Chapter neuf -A world of accidents-
Dedicated to cookiemonster252 for having confused eyes just like Sebastian.
I was tired.
I was seriously tired of feeling the way I was. Half of me wanted to slap Sebastian for making me lose my mind like this, but the other half kind of wanted to kiss him. That's why I still avoided him. I was liable to do either one of those stupid things and I didn't want to do them because it only made this situation worse.
And as if I wasn't already confused enough, come Wednesday, ten days after the incident, during my free period I was on my way to the library when someone stepped in front of me.
As if on instinct, my hand shot out to brace myself, and all I met was hard muscle. I gaped, "Oh! Sorry!" This was the most I had said to him in days.
Sebastian looked down at me in mild amusement. "It's okay. Can we talk?" I felt my face flush, thinking about what we were going to have to talk about but I nodded. "Do you know of anywhere private?"
I nodded again, feeling like my words were all gummed up in my throat. I led him to an old classroom that held overflow supplies for art classes. The door stayed propped open and unlocked to circulate air for the kiln that was inside, but it didn't run that often. Today, it was not running, but the air was still chalky and thick. I opened the door and he followed me inside. I flicked on the dim light and glanced at him. In the brief moment I caught his gaze his face looked resigned.
"You didn't have to corner me, you know." I said.
He leaned against the wall. "Maybe. But I need to talk to you." I swallowed at his tone. This wasn't a can we talk? This was a we are going to talk. Like now.
"You could have asked me to talk in public, like a normal person." That was a little bit of a fib. I'd been avoiding him for ten days consecutively, no way I would have even let him say one word to me.
He scoffed. "You've made it so easy for the past week or so, Cameron." At the sound of my name, my cheeks heated.
"I know. I've just been, thinking." I said lamely. That wasn't untrue, I just hadn't come to any conclusions I could understand.
"I get that. I've been doing my own thinking too." He paused. "I don't know if you know this, but I really like you. And I have for a while now. I wasn't planning on telling you but then, you kissed me. I get that you weren't yourself because you had been drinking, but I just want to be honest..." He trailed off, looking me straight in the eye. "I just want to know if you're even considering me. Or if I should move on and act like this didn't happen."
"Sebastian," I said quietly because I didn't know what else to say. He just watched me ever so patiently as I struggled to find the words to say.
When it was obvious I had the brainpower of a fish, he said, "This is not to pressure you, but I need you to know I don't do 'experimenting' I've done it before and it doesn't end well." He crossed his arms across his chest, and his biceps bulged. I found myself absently counting the veins in his arms to distract myself.
Finally I said, "This isn't fair."
He looked surprised. "What?"
I felt my confidence grow at his expression. As did a small twinge of anger. "It isn't. My entire life I have been straight and let's say, hypothetically I'm not. You're now asking me to what? Be with you? When I have a homophobic mother and her boyfriend? I can't do that. I can't." His brows were furrowed, but he didn't stop me. "But I now I also can't not think about this. I can't bring myself to not talk to you or ignore you. It's not fair that you're doing this to me." I hadn't realized that I had gotten so close to him until I jabbed my finger into his chest.
"I'm sorry. You're right," He said softly. "But I don't know what to do." In the dim light his eyes were golden. They flickered down to meet mine. He slowly reached up and wrapped his hand around my finger, then pulled it down. The sensation sent sparks along my skin. "It wouldn't make things any better if I kissed you, right?" My eyes drifted down to his lips on their own accord. I liked his lips, they were a dark shade of pink, nearly red. Perfectly kissable, I thought with a jolt.
I shook my head feeling my stomach prickle with heat. "No, if anything it'd probably make things worse..." I put my hand on his bicep, the one where I had been counting. "But I want you —"
Before the words were fully out, he leaned down swiftly to meet my lips. My brain melted to mush as he kissed me deeply. I could feel the goosebumps on his skin as my hands roamed his arms. He was so warm, and solid I just wanted to be closer to him.
He cradled me like glass, gentle yet firm. A small, tiny part of my brain knew that this was totally irrational. What were doing right now made no sense. If anything, it was just adding to the mounting confusion. I think Sebastian knew that too. But like me, as of the current moment, he could care less.
His lips moved from mine, and kissed the delicate skin of my neck. I couldn't help it, I let out a quiet moan against his lips against his touch. Every movement elicited fire against my skin, I had never ever been kissed like this and I never wanted it to stop. I wanted to keep getting closer so I could stoke the flames.
A sudden image flashed through my mind. My mother.
I abruptly pulled back, startled by that thought. Well more than startled, more like disturbed. Sebastian gazed at me confused. "It was just a lot," I said, shaking my head to clear it. "I don't think we should do this." His arms immediately released me, and I tried not to look directly at him as straightened my clothes. I already knew what his expression was, but I had bigger consequences to worry about.
