Twenty Seven
The first thing I did when I woke up the next morning was go straight to Sophia’s. I needed to tell her the news before we shot the announcement footage; I didn’t want her to find out without being directly told so. It wouldn’t have been fair to her.
She gave me a quick kiss when I came in, but noticed right away that I was anxious. I decided to just get it over with and tell her. Sophia was incredibly calm about it the whole way through. Almost too calm. “Good for you,” she said in a monotonous voice.
“…Did I do something wrong?” I asked, confused by her reaction.
Her arms were crossed in across her chest and she avoided eye contact. “No, I said good job,” she replied, more irritated this time.
I didn’t know how to respond to her abrupt and confusing reaction to the news. I either thought she would be really happy or really upset by it, but she seemed to be somewhere in between the two. “Are you sure? You’re acting really strange.”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” she muttered, her arms crossed around her chest. I gave her a disapproving look. “This will be good for you,” she assured me.
“What do you mean ‘good for me’?” I asked. Sophia shrugged, and I was annoyed. I turned and made my way for the door, not wanting to put up with a fight today. My anger got the best of me, though, and I swiveled around to face her again. Sophia flinched at my sudden action and I felt the slightest twinge of regret inside me. The regret was quickly recovered with anger, and I said, “Sophia, what the hell is going on here?”
Sophia crossed her arms across her chest, eyes downcast. “What do you mean?” she asked in a small voice.
“What the hell are we doing?!” I yelled, overcome with anger. “One minute we’re kissing and the next you’re telling me that I should leave you for two months because that will be ‘good for me’?! That’s bullshit, Sophia, and you know it!”
Sophia still wouldn’t look at me. “We’re not…” she trailed off, knowing I would be able to finish her sentence for myself.
“Don’t you dare say that we’re not together, Sophia. Because if we aren’t together, we sure as hell aren’t friends either,” I said in a low voice.
Sophia’s head snapped up at that, her eyes wide and just as angry as mine probably were. “What’s that supposed to mean?” she tried to say, but it came out in barely a whisper.
“It means that people who are just friends don’t hold hands and spend the night together and kiss eachother! If we’re not together, then what are we?!” Sophia must have thought my question was rhetorical, because she didn’t answer. That, or she really didn’t know. “What are we doing, Sophia?” I tried again.
She hesitated, seeming to curl into herself in hiding. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that…” she trailed off again, biting her lip. My heart caved in inside my chest, leaving an empty, dizzying feeling inside me. The words rang out in my head as I grasped their meaning.
I sighed and seemed to deflate in defeat. “Alright, Sophia,” I said slowly, angry. I turned to go to the door again.
My hand stopped on the doorknob when she said, “Niall…” My head rested on the door, waiting for her to say what she had to say before I left. She seemed at a loss for words. “I’m sorry,” was all she could get out.
I just stood back up, shaking my head to myself. “I have to go to work now,” I opened the door. “You can come let me know when you’re ready for me, I’ll be waiting.” I stepped outside her flat. I finally turned and faced her. Her eyes were as big as the moon as she waited for me to say what I was about to say. “I’ve waited for you before, I can do it again.”
I didn’t even wait for an answer. With that, I shut the door and stalked off to work, leaving her alone in her flat.
How could she say that to me? I spent the past year just trying to get her to love me the way I did her, and I thought she finally did. I saved her from a life threatening situation, when I was supposed to hate her. After I was supposed to never see her again, and I risked everything and went back to her. I stayed with her. I waited for her. She kissed me, I kissed her. I played her her song, she cried. I made her happy again. We’d spent every single day together. I made her laugh and smile again. And she says she’s not ready to be with me? If she wasn’t ready, she shouldn’t have played with my emotions the way she did. It wasn’t fair. Was it wrong to assume that she was beginning to have similar feelings for me?
As a result of our argument, I got to the studio twenty minutes late. The producers had already set up all the recording equipment, and the other four boys were lounging around and eating, talking aimlessly to each other. It looked like everyone was waiting for me. I apologized to everyone for being late, and we were quickly swept up by the producers. We were sat on a couch in a very normal looking set, waiting for our cue to start when Liam asked, “How did Sophia take it? Was she happy for you?”
