June 1997
Two months had passed since the incident. Liam was doing better but he was trying his hardest to move on. He goes to nights out and award nights acting like normal Liam. The Liam that gets pissed and high and party's, he acts like he didn't almost die less than two months ago and i think thats whats scaring me the most.
I moved back to london for his sake, I was staying in the spare room now, i was only here to help Liam however on those bad night, the nights that scare me the most, when he wakes up screaming from a nightmare, the nights he pushes me away because he trys to hide his tears. Those are the nights i hold him closest.
He told one night about them, its not flashbacks, its flash forwards. He sees Lennon and Flo grow up without a dad, he sees me and his family living without him and it scares him.
I can tell they scare him but Liam, he wears his heart on his sleeve until he lets you in then he hides himself away and smiles when deep down hes dying inside.
Co existing with Liam was easy, it was natural, he had gotten past the fact i might not ever want us to be together again and I've gotten by the denial that im never going to love him again because i had always loved him.
Mornings were the best, especially after his episodes. I would get up and get the Lennon up for school while Liam got Florance and started on breakfast. Then i would go for a shower, Liam would feed them and get them dressed for the day.
After I'm out the shower he goes for one while im packing Lennons lunch and pottering around, Liam comes out the shower, and does Lennons hair since its a crime for me to do it. Liam will drop lennon off at school while i take Flo to day care.
After many arguments and talk Liam got me a job. I wanted to do it on my own but he insisted he helped out. I was working at a small photography studio just across from Flos Care school.
Liams been doing a lot of shoots there for Be Here Now, the name of there new album. I only work a few days to make sure i have my own cash. I get payed well tho.
"Sally aint you seen me sunglasses?" Liam asked. I looked around but couldn't see then i looked up at him and rolled my eyes.
"Liam there on your head" i pointed out. He felt and then smiled. We both looked at eachother and burst into laughter.
"This is actually madness" he said. Sometimes Liam did that, just strung out words that had no meaning when put together.
"How could you not see them things?" I asked. He shrugged. Pulling them down and putting them on. He had a haircut, i didnt know how i felt about it. He was practically buld. Him and Noel, well, noel was buld and Meg was fumming.
It was little things that made me remember i didnt have the right to these things, not liking his haircut wasn't up to me because we were not together. He was just a friend now. He hadn't acted on it. He doesn't go out like he used to, he doesn't treat me any diffrent but he respects my choice.
Things had been tough, its been hard watching him walk around the house in some sort of daze, but its nice to see him smile again.
"Hay, what are you doing next weekend?" Liam asked, running his hand through his hair. I hesitated a little.
"I dont think im working" i said. Liam nodded.
"We should go out, do something together, as mates i mean" he said. I smiled, we hadn't spent actual time together in ages. I nodded.
"Yeah, yeah that sounds nice" i said. Liam smiled back and then nodded again.
"We could get me mam to watch the kids" he said.
"Or we could go to Manchester for the weekend, we havent seen her in ages" i said.
"If you want its up to you" he said.
"Yeah that will be good. Wecould go do the old pub crawl we used to do with Noel and the band" i said. Refrancing to when we were only kids.
"If your up for it" he said. Then he wondered off to the kitchen, out into the garden. It was summer, so the sun was out and shinning. Liam was chilling out in the garden and had set out a big blow up pool for the kids to play on when they came home. He filled it uo and tgen went back to his chair and just smoked and drank beers since he hated the water. He coukdnt swim.
The doorbell went and i stopped watching Liam so i could do answer it. Ive been doing that a lot since the incident, watching him, thanking whoever decided it wasnt his time yet for him still being here.
"Oh sorry i must have the wrong house" a tall blond said as i opened l, my heart stopped, it was her, the woman that Liam had been with.
"No wait" i said. She stopped and turned tucking her long hair behind her ear.
"Sorry, its... im looking for Liam" she said. I nodded and opened the wider.
"Yeah hes..." i took a second, deciding if i really wanted to tell her that he was in but it wasnt my place to choose that any more. "Hes out the back, in the garden" i said. She smiled and hesitated before coming in.
"Thanks you" she said. I nodded, it was no place for me to decide who he seen now, we had been split up for amost 7 months.
"Could you let him know ive gone to lick up the kids. And make sure he dont drown in the pool" i said smiling. Might as well be friendly because i was so over being angry at her.
"Sure" she smiled as i left closing the door. I knew i wasn't going to pick up the kids. It was only bleedin' one oclock.
###
I decided to go annoy Noel. I knew Meg was at her mums with Anais because she called me before she left.
I walked in, no point in knocking. "Noel where are ya?" I shouted.
"Living room" he shouted back. I walked in to the living room to find Noel spread out over the whole couch, fag in mouth and beer on table.
"Mate what you doing?" I asked smiling at him. He was only in his jeanes and the TV wasnt even on.
"Im trying to cool down in this fuckin heat" he said. "Wheres our kid?" He asked.
"At home with that bird" i said.
"What bird?" Noel asked eyebrows raised.
"Whats her name? The model, the one we broke up over" i said. I never asked Liam her name. I just knew he had a been fucking a model behind my back.
"What? Alice Ryder?" Noel said. I shrugged.
"Never aked her name" i said. Moving his feet and sitting down putting his legs on top of mine.
"So our kid and you are actually over then?" I sighed.
"We have been for ages Noel" i said patting his leg.
"So what now him, his new girfriend, you and the kids living at his place?" Noel asked jokingly.
It madee me think though whats going to happen now. Liam wont let me take the kids out of London and i know i wont be able to make rent for a house here. If Liam gets with some other lass me and the kids will have to find somewhere else to live.
"Hay" noel said shaking me. I snapped out of it and smiled. "Dont worry about it, i was only joking yeah" he said pulling me down for a hug.
"It was me that broke up wirh him and the though of him with someone else makes me sick" I sighed.
"So tell him how you feel then" he said.
"Noel hes just got with another bird how an i ment to say after all this time i still love him? Ill sound like a jelous cow" i said. Hugging into Noel, he always was my safely blanket. Someone who would always be there for me.
"Well then wait for him to fuck it up" Noel shrugged.
"Maybe i should try and move on too" i said.
"Maybe," he agreed.
"I dont get it, he was just asking me to spend the weekend with him and now hes got girls coming over and all that, hes sending mixed signals" i said sighing.
Noel shrugged, he was never someone to hide the truth from me since the last time we fought over this. Hes always been honest with me. If he knew whay Liam was up too he would tell me.
I just wanted to disappear sometimes, sometimes i wish i had never gone to that gig all those years ago, i imagined my life before oasis and it was shit but sometimes it was still less pain than this bullshit.