After what happened, Beomgyu pulled Jihoon, Eliz and Lucy away from the field, leaving Soobin with Yeonjun.
Soobin accompanied Yeonjun through his dorm room. Both were silent, didn't really know how to start the conversation.
Soobin and Yeonjun sat crammed on Yeonjun's small bed, Soobin's nimble fingers hesitantly tracing across Yeonjun's forearm.
There was a small silence, Yeonjun was looking up at the ceiling, eyes gleaming.
Soobin looked at him, "Talk to me." Soobin said softly.
Yeonjun chuckled weakly, "I thought you told me not to? You told me to stay away." Yeonjun let out timidly.
Soobin also chuckled in a weak way, pressing his fingertips down on Yeonjun's veins, but not enough to hurt the boy, "I've never seen you break down like that. Never seen you cry."
Yeonjun looked at Soobin, "That day. Um.. before y-you came into my room. Before I- um..." Yeonjun trailed.
"Before you called me faggot." Soobin stated, calm, but the tone stingy.
Yeonjun nodded, "You saw him— my father. Before you came, he... he hit me." Yeonjun gulped, "He slapped and punched me." Yeonjun continued.
Yeonjun noticed Soobin's shoulders go down, worry filling his face, and god, the way Soobin's eyes grew big, that worried look on his face he'd get whenever Yeonjun got hurt or looked upset.
"Hey, why? What happened?" Soobin let out, scared.
Yeonjun looked at him, "He somehow found out about us. So, he came all the way down here to slap me across the face and punch me in my stomach. He also told me to never do anything with boys." Yeonjun explained.
Soobin gulped, looking down. Yeonjun felt like crying again, but stayed strong. He cried too much in too little time.
"He doesn't really care about my grades and other stuffs about school, but about football and that gay stuffs, I know he'll never let it slide." Yeonjun said.
Soobin wanted to ask more, but just let Yeonjun speak first. This is just the second time Yeonjun will open up, the first one was about how Yeonjun's mother died.
On the other hand, Yeonjun felt weak— fragile.
Earlier, Soobin had to hold Yeonjun's hand firmly and take him to his room, sit him down and ensure he calms down, because Yeonjun can't even stand well.
"Your name was included in the email that was sent to my father, so when you said your name, he knew it was you. And then he pretended to leave, but I knew he was still listening. And fuck— fuck, I got so fucking scared, B-Bin." Yeonjun stammered, panicking.
"He saw me touch you." Soobin murmured, faint.
Yeonjun nodded, "I panicked, and my f-first reaction was to do the only thing I've seen my father do— hit someone I care about." Yeonjun mumbled, getting flashbacks.
Soobin looked up at him, "Huh? What do you mean?" Soobin asked, confused.
Yeonjun felt like crying again, but still hold it in, "My f-father used to hit my mother. My mom, she was 19 when she had me. My father was 35. My mom was poor, naive, too young. I-I wish she wasn't." Yeonjun said, shaking his head, trying not to cry again.
"Remember when I told you that my mother died because of colon cancer? B-Before she died, she was abused."
Soobin looked at how Yeonjun's eyes began glistening with tears, arms almost giving out.
"I kissed a boy once when I was 7. My dad saw and then hit my mom, told her not to raise me like that. She came to me later and told me I-" Yeonjun took a deep breath, and Soobin put his hand on his arm.
"It's fine. You don't have to continue, Dan." Soobin said softly.
Yeonjun shook his head, wishing to let it all out for once, to explain and clear things out.
"She told me that it was wrong, t-that I shouldn't kiss boys. I love her so much, Bin, o-of course I cared deeply about what she said." Yeonjun finally let the suppressed tears roll down again.
"In hindsight, I-I know that she only said that to protect me. I'm absolutely certain she didn't mean it, not a bit of it. But a-after she died, I wanted to hold onto everything she ever told me."
Yeonjun took a deep breath, "But I become what she would despise— someone who hits people. Who bullies people. Who's mean. Who everyone's scared of. I'm like my father, Bin." Yeonjun started, and then looked at Soobin, whose eyes were teary too.
