Word Count: 2727
UPDATE: The author has changed the cover and title (obvs) since the review.
Title: His Demons
Genre: Mystery/Thriller
Blurb:
He walks into school in jumpers that hide his colourful bruises and broken bones and excuses that conceal the voices in his head and the screams he hear.
She was the queen of the school as she walked with her head held above the sea of society's flaws she doesn't realise she has drowned in.
With her father's betrayal and his father's abuse - they are forced to work together as they both live their troubled lives and soon they won't be worrying about a mere project but something or someone far more dangerous.
[semi auto-biographical]
Status: Ongoing
~
Starting Points: 30
Cover: Looks like a Tumblr fanfic cover from 2012. (-1)
Title:
-Again, corny Tumblr fanfic vibes. Can we all collectively move past the incessant referring to "issues" as demons? It's stale and is cringe-worthy at this point.I may or maybe not being extra, but it always makes me think that people are giving their internal issues (or mental health problems) an external paranormal force that's wreaking havoc on their lives when it's an actual internal "force" and has nothing to with the paranormal. It almost helps stigmatize mental health and/or flaws by demonizing them. Or I may just be finding things to complain about for the willy-nilly, who knows! (-1)
Blurb:
-So, the first two sentences of this summary is introducing the main characters (what's their names? Who knows, and fuck you for asking!) of the story and its not written terribly, but it does come off corny (like everything else at the moment, though fret not! I haven't begun reading yet). And I despise corniness. It seems to be some religious practice on here and I see it constantly in romance, general fiction (whatever that even means), teen fiction, or anything meant to pull at the easiest heartstrings. Also, it's distracting that these two sentences are written in present and then past. Are these stories in two different timelines or something? Actually, throw out the last two sentences I just typed because the tenses are jacked up entirely.
-Anyway, there's a subtle line between "too vague" and "just enough" when it comes to the information given in a summary. Maybe this is a simplistic plot with not much to be a chatterbox about or there's not enough meat given to make this blurb work as well as it could. I won't complain about this much because this summary doesn't really deserve the drag so I'll save my rants for putrid blurbs to come! (*Audience cheers*) This one I'll give a semi-pass because I'm still taking points for its lacking. *Audience boos*
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, bite me. (-3)
Plot: Outcast boy that's abused by his shitty "dad", and popular girl going through some type of existential crisis has to work on some class project has to like...run from a boogie man of a sort? Literally given the bare minimum, and is kind of nonsensical. That can't be good.
*Looks into the camera like I'm in The Office*
Opening thoughts:
-The first chapter is a prologue and it's a dream sequence. I understand why people hate both. I know none of this really matters because it isn't happening in reality (so it's essentially a waste of time and is only jacking itself instead of putting the key into the ignition--and it's unfortunate to everyone) it's melodramatic, and the second "[blood] dripped over his bulging eyeballs ad slid over his teeth which were white and perfect" appeared I just laughed. Okay fine, my mouth twitched but I'm pretty sure its suppose to be a smile. (-3)
-Basically, dudebro (gonna call him Benson and his smiley counterpart, Mirror Benson) is in some room with no light switches (I guess) because apparently, this is a cliche horror movie and lights are prohibited because of Benson (this feels an awful lot like Oculus if I'm going to be specific)! There are a demon mirror and a demon reflection of Benson walking towards him, and the mirror version steps out of the mirror gets freaked because he's like "Holy shit?! I'm not in the mirror world anymore! Yo, the fart is this?!" and the only reasonable thing for Mirror Benson to do is to start shedding his skin and bleed everywhere like...he's on his menstrual cycle? You know what, he's probably just dying, I think that's what it is. Anyway, Benson watching these Saw-like happenings is just standing there like the idiot he so apparently are the same things occur to him.
-Amazing course of events! Seriously though, its nonsensical prose pretending to be something. I figure if someone entertained this, it could be interpreted as uh, Benson here is afraid that the side of him that he hates and hides will be revealed for everyone to see and he'll ultimately become that "flaw"? Don't know, don't really care, but I'll continue.
-So chapter one begins and we have our main male character, Thayer (finally!), in a bathtub. He seems to be injured, maybe burned. Dunno. Anyway, he's recalling what happened to him the night before and I feel...off. Besides from this reading heavily melodramatic (feels like I'm watching ABC Family)--which I'll admit is kind of hard to not be with a subject matter such as domestic abuse but it's definitely doable--the narration needs some work.