I tried to keep that in mind as I slipped out of the room, trying to look as non-post-makeout as possible. It didn't mean I felt any better though. He was probably just as confused as I was if not more so. I had been giving out tons of mixed signals.
I did have some things figured out though. For one thing, I knew I was either gay or bisexual. That much was nearly certain. It was that, or I just had the hots for Sebastian, not that this would make my life any easier.
I groaned as the bell rang. I was running in circles with him. Why couldn't this be more simple?
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A few days during my free period. Sebastian had mentioned studying in the library after lunch, and I thought it sounded like a good idea. It wasn't exactly a direct invitation so much as an open invite to the table. We had not spoken about our last kiss, and we kept our conversations strictly homework or school related. I made sure to not bring Dannie with me because last time I brought her I got nothing done. So I went alone to meet up with him. While I searched through the stacks of books, I heard voices. In the library, there were a few couches sprinkled between the stacks. I peeked behind one of the shelves and saw Sebastian sitting with Naomi.
Maybe 'sitting with' was too loose of a term. It was more like she was sitting on him. She had her legs in his lap and and her lips to his ear. He was smiling.
What the heck?
They were a few feet away so I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I could just see her whispering things in his ear and him laughing. I guess she finally caught up to him and asked him out or whatever it was she wanted from him. If I saw this a few days ago, I might not be questioning this, him and Naomi acting flirty together because it had happened before. Plus, this was high school, relationships came and went left and right.
But not now. Not with what we had been doing a few days ago. He was gay. What the heck was he doing with her?
I watched them for a few more moments before I realized that really, Sebastian could do whatever the heck he wanted. He had no obligation to me whatsoever. I was being irrational and silly.
I found the book I needed and found a couch as far away from them as possible. Though while I was reading I couldn't focus. I found myself reading the same paragraph for five minutes. Naomi and Sebastian's laughter kept distracting me. I needed to study but I couldn't concentrate on the material. After about ten minutes I decided to just leave. I wasn't going to get anything done if I stayed here so I packed up my books and my stuff.
I grabbed my stuff and as I was moving through the shelves and I hear, "Hey, isn't that your friend, Sebastian?"
"Yeah it is, I'll be back in a few minutes."
Once I heard that I sped up and started walking faster towards the doors. Once I was out of the library I ran down the hallway, ignoring the sounds of Sebastian calling after me. I wasn't completely sure of why I was running from him. It came in a short burst, the animalistic need to get away. To just run. I just didn't want to be alone with him because I was slowly developing a track record of letting stupid things happen when I around him. I was weak, and it would be cruel to kiss him again when I wasn't sure what I wanted from him. Or what I could give him.
This had never happened to me in my entire eighteen years of living. Never, not once did a girl make me feel even remotely close to what I felt when I was kissing him. I had a few girlfriends throughout middle school and high school but it was never anything serious. My longest relationship lasted four months. The girl broke up with me to date some guy in college. This may sound strange, but I forgave her in less than two hours and we stayed friends.bSo yeah, dating girls was an endeavor I had failed in. But that didn't mean I was going to start dating guys.
"Cameron!"
I stumbled over to the tree so I could lean on it's trunk for support. Due my lack of athleticism, I tired out quickly. Meaning the short run from the library to the side of the school had me panting and clutching a stitch in my side.
"Cameron." I slid down the trunk at sat the base of the tree, my legs splayed out over the roots. I kept my eyes focused on the roots and I could see his shoes stepping closer. I watched them come closer until they were right in front of me and I was forced to look up. He didn't say anything, he just searched me with his bluish-green eyes. After a moment or two, he sat down beside me. "It's a nice day today."
"Yup." I said breathlessly. He was looking at something in the distance. His eyelashes were a dusky blond. It was a strange thing to notice, but the sunlight was bringing the color out and I couldn't help but see it.
"You don't have to run away from me, Cam." He said quietly without looking at me. "You said no and that's okay. I've moved on."
"So fast? And you told me you're gay." This time he did turn to me.
"You said no, what do you want me to do? I'm not dating Naomi. She's covering for me." He sucked in his bottom lip and his top lip rested over it. He pushed it back out. "I'm dating Peter." He got up and brushed the dirt off his pants. He gave me one last glance before walking back towards the front of the school.
He left me feeling like a bigger idiot than I already was.
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knock knock.
I looked up from the textbook I was reading through and looked at my door. "Yeah?"
Keith stuck his head into my room. "Your mom's calling you." I nodded and put my book away. I slid off the edge of my bed and walked out of my room.
