"Stop being afraid about what could go wrong and start being positive about what could go right."
___________
"Zayd what are you doing?" I asked him when he wouldn't stop. He kept walking without answering me. It was almost dark now. Everyone else had left and the waves were now coming up to my back.
"Zayd!" I snatched my hand away from him. He started laughing. "What did you think I was going to do?" he said. I stared at him in disbelief. He was seriously laughing when we could've actually drowned.
"Let's settle this my way.. back at the hut", I said as I started walking back to the shore. "Where are you going?" I heard him shout from behind. I kept walking and didn't look at him until I reached the end. He struggled walking back since the waves were heavier than him, but Alhumdulillah made it.
"What is your way of handling stuff?" Zayd asked as slicked his hair back with his hands. Him and I were dripping wet and I did not like getting my clothes wet. I just wanted to go and get a nice shower and go to sleep. It had been an exhausting day and we were going to back to New York in two days; so we might as well start packing up. I didn't want to leave; I was having a perfect time here. Because who knew what "perfect timings" were waiting for me back at my home.
"I ignore stuff", I said with a smile. He stared at me. "What?"
"Ugh.. forget it. By the way, what were you going to do over there? You didn't have any plans to-
"Drown you?" Zayd finished my sentence for me. I stared at him as he paused for a minute. "I wasn't going to drown you." His face suddenly changed from a smile to serious and I knew he was going to say something inspirational. I imagined him raising his hands and giving a pep-talk about how I should be patient and not worry about anything. I could bet he was a khateeb in his olden days; but I wasn't exactly sure.
"I just wanted to get your mind off of whatever you were thinking about", he said with a grin. I stood still. "You just nearly floated me away in the water just so you could get me thinking about something else?" I repeated. He nodded. "Yup."
"Wow", I said. "You're deep."
"Was that supposed to relate to these waves?" he asked. I laughed. "That was even deeper", I told him as I started walking back to the huts. All the other huts had lightened up. Some people were getting their Bar-B-Que grills out while some were coming back for another round on the beach. All I wanted to do was sleep. But I knew this wasn't possible since Zayd wouldn't let me.
"You know, you're walking a lot faster for someone who's tired", Zayd said as he caught up to me. I laughed. "How do you know I'm tired?" I asked. I didn't tell him I was sleepy or tired. I never told anyone what I was feeling; I found it rude and displeasing. Why do it to others when you don't like it for yourself?
"I can read that in your eyes", he said as his smile returned. I laughed again. I guess I was very happy and relieved since I had laughed so much in one day.
"You can read people's eyes?" I asked as I focused on making some footprints on the mud. I wasn't looking at his expressions but I knew he was smiling. Would he ever quit smiling? Nahh.. I liked it.
"Not everyone's. But yours, I definitely can. I feel happy with you", he said without a smile or any kind of expression. He wasn't even looking at me. He had his head down and kept walking. It took a moment for me to realize what he had just said. He felt happy with me. I made him happy. I never thought I would hear this from anybody's mouth. I didn't think people would think I'm this special. In fact, I, myself, haven't thought of me as someone special. I always took myself as the ordinary girl, with a troubled past and most probably future. Zayd said I made him happy definitely meant that I meant more than just a wife to him. I meant a friend to him; his happiness. He was happy with my company. Ever since I heard those few words of grudge from dad's mouth, I wanted someone to tell me that I'm not worthless. And that I am special. And that I shouldn't be crying over what my dad said. Because i'm unique and my dad's words shouldn't bother me. Up till now, all I wanted was someone to tell me that they can't live without me. That i'm their source of happiness. And no one other than husband fulfilled this wish. Allah really had given me a beautiful gift and I could never be grateful enough for this gift.
"I do too", I replied with a simple tone. He looked at me and took my hand in his'. "I know that", he said staring right into my eyes. I stared back at him. I didn't want to look away. My view was so beautiful right now and knowing that this view was mine, I felt a gush of 'proud' run inside me. But as his gaze got intense, I somehow blushed and looked down. Zayd laughed.
"...And here we go again", he said as he laughed. I looked up at him and playfully punched him on his arm. "I think that's enough beach for today", I said, laughing, as I started walking again. Zayd caught up to me again and playfully kept elbowing me throughout the walk. If anybody was watching from a distance, he would definitely assume we were fighting. But only someone close would understand that we were actually playing. Just like friends do. I never thought I would ever find someone who would be my friend and who would actually play with me. Who would steal my stuff only to have me beg to get it back - just like bestfriends do.
