. I'm shaking now.
00.04.03.
I wipe the palms of my hands again. Everyone is still focused on the boys on the field, kicking a ball to each other. My heart rate is speeding up by the second. Everything is in a blur; it's all in slow motion.
00.02.14.
I straighten out my shirt with my awkwardly long fingers. There is no way I can do this. None. Fear sets in my stomach making its way through my body.
00.01.24.
My mother said I should be excited about this, but I was more nervous than anything. I was everything actually. Happy, sad, excited, nervous. I was about to explode with emotions, if that makes any sense. This was it; the moment I've been waiting for. I'm scared. I'm scared it will disappoint me.
00.01.02.
I sit down, looking at Calum, he's talking to Michael, but Ashton is staring right at me, as if reading my thoughts. What if they're not here?
00.00.48.
I clench my fists in fear. They're not here. They're not here. I start watching the game. I can't help but watch the timer on the scoreboard, almost making me look at mine.
00.00.23.
How is time going by so quickly? I'm scared. Why am I so scared?
00.00.15.
I'm horrified, no one, I mean no one, is looking around. I look at Ashton again; he gives me a reassuring smile.
00.00.10.
I start the countdown in my head. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. 0.
I'm still sitting alone; people are walking by me, talking and chatting. I start to scratch at my wrist. No, no, no, no. I'm crying now, tears running down my face quickly. I feel arms wrap around me; their Ashton's. I hide my face in his chest, letting myself cry. Calum and Michael quickly follow. I'm still scratching at my wrist, trying to get rid of the evidence that I'm a fuck up.
Michael drives me home after that. They all insisted they stay the night, but I wanted to be alone.
I'm a fuck up.
Ashton kept giving me worried glances throughout the entire ride. I walk into the house, completely ignoring mum, and walking up stairs, slamming the door behind me.
I'm a fuck up.
I'm crying again. The numbers. 00.00.00. They're still the same, they're not changing. I'm desperately wiping my tears, they won't stop.
I'm a fuck up.
I'll always be a fuck up.