Tahari
Renaissance Baton Rouge Hotel
7000 Bluebonnet Blvd, Baton Rouge, LA 70810...
After helping August straighten up his living room alongside packing up just enough clothes for a few days; we found ourselves in the presidential suite of the Renaissance Baton Rouge Hotel.
Sitting Indian style on the bed in nothing more than August's T shirt, I held my head down as I turned the pages of my yearbook. A bittersweet feeling came about as I did so. Today has taken a toll on me in the worst way. It went from being one of the most important milestones in my life to being one of the worst days of my life. The pain I felt when I was wounded, the pain I felt when I thought the only man that mattered was murdered was equivalent to how I felt while receiving my diploma. Equivalent to when my mother told me that I better not ever come back. Equivalent to when my father didn't give me a chance to tell him I got accepted to Louisiana State University. My heart was broken down to the core and as much as I've tried to fill the void with the love August have for me, I'm still hurt. My feelings are still tender. It's hard to come to realization that this is how things turned out for me but at the same time, I wouldn't change any of this for the world. I love my parents but if they can't accept the fact that I'm in love with August, then this is how it shall be.
As I turned the page of my yearbook, I dug deeper into my thoughts. As I did so, I couldn't help but hear the water from the shower stop from the bathroom. I soaked and cleansed off some of the things I've endured today an hour prior in the tub.
With "Let's get married " by Jagged Edge playing subtlety on August's Bluetooth hook up, I took in the words as the soft music calmed me down and put my ill feelings at halt. Smiling to myself as I softly sang to myself, I gazed at my drape yearbook photo as I read along the quote I chose for it. August and I were having a deep conversation and he just so happened to say that. Everyday that I'm alive, I try to live it to the fullest. I felt that , solely because he has become an open book for me. I know what he's endured as a child up until now. Although I couldn't relate to what he's been through, I can relate to what he said...
As I continued to softly sing along to the music, the bathroom door opened and a shirtless August walked out wearing no more than dark grey sweats and black socks. Walking over to his side of the bed where his luggage was, I caught a whiff of his scent. He wore a cologne that would make many women flock to him. Unzipping the luggage, he searched for a t-shirt to throw on. As he did so, the song changed to "Good Luck Charm" by Jagged Edge. As I continued looking through my yearbook, August walked over to me and grabbed the book before closing it and placing it beside me. I gazed at him as he grabbed both my hands and pulled me off the bed.
Pulling me in close to him, he began to sing effortlessly along with the song. "Every time that something good happens in my life, you're always there for me, looking good by my side.", He sang to me as he gave me direct eye contact and with that, I couldn't help but smile like a child in response as we slow danced.
"Picture you now, pulling up your pantyhose.", He sang with a slight smile as he spun me around. "And you always got that sexy underwear on", he sang as he put his hands up the t-shirt and cupped my bottom in a playful manner which caused me to laugh a much needed laugh.
Bringing me in closer to him, I calmed down my laughter and placed my head on his chest as he let the song ride a bit before he continued. "See I got so much love for you in these arms. Don't you know that you're my good luck charm.", he sang as he pulled away from me a bit so he could gaze at me as he sang the rest. "Loving you forever girl and never do I...wanna go without, my good luck charm.", he sang effortlessly before leaning down an planting a soft kiss upon my forehead. Afterwards, the song continued and he gazed at me in such a way that shown admiration.
I couldn't help but smile a grinny smile at him, I felt so nervous and I couldn't control my goofy smile. Shying away from his gaze, he placed his hand upon my chin and turned my face back in his direction, so I could look at him, who was breaking me down with his gaze. "When I told you that every time you smiled at me, you brought out the child in me. I meant that shit.", he said as a smirk crept upon his face.
"What do that even mean?", I queried as his face softened.
Gazing at me closely, he clenched his jaws before speaking."It means that ya smile make a crazy ass nigga genuinely happy for the simplest reason. With all this shit goin on in my life, you're the one that genuinely make me happy. Even in the simplest form as a smile.", he said before planting another kiss upon my forehead.
Fully breaking the hold he had on me, he walked around me and took a seat on the end of the bed. Noticing the sudden change in his demeanor, he sighed before leaning forward and placing his face in his palms. Deciding on if I should give him space or console him, I remembered when he was going through it because of what happened to Aaron's little sister, blaming himself; he didn't want to be alone, he wanted me to kill the silence and just talk to him. To keep him calm, to keep him sane...