After marriage, a lot of my thoughts changed. I realized that marriage wasn't always about cooking or taking care of your kids. It was also about having someone who would accept you with your flaws. It was about getting to know your significant other better than before and putting their needs before yours. It was about getting to spend time with your husband or wife; and most importantly, it was about love. It was about finding the right love, and I just now realized, I found my perfect love.
After getting back to our little 'suite', I showered and changed into soft and dry clothes. We had our dinner and then went straight to bed. Tomorrow we had plans to explore Florida a bit more and go to Disneyworld and Universal studios. I was excited since I had never been to Disneyland and neither did Zayd. I was having a great time here at the clear blue water but every now and then, I felt sick thinking about what Maryan might do. Whatever she was going to do, I hoped that it was all for the best.
-- 3 days later --
Zayd and I sat in the airport lounge and watched as the planes landed and took off. We were going back to New York today. Even though Zayd looked excited, I was scared. Maryan had 3 weeks to have pulled off anything and if she really did have any intentions to do such thing, she would have done it by now. Although I hoped she didn't, I still had a feeling she did. Maybe a lot of people hated me already back at New York. As much as I tried to stop thinking about that, It came back to me all over again.
____
2 and half hours later we were back in New York and were getting our luggage checked. As we walked outside, I saw Zayd's family waving at us from a distance. I looked behind them but my family wasn't there. They hadn't come to recieve me. But I shrugged that thought off and greeted everyone. I was happy and surprised at the fact that Maryan still hadn't striked. Zayd's family was still happy, without any suspicions. I guess she wanted to get Zayd in the circle too..? I had no idea what was coming way in the next few days.
I was so happy to finally see my room after a whole month. I placed the bags in the closet because I didn't have energy to empty them right now. Zayd fell on the bed and lay there still for more than 5 minutes. I, too, sat down on the couch and refreshed myself with the cold A.C. air. Dinner was in 2 hours, and I couldn't wait. I was starving. I bet Zayd was too but he wasn't saying anything.
"You're not dead, are you?" I mocked as I shook him. He looked at me with a playful look. "What would you do if I was?" he asked. I stared at him with squinted eyes.
"I don't know. Let's just stop talking about death, ok?" I said, horrified that I brought it up. He sat up. "Well you started talking about it", he said, as he stared at me. I nodded. "I know but I feel sick just thinking about it", I said. "Just like right now... I feel like i'm going to throw up."
"Are you ok?" he asked with a concerned look. I shook my head. "I don't think so."
I sat down on the couch, caressing my arm because of the cold that was now taking over me. I suddenly felt like I was going to go and meet my Lord today. I was shivering and at the same time, I felt like I was going to hurl out all the airplane food. It was all happening so fast, that I wasn't even able to speak and tell Zayd what was happening; who was sitting beside me, constantly asking me about what was happening. I shook my head as to tell him I wasn't ok and very carefully stood up and walked up to the bed.
Before laying down and trying to sleep, I managed to speak. "I think i'll be fine if I get some sleep", I said slowly. I think all the traveling and the airplane rides were finally affecting me.
___
"Mama and I have a news for you", Zayna said at the dinner table. Zayd and I looked at each other and then at her. "What news?" Zayd asked as he took a bite of the chicken leg.
"Zakariyyah is coming in a week", she said. Zakariyyah was Zayd's younger brother. He was only in his junior college year but his parents decided to send him to Brighton, England for studies. We were going to visit him while we were there but turned out, we were too busy and so was he. And besides, it wasn't very easy to drive to Brighton from London. It was almost a 2-hour drive and we didn't really have a car in England.
"He is? Why?" Zayd asked, suddenly putting down his food. Zaynah stared at him suspiciously. "Why?" she repeated. Zayd pressed his lips together and looked down, pretending to be embarrassed. "That came out so wrong", he spoke in a low voice. Everyone laughed.
"It sure did, little brother", Zaynah said in between her laugh. "He's coming for the summer."
"And he's really excited to meet you Hamna", she said turning to me. I smiled. "I am too", I replied.
I didn't find Maryan or Dylan around. I started having thoughts that maybe they both had left.
Oh please someone tell me they left!
"Where are Maryan and Dylan?" Zayd asked as if he read my mind. Zaynah swallowed down her food. "Dylan left for Jeddah about 2 weeks ago. And Maryan left for her friend's house 2 days ago. She's going back to New Jersey in a week", she replied. I perked up when I heard that. She had left? Maybe my prayer was answered after all. A automatic sigh of relief escaped my lips as I continued my food. My Umrah was accepted; my prayer was granted and I could finally live without any worries or sorrows. What I always wanted was finally happening and I owed it all to Arl-Rahman, the creator. Zayd looked at me when Zaynah said that and we both smiled at each other. It was in that moment I realized, that all this time Zayd also wanted them to leave. He was great at hiding expressions and wishes, while I failed at doing so. But who cares? Success was finally knocking on my door. And I wasn't going to delay any longer into letting it in.
