"Sometimes what is not there is more troubling than what is." - Unknown
***
Dear Jacob,
You didn't come.
I should be relieved honestly that you didn't come to Becca's party but of course my mind didn't let me rest and it was stirring constantly wondering why you didn't show up.
How I found out was unlikely as well...I was at the party, chatting with Paige and Angela when one of them mentioned you weren't going to attend. Canceled at the last minute.
"Really?" Was all I could say, trying to keep my voice even. There was something almost book-esque about the situation. Almost serendipitous if you will. I bit back from commenting further to prevent any ideas that I was disappointed.
I didn't have the right to be disappointed right? I mean it shouldn't matter to me if you were there right? I don't care about your presence...right?
Wrong.
If I truly didn't care, I probably wouldn't have taken extra care doing my hair that night. I wouldn't have taken extra time to do my makeup to perfection. I wouldn't have taken the extra time making sure I was well groomed if I truly didn't care that you were coming.
Maybe that's how all people feel when they're about to see their exes again. Maybe everyone gets those nervous feelings in their pit of their stomach. This overwhelming feeling of dread over seeing someone who hurt you long ago.
I didn't know what I wanted out of seeing you again. Was is so that I could show you how much better off I am? Was is so that I could test myself to see if I still felt anything for you?
I asked myself what I was after in this. If I was after anything from this.
And my best guess was that, I really wanted to prove to myself that I was okay. It had been so many months since we broke up and I truly wanted to think that I was in that stage of acceptance. I also wanted to think I had moved on from it all. I wanted to believe that I could see you again and not remember all the pain it
Sometimes, my own mind seemed to play my worst enemy in creating various scenarios that would haunt me in my dreams. And I believed in these far fetched ideas of what tonight was going to be.
Even after so many months, you're still good at making me nervous.
And I'm struggling to wonder how and why that is sometimes.
-Mia