Walking over to him, I stood between his legs and with that he took his face away from his palms and gazed up at me. Giving that the bed sat low, he rested his head upon my breast as I wrapped my arms around him. I knew that what happened with Devin had to hurt him because despite what they've been through, good or bad, that was one of his best friends, one of his brothers. Blood couldn't make them any closer. "It's easier to forgive an enemy than a friend", I said softly. "As I sat back and thought about that saying, I came to realization that it is in fact true. Although, I should've forgiven Briana even after I've done what I've done, I couldn't bring myself to do so because of what she's done to get me to that point that I had to defend myself, my actual life. I feel terrible as the days go by. I hate that it had to happen that way because she was my best friend", I said followed by a sigh as he squeezed me tighter.
"I know that you wanted to do more than what you've done in the heat of the moment but I'm glad that you didn't because I know you love him despite anything. I had to step in because I honestly don't believe you would've been able to live with yourself after actually realizing what you've done. I don't think he meant any harm as far as what he's done. He just doesn't think and instead of being a man about it and telling you the truth, he had a conversation with you about the past, felt guilt and couldn't do any more than apologize for something you didn't even know about.", I said which caused August to take his head away from my breast. He gazed up at me with an unreadable gaze.
Never saying a word to me, he left me to continue. "Knowing how the legal system is, how it could be; when it comes to some cops, some are crooked. My father is not exempt. Abusing their authority. Once they found out that Devin was a friend of yours, they took it and ran with it. Threatening him left and right and once they caught on that he was illiterate when it came to the legal system, they got into his head and convinced him that the only way to walk out free instead of being hit with an ample amount of charges was to let them in on what he knew as far as you.", I said followed by a sigh and with that August sighed before looking off to the side as his jaws clenched.
"Now what he chose to tell them was wrong on his part because he do owe you his loyalty because you've always been loyal to him but some can't deal with the pressure. I know that you know how them cops treat you in that interrogation room. They either play nice, try to twist the truth or try to beat the truth out of you and that's just a few of the things. You're strong minded and you can handle it but Devin, I just don't think he's half as strong as you are. He was afraid. That's what sets the two of you apart. I'm not taking up for him, I'm not, but I want you to understand the possible reasons for what he chose to do.", I said as he continued to look off.
"He was wrong for not being honest with you and continuing to be around you like nothing ever happened but I never got the vibe that he was shady. Not at all. The only vibe that I caught that he was intimidated by you at times but he still wanted to be around you because he genuinely loved you, his brother. It just turned into a situation he didn't know how to handle and he kept it to himself because he didn't want you to lash out if you found out. Which he learned the hard way", I said as I placed my left hand under his chin and turned his head so that he could look at me.
"I know you don't want to but I hope that you take in what I've said to you. I'm not telling you this because I feel bad for him, because I don't. I'm telling you this because I love you and as honest as you were with me when it came to Briana, I have to be honest with you about the situation at hand, with you and Devin.", I said as I began to tease his curls as I gazed at him. "I don't want you to live with that kind of guilt like I am because I know that you don't want to be known as a murderer for the rest of your life. Especially one to someone that's been like a brother to you.", I said softly. "I know you and Deandre weren't as close so you shown him no mercy but Devin, that's childhood. Plus, he wasn't half as bad as Briana", I said softly as I gazed down at August who appeared to be taking in everything I've said.
Sliding his hands down my back, down to my bottom, he spoke."I hear you", he said before letting off a sigh. "I got a lot goin inside my mind.", he said as he took his hands away from my bottom. "Don't think for a minute that I'm a fool. Don't know what I'll do if I lose you.", he said before taking a gaze at the floor before putting his attention back on me. "I needed to hear that because, you know how I am man and I swear to God, if you weren't there, it would've been over for that nigga and shit, I would've felt worse than I do now and I barely touched the nigga", he said in an exasperated tone. "If I ain't have you by my side to keep me calm, I'd been 10 times as bad.", he said before biting his lip a bit.
