L E O N I E
For the last month, Heath and I have been doing all sorts of stuff on all sorts of surfaces in my apartment. He spends most of his time here if we hang out. We've gone to Jade's once or twice. Including the Halloween party that I went to dressed as Betty Cooper from Riverdale.
Everyone thought it was quite amusing to see me with a high neckline and a pleated skirt on. The loafers were comfortable though. And the ponytail looked cute. Heath came as a doctor. It was the easiest costume, so he said. He borrowed some scrubs from the hospital and stole his mom's stethoscope for the night.
I had to admit, he looked hella good in his doctor gear. The scrubs fit him like a glove and the sleeves sat tight around his biceps. I spent the entire night all over him and it had nothing to do with the looks that he was getting from other girls. Nothing at all.
But it had been a week since Halloween and I hadn't talked to him much at all. And I knew that on some level of subconscious, I was retracting on purpose. Because today, the sixth of November, was Benny's birthday. And as per our new tradition, the squad had plans to go and spend some time at his burial plot.
I hadn't told Heath. I didn't know what to tell him. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want him to feel weird that I was grieving a past relationship. I had every right to grieve. But I didn't want to hurt Heath's feelings.
I also knew that it wouldn't hurt his feelings. He was more mature than that. So I had no logical reason to keep it from him. But I did. And in the morning, when Bray sent me a text to let me know that the squad was downstairs waiting for me, I read his text message one last time and closed it.
Hey. You okay? Haven't talked in a while. Miss you. Let me know if you want to do something tonight x
It was a beautiful morning. A little cooler now that we were in November. But Miami was never cold, cold. The six of us sat on the grass in front of a headstone that read,
Benny Lancaster.
Beloved son, brother, partner and MMA champion. Sorely missed, never forgotten and loved eternally.
Benny's mom, dad and sister's grave read similar messages. On our drive here we'd picked up four bouquets and laid them on each one. We'd brought food with us to have an early dinner. And for an hour, we sat and talked. We talked about the past. We talked about the present. We filled him in on our milestones and the best part was all the laughing that we'd done.
Alex, ran his fingers through the blades of grass, the wind tousled his hair. "Do you think that he's been with us today?"
There were a few distant smiles among us. As though that would be perfect. To know that he'd been sitting with us, laughing along to our nonsense. Perhaps his hand was on top of mine. Perhaps he'd look over at me whenever I thought aloud about a specific memory and he'd smile at me with that dimpled grin and thick lash framed eyes.
Amy, who was leaning back against Ethan offered an answer. "I have a theory about the afterlife," she said. "I don't think that they remain wit—"
"Give it a rest," I said. It wasn't harsh but it was to the point. She closed her mouth and pouted. Bray seemed grateful that I'd told her to quit it. No one wanted her negative input.
"Well," Jess smiled, patting the ground in front of her. "Come on Benz. We're going to Jade's. You're the guest of honour. I'm riding shotgun though."
We all laughed and began to stand. The sun was setting, an orange hue illuminated the clouds and painted them a beautiful peach. One by one, we laid our fingers to our lips and pressed them against the headstone.
"I just need a minute," I told the group who started back towards the van which was parked on the gravel road a few rows away. Jess grasped my hand, squeezed it and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
"Let me know if you need me. We'll wait in the car."
Bray dropped her hand and pulled me into a hug, resting his chin on top of my head. "You okay?"
I nodded and felt my throat becoming thick. It was so much worse when someone cared. And cared enough to show me. "I'm alright."
His thumb made small circles on my shoulder before he stepped back and pointed at me. "We're in the van if you need us."
"I know," I smiled.
As soon as he turned around and left, I crouched in front of the headstone and took a deep breath. Losing him was the hardest thing that I ever went through. Harder than he'd ever know. Sometimes I hoped that he really couldn't see me. Especially after how I'd handled his death. He'd be so upset to know that I'd been so weak.
"Hey B bear," I giggled at the nickname that his little sister had given him. "I don't know if you have been here. With us. I'm not sure if I believe in lingering ghosts and all that. I never did before. But I wouldn't have minded knowing that you were with us this afternoon."
My voice was thick and laced with pain. My nose stung.
"Benz, I— I kind of met someone. He's a really great guy. You would like him. He's sweet and selfless. He wants to save lives," I laughed and ran my hand along the top of his headstone. How desperately I wished that it could have been his hand. How helpless it felt to wish that he would come back and I would get to see his smile one last time. "I'm having a hard time with it though Benz. Because I'm falling in love with him and the only person that I ever wanted to love was you."
Sobs caught in my throat. I choked and wrapped around myself.
"You'd want me to be happy though. Right? You'd want that for me? Because you used to tell me all the time that I deserved the world and I should be treated like a queen and well, he's got that, Benz. He's a wonderful man and I know that you'd approve but it was supposed to be us. And it kills me that it's not. That you're in the ground and I'm out here moving on with my life as though you didn't take half of my heart with you."
I had swollen eyes and a running nose. My chest felt like it was on fire and my jaw hurt as I clenched it, attempting to pull myself together. I wanted him to hold me so bad.