"When I raised my hand on you, I got flashbacks. It was so fucking traumatic, Bin. I grew up in a toxic environment. Soobin, I grew up having no family but my mom, do you know how it fucking hurts when she left me?" Yeonjun asked, voice cracking.
"So, Bin— I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have called you faggot, or made you think that being gay is different. I'm sorry, and you don't have to say it's okay, because I know it's not. I'm j-just a terrible person."
Soobin pressed his cheek to Yeonjun's shoulder. Yeonjun felt himself ease at that, resting his head upon Soobin's. Soobin puts his hand around Yeonjun's arm.
"It's not okay." Soobin said softly, looking down.
"Jihoon and Lucy carried me through the nurse's office, my mind was so cluttered, I was so confused about what you did. So I had to pretend that you hit me, so I can ruin you, so I can get my revenge, because you hurt me so much. So fucking much, Dan." Soobin let out.
"After that, I cried for so fucking long— thinking what did I do to you to treat me like shit. What did I say to make you hate me so much. It hurts, Daniel— because..." Soobin trailed, and Yeonjun just continued listening.
"I really liked you."
Liked.
Soobin said, and Yeonjun bit his lip, putting his hand gently on Soobin's side.
"I know. I'm so sorry." Yeonjun said, and Soobin closed his eyes.
They were quiet for a few moment, sitting on the bed, hearing the sound of wind rustling against tall trees from outside.
"You can punch me." Yeonjun said.
Soobin let out a little giggle, "Nope. I'm not going to do that."
"Seriously. I think it'll help." Yeonjun said, and Soobin shook his head, "Punch me, and then slap me, and then kick me and then-"
Soobin turned, pressing his face into the crook of Yeonjun's neck.
He forgot, for a second he did.
It was so easy to just get lost in Yeonjun's scent, his warmth, his touch. They were so touchy around each other, so close, so so close.
It was hard to stay away.
"When you mentioned you had a slight pain kink, I didn't know you meant on you." Soobin let out, and Yeonjun giggled.
Yeonjun looked down at Soobin, both quite close. Yeonjun felt in a trance by looking into Soobin's honey eyes, feeling the soft touch of his hand on his shirt.
"Why did you help? Today, I mean? You were with your friends and your b-boyfriend." Yeonjun asked.
Soobin paused for a few seconds, "Honestly I-I don't know." Soobin admitted, blinking wet lashes.
"It was like an instinct. I was walking down with Jihoon, and I saw from the corner of my eye that Beomgyu was talking to you, and then you just— you just broke." Soobin said gently and felt Yeonjun tense beneath his fingertips.
"I got scared. I left everything and ran into you. I didn't like seeing you cry like that." Soobin mumbled, and Yeonjun smiled.
"Thank you." Yeonjun said.
"Like, so much. It has been a really shitty week. I mean, I get kicked off as captain. None of the guys want to interact with me anymore. Someone keeps sending me shitty dm's on Instagram. You yelled at me. The coach tells me I won't get into my dream college. On top of that, today's the day my mom died. So-"
"Wait— what?!" Soobin let out, eyes big while looking at him, sitting up properly, "I'm so sorry. If I knew all that was happening, I-"
"Don't apologize, Binnie. You didn't know. You had all the right to get mad at me." Yeonjun said, and then squeezed his hand, "I'd get scared if you didn't."
Soobin sighed, looking at him, "Your mom sounds lovely."
"She really was." Yeonjun smiled.
"She used to make these cookies with macadamia nuts and chocolate chips in them all the time. She got me into football, she loved the sport. And..." Yeonjun trailed.
"I know she would have loved you. I know she would have." Yeonjun said softly.
Soobin reached forward, touching his shoulder, "I'm sorry." Soobin repeated.
Yeonjun looked at him, "Don't be."
Soobin then crawled up, settling down beside Yeonjun once more, almost draped over his lap— just ALMOST. If yes, then that would be totally weird.
"Do you miss me sometimes?" Soobin asked.
Yeonjun smiled sadly, "All the fucking time."
They both stayed quiet for like 10 seconds, until— "I remember when we were sharing this room, and I was playing video games, and you just sat on my lap and watched me play, and then fell asleep in my lap. I fucking— I miss you so much." Yeonjun said, and Soobin laughed sadly.