"Lady, you gotta know that I'm not feelin guilty about the situation with Devin, though. I felt guilty after seein ya smile. Knowin that I'm fuckin ya life up is eatin at a nigga heavy. I mean, it's gone always be bad blood between me and ya pops but the fact that he went off of assumptions and treated you like shit is gettin to me. Shit, he wasn't there for you when you got ya acceptance letter, wasn't there for you when you were off to prom and the nigga ain't show up to see you walk across the stage and receive ya diploma. Ya day ended by ya mama tellin you not to come back, no phone and witnessin me beat Devin's ass", he said as he looked down and shook his head. "I don't regret bein with you lady, cause like I said, we have a real good thing, nothin should come between us but I just hate how us lovin each other is hinderin things between you and ya people.", he said as he gazed back up at me. "I mean, as long as you want this, I'll love you and do the best that I can to love you, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually and sexually", he said which caused me smile.
Continuing to tease his soft curls, I spoke. "You're not the blame for the way that my parents are acting towards me. Their illogical way of thinking pushed me away as well as how overbearing they were to me. The assumptions alongside calling me ignorant and picking me apart made me want to rebel and be away from them and while it was happening, I was receiving a love from you that I've never experienced. Yes, what they have done and said to me was hurtful but you know what? You were there for me August. You put aside the terrible possibilities to come to prom, you were there for me when I told you about my acceptance letter. I wasn't even expecting you to be at my graduation because my parents were to be there but you were there for me despite the possibilities of my parents seeing you and both my parents weren't even there. Just my mother and when I tell you that it hurt to not see my father there...", I said followed by a sigh. "I was heartbroken because even though he has been treating me like I didn't even exist, I just wanted for him to at least love me enough to come see me walk across the stage as promised but he couldn't even do that. He couldn't even keep his promise. So during my speech, it was you that I had to give credit to because you were always there, just like you said you would be. Rooting me on and it was dawning on me as I said what came from my heart during the speech. Afterwards, I wanted to go home and cry myself to sleep but once I found out that you came, all them ill feelings I had washed away and you being there made me love you so much more. This is why you will always be my plus one, where ever I go", I said softly as my eyes welled up with tears.
Gazing at me closely, he wasn't quick to say a word but it was evident that he took in everything that I've said to him. I felt the gaze being in admiration. "You're perfect, you know that?", he questioned rhetorically which caused me to smile a soft smile.
"What's ya ideal date lady?", he queried changing the subject which caused me confusion but I wasn't going to bother with questions.
Pulling me on to his lap, I rested my head in the crook of his neck as I began to speak. "I'm a simple woman, so my ideal date would be to pick up some Domino's pizza, stop at the gas station for cold drinks, no liquor. and just riding the night away as we hold deep conversation with old music playing softly throughout the speakers of your ride. Oh, don't worry, I'll feed you some pizza while you keep your eyes on the the road with no set destination", I said softly followed by a soft laugh.
"Yeah?", he queried as he rubbed his right hand along my bare thighs.
"Yes", I spoke softly in response to him.
Patting my thigh for a second, he spoke. "Put some pants on so we can head out", he said and with that I stood up and just as I was going to speak, he spoke once more.
"The rest of the day is yours lady, let's make the most of it. Let's celebrate what's important and put the bullshit behind us and just live for the moment.", he said before standing to his feet and walking over to his shoes.
I took in everything that he just said to me and I was so appreciative of him. Despite the fact that my special day went left, he still wanted to put a smile on my face and make things right...
As he put his shoes on, I went through my luggage and searched for a pair of pants to throw on. After we got ourselves together for our outing, we were off.
Gazing out the window at the subtle traffic as well as the pinkish blue evening skies, I leaned on the door as August drove the streets of Baton Rouge. With the sound of "I miss my dawgs" by Lil' Wayne sounding throughout the speakers of his ride, I grew sick to my stomach due to the words. As a saddened state came across my being, I sat correctly in my seat before gazing over at August who wore a softened facial expression. The longer the song continued on, he would clench his jaws ever so often and I knew he was only hurting for one reason. The reason being a special person who was and still is dear to him...
Keeping his attention on the road ahead of us, he turned off of the main street and drove along the residential street until we came into a cul de sac that had a small park amongst it. Parking along the curb directly in front of the small park which was occupied with a few older women and small children, August turned the car off and ran his hand down his face. I could tell that he was messed up by a lot of what went on today but what set heavy on his heart was the loss of someone special to him.
