Jaeden's mom left for a minute to grab something from her car that would help for my headache. I finally had a few moments to mull over how I felt about the phone call. I didn't feel like it was that big of a deal before, but now I couldn't stop playing the memory in my head. Over and over again I saw the way Finn smiled. Remembering how lonely I felt as I watched through a small crack in the door. I wish I knew what Josh said to make him smile like that.
All I wanted to do was surprise him that day. I wanted to spend as much time with him before the movie was done shooting because he'd be going to Atlanta to shoot Stranger Things 2 and I'd be going back home to L.A.
Then Jaeden's mom came back and handed me a pill. "I called your mom to see if she was okay with me giving you medicine." She said. I felt like I should've felt worse like this should've triggered a more emotional response. My mom had stopped talking to me a few weeks back. After work, I'd come home to food on the table and her in her room reading some book or sleeping. At least she cooked for me. Things at home were beginning to get lonely, we barely even looked at each other. I at least had Finn.
But instead of crying or getting emotional I just sat there and stared at Mrs. Lieberher. I couldn't talk, but that's because Jaeden's mom scared the shit out of me, even though she was one of the nicest people I'd ever meet. "She didn't seem to care...Is everything alright at home?"
I kept looking at her with the pill in my hand. It was beginning to get awkward. She continued, "I'm only asking because she didn't seem like...she cared whether I gave it to you or not. Like, if there's something wrong at home..."
"Everything is fine." I said, "She's just trying to get over my dad leaving us."
"Oh..." She paused, "If you ever need anything just come on over okay?" She smiled and that warmth that a mother should always contribute to a child's life finally filled me again, but only for a moment. It was like I had been in an ice age for the last few weeks and that warmth thawed some of the ice and then quickly froze back over. The two of the most important people in my life left me, and I was all alone.
"Thank you, Mrs. Lieberher," I said softly.
"It's no problem, really Jack. Jaeden really likes you. He talks about you a lot." she said with a smile. Something buzzed in her purse and finally, her attention was drawn away from me. I was free from the grasp of her eyes and I didn't feel this immense pressure of having to say the right things. Then she looked back up.
"I don't mean to change the subject, Jack. But I have an important question about Jaeden..." She waited for my response, and I nodded, "Is he gay?"
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. "Ummmmmm....I, What. Gay?" I asked, confused.
"I only asked because I heard him on the phone with Wyatt and he told him he loved him. And that he wished he could be in Wyatt's arms. I know you know Jaeden pretty well, so I was wondering if you knew." She asked.
"I mean he's close with Wyatt," I said
"I'm only asking because I don't want to talk to him about girlfriends and make him feel bad about who he is if girls aren't who he likes. I just don't want him to feel trapped. I mean, let me clarify: I'll wait for him to come out but until then I won't give him any speeches about the wrong things that might make him feel...bad about who he is."
Well shit. If I tell Mrs. Lieberher then, I mean, nothing terrible happens. I mean I betray my best friend's trust, but then again she just wants to make sure not to hurt him. She wants to make him comfortable and happy and that's all I want for Jaeden. Fuck, it does hurt when people ask if I've met "that special girl."
"Yes. He's very gay." I blurted out, "And I'm only telling you because I know how much it hurts to get asked if I like girls and if that girl "over there" is cute." I said without knowing precisely what I just admitted.
"Oh, so you're....gay too?" She asked, causing me to realize I spilled the beans all over the fucking floor. It was a boiling too, so it was hot as shit, and now it's all over the fucking floor steaming and shit. I had just created this biggest mess I never wanted and now she's waiting for me to respond. "Are you open about it?"
Am I open about it? If I was fucking open about it you'd know about it because Finn would actually touch me. He'd hold my hand and show me off to the world.
"No, I'm not. Especially not...not to my mom. She'd-" I panicked. "She'd kill me." Tears beaded up on the corners of my eye. I began to imagine the things my mom would do to me and the things she wouldn't do to me. The silence. Her deafening silence. Her glances at me, the type that are full of shame and disgust. She'd look at me like I wasn't human like she looked at my dad. I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't prepared for what she wouldn't say.