After cleaning up the kitchen and dining table with Zaynah, I was coming back to my room, when I saw Maryan's room door open. I looked in all directions to see if anyone was there; and then stepped inside her room. There was a single bed placed in the corner of the room, a small, empty dressing table and a spinning leather chair. The whole room was empty and there was nothing in there. I walked a little further and opened the dressing table drawers. I found nothing but a few old photographs of Dylan and Maryan. They both were standing in front of the christmas tree in Disneyland. Beside them, stood their parents apparently. I scanned the picture for a while before putting it back in the drawer. I opened the other drawers but I found nothing else. The dressing table was covered in layers of dust like no one had ever touched it before. I rubbed a finger on its dusty surface, and my finger was covered in dust now. I flicked my hands against each other and made my way towards the closet. I opened it and was met by a smell I couldn't even identify. I placed a hand on my face and walked in, turning the light on. The closet, too, was dusty but in all the dust, I noticed a small black bag right beneath the cement shelf. I picked it up and placed it in front of me. I rubbed the dust off of it and opened the big zipper. In it, were several envelopes and folded papers. I took one out and unfolded it. Someone had sent Maryan a letter and it was none other than Joshua. I started reading it. It was a long letter but I was determined to read it all before going back up in my room.
Maryan,
I don't know if you'll get this letter or not, but if you do, I have some good news for you. I'm going to out of this darn jail in less than a week. I have a lot of missions to accomplish once I get out. First, I'm going to get your brother for deceiving me so much. I know you might not like this but I will have to; this is going to be better for both of us. Second, What about that Hamna girl? I know you met her at your aunt's house but did you do anything I said? What about the juice and the medicine? If that didn't work, let me know. I have a lot of other ideas. Here's what you need to do: A week before she's returning from her honeymoon with her husband, come by at my house. I'll be out by then. We can work out a lot of stuff when we'll sit together. Tell Dylan to come too and if he doesn't agree, force him to come with you. He and I have a lot of unfinished business to take care of. I will write you again in a week if I'm not out. If I am, I'll give you a call. And don't worry Maryan darling, Joshua is back in business.
I put the paper down as tears welled up in my eyes. They all were still after me. What was I going to do? I folded the paper once again and put it in the bag. I then took out another folded paper and unfolded it. This one was sent a month after my wedding. I started reading this one too.
I don't have any more hope. They have sentenced me for another 1 year. I might never get to see you. I read about Hamna; you know what to do now. First, try the juice technique and if that doesn't work, dry giving her the liquid medicine. But you'll be able to do this only if you assure her that you have no bad intentions anymore. Whatever you do, don't let her become a mother. Or you won't be successful in your future plans. I hope you do as I said. I will write to you again in a month. Until then, good luck!
I wiped my tears again as I put the paper inside the bag. There were so many papers and enveloped lined up in there, that it would take me two whole hours to finish reading them all. I pulled out another paper and started reading it. This was from Maryan and apparently she was going to send it to Joshua but couldn't.
Dylan is one of them now and wouldn't listen to anything that I said. He's even telling me to stop but I won't stop. Don't worry, your favorite client won't let you down. I couldn't try the medicine or the juice technique, but the third one you suggested is something that can be tested. And don't worry, as long as I'm here, she will never become a mother. Her and her husband are living a wonderful life and I can't wait until she falls on the ground again. Only a week until they return, and don't you worry, I have got it all under control. Lets just say, you'll be very proud of me.
I folded the paper once again and tried finding the letter Joshua had sent before she wrote this one. I wanted to know the third technique he had suggested. But after looking for 5 whole minutes, I didn't find it anywhere and I also gave up. I sighed and put all the letters back in the bag.
I zipped the bag once again and put it back under the shelf. I tried to be calm and normal again. I was scared more than I was before. What medicine technique did they both have in mind? Maryan left but she's still up to something. I didn't know what else to do. I had done all that I could and now it was all out of my control. I couldn't do anything but pray. This was the only sensible thing I could think of. I turned the light off and closed the closet door.
As I opened the room door, I saw Zaynah standing right in front of it, talking to someone on the phone. She had just hung up when I opened the door and then she immediately saw me. "Hamna?" she said with a surprised look stamped on her face. "What were you doing in there?"
I gulped. Oh boy.
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