Tilting his head back so that it could rest against the head rest, he closed his eyes before pinching the bridge of his nose. Drowning out the laughter of the small children at the park, silence fell heavy in the car. As the pain reflected off of him, I wasn't quick to speak; all I did was unfasten my seatbelt and slid over next to him. Shuffling in his seat, he sat up and wrapped his right arm around my shoulder. "Nobody knows what I go through", he finally spoke in a saddened tone.
"Aside from you and A.j, nobody know what I deal with on a day to day basis. I barely let Juan and Eric in on what the fuck I really be feelin. It went from me tryin to make money to take care of me and my family to me becomin a killer out in the Nola. I hate that my mama and my sister know that I do dirt out in the streets. They don't understand the life I chose. They can't stand the shit but it's survival of the fittest. I have to do what I have to do so the next nigga won't dead me because I got some people that depend on me and I can't give up.", he said said in the same saddened tone. "They don't know what I'm goin through", he continued.
"I got friends that ain't friends no more. Shit, I mean one of my best friends from back in the day went behind a nigga's back and got with a girl I thought I was in love with. Then today, I found out that my mothafuckin brotha went against the grain and let up on me but shit, it's because of how I move, I guess. Shit would be so much different if I didn't sit up and start sellin dope, ya heard me. I hate that my family have to call me all day everyday just to make sure a nigga ain't dead. Shit would be so much different if my mothafuckin brotha was here man, I swear to God. He wouldn't want this shit for me man, ya heard me. He was the only one I could talk to about anything and shit, he let me do me but if I was doin too much that nigga ain't hesitate to beat the fuck outta me and let a nigga know why afterwards. The only father figure a nigga ever had ", he said as his voice cracked a bit.
Letting the silence inside the car take over, I took in every single thing that he said. "The way I'm livin, it can hurt everything that you love", he said followed by a sigh. "When I tell you that you're the only person, the only woman that can help me cope with the loss of my brotha, shit, you help me get through the shit that I deal with, period. It's like no matter what, I feel like I'm stuck where I'm at because no matter what I do, it'll always be somebody out there tryin to dead me and you know that as long as I can, I'll dead them first. You know me, I be on that shoot or die shit. But man, knowin that, that's how it has to be would normally drive me insane man but with you, I'm here with hope cause I know that you bring out the good in a nigga and you could be that one who can help me out of this shit. That change that I need, shit that change that I'm bein blessed with as the days go by, ya heard me .", he said before letting off a sigh. "You're slowly but surely fillin that void I've been feelin as far as the loss my brotha. I'll always have my days man but the more that I let out everything I'm feelin as far as my brotha the more content I become because I know he ain't out here goin through it like me. I miss my nigga and I'm glad I got you here to keep me leveled because he ain't here to do it", he said once more.
Taking his arm from around my shoulder, he took his right hand and ran it down his face. As he did so, I scooted over back to my side and opened the door and stepped out which caught August's attention. Walking around the back of his car, I walked towards the driver's side and opened the door.
"Come out, get some fresh air", I said softly as he gazed my way.
Taking in what I said for a for a moment, he got out of the car and followed me to the back. Taking a seat on the trunk of the big body car, I held my arms out, longing for him to give into me. Standing between my legs, I wrapped my arms around his neck as he wrapped his around my waist. Hugging each other tight, I let my left hand palm the back of his head to show him more comfort. "I love you August", I said softly as the gentle breeze brushed against us.
Slightly pulling away from the hug, he gazed at me with that familiar unreadable gaze. As if he was trying to figure something out. "I love you too", he said sincerely which caused me me to smile softly. Taking my arms from around him completely, I placed my hand under his chin and began softly stroking his beard between my index and thumb as I took the time out to take in how imperfectly perfect he was.
Mirroring my gaze with a softened expression, he spoke. "I'm sorry for pullin over but once that song came on, a lot of shit went through a nigga's mind and instead of ridin around and fuckin up our plans, I had to pull over and vent. I'm tired of feelin like shit man", he said as he gazed down.