"Don't worry Jack. It's okay." She slid next to me bringing me for a hug. She was the first adult I told I was gay. I shook in her arms as she rubbed the back of my head. She told me everything would be okay and that she loved me no matter what. That warm, ice melting feeling returned, and I knew life wouldn't be as shitty as it was starting to feel like. With her and Jaeden I knew I'd be alright, but with Finn and my mom? I still didn't know.
I hope she is right.
--
"She fucking knows," I screamed quietly at Jaeden. We were in Finn's bedroom. He didn't know we were there, he was taking a shower after the long day at the Amusement park and I needed a neutral place to tell Jaeden about his mom.
"Who knows what?" He threw his hands up in confusion.
"Your mom knows about you and Wyatt." I said, "But you can't tell her I told you."
"What the fuck Jack. Why would she ask you about it?"
"I don't fucking know!" I said.
"Did you say something about me and Wyatt to her?" Jaeden got closer to me.
"No, I'd never." I paused a moment, "She heard you on the phone with Wyatt."
"Fuck." He stood up and walked over to the window looking at the dark skyline through Finn's window. "Is she mad?"
"She was bubbling over it, dude. She loves you and is supportive. You should just-"
"Are you crazy!? I'm not ready to come out." Jaiden turned around with tears running down his face.
"Jae, you don't understand, she's happy for you and Wyatt." I tried comforting him by grabbing his shoulder and rubbing it with my thumb. I'm not sure if it worked though, as he was sniffling like he was crying.
"But...I mean now that I know she knows it should be easy, right?" Jaeden whimpered. "Easy to tell her."
"If you're not ready, buddy, then it won't be easy. Shit like this doesn't have a manual or set of rules. I won't be able to tell you when you will be comfortable with yourself. I'm not even comfortable with myself. It might feel like pulling off a band-aid slowly and painfully or like having your back cracked releasing all the pent-up pressure. All I'm trying to tell you is that you should just trust that your mom loves you regardless." Jaeden was looking down at the ground, probably ashamed of what his mother would think of him for loving another boy. I picked up his chin and with a smile said: "Jae, she loves you. You're her fucking world. She's so proud of you no matter what you do and who you are."
"Thanks, Jack." He sucked in some air, "I love you, buddy." He said while wrapping his arms around me for a hug. He was much taller than me at the time, and his arm span was bigger than a fucking hawk's. He engulfed me in his chest.
"love you too, Jae." I said. He smelled really good. Then, my feelings for him started to return. They came up from the grave like the animals from pet cemetery, but thankfully, thankfully the door opened before the animals were fully out of the ground.
Finn was standing there with a toothbrush in his mouth and a towel around his waist. "What the fuck are you guys doing here?" He said pulling the toothbrush from his mouth.
"I needed to tell Jaeden something somewhere safe," I said pulling away from Jaeden.
"Okay...Well, where am I gonna get dressed then?" Finn whined.
"Here." I handed him some clothes trying to get him to leave so I could make sure Jaeden was okay. "Go get dressed in the shower or something"
"Jack I-" Finn tried saying,
"Get dressed in here then! It's nothing I haven't seen before." I said without thinking.
"Wait you've seen it before?" Jaeden said with a sniffle. This somehow pulled him out of thinking about his mom.
"Yeah, I'd like to know when you saw me too?" Finn said shivering a little as water dripped from his hair onto the cold wood floor.
Fuck I chose the wrong words there, "I mean it in the sense that I have all the parts he has. Just as you do, Jaeden." I paused a moment, "You know what I'm just gonna go."
I left the room, closing the door behind me. Then I realized I left my boyfriend almost naked with another cute ass boy. This was NOT okay, so I returned to Finn's room. Both boys hadn't moved.
"Jaeden lets go. Your house." I nodded at Jaeden in an attempt to get him out of the room.
"Oh shit yea, coming," Jaeden said. I slipped past him to kiss on Finn's cheek.
"Love you, babe," I said as I slammed the door.
"Love you too," Finn replied through the door. It was muffled and kinda defeated, in a cute sort of way.
To be continued.