"Mom?" I called as I ran down the stairs. "Mom?" I poked my head into the kitchen and she wasn't in there. I checked the living room and she wasn't there either. While I was en route to look to see if she was in my room, I bumped into her. I gave have a hesitant smile. She didn't return it. Instead she held up a pair of black pants. They were the ones I had worn to Naomi's party a few weeks ago. "What?"
"First of all, do not address me with 'what'. I'm your mother, the person who gave birth to you, in case you forgot. Secondly, what the hell is this?" She dipped her hand in the back pocket and pulled out...
"It's a...condom." For a moment she just stared at me, her blue eyes narrowed. Then she dropped the pants to the floor and held only the condom in her hand.
"While this," She waved the condom in my face, making me instinctively flinch. "May make you think that you won't get an STD or conceive a child, there's still a possibility. The condom could break or it could be as simple as taking a needle and creating a hole, then bam. You're eighteen, you have a child you don't want and you're stuck with the task of raising a baby with someone who's as inexperienced as you are." I shifted uncomfortably as she stared me down.
"Mom, I didn't use it or anything." I muttered.
"So? You succumbed to temptation by buying this." I mentally cursed Dannie. It would figure something like this would happen. Really, I should've known better than to keep it in my pocket. I watched and tried to look scolded as she went on and on about the consequences of having sex too early in life as if I didn't already know them. Finally she led up to her main point of her speech: "...you will go to hell and burn for eternities upon eternities." I hung my head remorsefully.
When she was done telling me about the error of my ways and how much of a sinner I might become if I continued to listen to Satan, she tore the condom open and went into kitchen. I trailed after her to see what she was doing. She took the shears from the knife block and snipped the condom in half, then quarters, eights, and even smaller until it was just tiny flakes of latex. Then she calmly scooped up the shreds of the condom and held them in front of me. "Don't let me find one of these again."
With that said, she dumped the remains in the trash and strode out of the kitchen, her heels angrily tapping against the tiles as she left.
And this folks, is why you don't leave condoms in your jeans for your devout mother to find.
I decided to go upstairs and hang out in there until she cooled down. She wasn't going to want to talk to me for a while, I could tell. Even though there was no girl and I wasn't planning on doing anything that night, I could tell that I touched a nerve with the condom. After years of listening to her, I picked up hints and accidental statements that led me to believe I may have been an accident.
Yeah, an accident. Like, 'the condom broke' kind of accident or 'one hot night in Cancun'. Probably over half the world was composed of 'accidents' but it didn't have a nice ring to it like 'planned' did. In the scheme of things it wasn't a big deal but I could see why she was so mad about finding the condom. This was one of those moments when I felt like she was just a stranger to me. After watching my fellow brethren fling themselves at girls, in the eighth grade I made myself a promise that I wouldn't have sex until I was either in love or married. Preferably the latter because the teenage mind has a crazy way of making a person believe they're in love.
Luke thought my promise was 'girly' and 'stupid'. But I didn't. While there were some practices the church advised I would never agree with, abstinence was something I would apply for as long as necessary.
What my mom didn't understand, was that the chances of me getting anybody pregnant or even engaging something remotely sexual -- besides kissing-- was zero. Zilch. Nada.
With the way things were going now, it was starting to look like I might not even have to worry about knocking someone up...
I leaned against my headboard and took a shaky breath. I was slowly coming to the realization that I told him no because I was scared. Very, very scared.
I was scared of what my friends would say, scared of what people would think of me, scared of ending up like Peter, scared of just all of it, scared of being gay. But my ultimate fear, the one that topped all of them had to be my mother. She would be a lot of things when (if) I told her. She would be disappointed, for one. She had always gone on and on about how she wanted grandkids and every time I got a girlfriend she was ecstatic.
She would be angry too. I would probably be yelled at so hard my ears would drop off. I hated when she yelled at me, but I could probably tune most of it out.
But the disgust... I didn't know if I could handle that. I had heard her and Keith talk about gay people before. I usually just left the room if I could. I wouldn't sit there and be a part of that. I somehow always managed to see the expression on her face though. The way her lip curled upward and her blue eyes filled with contempt. It would make me feel horrible to be looked at like that. I would just wither and die.
Besides all the social rebuke, how would I even get with Sebastian? He asked me if I wanted to date him, I said no, and he moved on like a sensible person. I couldn't come back and say I wanted him now, even though I was realizing I really did want him.
This was all just turning into 'a big ball of string' as Luke would say with his trigonometry homework. It seemed the more I tried to unravel Sebastian and I, the more tangled we became.
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I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've spent so much time working on this. It's been weeks, you can throw tomatoes at me or shoes or... I don't know, pie? Whatever.
Hopefully the next chapter should be ready a week or to from now. While I take a while to update, I will update.
Kay, well my phone battery is on 2% so, ily, bye.
~Snickers.