I knew his reasons for gazing down was the threatening tears he had. Lifting his head up so he could face me, I let my eyes roam his face and I felt everything that he was feeling. Taking him into another hug, I spoke. "I know it hurts August but I want you to understand that even though his body is at rest, his soul will live on for eternity. He will always be with you and he'll never leave you astray baby.", I said as I palmed the back on his head once again. "Whenever you're feeling this way, I'll always be here to talk or just listen. With me, you ain't gotta worry about nothing. I promise, I'll always be here for you, no matter what", I said and with that he squeezed me tighter.
"That's all I want. Thank you for givin me a chance", he said in the crook of my neck.
Running my fingers through his soft curls, we remained in the same position for a moment as we heard no more than the joyous laugher of the small children amongst us. "I wish I could've met him", I said softly before continuing. "Seein how much he means to you is a beautiful thing. He's shown guidance and taught you how to be a man as far as what he knew. He's apart of you". I said softly.
Without responding to anything that I've said, he pulled away from my embrace and helped me down off of the trunk of his car. "Let's go", he said to me and without saying a word, we both got in the car.
He started the car up as I fastened my seat belt and with that, we were off. I gazed out the window as he drove the now busy streets of Baton Rouge. With subtle music playing throughout the speakers of the ride, we didn't bother saying anything to one another. Not that I didn't want to but I wanted him to keep his mind at ease because he vented an earful to me. As he continued to drive the road ahead of us, he drove along the curve, getting ready to merge on the highway. The way towards home...
Without out asking any questions, I just sat back and enjoyed the ride back home. A while into the drive, I couldn't but notice his right hand resting upon his lap. Reaching my left hand into his lap, I grabbed his right hand and he squeezed it in his grasp as he kept his eyes on the road. As he did so, he lifted my hand and placed a gentle kiss upon in.
Smiling to myself, I took in everything about him. There was no regrets; no doubt in my mind when it came to choosing to be with him. I see myself being his wife, I see myself bearing his children. I see us growing old together. I see my whole future in his eyes. There's no doubt in my mind that he wasn't made for me. Felt as if we were meant to be just what we were to one another. The love was intense. It was raw and I felt how much he loved me just by gazing into his eyes. It radiates. It's amazing how powerful it felt by eye contact alone...
After about an hour and twenty minutes, we drove along the busy streets of New Orleans. Time was moving on with darkness threatening to fall sooner than later. By now I was leaning against the door as August kept his attention on the road ahead. As the the breeze from outside circulated throughout the car, causing fly always from my now unkempt ponytail, I placed the strands behind my ears before letting out a deep sigh.
After a while of driving, we finally made it to our destination.
Mitch's Flowers
4843 Magazine St, New Orleans, LA 70115...
Parking along the curb along the sidewalk in front of the small building, August spoke. "I'll be right back lady", he said and in response, I softly said "Okay"...
Once he departed from the vehicle, I shifted in my seat as my breast which I was aiming to ignore, grew even more tender, more sore. Letting off a sigh of frustration, I gently rubbed them until I came to realization that it wasn't helping much. I just had to wait for the pain to suppress. As time went on, the pain finally began to fade, slowly but surely and just before I was about to dive back into my thoughts, the door opened and August got in with some flowers. Placing them in between us, I admired them as he started the car up, put the gearshift on D and pulled off into the streets of the Nola...
Leaning back into his seat, we cruised along the main street which was busy. As the stoplights reflected off of the black paint of the car, I kept my attention out of the window of the on going traffic. With the sound of Tears by The Isley Brothers sounding throughout the speakers of the ride.
As August kept his focus on what he was doing, I continued to gaze out the window. As the song music carried on, I softly sang along. "I can't hold back these tears, let me cry.", I sang before continuing. "Although a man's not supposed to cry. If I hold back my tears, I'll just die", I sang as the lights continued to reflect off the paint.
As the music continued, I gazed over at August who appeared to be taking in the words of the music by the way he would clench his jaws due to certain parts but for the most part, he was keeping himself together...
After a while, we pulled up to a familiar place...
Saint Louis Cemetery
300 N Claiborne Ave, New Orleans, LA 70112...
Parking in the parking lot of the cemetery, August turned the car off. I sat up and gazed amongst our surroundings before speaking. "August, don't they close at 3:00 pm?", I queried out of curiosity as paranoia shown face.
