Sixteen
It’s been a two months since I’ve talked to or seen Sophia. Two whole months. I thought that by never seeing her again, I would forget about her and the feelings I had for her would go away. I guess that’s not how love works.
She’s the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep. The boys have trained themselves not to use her name anymore, because at times it evokes so much emotion in me that I have to leave the room or go for a walk. I can’t carry on a normal conversation without my mind wandering to her. Everything reminds me of her. Even little things, like rain or sun or fresh air, gross food and good food, going to sleep and staying up late, not sleeping at all. Everything reminds me of her, and so everything hurts.
The boys have tried to talk to me about it. I can’t talk about it. I literally can’t. They won’t stop worrying about me, trying to get me to go out. I can’t bring myself to do it. This has brought me to spend excessive amounts of time on my own. I mostly sleep or watch movies or do anything that can keep my mind away from thoughts of Sophia. I’ve nearly perfected ‘Lua’ which I suppose doesn’t help as it brings back such a strong memory of Sophia.
On and off since I left her flat that night, Sophia has tried calling and texting me, many times. It started off with simple “hey’s” and when I didn’t respond, I got texts like “are you okay?” and “it’s been a while, hope you’re well.” I have a lot of voicemails from Sophia. I can’t listen to those.
After she realized she wasn’t going to get a hold of me, she started asking the boys. I’d be sitting on the couch with Zayn or Liam and their phone would vibrate. They would ask me why Sophia was telling them that I needed to call her. Soon, all the boys knew I wasn’t going to. Sometimes I would walk past Harry’s room and hear him talking quietly into the phone, “Yeah, I don’t know if that’s a good idea. No.. it’s not your fault, I know it. I’m sorry, love.” Once, I overhead Louis on the phone “I know… Maybe you should talk to Danielle or Eleanor, have a girl’s night out.” I knew it wasn’t right to have the boys handle my mess. I was weak for letting them do it, though.
I felt awful that I couldn’t man up and face her myself, but I felt like it would just make it harder. Seeing her face as I officially broke her heart, telling her I couldn’t be her friend anymore. Imagining her pleading for a reason why. It was selfish, but I didn’t know what else to do.
The weather was changing now, too. It was early March, and spring was coming quickly. This was Sophia’s favorite time of year. She liked the grass and the flowers and the trees in bloom. The fresh air and the sun. I didn’t even go outside lately. I kept my blinds closed, knowing that going outside would remind me of her.
On March third, Liam and I sat together on the couch in silence, watching TV. There was a light tap on the door. I looked over at Liam, expecting him to get the door. He sighed and got up off the couch.
He walked to the door and I kept watching TV. There was quiet talking at the doorway, and I supposed it was a package or something like that. I heard Liam say, “Yeah, just a minute.”
He walked back into the living room and said, “Niall. You need to go to the door.” I couldn’t read his expression.
I walked over to the door, and opened it up. Sophia stood there, and she smiled weakly when she saw me.