"I'll always love you Benny," I cried so hard that I lost my balance and toppled. "So much but I want to love and be loved. I know that you would want that for me. So if I find the strength to move on. If I start to give myself to someone new, just know that you'll always be my first love and no matter who I share a life with, no one can replace the epic first love that we had. I struck gold. My first boyfriend was the real deal and I'll never forget that baby."
I kissed my fingers and pressed them on his headstone, praying that he would feel it. Feel that my love for him wasn't gone. "We all love you. All of us. Forever and ever."
Bray stopped the van in front of Amy's beach front condo and left the engine running. I'd calmed down by the time we got back to Miami Beach. I was sitting in the back with Alex. Ethan and Amy were in the middle. She slid the door open and stepped out. But when Ethan didn't hop out after her, she gave him a puzzled stare.
"Coming?"
"Na," he shook his head and settled further into the seat. "I'm gonna go to the drinks at Jade's."
We all fell quiet and anticipated where this would go. From the look on Amy's face, not well. "Well, thanks for telling me."
"I'm telling you now."
"You could have told me earlier."
He folded his arms and shrugged. "Okay well Benny was my best friend and you shouldn't have assumed that I wouldn't go and celebrate his birthday. I need to be there. Honestly, you should be there too."
She scoffed. "Why?"
Jess peered over from the front seat and we exchanged scandalised glances.
"Because," Ethan sounded like he was getting frustrated, fast. Right now was probably not the best time to be having an argument. Everyone's emotions were shot after this afternoon's memorial. "He was your friend too. A damn good one—"
"I know," Amy faltered. "Bu—"
Ethan leaned forward and pointed at her. "In fact, when you were transitioning into your vegan activist fucking bullshit, he was the one that defended you the most. Out of all of us. I was going to break up with you, ya know that?"
Amy looked like she'd been slapped. The tension was so thick that I wanted to get out of this van.
"Break up with me?! For being a vegan?!"
"Na," he snapped. "For forcing me to not eat this and not eat that and not do this and not do that. You started telling me who to be and I hated it. But Benny said to me, look bro. This is hugely important to her. She's so passionate about it. She's not trying to hurt you. She's trying to show you that her lifestyle makes her happy and she wants to share that with you. Just ease up. Go along with it. It can't hurt. Yeah, so I did but fuck that. I'm over it."
Amy looked like she was about to burst into tears. But when I peered over at Jess, all I could see was her hunched shoulders shaking with laughter. Shit head.
"I'm over being told what to do," Ethan continued. His accent barely held a trace of Jamaican in it when he spoke casually. But it was a touch thicker when he was talking fast and frustrated. "And fuck you, I eat meat behind your back all the time. And I do pot. The occasional cigarette as well. Get over it. I'm sick of missing out on time with my friends because you're insecure. I've never given you a reason not to trust me with other girls."
Tears were running down her cheeks now. And I seriously wanted to reach out and hug her. But at the same time, this was probably something that she needed to hear.
"If you can't accept me for the meat eating, pot smoking, loyal person that I am, then I'm fucking done. I'm not being micromanaged no more. I'm a fucking person. Not a puppet. I'm going out tonight to pay respects to my best friend. Come. Don't come. I don't care."
Amy wiped her tear stained face, gripped the van handle and slid it closed with so much force that the van shook. I watched her run through her front gate and slam it shut behind her. We waited for a beat to see whether or not Ethan would go after her. But instead, he settled back in his seat and tapped Bray's headrest.
"Let's go."
It was dead quiet apart from the occasional snort from the front seat. Jess was bright red, clutching her face as she tried not laugh out loud. She kept fanning her face and exhaling deep breaths to keep a neutral expression. Which lasted two seconds before she was snorting again.
Classic case of not being allowed to laugh which made it all the more harder not to.
Bray shot her a wide eyed warning and she shot him one back. "What?"
"Quit laughing."
"I can't."
Ethan was on his phone, pretending not to listen. But I was at the back and I could hear the two in the front loud and clear.
The entire drive to Flagami was tense. Alex sat beside me and occasionally we gave each other a knowing look. I sent Amy a text and asked if she was alright. She didn't respond. But by the time we pulled up in front of Jade's house, Ethan was chattering again and we wandered inside with a buzz of excitement for the night ahead.
Inside, there were a few people already drinking, lounging on the couches or standing around the stereo. The music was loud and the bass thudded inside of my chest.
Jade was on the arm of one of the sofas. But stood up when she saw us filing through the door and heading towards the kitchen. She gasped, her sights setting on Ethan who went straight for a cooler of alcohol.
"Is that Ethan? It's been a while."
He laughed and nodded. "Nice to see you, Jade."
"If you're here, you must be single now," she stood a little straighter and fixed him with a flirtatious grin. She did it well. Even I wanted to kiss her. "Are you eighteen?"
Ethan ducked his head and palmed the back of his neck. "Ah not eighteen. In a month. But I'm not single either."
Jade's shoulders slumped and she stuck out her bottom lip. "Bummer. Oh well. Hit me up when those two things are sorted."
"Shit Jade," Bray scoffed, cradling a cold beer as he leaned against the countertop with Jess between his legs. "He's a bit young. Stop being an animal."