"It does but the last time I came through, it was about 10 at night, shit, I don't care. The security don't give a fuck no way.", he said in response and with that he gazed at me. "Listen, I'm sorry for bringin you out here so late but I haven't been to see him in a while and with the conversation we had, I just wanted to bring you by. If you don't feel comfortable with this, we can leave", he said and with that, I brushed away my paranoia with being at here at this time of night and spoke. "No, no, this means a lot to you, lets go", I said in response and with that he gazed at me for a moment before grabbing some of the flowers and getting out the car.
Following suite, I got out of the car as well and followed behind him close. With no more than the gentle breeze as well as the small rocks sounding beneath our feet, the entire area was silenced. As the full moon lit up the entire cemetery as well as the light posts that were accompanied along the cobblestone walkway, I linked my arm around his. "Is this where the voodoo queen, Marie Laveau buried?", I queried as we continued walking.
Gazing down at me for a moment, he spoke. "Naw, she was buried in the St. Louis cemetery 1. The older cemetery. This one is Saint Louis 2", he corrected. "You into that or somethin cause I don't fool with that shit", he said as we continued walking.
I shook my head. "No, not at all. I just...", I said followed by a sigh.
"You just what?", he queried.
Pressing my lips together, I shrugged. "I don't remember too much but I believe that my father might have dabbled into when I was younger. I'm not as sure because I had a dream about it. I was a little girl in my dream and everything seemed to be so familiar. As if I was reliving it. It was so intense and the fact that the only reason I know of her is because of my dream unless it was actually a memory, you know?", I continued. "I don't know", I said softly.
"We'll talk about that lady, cause I see that it's botherin you", he said to me as we approached a single crypt indoor mausoleum. Pushing the stone door open, we walked inside. It was lit up with dim lights. Walking up to the casket, I let go of August's arm. Gazing towards me, he gave me a few of the flowers. Taking a seat on the floor with his back against the casket, he let out a deep sigh. "It's been a while", he said not paying me any mind at this point.
I only gazed at the scene. "I've been goin through it heavy man and I ain't gone front like I don't miss you cause there's not a day when I don't think about you man.", he said becoming more vulnerable. "As the days go by, I remember we was sittin on the ave. Wish I could take it back to the days we lost", he said followed by a sigh. "But it's easier said than done", he said as he set the flowers aside and ran his right hand down his face. "Shit was so simple back when you were here. When I was on the verge of losin my mind, all I had to do was go to ya room and have a heart to heart with you. You always kept it real with me, brutally honest and now that I lost that, I'm out here messed up. A nigga feel like he's livin his last days", he said and with that, my eyes began to well with tears as I stood idle as he continued.
"I'm prayin otherwise though but if that day come sooner than later, I hope I see you on the other side so we can kick it like we did before. Shit, I hope you leave a little room on the other side so I know I got somewhere that I can go. But I'm prayin to God that it doesn't happen before I have a chance to grow with my lady, my queen.", he said as tears began to stream his face. "I pray that I'm forgiven for my sins cause I miss you, ya heard me, I do but I'll miss her too.", he said and with that he placed his face in his palms and broke down. Audible cries.
Walking over to him, I got on my knees, put the flowers aside and took him into my embrace. Crying into me like he's never done, I gently rocked him from side to side. "I swear to God lady, it seems like I'm losin myself", he said as he continued to cry. "If I lose you or somebody else, I'm gonna need somebody's help", he cried into me.
"You're not going to lose me and you're not losing yourself either, I won't let you. Remember what I said August. With me you ain't gotta worry about nothing. As long as you got me, I got you. You tell me that all the time and believe me, it'll be that.", I said to him as he continued to cry.
"I hear ya, I do", he said trying to calm himself down.
Slightly pulling away, I gazed at him and with no hesitation, I wiped away his tears. Sighing, he gazed at me for a moment before titling his head back and closing his eyes. "My girl and I had a heart to heart and I decided to bring her down to see ya. Shit, plus I ain't been here in a while and the shit was overdue.", he said low. "She's been the biggest blessin I've ever received. That peace of mind I've needed since you left me, she's been takin care of me yung. She's been everything that I've ever wanted, shit, she's been everything a nigga ever needed.", he said in the same low tone before going mute for a moment..