"You know what, Soobin? Honestly, since you left my room, waking up is kinda different and hard." Yeonjun admitted.
He moved up a bit, and then Yeonjun puts his hands around Soobin's waist and pulled him up, so Soobin was sitting on his lap.
"Dan-" Soobin began, but Yeonjun placed his head on Soobin's shoulder blade, fiddling with the hem of his jersey.
"You? Do you miss me?" Yeonjun asked after a pause.
Soobin looked down, and then gulped, "Dan, I'm with someone else now." Soobin reminded softly.
Yeonjun ran a finger down Soobin's thigh, "Yeah. How is it going with Jihoon?" Yeonjun asked.
"Good. We talk a lot about art and other stuff. He likes science as much as me. He's really nice, and I can tell he cares about me." Soobin said.
"I'm happy for you." Yeonjun said, and let Soobin rolled off his lap, sitting down by Yeonjun's side again.
Yeonjun bit his lip. "I'm trying to change, Bin. I even apologized to Jake-"
"You what?! Holy shit, you are trying to change!" Soobin gasped, and Yeonjun laughed fondly.
There was a bit more of silence, and Soobin placed his head back on Yeonjun's shoulder. Yeonjun let him stay, and Soobin began tracing the veins on Yeonjun's arm once more.
He should go.
It's late already, and he's been here too long.
Soobin looked up and saw Yeonjun looking at him closely, their faces barely an inch apart.
Soobin didn't say anything, just felt his breath hitch. Yeonjun looked down into his eyes, looking softer than usual, glazed.
He nudged Soobin's nose with his own.
Soobin shook his head gently. Yeonjun nudged his nose again, and this time, he let it stay.
Soobin gripped onto the bed sheets, "D-Dan-" He squeaked out gently, in a faint voice, not sure if he even heard himself.
"Can I? For the last time?" Yeonjun asked gently.
Yeonjun held Soobin's face closely to him, foreheads touching. Soobin just stared directly to Yeonjun, who have his eyes close now.
Soobin saw how tears began rolling into Yeonjun's face, and a small sob released from Yeonjun's mouth.
Soobin felt Yeonjun's face pulled away against his, and suddenly felt a kiss on his forehead and on the top of his hair.
Soobin knew how close they were, knew just one fraction of movement—
Yeonjun kissed him delicately, lips barely pressed against Soobin's forehead, just tingling in his warmth.
Soobin looked up at him. Yeonjun looked back at him, eyes sharing so much.
"Sorry." Yeonjun let out, "Don't get mad at me. Please."
Soobin sighed, "I'm not." Soobin said, and then looked at him, "Just don't kiss me like that."
"I know. I'm sorry." Yeonjun repeated.
"I know I said I wouldn't leave." Soobin said, voice coiled.
Yeonjun shook his head, "You've done more than enough, Bin. You can go if you want to."
Soobin nodded. He reached for the door, and then hesitated.
"Dan, you know this doesn't mean anything, right? Don't get your hopes up, please." Soobin said, voice airy.
He wasn't trying to be mean, it was just a reminding tone.
"I know." Yeonjun said, and Soobin turned and saw him look.
"Goodnight." Soobin said.
Soobin turned to walk away, but before he could, he heard Yeonjun say;
"I won't say goodnight, because this is definitely not a good night. I won't say goodbye, because this isn't a goodbye."
Yeonjun was facing Soobin's back, but he knew that Soobin was listening, so he continued.
"Soobin, I won't say I love you, because you're more than those words." Yeonjun mumbled.
Soobin stilled, the word "i love you" never slipped from both of their mouths to say to each other, but when Soobin heard what Yeonjun say— that he was more than those words, he doesn't know why his heart pounded.
"Soobin.." Yeonjun trailed, and saw Soobin turned around and faced him.
"I'll wait for you. I'm your home after all." Yeonjun added.
You know what? You can be mad at someone and still miss them, and that's a fact.
But you can also miss them without wanting them back, and that's also a fact.
Maybe in a parallel universe— where everything is in reverse, where all these things didn't happen. Maybe in a parallel universe— they were still each other's home.
Do not judge someone's path if you haven't walked their journey.
today's date : 10/05/2020