The camera started rolling, then, so I just turned to face it, shaking my head ‘no’ for Liam and attempting to conceal my hurt, if even for just a little while. The fans would have been disappointed if I wasn’t enthusiastic in this video.
The recording only took about a half hour, but it felt like half a day. I just wanted to leave. As I was gathering my things and heading for the door, Liam caught up to me. “Let’s go out,” he said, not a question.
___________
“That’s awful,” Liam said. He sat across from me at an outdoor restaurant, an empty plate in front of him and a full one in front of myself. I’d told him the brief story of what had happened with Sophia this morning. He listened, nodding and making disapproving noises at the right places. “I’m really sorry, man.” His eyes looked sad.
I toyed with the straw in my untouched drink, avoiding his eye contact. “What am I supposed to do?” I asked. “I’ve spent all this time pining after her, trying so hard to get her to feel the same way for me. And when I finally think she cares, she tells me she’s not ready?” I sighed. “How could she be so selfish?”
Liam paused, gathering his words. He spoke carefully. “Well, do you really think the way she’s acting is selfish?”
“How could it not be?” I replied angrily. I wanted him to agree with me. I wanted to be right.
His expression softened. “Have you thought about her at all Niall? Think about the last close relationship she was in. She must be struggling a lot, not only with trust, but with herself, too,” I looked down, embarrassed that I hadn’t considered that. “She obviously really cares about you.”
“But if she cares about me so much then why would she tell me she’s not ready? Why would she act like we were together when it’s not what she wants?”
“Just give her a little time,” Liam smiled a little, trying to cheer me up. “You could always try to apologize…”
“I have nothing to apologize for,” I replied immediately.
Liam sighed. He didn’t agree, I knew it. All he said was, “You should just do what you think is the best decision. Just remember that whatever you do could make or break whatever your relationship with Sophia is.”
I thought about what Liam had said. Even though I didn’t want to admit it, I knew he was right. He always was. We started talking about the tour, then. Liam did most of the talking, though. All I could think about is what would happen if I didn’t fix things with Sophia before we left on tour. We only had a few weeks. What if I left before everything was fixed? The plate of food in front of me suddenly seemed revolting. I pushed it away a little, attempting to ease my stomach.
Liam eyed my untouched food. “Aren’t you going to eat?”
I shook my head. “I’m not hungry.”
“You’re always hungry.”
I got up from the table. “Not today,” I said. “I have to go.” I threw a few bills on the table to cover for the food I hadn’t eaten and turned to leave.
Liam stopped me for a hug. “Don’t worry about it, mate. You guys always pull through these kind of things.”
I nodded and headed home, choosing to walk so I could clear my head along the way. I wanted Liam to be right. But what if this was one time to many? What if I really wasn’t what Sophia needed? The thought killed me.
Even though it took me so long to come to terms with it, Sophia’s what I’ve always needed. All my life, she was everything. She was now, too, just a different kind of everything. Her sheer beauty, no matter her dress or time of day. Whether her makeup had melted off her face from a long day or she’d left it on the shelf for the day. It was always present. Her laugh that could break up storm clouds. That million dollar smile that can make flowers bloom. Her frail bones that just barely held her together. Her icy hands that even her warm personality couldn’t heat up. The way her delicate framework fit so flawlessly with mine. The way that she was the only thing that could ever bring me back around from a bad day. The way she would run into my arms like a scared child when she’d had a bad one herself. The way our occasional silence was another way of communication for us. Our hands, our eyes did the talking. Her soft hair that tickled my chin when she’d fallen asleep on my shoulder, rising and falling in heavy, calm breaths. Everything about her is what I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
I literally can’t live without her. Sophia is her own world, and she’s the only world I want to live in. The only one I want to explore. The only one that I wanted to know. As much as I already thought I knew it, I realized today that I still had so much to learn.
I also realized today that there’s so much that I wanted to learn.
I realized that this can’t be the end for us. There can’t be an end at all. Not ever.