As the wind outside grew stronger, a word wasn't said and he continued to be in the same position. "Remember all the good times we had, it's so sad cause we can't go back.", he said softly. "Now all we got are old times, throwbacks...", he said before continuing. "Now you stay forever on my mind", he said continued. "See you on the other side big brotha", he said softly before opening his eyes.
Grabbing the flowers, I did the same and we both stood to our feet. Wiping the remains of the tears away, he placed the mausoleum bouquet in one of the front vases and just as he did so, I placed the flowers he's given to me in the other.
Grabbing both August hands, I closed my eyes and bowed my head and he did the same. "Lord, at the moment nothing seems to be able to help the loss August feel.
My heart is broken because his heart is broken and his spirit mourns. All I know is that your grace is sufficient. This day, this hour, moment by moment
I know August chooses to lean on you for when he is at his weakest; Your strength is strongest. August pours out his grief to you and praise you that on one glorious day when all suffering is extinguished and love has conquered, him and his oldest brother shall walk together again... On the other side, amen", I said softly and with that he took his hands from my grasp and hugged me as tight as he could and I hugged him back.
We remained that way for a while before breaking our hug. Gazing at the casket before gazing up towards the ceiling, he spoke. "I love you. I hope I see you on the other side", he said before doing the sign of the cross by touching the hand sequentially to the forehead, lower chest and both shoulders.
Making our departure from the mausoleum, the cemetery overall, we found ourselves back in the car. Making a stop at the gas station to fill up the half full tank, he drove into the empty pump island and parked. Letting out a sigh, I spoke. "I'll pay and pump the gas, plus I need to learn how to do it anyway", I said which caused him to furrow his eyebrows.
"I see so many niggas out here havin their women drivin them around, sittin in the car while they payin and pumpin the gas and shit. As long as I'm ya man, you'll never do no shit like that. So naw, no the fuck you not doin that but what you can do is get the drinks you want outta here. The night still young, lady, we still gotta have that date, ya heard me", he said to me and I took it all in. I never thought too much into what he said but he was right...
"Okay", I said softly and with that he nodded before opening the car door and getting out. I followed suite.
After getting drinks, wet wipes, disinfectant, winterfresh gum and him pumping the gas, we stopped at the closest Domino's Pizza and ordered a large Philly cheese steak pizza, cheese bread and hot wings.
We were now on our way back to Baton Rouge but he decided to take the back roads instead of the highway. The long way. After hooking his bluetooth up to his new radio system, he spoke. "Aight, let's check out some early 90's shit", he said as he multitasked between driving and looking for something to listen to. "Can we talk by Tevin Campbell?", he queried.
"Yes, I love that song", I chimed which caused him to chuckle.
"What you know about that lady?", he queried as he pressed play.
"I know plenty. I grew up on that music. All my parents used to play.", I said in response as the song sounded throughout the car.
"I hear ya", he said and with that I bobbed my head to the music that settled in and with that, August began to sing along.
"And just like a roni, you were too shy. But you weren't the only cause so was I.", he sang effortlessly. "And I... dreamed of you ever since
Now I... built up my confidence", he dragged out flawlessly which caused me to smile at how beautiful his voice was. "Girl next, next time you come my way
I'll know just what to say", he sang and I couldn't help but take in his smile as the moonlight shined off of him.
Joining in, I began to sing alongside him. "Can we talk for a minute?
Girl, I want to know your name", I sang terribly which caused him to stop and laugh.
"That's how you feel, huh?", he queried as he gazed at me for a second before putting his attention back on the road.
"You didn't like my singing?", I queried holding a smile.
Resting his back against his seat, he began to stroke his beard between his index and thumb. "Naw", he said nonchalantly which caused me to laugh. "But I can name so much shit that I love about you", he said which caused me to smile. "I ain't gone say cause I'm not about to flatter you. Now do me a favor and feed ya man", he said and with that I opened the pizza box and grabbed a slice and reached over for him to bite into it.