"Excuse me," she held up a finger. "Heath and Leonie are the same difference in age and no one is complaining. It's because I'm a girl right. What? A girl can't be the older one? Sexist."
"Wouldn't bother me," Ethan mumbled and took a swig of his beer. I knew that he was upset with what happened earlier, but I would not let him do something stupid.
"I'm glad you came," I looped my arm through his and started leading him towards the back sliding door.
"Yeah me too."
Martha and Quinn were just outside on a couple of old worn deck chairs, having a cigarette under the stars. The brazier was going and about fifteen more people were spread out on the lawn, drinking and talking louder than necessary. I ducked down beside Martha and asked if I could have a couple of cigarettes. She smiled and handed me the pack.
"Keep it. I'm trying to quit."
"Nice," I bumped her fist. "Owe ya one."
Ethan, who was walking and throwing his beer down his throat beside me, looked surprised when I slipped the carton into his free hand. I wasn't a smoker. I didn't love that he did it. But if he needed a vice tonight, I'd rather it was those than Jade. Jade hated Amy. She wouldn't have minded getting under her boyfriend at all.
"Thanks," he smiled and put one between his lips. I ran back and borrowed a lighter from the girls and he held on to that as well. As he exhaled a cloud of nicotine, he gave me a perplexed look.
"Do you think I was too harsh?" He watched the fire crackling in the brazier. The reflection glowed against his black eyes. "I feel sort of bad. But I dunno. I couldn't handle it anymore."
My head tilted from side to side as I stared up at him. "Mmm no. I don't think what you said was too harsh. It was the truth. I just think that perhaps it shouldn't have happened in front of the rest of us. Like that was something you two should have hashed out alone."
He nodded, dragging on the smoke. "I know. But I didn't plan on telling her like that. I just snapped I guess."
I winced. "Big time."
He ran a hand across the top of his head and I said a brief hello to a couple of girls from school who passed. There would be a lot more of our own peers here tonight considering Benny was hugely loved by almost everyone that knew him.
"I mean, I love her," he said. "But I feel like a relationship should be 50/50 and instead I'm going 90 and she's going 10. And that doesn't seem fair."
"You are so right," I nodded and accepted an unopened drink from Alex who was passing with a couple of the kids from his academic club. He didn't have a drink so I had to assume that he planned on going to see Sarah later. Cute. I turned back to Ethan. "I agree one hundred percent. I love Amy but even I've told her that she needs to ease up."
"It's not like I want to break up," he stubbed his cigarette out. "But I can't deal with feeling like I'm not an equal in a relationship. I accept all of her. Why can't I get the same?"
I gave him a caress on the shoulder. "Just have a good night tonight and deal with it in the morning. Tell her how you feel. Talk. Whatever. But don't do something dumb tonight. Got it?"
"Yeah," he ducked his head and pursed his lips. "I wouldn't do that to her. You know that."
"Yeah," I smiled. "Come on. Let's go and do some shots."
True to his word, Ethan had fun but there was no flirting going on with Jade or anyone else for that matter. The six of us drank together and shared stories of Benny around the fire. Alex left at around nine to go and spend some time with Sarah. Jess and Bray snuggled on one of the outdoor sofas.
Heath hadn't text me again, but the drunker I got, the more that I thought about him and it was irritating that I was so desperate to call him or talk to him or see him. I threw my phone at Jess and it hit her in the stomach.
"Hold that for me," I pointed at my jeans and oversized adidas hoodie. "I have no pockets."
Her brows shot up and she waved at me. "You do. You absolutely do. I can see them."
"Just hold it."
She rolled her eyes and slipped my phone into her hoodie pocket. We all moved inside to have another round of shots and a familiar tune started up on the surround sound. I looked over at Jade who was controlling the music from her phone and she smiled.
I still hear your voice when you sleep next to me. I still feel your touch in my dreams.
My heart sped up and I was taken back to a night when I was a different person. When I'd loved with nothing to hold me back. I could feel his hands holding mine. I could see his smile. I could hear his voice singing me a promise that he couldn't keep. Even if he wanted to.
Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why. Without you it's hard to survive.
Jess stood in front of me and handed me a shot. Bray joined her and soon Ethan was there as well and as we clinked our glasses together, I felt a tear slide down my cheek. But I smiled. Because this was what I wanted to remember. I wanted to remember how much he loved me. How much fun we had together, goofing off and kissing and promising each other a lifetime.
Cause every time we touch, I feel the static.
Static was all that we had left.
And every time we kiss, I swear I could fly.
I missed kissing his smile. He never stopped smiling.
Can't you hear my heart beat so I can't let you go. Want you in my life.
I swiped at the tear and raised my glass. "To Benny."
"To Benny," the rest of them cheered. I was surprised to hear the entire house join in with unison.
Ethan's haunted smile made him look distant as he stared upward. "Happy Birthday bro."
Despite my plans not to get too inebriated, that's exactly what ended up happening. I took shot after shot and then at some point, desperate to see Heath, I left Jade's house and began a quiet, stumbling, night time walk alone.