-After a tsunami of I's, Thayer gets handled by his pops and the "action"(?) The entire paragraph is a garbage funkle. Ham-fisted, garbage funkle. The type of garbage funkle that you can taste on your tongue for not brushing your teeth at night after a couple days during a depression binge. Yeah, that one. *Spits in disgust*
-Worse part of it though is the portion when Thayer recalled himself "yelling and choking" on his own blood as his dad flailed him around the room with his Popeye muscles. First of all, he's getting his ass beat. Seemingly for a while now. Shouldn't he be too tired to be screaming? Also, choking on his blood? What the fuck...is his dad Freezer Mom.
-Okay, spending too much time complaining about this...*checks what I just read* oh--chapter one apparently? I thought that was a fucking prologue. What in the hell...(-2)
-Any whom, chapter two's first paragraph is a glob filled with the word "eyes". It's mentioned six times and there's only four sentences in the paragraph (isn't even a paragraph by the standards either). The rest is horrendous, so I'll discuss why below.
Characters:
-Thayer (formally referred to as Benson/Mirror Benson). Abused, skinny, hurt. I've got nothing else. Stay tuned, folks!
*Future me pulls a chair to the center of the room and sits on it backward; the douchebag way*
-I'm sorry to announce that Thayer's character is a complete atrocious representation of mental illness. Its inept presentation is jarring, unrealistic, and kind of offensive. He seems to be suffering from some surprise DID (correct me if I'm wrong), he's also a hot topic kid, and I'm so fucking annoyed I may gouge my eyes out. Here's one of his standout quotes: {Through my periphery, I noticed her studying me, grimacing at the stinging bruise on my face. But when my hardened eyes landed on the passing teacher, a fake smile flashed on her face before she walked away. Because those that don't fit society's criteria deserved no shits or sympathy.}
-Skipping over the fact that periphery is the improper form of the word the author needs: Can it get any headass than this? It doesn't even make sense!
-Allison. Caricature of a promiscuous girl, borderline narcissist, probably a sociopath, and is literally Regina George. Her characterization and introduction are borderline terrible. Everything a writer is not supposed to do seems to be done here. And it sucks major balls. It's not even cringe-worthy, it's plain bad. This character is aggravating in every sense. It's almost as if the writer wants us to not like her, for two qualities that could've still maintained a likable character. This suffers from simple laziness, really.
-Here's an excerpt of this character's narration and why my belief that if she got buried alive I'd be fine with it is JUSTIFIED: As if he had a chance with the most popular girl in Everett High who's screwed more boys than he would be in his life[...] Then again, who wouldn't be happy if they were in my presence? After all, I was a goddess. At least in some past life. Maybe in Ancient Greece, the goddess of wealth and power. [Ramblings of self-ass eatery continues]
-It's like Thayer and Allison are dueling out to see who can be the bigger jar of shit!
-Camilla. Harmless clone.
-Every character is poorly crafted. Not one shows a sign of authenticity. Plus, I'm bored.
(-5)
Dialogue: Nothing is here. No really, there's barely any dialogue, but when it is there it's poo so I'm not even going to spend time on it.
Grammar/Punctuation issues:
-Also, on a technical standpoint, it's kind of a mess. Not only is Thayer's flashback being (mostly) told but it's also repetitive. There's no diversity in the sentence structures (e.g. "And then this, then that..") and the amount of times I've read "I" is alarming, holy shit. (-2)
-Parentheses are generally thought to be unprofessional in literature and aren't typically used, especially since they are never necessary and can be swapped out for commas. In the way that it's used in chapter two, it serves no purpose.
-Nonetheless, the author has a grasp on basic grammar so I didn't suffer in that sense. *Lackluster cheering*
Inconsistencies:
-If Thayer's dad basically Bane'd him why is he waking, functioning like a person with just a couple of bruises? He said he has broken bones (where exactly?) but there are no descriptions given of this like a gait in his walk, stiff shoulders...something. No one would be able to function with a broken limb without any antibiotics, some form of cast, or medical assistance--unless if this is set in the stone age I don't see how that makes sense.
-Excerpt: His eyes were shut and his kisses were passionate but I couldn't help rolling my eyes at the poor boy. As if he had a chance with the most popular girl in Everett High who's screwed more boys than he would be in his life
*Rubs eyelids* *stares at screen for ten minutes* *dissociates briefly* *forces self back into body* *sighs*
-I can't tell if it's supposed to be ironic, satirical, or anything that can pass this as "okay". Whatever this is trying to achieve it's failing. I'm actually distraught about this. She's...she's making out with this kid, but somehow thinks that he doesn't have a chance with her...but yet she's actually entertaining him by...kissing him. What kind of self-contradictory mess is this...