Placing the rest back in the box, I began eating on my own slice as I hummed along to the remainder of the song. Reaching over to turn the radio down a bit, August spoke. "Thank you Tahari", he said which caused me to furrow my eyebrows. "For actually bein there for a nigga, for givin a damn about me. Shit, for lovin a nigga. Nobody saw potential in me but you did and I'm glad you saw beyond the Sina shit and ain't become closed off with me, I'm glad that you actually wanted to know August. I'm glad you came around when you did, cause you were what I needed in my life and I'll always protect you lady. If anybody touch a nigga where his rib at, it's over and that's on God. I can't do this thing called life without you and it sets in deep everyday. Even tonight, you were there for me. A nigga was goin through the motions all day but shit, you consoled me. I needed that, shit, I wanted that.", he said sincerely.
I took in every word that was said and it only made me feel warmth within my heart. Today was full of so many countless emotions but for the most part, we both gave strength to the other. With "Beauty" by Dru Hill sounding faintly throughout the speakers, I spoke. "Remember the day when I called you and told you that I thought I was in love with you?", I questioned rhetorically followed by a sigh. "That was the day that I became sure that I was in love with you because that was the same day I got your named branded on my body. The same day you told me that you loved me back", I spoke softly. "I promised you, myself and God that I would always be there for you, when I'm needed and when I'm not. Even when you were mad at me the night you found out about my father, once I found out you were arrested, I just had to get you out of that situation. I didn't care if my father would've seen me, my only concern was you. When I tell you that it'll always be you, I mean that. You mean the world to me August and despite anything we go through, I'll never leave your side, no matter what. My word is my bond.", I said softly before speaking. "I love you and thank you too", I said softly.
Without saying another word, he made a turn into an empty parking lot. Once he parked, he closed the pizza box that was resting in my lap and moved it to the backseat. Picking up the extra flowers from earlier, he spoke. "Slide over here", he said and with that I unfastened my seatbelt and did just that. Handing the flowers over to me, he spoke. "I know I got you some earlier but I've never experienced a love like this and I want to keep you happy, even with the lil corny shit, ya heard me", he said followed by a slight chuckle which caused me to smile.
"Thank you August", I said softly before he spoke.
"Hold on lady, there's something else I got for you", he said as he went through his cell. "I dabble into music from time to time and a while back, I was writin up some shit and I wanted to get it recorded. I ain't tryin to be a singer but since I know how to sing and you seem to like the shit, I messed around and wrote down what came to mind back before we became this and made something for ya and I want you to hear it", he continued.
Leaning over, he turned the radio back up and with that he pressed play. I leaned into him as I took in the words of the beginning of the song and with that, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and before I knew it, he began to sing along. "Depends on how I be feelin, you'll see what my heart's revealin. Maybe you got what I'm missin. Would you keep it real if my heart belonged to you?", he sang effortlessly. "Baby, would you act right, could you be the one on my side or would you run and hide?", he sang before continuing.
"If I gave my all to you, baby, would you play your part if I gave you my heart?", he sang as he squeezed me a bit.
As the chorus sounded, I figured the name of the song was "Would you know"...
"Would you stay down for a nigga, times get bad, stick around with a nigga?", he continued to sing effortlessly. "If I came home late and I had a long day, would you lay me on the bed, go to town on a nigga?.. Tell the truth, baby, would you be the one I need, baby, could you take all of me? If I call you, are you down to ride, if fall will you be by my side?", he sang...
Although my eyes were closed shut, that didn't stop tears from seeping through. I've never experienced this type of love from anyone and I felt it so much that it was overwhelming. The love was so raw, so real and I couldn't see it coming from anyone else but him, I wouldn't except it coming from anyone else but him. It'll always be him...
"When you feel like you're goin insane, all these nigga's actin strange. And you feel like nobody else is feelin your pain", he dragged out as he sang and with that, I placed my face in my palms and let the tears take over. This really made me feel so much love.
Tightening his grip around me, I tried to calm myself down. I sat correctly in my seat and with that, he leaned in and placed a gentle kiss upon my forehead. "My heart belongs to you. My good, my bad. My now, my past. You got my heart lady"....
_______
"The heart has its reasons which reason knows not"...
_______
"Did you hear about the rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?
Proving nature's law is wrong it learned to walk with out having feet. Funny it seems, but by keeping it's dreams, it learned to breathe fresh air. Long live the rose that grew from concrete when no one else ever cared"...
-by Tupac Shakur