-Is this meant to be an attempted comedy?
-Please excuse me so I can wash my eyes out with bleach. *Instead just stares at my keyboard in utter defeat*
-The scene where Thayer is having a (random) hallucination is handled astoundingly wrong and it accomplishes nothing but confusion, annoyance, and is anticlimactic. Throw it out. Nothing about it is good. It's probably the worse thing that I read so far during this read. I'd advise watching Mr. Robot, it actually depicts [hallucinations/delusions] pretty well.
-Why is there a need to switch POVS? This story could've been strictly told/shown through Thayer's eyes and it could have fared in comparison. Giving the story two filters only skews the focus and muddles what direction the book is trying to go in. Right now, Allison's POV made this book turn into some high school teen fiction, rather than a teen fiction dealing with—holy shit, this is a mystery thriller?!
*Stops talking*
*Staggers back into the darkness in horror*
-Why hasn't the story start? What is going on? No one cares about any of this! This story doesn't seem to have a set plot, nor a direction?!
*Calls it quits*
(-5)
Likes/Dislikes:
-This is autobiographical, which is nice, even admirable in a sense.
-Could have been worse.
-This is too telly. To such an extent, in fact, that none of this immersive. I'm being told a lot of "sad" events happening to a character that I know close to nothing about and I'm expected to care. I'm so tired of this laziness. How many times do I have to say this in EVERY review! What will it take to make y'all actually look at your stories and fix that shit?! Learn to disperse the exposition instead of shoving it up the readers' ass without their consent! I'm beginning to feel like a broken record. "Beginning"--HA! (-2)
-Negative situations don't immediately get your (welp, some people fall for it) readers to care about characters.
-Two-dimensional characters that are basically cardboard cutouts with their two defining characteristics scrawled on the front...with dried boogers on the back. Kill them both! (-3)
-My favorite line of the entire read: "He had valued that alcohol twenty times more than he valued my life." How poetic. Much sad, so tears. What's best about this is that everyone in the comments practically drowns in their own jizz for it, leaving me fending off my own bewilderment and guilt. It's truly a spectacle and amusing to say at least. I almost laughed even. Almost. This is a turd because of the lack of imagination, and inspiration. It looks like the author read some shitty angsty poems, probably some John Green (he's only good for Crash Course, let's be honest), and other top-notch Tom and Jerry levels of drama and came up with this. I have to say that I've read this EXACT line so many times on Wattpad (probably with a different noun or pronoun) that it has become one of those things that should be considered plagiarism. Please stop. (-3)
-No variance in sentence structures. Repetitious to the fucking core.
-The story is confused. So fucking confused that it hurts. It doesn't seem to know how to grapple on exactly what it wants to be, who its character are, and why any of this is happening (besides from shallow reasons).
-Truly hate everything I read. Nothing new is even attempted.
-Good intentions. Less than dull execution.
*Stomach growls*
My Takeaway:
-Okay, bear with me. Although I completely think this book (or what I read of it) is a lifeless dud that can be scrapped for something better if the author is willing to start from scratch again (or, I don't know, revise?), I have seen books with more incompetence than this. The author has the ability to string correlated sentences together, a scene happens with characters doing things, and that's a win?
-Trust me, that is something. I've taken writing class where students have to assess each other's work and the shit I witnessed in these college papers...Yikes.
-Anyway, there's potential for growth and with more experience it'll improve. It's kind of disappointing that I couldn't say anything nice about this book since it is trying to tackle an important issue that affects millions of kids' lives (if I'm going to talk strictly children), but it did fail. In totality. Nothing can really sway me from that conclusion either. As it is now, it's boring and directionless balderdash. Kill it with fire!
*Chuckles*
-Just kidding...
*Stares at audience*
-What? That's the best thing I can say without lying!
Why/When I stopped reading: I stopped reading at the beginning of CHAPTER THREE (however, all of the points ran out somewhere in chapter two)! Why would I do this to myself? Well because I actually wanted to have a somewhat of an assessment of Thayer, and what I got was a dumpster fire but at least I gave it?!
*Drum rolls*
*Stomach barks at me*
*Drives to Subway*
*Stands in the line of Subway*
*Eats sub in my car*
*Burps*
*Goes back inside home to catch up on Outlander*
*Hours pass*
*Remembers that I never posted this* Oops!
A pile of dust and bones yo.
*Stephen Colbert's Donald Trump voice* "Enjoy!"